Parley Posted June 1, 2022 Share Posted June 1, 2022 I don't disagree but usually grandparents will want to spend as much time as they possibly can with their grandkids. whether they get to in practice is another matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted June 1, 2022 Share Posted June 1, 2022 12 minutes ago, Parley said: I don't disagree but usually grandparents will want to spend as much time as they possibly can with their grandkids. whether they get to in practice is another matter. Sometimes your life or your DIL gets in the way of regular contact. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted June 1, 2022 Share Posted June 1, 2022 (edited) 48 minutes ago, Parley said: I don't disagree but usually grandparents will want to spend as much time as they possibly can with their grandkids. whether they get to in practice is another matter. ...and I don't see anyone saying otherwise. I think people are just saying that in old age, you need to make sure you're living your life for yourself, because no matter how much you'd like to spend lots of time with the grandkids, the reality is you probably won't see them nearly as much as you'd like. Edited June 1, 2022 by Marisawright 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barnyrubble Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 Well we are still in the UK. Still deliberating about whether we should sign on the sale of our house (altho there is now a legal issue needing sorting) or stay here but then travel into Europe to avoid the horrible depressing winters. This tho would limit our visits to see our families and being an emotional sensitive mum who is also a home bird I just cannot cope with either path. OH says stay here - I go mad. He says go - I can't cope. Poor thing doesn't know what to do thats right. We did consider renting out the property but then you are arriving half hearted into Australia and unable to move forward and settle at all. I struggle with an indoor life here in winter and the thought of being old with my head stuck watching TV for days on end is a worry. And realistically as mentioned by others health will deteriorate as we age and then we wouldn't be able to travel there and if we are poorly then we need our sons. What a situation. This nightmare needs to end before i explode And to compound the issue my sister and I have made up after years of being estranged and she wants us to stay and travel with her and her OH. Why is life so difficult? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 4 hours ago, Barnyrubble said: Well we are still in the UK. Still deliberating about whether we should sign on the sale of our house (altho there is now a legal issue needing sorting) or stay here but then travel into Europe to avoid the horrible depressing winters. This tho would limit our visits to see our families and being an emotional sensitive mum who is also a home bird I just cannot cope with either path. OH says stay here - I go mad. He says go - I can't cope. Poor thing doesn't know what to do thats right. We did consider renting out the property but then you are arriving half hearted into Australia and unable to move forward and settle at all. I struggle with an indoor life here in winter and the thought of being old with my head stuck watching TV for days on end is a worry. And realistically as mentioned by others health will deteriorate as we age and then we wouldn't be able to travel there and if we are poorly then we need our sons. What a situation. This nightmare needs to end before i explode And to compound the issue my sister and I have made up after years of being estranged and she wants us to stay and travel with her and her OH. Why is life so difficult? While you have doubts, don’t do it. Looking at the pic you posted of your house, the only way you’d get me out of there is in a box! It’s what most of us aspire to and few can achieve. I know others disagree and absolutely love the heat but Australian summers can be as restrictive as U.K. winters for those of us who don’t do so well when it’s over 25 - so it all depends on how you cope with the hot days. Fortunately we’ve been in LaNiña pretty much since we got back to Aus so the summers have been mild but locking yourself away with the windows closed and curtains drawn isn’t a way to live. Actually, the notion of renting out and giving it a go is quite sensible - it won’t make a skerrick of difference to whether you settle and enjoy or not. But what it might do is to get you citizenship so you’re not frantic about getting a RRV all the time - and once you have citizenship you can come and go at will. Last resort, go and see a fortune teller LOL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 (edited) 5 hours ago, Barnyrubble said: Well we are still in the UK. Still deliberating about whether we should sign on the sale of our house (altho there is now a legal issue needing sorting) or stay here but then travel into Europe to avoid the horrible depressing winters. This tho would limit our visits to see our families and being an emotional sensitive mum who is also a home bird I just cannot cope with either path. OH says stay here - I go mad. He says go - I can't cope. Poor thing doesn't know what to do thats right. What does HE want to do? It can be difficult to find out, because he may be saying what he thinks you want to hear, instead of being honest about how he really feels. Have you tried asking him, "If I wasn't here and you were on your own, would you move to Australia?" If you're torn, maybe go with what would make HIM happy? 