Extemely homesick and trying for a baby - advise please

[Tulip1]

3 hours ago, calNgary said:

Getting pregnant and then running to the UK on your own as suggested above would be very unfair to the Dad, in fact its borderline cruel. 

I agree with this.  It’s not fair to run off and remove a kid from their other parent and the kid still being in the womb doesn’t make it ok.  If the OP was fleeing violence I’d think differently but she’s not, she is in a marriage and they are trying to conceive a baby.  If they are successful then that baby will have two parents, both of which deserve to be in their child’s life which would have been the idea when jointly deciding to conceive a child.  Shit can happen down the line as we know and decisions need to be made but no one should try and get pregnant with their husband with the secret intention of taking the baby away from him. 

[Skani]

14 hours ago, psuwara said:

Interesting, I just had a chat with my wife and she said, that if it wasn't for our daughter (born in Australia) she would feel far more homesick than she does now, and having her daughter makes it all worth it, and she feels she can share the experience of a new country with her daughter. 

My wife said she does miss her home country and family, but our family is our own story and that's what is important.

I was quite surprised by this, which kind of goes counter to what other people have said, in not having a child.

Yes, but you mentioned earlier that your vision is to have properties in both countries,  travel regularly between the two and therefore maintain close links with family.  Most migrants don't have the finances or employment flexibility or, as children get older, the practical logistics to do that.  Also, it's often the passing of years which increases the pull back home - missing significant family celebrations, birthdays, weddings etc. and parents growing older and frailer and  having little contact with grandchildren.  The OP is obviously missing contact with her sisters and their children already so a baby now will increase that sense of distance. 

[samt4]

23 hours ago, Jon the Hat said:

Honestly?  You need to go home.  If your partner wants to follow you will find a way, if not then I think you need to be selfish and leave him to it.  If you have kids with him you are likely to be here forever.  You cannot take your kids out of Australia without his permission, and he sounds like he is going nowhere.  

I understand how this sounds from an outsiders perspective, but it is not as easy as just leaving him. I am in love with him and can't really picture myself with anyone else. I am not sure I would be able to just take the kids away, even if the worst does happen and we separate. It does scare me though the feeling of being 'trapped' here. 

[samt4]

19 hours ago, Marisawright said:

That attitude is exactly what causes so much pain and heartache.   We've seen it happen so many times here.

A man wants to migrate to Australia.  His wife doesn't want to.  She loves her homeland and is happy there.  The man loves Australia and he can't imagine why anyone would prefer their old country.  It doesn't make sense to him—"everyone thinks Australia is just a better experience", so will she.   He is absolutely confident that when she sees how great life is, she'll change her mind.

He's so confident that he promises his wife they'll move back to her country if she doesn't like it.  He doesn't think he'll ever be asked to honour that promise because she's going to love it.

But she isn't happy, because some people don't care how good life is.  they care about about feeling like you belong, about family, about heritage.  If she's the kind of person who gets homesick, then Australia could be a paradise and she'll  never be happy.   So then the husband has to start lying or delaying or making excuses because he never had any intention of going home and he doesn't want to leave Australia.  Sure, he can see she's unhappy but she just has to snap out of it, yeah?  She's stupid if she can't see how good she's got it.

Eventually the wife starts to resent the husband for lying to her when he promised he'd take her home, and for making excuses and fobbing her off when she asks him.  Divorce is the most common outcome.  

And I should say, it happens the other way around just as often. 

 

This response sounds exactly like what I have been saying myself and how I feel, so thank you, it is nice for someone to recognise these feelings! He is a very loving and kind man and just wants me to be happy but he has career (property) plans he wants to pursue here which he thinks will be a better opportunity or life for us. The thing is like you say, a better life is not worth it, if I still feel sad, and he cannot get his head around this. He wants me to show him how it will be better for us in the UK but of course we will most likely has less money over there and a smaller house. He says its possible he would move the the UK "if it was right for the both of us" but its looking at the moment 75% OZ (his words). It doesn't fill me with confidence. I am not sure how I would feel ending it with him and moving back alone, I'll end up more depressed! I do want to spend my life with him and have kids with him but I just can't commit to a permanent move but he is always trying to change the way I feel about Oz and tells me I can't have in my head that we will move back to UK in a few years. I feel like time is running out to have a family and I don't want to be in my 40's having a child so this is the pressure. I know having a baby like this won't also be good but what do I do?! If I know that we will have a baby here then have a plan to move in a few years before the child starts school, then at least maybe i can enjoy things a bit more knowing i will be going home, i just don't have confidence that he will come. I feel stuck. Sorry for long reply an dthank you for listening/ reading my post

[Quoll]

13 minutes ago, samt4 said:

This response sounds exactly like what I have been saying myself and how I feel, so thank you, it is nice for someone to recognise these feelings! He is a very loving and kind man and just wants me to be happy but he has career (property) plans he wants to pursue here which he thinks will be a better opportunity or life for us. The thing is like you say, a better life is not worth it, if I still feel sad, and he cannot get his head around this. He wants me to show him how it will be better for us in the UK but of course we will most likely has less money over there and a smaller house. He says its possible he would move the the UK "if it was right for the both of us" but its looking at the moment 75% OZ (his words). It doesn't fill me with confidence. I am not sure how I would feel ending it with him and moving back alone, I'll end up more depressed! I do want to spend my life with him and have kids with him but I just can't commit to a permanent move but he is always trying to change the way I feel about Oz and tells me I can't have in my head that we will move back to UK in a few years. I feel like time is running out to have a family and I don't want to be in my 40's having a child so this is the pressure. I know having a baby like this won't also be good but what do I do?! If I know that we will have a baby here then have a plan to move in a few years before the child starts school, then at least maybe i can enjoy things a bit more knowing i will be going home, i just don't have confidence that he will come. I feel stuck. Sorry for long reply an dthank you for listening/ reading my post

Sadly, I think you’re screwed. If you stay with him then put all thoughts of living in U.K. out of your mind and live your least worst option. Can you do it? Sure you can but you will have to realise that you will be giving up everything you hoped for in terms of raising your kids around your family. In which case I would be seeing a counsellor so you can arm yourself with all the strategies in the world to help your mental health.  Meanwhile, you can focus on compromise - you both have to at least appear to make concessions in order to make it work. What is he going to concede to you to make it worth your while?  Yearly sanity hits? Living somewhere else where you both start from scratch and have to forge a life as a family together? What???
 

If you honestly can’t imagine life without him then you have no choice, draw a line and move on. I say this from the point of having made my choice to live my least worst option. I love my husband to bits and I’ve had him for almost 50 years so I’m not going to train up a new one but to have him I have to live in a country I dislike, even loathe on occasion because I don’t “belong”. Do I regret that we didn’t make different choices at various points in our lives? - sure I do. But I’d like to think I’m stronger than to let it get me down and beat me though even for me there have been times when crying has seemed the only option and sure I whinge about it (on here, where some people understand - it doesn’t get aired in real life). You can do it too if you think in another 50 years you will be glad to have him. But you have to make the choice and crack on with it. This is your point of no return.

[Marisawright]

55 minutes ago, samt4 said:

I understand how this sounds from an outsiders perspective, but it is not as easy as just leaving him. I am in love with him and can't really picture myself with anyone else. I am not sure I would be able to just take the kids away, even if the worst does happen and we separate. It does scare me though the feeling of being 'trapped' here. 

That doesn't surprise me.  Of course you love him.  

The fact is, you won't be able to take the kids away, even if the worst happens. You won't be allowed to, you'll be stuck in Australia forever.   It is an awful situation, I know.  It comes down to a choice between your partner or your sanity. I wish you well.

I

[samt4]

33 minutes ago, Quoll said:

Sadly, I think you’re screwed. If you stay with him then put all thoughts of living in U.K. out of your mind and live your least worst option. Can you do it? Sure you can but you will have to realise that you will be giving up everything you hoped for in terms of raising your kids around your family. In which case I would be seeing a counsellor so you can arm yourself with all the strategies in the world to help your mental health.  Meanwhile, you can focus on compromise - you both have to at least appear to make concessions in order to make it work. What is he going to concede to you to make it worth your while?  Yearly sanity hits? Living somewhere else where you both start from scratch and have to forge a life as a family together? What???
 