'I may have mentioned one of my friends, who's an emotional sensitive mum like you. She had similar trials moving to Australia -- they were worried they couldn't really afford it, but she was so desperate to be with her kids and grandkids, they did it anyway. I wouldn't say they are struggling financially in Australia, but they have to be frugal. They have struggled to make new friends, whereas they had relatives and other friends in the UK. It's a difficult life, but she says it's worth it to be near the grandkids. He hates it. He's lonely, he misses his old life, he can't afford a decent social life and they can't afford a decent holiday. Life is boring. He rarely tells anyone that, he bottles it all up. He knows how she feels so he just pretends. Anyway, they can't afford to move back now. This is going to sound harsh, but your sons don't need you. If they needed you, they wouldn't be thousands of miles away. They love to see you when you're there, and they'll happily accept your help in the business, but do NOT use their imagined 'needs' as an excuse. They've managed fine without you so far, and if you decide not to move, they'll carry on with the happy lives they've already established, it won't cause them a moment's trouble or inconvenience. Of course, they'll say a lot of things because they think it makes you feel good, that's all. This is not about them, it's about what you and your husband want for yourselves. I know that being with your kids is a huge part of what you want for yourself, and that's fine. Just don't overlook the other things that make life worth living. Edited June 19, 2022 by Marisawright 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 34 minutes ago, Marisawright said: What does HE want to do? It can be difficult to find out, because he may be saying what he thinks you want to hear, instead of being honest about how he really feels. Have you tried asking him, "If I wasn't here and you were on your own, would you move to Australia?" If you're torn, maybe go with what would make HIM happy? 'I may have mentioned one of my friends, who's an emotional sensitive mum like you. She had similar trials moving to Australia -- they were worried they couldn't really afford it, but she was so desperate to be with her kids and grandkids, they did it anyway. I wouldn't say they are struggling financially in Australia, but they have to be frugal. They have struggled to make new friends, whereas they had relatives and other friends in the UK. It's a difficult life, but she says it's worth it to be near the grandkids. He hates it. He's lonely, he misses his old life, he can't afford a decent social life and they can't afford a decent holiday. Life is boring. He rarely tells anyone that, he bottles it all up. He knows how she feels so he just pretends. Anyway, they can't afford to move back now. This is going to sound harsh, but your sons don't need you. If they needed you, they wouldn't be thousands of miles away. They love to see you when you're there, and they'll happily accept your help in the business, but do NOT use their imagined 'needs' as an excuse. They've managed fine without you so far, and if you decide not to move, they'll carry on with the happy lives they've already established, it won't cause them a moment's trouble or inconvenience. Of course, they'll say a lot of things because they think it makes you feel good, that's all. This is not about them, it's about what you and your husband want for yourselves. I know that being with your kids is a huge part of what you want for yourself, and that's fine. Just don't overlook the other things that make life worth living. We did exactly what we wanted to do when we retired. Slightly different circumstances as we were expats. We could have gone back to UK, with our 3 children and our established friends there, but we decided to go live in Australia, perhaps for a few years as we wanted a bit more adventure. We settled easily, made good friends and 19 years later have a very good happy life. However I’m not absolutely sure that we would stay here, had not two of our children followed us here. As we get older, and have a few health problems there is a sense of reassurance that we have children in the same country as us. It’s fine to say that you have good friends where you live and are there for you, but the reality now is that friends here of a similar age are also perhaps not in the best health, or sadly have died. I don’t want to depress anyone, but the reality is that our Social life has certainly changed in the last year, not just because of covid, even me who enjoys having people here find I get more tired these days, and might not have the annual New Years lunch here again. Still go all out and enjoy ourselves, just not as busy, as more friends are doing less. Everyone has to make their own lifestyle decisions, as I mentioned, we do like the feeling of reassurance that we have a son and wife an hour away in Brisbane, and a daughter and husband in Sydney, and not just relying on friends in the future who are also ageing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanna Posted June 20, 2022 Share Posted June 20, 2022 I don't feel I will ever be happy again. I'm just so sad to the point I want to run away and never face the responsibility again. I love your blue skies, walking the beaches, being around near my boys but I do find it "constrained" too. No transport to speak of in their area, driving everywhere which is OK while you can drive, not much architecture, history, areas of beautiful parks (just play areas), whereas UK is so close to Europe and in 2 hours I can be lunching in Paris, I can train to different countries, fly to them in short flight times, visit country pubs, motorhome all over to see different places - not just another suburb, stay in beautiful hotels, walk in the countryside without fear of snakes, spiders etc, etc etc. I have a stunning location and am near all facilities needed especially as we age BUT I hate the depressing skies and cold weather here, I hate I can't see, hug and be with my boys, bike ride and walk nearly every day. I hate Christmas without them. I hate being stuck indoors. I am so scared of being alone when I am old and frail. I am a COMPLETE AND UTTER WRECK. And sad as this is I've tried mediums. They all tell me exactly what my situation is but not what I should do or where I should be. I have to choose my own path - BUT I CANT and no matter what my gorgeous hubby says I don't want to resent any decision he makes because I find it impossible. My life is a nightmare and we have done this to ourselves Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanna Posted June 20, 2022 Share Posted June 20, 2022 And to add to that I daren't even come for a holiday now in case we kick ourselves and to say farewell to everyone there never knowing when or how I will see them again destroys me. So a comfortable life living in a great seaside location in the UK and a life that is or can be so variable with travel etc but very depressing and freezing at times OR a frugal life in Australia with restrictions but with my boys. .......... Someone PLEASE TELL ME! Before I explode!