If you honestly can’t imagine life without him then you have no choice, draw a line and move on. I say this from the point of having made my choice to live my least worst option. I love my husband to bits and I’ve had him for almost 50 years so I’m not going to train up a new one but to have him I have to live in a country I dislike, even loathe on occasion because I don’t “belong”. Do I regret that we didn’t make different choices at various points in our lives? - sure I do. But I’d like to think I’m stronger than to let it get me down and beat me though even for me there have been times when crying has seemed the only option and sure I whinge about it (on here, where some people understand - it doesn’t get aired in real life). You can do it too if you think in another 50 years you will be glad to have him. But you have to make the choice and crack on with it. This is your point of no return.

thank you for your honesty, but how do you know whats best?! I could leave now, go home on my own, take years to find someone else and then its too late to have children, or there will be complications, etc. I suppose I will have to take his word that he is willing to go to the UK at some point and work my hardest to make it happen. Otherwise I am back home, with the parents for a while, and single at 34, and heartbroken. Its a choice that I just dont know how to make. Having a family of my own is everything to me but I simply cannot choose between my partner and my family! its so hard. 

[Quoll]

34 minutes ago, samt4 said:

thank you for your honesty, but how do you know whats best?! I could leave now, go home on my own, take years to find someone else and then its too late to have children, or there will be complications, etc. I suppose I will have to take his word that he is willing to go to the UK at some point and work my hardest to make it happen. Otherwise I am back home, with the parents for a while, and single at 34, and heartbroken. Its a choice that I just dont know how to make. Having a family of my own is everything to me but I simply cannot choose between my partner and my family! its so hard. 

None of us have a crystal ball. One could say that if he really wanted you to be happy he would be on the next plane back with you. He’s not going to move, ever, and I think you have to take that as read. Didn’t you say that he’s already changed the goal posts? It was initially only 2 years and it’s been 3. You’ve been unhappy and he still hasn’t moved. Have you checked out other simpler visa options for him or does it have to be the spouse visa? If that’s the case you may never have the choice of that unless you can get a reasonable paying job or £60k in savings.

A happy family needs a happy mother and unless you can commit 100% to being happy in Australia for the rest of your days you are going to struggle with that and it won’t do you or your children any good.

I do understand your desire for a family, I really do, but you can’t make a half hearted decision about such things. You will not be happy if you are hanging on to the dream that you’re going to raise your family in UK and you won’t be doing yourself any favours in hanging onto that dream - the resentment won’t take long to surface if you do.  
 

If having a family is your number 1 priority then you stay in Australia and crack on with it. If raising a family in UK is your number 1 priority then cut and run ASAP and start again. I know that most men subscribe to the “plenty more fish in the sea” thing but women not so much. What does your mum say? I know what I would say if you were my daughter (I’m in the cut and run camp partly because what little you’ve said about the situation smacks of control to me and that is anathema to me). Alternatively, what advice would you give to your daughter in 30 odd years if she were in your shoes? 

Short of taking yourself off to a clairvoyant the only thing you can do is to make a decision one way or the other and live with it. Agonising and trying to second guess yourself isn’t helpful - once you own your decision - least worst option or hope for something better - you might feel better about the whole situation. I know I feel better about living here because I’ve reframed  it as my choice to stay, I have the power, I have the control. It’s all about taking control of your own decisions and making the best of the outcomes.

I know I don’t sound sympathetic but I really am. I think you’re between  a rock and a hard place and it’s bloody uncomfortable. But now is the time to make the decision and live with it or you will find that all your choices have been taken away from you by circumstances and that way madness lies. If all else fails, toss a coin and own the outcome! 

 

[samt4]

5 minutes ago, Quoll said:

None of us have a crystal ball. One could say that if he really wanted you to be happy he would be on the next plane back with you. He’s not going to move, ever, and I think you have to take that as read. Didn’t you say that he’s already changed the goal posts? It was initially only 2 years and it’s been 3. You’ve been unhappy and he still hasn’t moved. Have you checked out other simpler visa options for him or does it have to be the spouse visa? If that’s the case you may never have the choice of that unless you can get a reasonable paying job or £60k in savings.

A happy family needs a happy mother and unless you can commit 100% to being happy in Australia for the rest of your days you are going to struggle with that and it won’t do you or your children any good.

I do understand your desire for a family, I really do, but you can’t make a half hearted decision about such things. You will not be happy if you are hanging on to the dream that you’re going to raise your family in UK and you won’t be doing yourself any favours in hanging onto that dream - the resentment won’t take long to surface if you do.  
 

If having a family is your number 1 priority then you stay in Australia and crack on with it. If raising a family in UK is your number 1 priority then cut and run ASAP and start again. I know that most men subscribe to the “plenty more fish in the sea” thing but women not so much. What does your mum say? I know what I would say if you were my daughter (I’m in the cut and run camp partly because what little you’ve said about the situation smacks of control to me and that is anathema to me). Alternatively, what advice would you give to your daughter in 30 odd years if she were in your shoes? 

Short of taking yourself off to a clairvoyant the only thing you can do is to make a decision one way or the other and live with it. Agonising and trying to second guess yourself isn’t helpful - once you own your decision - least worst option or hope for something better - you might feel better about the whole situation. I know I feel better about living here because I’ve reframed  it as my choice to stay, I have the power, I have the control. It’s all about taking control of your own decisions and making the best of the outcomes.

I know I don’t sound sympathetic but I really am. I think you’re between  a rock and a hard place and it’s bloody uncomfortable. But now is the time to make the decision and live with it or you will find that all your choices have been taken away from you by circumstances and that way madness lies. If all else fails, toss a coin and own the outcome! 

 

our situation is not the best to move to the uk as we wont have any money, and i will get a job at best around 19k which isnt much. We simply cannot afford the uk at the moment and even living in oz will be hard. i just cant imagine a life without him but at the same time i cant imagine only seeing my sisters once a year and basically raising my family on my own over here. My mum was the one to encourage me to come back here as we would have a little more money and basically that i 'cant have it all'. I dont want to leave him and start all over again, one becuse i love him and i do think we have a strong relashionship and i can see myself growing old with him, but also becasue it terrifies me to start from fresh as well. I cant imagine being with anyone else, and it takes me a long time to find someone. my age is playing on my mind too, not that i am settling. I just dont want to be trapped here and i suppose i will have to be here for now and hope that one day we can afford to move back home. 

[Quoll]

32 minutes ago, samt4 said:

our situation is not the best to move to the uk as we wont have any money, and i will get a job at best around 19k which isnt much. We simply cannot afford the uk at the moment and even living in oz will be hard. i just cant imagine a life without him but at the same time i cant imagine only seeing my sisters once a year and basically raising my family on my own over here. My mum was the one to encourage me to come back here as we would have a little more money and basically that i 'cant have it all'. I dont want to leave him and start all over again, one becuse i love him and i do think we have a strong relashionship and i can see myself growing old with him, but also becasue it terrifies me to start from fresh as well. I cant imagine being with anyone else, and it takes me a long time to find someone. my age is playing on my mind too, not that i am settling. I just dont want to be trapped here and i suppose i will have to be here for now and hope that one day we can afford to move back home. 

You’d be better off assuming that you won’t be going home to live - ever - and that you will be “trapped” then make your decision. If you can come to terms with that then you may cope much better. As long as you hang on to the “it may happen one day” you are not going to be happy because it’s not going to happen, the time will never be right unless you maybe win the lottery and even then he will probably play the “I can’t leave my parents” card and it won’t be long before the resentment kicks in. Given your precarious financial situation you’d better plan for not going home once a year either, annual visits when you have kids is only viable if you’ve got a decent income. Your mum is right in that you can’t have it all! It’s coming to terms with the fact that you can’t have it all that seems to be hardest for you. Pragmatically, you can have your family with the man you love and the price you pay for that is that you live in Aus for the rest of your days and see your family maybe once every 5 years if you’re lucky. If you can’t do that then don’t start a family. 
 