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 20, 2022 Share Posted June 20, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, Nanna said: And to add to that I daren't even come for a holiday now in case we kick ourselves and to say farewell to everyone there never knowing when or how I will see them again destroys me. So a comfortable life living in a great seaside location in the UK and a life that is or can be so variable with travel etc but very depressing and freezing at times OR a frugal life in Australia with restrictions but with my boys. .......... Someone PLEASE TELL ME! Before I explode!!!! Pragmatically, rent out your home, go to Aus while you have a RRV, stay long enough to get citizenship then re-evaluate. You'll have the income from your home to help you with the frozen pension thing. You'll either love it or hate it but you'll have kept all your options open. All depending how long you lived here for before that could be quite a short period. But sometimes we just have to put on our big girl panties and suck it up - goodbyes are never easy but there will always be hellos to follow. You've got a long time to go before you're old and frail (you're about my age I think!) - and invite them for Christmas!!!!! Edited June 20, 2022 by Quoll 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Flu Posted June 20, 2022 Share Posted June 20, 2022 3 hours ago, Nanna said: And to add to that I daren't even come for a holiday now in case we kick ourselves and to say farewell to everyone there never knowing when or how I will see them again destroys me. So a comfortable life living in a great seaside location in the UK and a life that is or can be so variable with travel etc but very depressing and freezing at times OR a frugal life in Australia with restrictions but with my boys. .......... Someone PLEASE TELL ME! Before I explode!!!! Which country best serves your values? (if any) You'll tie yourself in knots attempting to untangle the things you mention. I would suggest , as have already, make yourself the centre here, without bringing in things like grand children. If they really are what matters to you then nothing more to be said. As I mentioned , I think in an earlier post, they will move on with their lives. Your life will remain as is. Just be honest and answer how you prefer that to be and accept that decision. A life close to a UK beach , able to manage without a car in age, probably good to great transport links, as you say close to France (but how often do you venture there I wonder?) compared to perpetual (more or less, it can get rather cold in Australia as well, lets not forget) and the rest which I'm sure you have some awareness off . The above post states what needs to be done. An extended stay (short stays useless) and see this country is a place you would want to spend your days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted June 20, 2022 Share Posted June 20, 2022 4 hours ago, Nanna said: My life is a nightmare and we have done this to ourselves No you haven't. Your sons have done this to you, by deciding to go and live in another country and leave you behind. You still haven't given any clue which option would make your husband happy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bug family Posted June 20, 2022 Share Posted June 20, 2022 2 hours ago, Quoll said: goodbyes are never easy but there will always be hellos to follow. I shall discover this in two weeks time............................... 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 20, 2022 Share Posted June 20, 2022 1 hour ago, bug family said: I shall discover this in two weeks time............................... Just have to put your big boy pants on and get on with it!!! Good luck, I really hope it all goes brilliantly for you. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanna Posted June 20, 2022 Share Posted June 20, 2022 Sorry I can't get to the correct thread! But husband was all for it until the house prices there went berserk and the exchange rate dropped. Now he questions himself for those 2 reasons. A friend says it's only about a suburb with a beach, another suburb with a beach and so on and there's no depth / soul to it at all and others here question why we do we want to live there and just sit about and wait to die whereas here we would be as free as a bird! Too confusing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanna Posted June 20, 2022 Share Posted June 20, 2022 Renting for 4 years while we wait to apply for citizenship Is definitely not an option for either of us. Rents are astronomical there compared to what we would achieve on ours and having rented three times before in Australia its like being in continuous limbo. We are already stuck in that situation. We just need to get on with our lives cos it's passing us by way too quickly. But thank you for the suggestion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 18 hours ago, Nanna said: And to add to that I daren't even come for a holiday now in case we kick ourselves and to say farewell to everyone there never knowing when or how I will see them again destroys me. Honestly, you need professional help. Go and see your doctor and get a referral to a counsellor or psychiatrist. They're not going to solve your problem and they're not going to tell you what to do. However, they will help you unravel the confusion you've got in your mind. Talking to your husband doesn't help, as you've found. Sharing here helps a bit, but it's not the same as having someone with a sympathetic ear, sitting in the same room with you. It's having that sounding board that makes the difference. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Flu Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 3 hours ago, Nanna said: Renting for 4 years while we wait to apply for citizenship Is definitely not an option for either of us. Rents are astronomical there compared to what we would achieve on ours and having rented three times before in Australia its like being in continuous limbo. We are already stuck in that situation. We just need to get on with our lives cos it's passing us by way too quickly. But thank you for the suggestion. I suspect deep down you know the right answer (remain) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 8 hours ago, Nanna said: Sorry I can't get to the correct thread! But husband was all for it until the house prices there went berserk and the exchange rate dropped. Now he questions himself for those 2 reasons. A friend says it's only about a suburb with a beach, another suburb with a beach and so on and there's no depth / soul to it at all and others here question why we do we want to live there and just sit about and wait to die whereas here we would be as free as a bird! Too confusing. I'm not surprised you're a bit confused about it all. For heavens sake I'm no spring chicken and I most certainly don't sit around waiting to die. What a load of nonsense. All the retirees I know are flat out busy with loads going on in their lives. Yes it is a difficult decision for you but you will make yourself ill thinking and worrying about it all. Agree with the above poster. Remain where you are. Your family in Australia can visit you and you can spend the UK winters in Australia. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chortlepuss Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 I think you’ve got yourself into a right state by over thinking and analysing! I currently own a tiny townhouse in a quite dull village in the south of England - they rent for £1500 per month (not mine - I’m a softie and keep mine low ). Yours looks like a luxury house with a sea view. It will command a top dollar rental I’m sure! Keep your house if you’re not sure…it will be jolly hard to get somewhere that nice again. Keep your house until you’re sure you can settle in Australia. Come over, get your citizenship, stay with your kids until you can find a rental - then rent anything, 2 bed unit if necessary (it doesn’t matter if it’s a bit rubbish - you still own a lovely house). Try to settle here, join in, U3A etc, see if you make friends/can bear the lack of culture. Keep your options open until you are sure. Many of us are worried about being left alone & unsupported. You have lots of options & are pretty well off. I’d support a lot of criticism of Australia that you have heard - but are you willing to tolerate it to be nearer your sons? I would love to grow old in the UK (for many of the reasons you’ve mentioned) and if my son didn’t have MH problems and need us here I’d consider it. I’ve made a decision to sell UK property and then spend money on travelling back when I want to and treating myself. Good luck but don’t burn your bridges until you are SURE - otherwise you’ll spend a lot of time in this forum! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nanna Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 Been to the doctors. All they said was make the decision to end my nightmare!! And no my gut doesn't say remain UK or go to Aus. I have now well and truly cracked up under the pressure and woke crying my eyes out. So I think I will stop this forum for now but thank you everyone for trying to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea4too Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 Sometimes the act of having to make a choice can be more stressful than the issues we are balancing. But what if you had no choice? Imagine two envelopes and being told whichever one you opened would seal your fate - no debate, no weighing of pros and cons, just stuck with the outcome. Which envelope would stress you more - the one containing a one way ticket to Aus, or the envelope with confirmation of old age in the UK? Would opening one, rather than the other, result in a greater element of relief or disappointment? In many ways you are in a wonderful position because you have choices, but when that situation becomes the nightmare you describe it is maybe time to pause. Give yourself a break and put the dilemma aside if only for a short while. The answer may become clearer when you are not searching for it. Tx 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Nanna said: Been to the doctors. All they said was make the decision to end my nightmare!! And no my gut doesn't say remain UK or go to Aus. I have now well and truly cracked up under the pressure and woke crying my eyes out. So I think I will stop this forum for now but thank you everyone for trying to help. First of all look after yourself, take a step back, if the decision isn’t urgent, perhaps make the decision to not make a decision, enjoy summer in UK, go for long walks, have a short break, anything to break your worry circle. If the move isn’t urgent, look at it afresh in 3, or 6 months. Sending you a hug and wish you all the best xM Edited June 21, 2022 by ramot 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Flu Posted June 21, 2022 Share Posted June 21, 2022 2 hours ago, Nanna said: Been to the doctors. All they said was make the decision to end my nightmare!! And no my gut doesn't say remain UK or go to Aus. I have now well and truly cracked up under the pressure and woke crying my eyes out. So I think I will stop this forum for now but thank you everyone for trying to help. You could always try Malta I suppose. English speaking , popular with Brits, had in mind myself, but three visits later the considerable negatives became apparent. Usually if a decision in favour of moving or staying, I'd have thought the desire is not really strong enough to warrant such an upheaval in the age. I doubt if any doctor will be of help. A phycologist ? Just a matter of finding one response to your needs. Well good luck in your quest to uncover the right course of action to take. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted June 22, 2022 Share Posted June 22, 2022 Doctors and psychologists usually make things worse not better. Upsetting you even more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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