If you assume that your OH is going to be earning a decent income in Australia, he could surely do the same in UK. What skills does he have? Trade?  You only need the £18k income to get him in on the spouse visa then he can start earning. Have you checked out his Ancestry? That could be an easier visa option. 

 

[Marisawright]

3 hours ago, samt4 said:

 I suppose I will have to take his word that he is willing to go to the UK at some point

He gave his word before and he didn't keep it, did he?  He's not even making you a promise now, he's saying it's 75% certain that he won't go.  And I'm willing to bet the only reason he's not saying "no" outright is because he thinks he's being kind, leaving you with a little bit of hope.  But actually it's cruel, because it's giving you hope where there isn't any.

Read this post.  This will be you in 10 years' time, if you "trust his word" and go ahead and have children:

 

[samt4]

24 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

He gave his word before and he didn't keep it, did he?  He's not even making you a promise now, he's saying it's 75% certain that he won't go.  And I'm willing to bet the only reason he's not saying "no" outright is because he thinks he's being kind, leaving you with a little bit of hope.  But actually it's cruel, because it's giving you hope where there isn't any.

Read this post.  This will be you in 10 years' time, if you "trust his word" and go ahead and have children:

 

i asked him to tell me honestly if he can’t see himself in the uk to just please tell me now and he said that he cannot tell me it’s a definite no because he can see us living there under the right circumstance and that he does like the country. But I know the pull of his career plans here are strong and he says its something he can’t do in the uk. A part of me thinks I may be relived to go back and end this but a part of me thinks I will regret that and be heart broken.

Yes, perhaps I am still young enough to meet someone else but realistically it will take several months to get over him, more months or years to find someone new, then at least a year to really know if I want to start a family with this new person, then time to get pregnant, be pregnant, etc … I will be 40+ years old! When I was recently at home I was so much happier but I think because I know I still had my partner. If I was to break things off and go back home I am not sure if I will feel as happy still.

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, samt4 said:

. A part of me thinks I may be relived to go back and end this but a part of me thinks I will regret that and be heart broken.

There's only one way to find out and you have to do it now. You're at a crossroads.  

Tell your husband that you need time to yourself, because your mental health is in such a state, you can't keep going the way you are.  You're not splittingup, you just need some "me" time to get your head in order.  You will go back to the UK for six months, to remind yourself what it's really like to live there.  So you get a fair picture, you'll get a job there and go out to work. That way you won't just be enjoying yourself on a holiday, so it will feel more like the real thing.  Plus you can save up for the baby.

While you're away, you'll keep in touch by Skype or Zoom or Facetime or whatever.  If it makes you feel better, he'll see how much better you are, how much more yourself you are.  Maybe that will encourage him to join you.  Maybe he'll  miss you so much that he'll join you anyway.   Plus it gives you a taste of how you might feel if you did leave for good.  Whatever you do, don't let him persuade you to come back before the six months is up.  You need the full time.

Before you say six months is too long, remember that navy wives are separated from their husbands for much longer than that, and their marriages work fine. 

Yes, it means delaying getting pregnant for another six months.  I think you need to stop catastrophising about that.  Women have babies in their late thirties and forties all the time.  My mother had me at 41 and my little sister at 45, and that was 60 years ago.  My sister has three children and she had her first baby at 39.  No fertility drugs or artificial help.

You have time, and you need a breather. Take it.  It will be a test, both for you and your husband, and he won't like the idea.  But that's all the more reason to put it to the test.

Edited May 4, 2022 by Marisawright

[Parley]

Do what you think is best for you and your family.

Don't listen to strangers telling you what you must do. Honestly they are not qualified to give psychological counselling. Most are very biased against Australia anyway so not the best people to talk to.

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, Parley said:

Don't listen to strangers telling you what you must do. Honestly they are not qualified to give psychological counselling. Most are very biased against Australia....

That's odd advice.  I love Australia and have no desire to live anywhere else. I was persuaded by my hubby at one time to try the UK but I soon realised it wasn't for me.

[Jon the Hat]

1 hour ago, Parley said:

Do what you think is best for you and your family.

Don't listen to strangers telling you what you must do. Honestly they are not qualified to give psychological counselling. Most are very biased against Australia anyway so not the best people to talk to.

Even is this bias were true it is irrelevant, the OP has said she is unhappy here and misses the UK, and that is what matters.  Also no one is giving anything like psychological counselling.  And she asked for advice.  Other than that great post!

[calNgary]

7 hours ago, Marisawright said:

That doesn't surprise me.  Of course you love him.  

The fact is, you won't be able to take the kids away, even if the worst happens. You won't be allowed to, you'll be stuck in Australia forever.   It is an awful situation, I know.  It comes down to a choice between your partner or your sanity. I wish you well.

I

Can i ask what you mean by she won't be allowed to take the kids away?

A friend of ours has returned to the UK and Aussie hubby is still here, they have a friendly agreement the kids fly back here for certain holidays and spend every other xmas here, hence i'm confused by what you say as obviously she took hers back there a few years ago now with Dads permission.

         Cal x

[Quoll]

32 minutes ago, calNgary said:

Can i ask what you mean by she won't be allowed to take the kids away?

A friend of ours has returned to the UK and Aussie hubby is still here, they have a friendly agreement the kids fly back here for certain holidays and spend every other xmas here, hence i'm confused by what you say as obviously she took hers back there a few years ago now with Dads permission.

         Cal x

That's very rare, sadly. You've only got to look at the stories on  Global Ark to see that the vast majority of families don't have that sort of relationship - your friend should get a lottery ticket!!! The court shenanigans can be very long and expensive. Heavens, even moving away from the jurisdiction to go, say, interstate or merely 50 Miles down the road can be very hard fought. 

[Toots]

23 hours ago, Tulip1 said:

I agree with this.  It’s not fair to run off and remove a kid from their other parent and the kid still being in the womb doesn’t make it ok.  If the OP was fleeing violence I’d think differently but she’s not, she is in a marriage and they are trying to conceive a baby.  If they are successful then that baby will have two parents, both of which deserve to be in their child’s life which would have been the idea when jointly deciding to conceive a child.  Shit can happen down the line as we know and decisions need to be made but no one should try and get pregnant with their husband with the secret intention of taking the baby away from him. 

When my 2 boys were toddlers I knew a young woman from the UK whose little boy went to the same playgroup as my 2 did.  She was always very quiet and I thought a bit shy but seemed happy enough.  She fell pregnant with her 2nd child and her MIL from the UK came over to help her out as she was exhausted looking after her toddler.  MIL did most of the housework and often brought her little grandson to the play group as well.   One day, when she arrived back at the house after playgroup her DIL wasn't at home.  Nobody knew where she was.  She had packed a suitcase and gone to the airport and off she went never to be seen again in Australia.  She left her little son behind and we heard later she was quite happily bringing up her new baby back in Essex.  We were totally shocked.  Didn't see it happening. 

I also know of women who have been able to return to the UK permanently with their child/children minus their OH but that was only when the OH was OK about it.   

[Tulip1]

8 hours ago, Toots said:

When my 2 boys were toddlers I knew a young woman from the UK whose little boy went to the same playgroup as my 2 did.  She was always very quiet and I thought a bit shy but seemed happy enough.  She fell pregnant with her 2nd child and her MIL from the UK came over to help her out as she was exhausted looking after her toddler.  MIL did most of the housework and often brought her little grandson to the play group as well.   One day, when she arrived back at the house after playgroup her DIL wasn't at home.  Nobody knew where she was.  She had packed a suitcase and gone to the airport and off she went never to be seen again in Australia.  She left her little son behind and we heard later she was quite happily bringing up her new baby back in Essex.  We were totally shocked.  Didn't see it happening. 

I also know of women who have been able to return to the UK permanently with their child/children minus their OH but that was only when the OH was OK about it.   

I can’t understand how she could she walk away from her little boy and start a new life without him.  I just couldn’t imagine doing that, it’s terrible. 

[Marisawright]

2 hours ago, Tulip1 said:

I can’t understand how she could she walk away from her little boy and start a new life without him.  I just couldn’t imagine doing that, it’s terrible. 

It just goes to illustrate how debilitating extreme homesickness can be.   She may have been at the point where she realised she'd commit suicide if she didn't do something about it.