Keelif Posted February 26, 2022 Share Posted February 26, 2022 Hi all. This is my first post so please be gentle! I've got 2 potential job offers to move to oz. My partner and I have 3 kids and really want to make the move. Not because we hate the UK as we don't but for the adventure and experience of living in another country. It's something I've always wanted to do and as I creep closer to 40 I feel its now or never! However, my family are not being overly supportive. My mums trying bless her but both my brothers have basically said they won't visit as the flights too long etc. They do both have a habit of making me feel like the black sheep and seem almost offended that I want to forge a new life for myself and immediate family. They've also said my mum wouldn't make the flight and could die if she travelled that far. She's mid 60s with no health issues! They've also said I'd be putting my children at risk as it may not be safe for them. Partners mother also said she won't visit. She's said it's too far but has happily been to Asia twice. Has anyone else experienced this? I feel like they're trying to guilt me into staying. However, all they're achieving is making me want to go more. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welljock Posted February 26, 2022 Share Posted February 26, 2022 It's you life not your brothers'. If you want it go for it My mum first visited when she was 74 (it was the first time she had ever travelled alone) and was supposed to come in 2020 at 77. now the border is due to open she says nothing will stop her coming this year, mid 60s makes your mum a spring chicken. Good luck 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber Snowball Posted February 26, 2022 Share Posted February 26, 2022 I agree with @welljock if you have the opportunity and want to do it. Do it. I really can’t understand the attitude of some people, particularly when they are supposed to be the ones who love you. Let’s be honest, neither your mum or children are more likely to die or be unsafe in Australia, what a bizarre thing to say. Maybe they think Australia is all Crocodile Dundee and wrestling crocs in the outback. Australia is a long way from the UK but not life threateningly so. Good luck! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keelif Posted February 26, 2022 Author Share Posted February 26, 2022 Thank you both. My partner and I are really excited about the opportunity but struggling to find anyone in share that with as most are being quite negative or just indifferent. Guess thats why I've joined this forum to talk to like minded people who have a more open mindset. We live in a small coastal town where everyone knows everyone else and most people never leave, which which really don't think helps. It's not a bad place to live but its not somewhere I want to stay forever. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavers Posted February 26, 2022 Share Posted February 26, 2022 45 minutes ago, Keelif said: Thank you both. My partner and I are really excited about the opportunity but struggling to find anyone in share that with as most are being quite negative or just indifferent. Guess thats why I've joined this forum to talk to like minded people who have a more open mindset. We live in a small coastal town where everyone knows everyone else and most people never leave, which which really don't think helps. It's not a bad place to live but its not somewhere I want to stay forever. As welljock and Amber have said its your life and your decision. We moved out (Me,Wife, 2 girls) in June 2020 and so far so good. We have all settled well and the kids have done amazing settling in at school, and we have also just had another baby girl. My wife's parents didn't really approve, it didn't help that it was my daughter who mentioned we were going to her grandad. He said that he would never visit (tried the blackmail) so my wife's response was "well you will never see them again then". I can understand people being upset it's a massive thing to lose you all, but you have to do what you think is right for your family and I'm sure when the dust settles that you family will be more up for the idea of visiting you all in Aus. If not then that's on them. Better to try then regret it in your later days. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted February 26, 2022 Share Posted February 26, 2022 10 hours ago, Keelif said: My partner and I have 3 kids and really want to make the move. Not because we hate the UK as we don't but for the adventure and experience of living in another country. That's a great attitude. Does your family understand that's what you're doing? It's so usual for Brits to migrate permanently to Australia, rather than going on a short contract, that they're probably fearful you won't come back. Assuming you're going on a 482 visa, it might help if you emphasise that it's just a short-term contract. You're not migrating, you're going abroad for work for a few years. If you are thinking of going for permanent residency after that, then consider whether to be honest and mention that - but if you do, emphasise that the pathway from the 482 to permanency has a high failure rate, so there's every likelihood it won't happen. The fact that you're renting out your home rather than selling will be further proof that you're not abandoning them forever. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausvisitor Posted February 26, 2022 Share Posted February 26, 2022 It's your life do what you want and hope they come along with you as they realise it is happening anyway. I do think on one subject though you are being unfair, getting upset that they have said they won't visit because it is too far... It is you that is moving to the other side of the world, they are staying where they are happy, surely the onus is therefore on you to travel back to maintain the relationships rather than expect them to come to you (they don't want to be in Australia). That said once they see your beach photos they will be over in a flash... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue Flu Posted February 26, 2022 Share Posted February 26, 2022 Definitely agree with above. The OP's family reaction is remarkably common . Best not to create disharmony in allowing them to think it could be forever. Longer term, if wanted to stay on, that may greater influence that decision. Best allow time for those remaining to get used to the idea over the course of time. My former neighbour came from Northumberland and had a good position in a hospital here. Her mother called her treacherous for taking her skill set to an overseas country and I met them when they visited. Not a good word to say about Australia from the heat, to the distance and most everything in between. I suspect the fact that Australia home to their only other child coloured their opinion greatly. Not too unexpected in the circumstances, on reflection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 (edited) Not an unusual response. I have a friend who had the temerity to marry an Australian (eventually she essentially eloped with him) and her parents were just ghastly - they'll disinherit her, won't visit, never talk to her again etc etc. One grandchild later and they were visiting every year or two - they got over it. They were so bad, they refused to even meet him before they got married and she took him up regularly just in case. Only issue I would have is if your kids are late high school level - chopping and changing them at that age can be a bit fraught - the two systems aren't quite in synch and there are issues about returning with kids for Uni and all that but otherwise, as the others have said, it's likely to be only temporary (and if it isn't, they will get used to it). You have to be very self sufficient and more than a little bit selfish (not in the pejorative sense) to be a successful migrant because if you worried about what everyone else thought of your actions you would never do anything. I agree with Ausvisitor - you are moving away so it will be up to you to do the visits to see them and keep up the contacts. My parents flew out every year until they were 80 so I wouldn't worry about a 60 something making the flight - I happily do it in my 70s. But be prepared for them to pull the plug on you - some people do weird things - it's kind of a grief that something will be taken from their lives (your siblings will probably be spitting chips because care of the parent will then devolve to them) and though most people learn to live with it, others dont. Edited February 27, 2022 by Quoll 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bulya Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 They’re annoyed that you have the ‘bottle’ to move for a better life. Best to ignore.. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavers Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 1 hour ago, Ausvisitor said: It's your life do what you want and hope they come along with you as they realise it is happening anyway. I do think on one subject though you are being unfair, getting upset that they have said they won't visit because it is too far... It is you that is moving to the other side of the world, they are staying where they are happy, surely the onus is therefore on you to travel back to maintain the relationships rather than expect them to come to you (they don't want to be in Australia). That said once they see your beach photos they will be over in a flash... Just had the mother in law come and see us, the OP will be happy if her family don't come 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 54 minutes ago, Lavers said: Just had the mother in law come and see us, the OP will be happy if her family don't come Was it that bad @Lavers? She must have been thrilled to see her new grandchild though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavers Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 9 minutes ago, Toots said: Was it that bad @Lavers? She must have been thrilled to see her new grandchild though. Didn't go well at all, she planned for a 1 month visit and remember she hasn't seen us for nearly 2 yrs. After 4 days she wanted to go home but managed to stay 2 weeks . She came with the holiday attitude and wanted to be out drinking at night, not really interested in her grandchildren unfortunately. 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber Snowball Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 4 hours ago, Lavers said: Didn't go well at all, she planned for a 1 month visit and remember she hasn't seen us for nearly 2 yrs. After 4 days she wanted to go home but managed to stay 2 weeks . She came with the holiday attitude and wanted to be out drinking at night, not really interested in her grandchildren unfortunately. Oh dear. Well you’ve done your bit, no need to repeat that experiment then! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavers Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 2 hours ago, Amber Snowball said: Oh dear. Well you’ve done your bit, no need to repeat that experiment then! Definitely not haha we hoped she may have changed with not seeing the grandkids for so long, she had but gone even worse. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keelif Posted February 27, 2022 Author Share Posted February 27, 2022 17 hours ago, Marisawright said: That's a great attitude. Does your family understand that's what you're doing? It's so usual for Brits to migrate permanently to Australia, rather than going on a short contract, that they're probably fearful you won't come back. Assuming you're going on a 482 visa, it might help if you emphasise that it's just a short-term contract. You're not migrating, you're going abroad for work for a few years. If you are thinking of going for permanent residency after that, then consider whether to be honest and mention that - but if you do, emphasise that the pathway from the 482 to permanency has a high failure rate, so there's every likelihood it won't happen. The fact that you're renting out your home rather than selling will be further proof that you're not abandoning them forever. We're hoping to go on a 186 de and for the move to be permanent if we like it. We have told them that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keelif Posted February 27, 2022 Author Share Posted February 27, 2022 Our children are 1, 9 and 11 so still quite young and we wanted to do it before the dreaded teenage years. One if the companies did initially offer the 482 visa but for the sake of our family security I would not want to go unless it was for pr. I wouldn't want to risk having to uproot the kids in a few years if we then couldn't get pr as our 11 year old will be at an important time school wise then. I'm not upset they've said they won't visit I dont expect them to if they truly don't want to, same as I don't think they should try and guilt me into staying here just to make them happy. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber Snowball Posted February 27, 2022 Share Posted February 27, 2022 46 minutes ago, Keelif said: Our children are 1, 9 and 11 so still quite young and we wanted to do it before the dreaded teenage years. One if the companies did initially offer the 482 visa but for the sake of our family security I would not want to go unless it was for pr. I wouldn't want to risk having to uproot the kids in a few years if we then couldn't get pr as our 11 year old will be at an important time school wise then. I'm not upset they've said they won't visit I dont expect them to if they truly don't want to, same as I don't think they should try and guilt me into staying here just to make them happy. I think that’s fair enough. I was in Australia 13 years, no one came to see me, which was absolutely fine! One went to New Zealand on holiday but didn’t even tell me, as had I known I would have arranged to meet up with them there. So stuff yer was my thoughts. I don’t know the rules for a 186, will you meet the visa requirements? If you do, crack on! People can be jealous as they can’t move or don’t have the balls to migrate, so lash out. Equally they might be wondering why you aren’t happy there with them, why the life they have isn’t enough for you. Who knows. All valid emotions but as adults you’d want them to regulate how they voice their feelings a little better! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 8 hours ago, Amber Snowball said: I think that’s fair enough. I was in Australia 13 years, no one came to see me, which was absolutely fine! One went to New Zealand on holiday but didn’t even tell me, as had I known I would have arranged to meet up with them there. So stuff yer was my thoughts. I don’t know the rules for a 186, will you meet the visa requirements? If you do, crack on! People can be jealous as they can’t move or don’t have the balls to migrate, so lash out. Equally they might be wondering why you aren’t happy there with them, why the life they have isn’t enough for you. Who knows. All valid emotions but as adults you’d want them to regulate how they voice their feelings a little better! I have a cousin (in Scotland) who was invited to judge cattle at the Royal Easter Show in Sydney. He duly arrived in Sydney and did his cattle judging, did a bit of sight seeing and returned to Scotland and never contacted me. We were living in Sydney at the time. I found out about his visit from another relative. I saw him at my brother's funeral (in Scotland) and asked him how he had enjoyed his Sydney visit. It was nice to watch him getting a bit embarrassed and attempting to make excuses. Stroked him and his snobby wife off my Christmas card list. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 10 hours ago, Keelif said: We're hoping to go on a 186 de and for the move to be permanent if we like it. We have told them that. In that case, I think you need to cut your mother and mother-in-law some slack. Like I said, you've shattered their dreams of an old age surrounded by grandchildren. Even if they do fly over to see them, it's going to be for a few weeks a year at best. And you can't blame them for feeling aggrieved that an adventure is more important than them, after all they've done for you over your lifetime. You just have to suck it up. 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MacGyver Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 4 hours ago, Marisawright said: In that case, I think you need to cut your mother and mother-in-law some slack. Like I said, you've shattered their dreams of an old age surrounded by grandchildren. Even if they do fly over to see them, it's going to be for a few weeks a year at best. And you can't blame them for feeling aggrieved that an adventure is more important than them, after all they've done for you over your lifetime. You just have to suck it up. You can’t blame them for feeling devastated about it, but it’s incredibly selfish for them to try to guilt their child into making a decision they don’t want to make, just to keep themselves happy. Parents don’t do lots for their children over a lifetime to amass a debt that has to be repaid, they (should) do it because they love them and want them to be happy. If this is what makes the OP happy then her parents (and in laws) are the ones that need to suck it up and support their child pursuing her own life, just as they did. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 2 minutes ago, MacGyver said: You can’t blame them for feeling devastated about it, but it’s incredibly selfish for them to try to guilt their child into making a decision they don’t want to make, just to keep themselves happy. Parents don’t do lots for their children over a lifetime to amass a debt that has to be repaid, they (should) do it because they love them and want them to be happy. If this is what makes the OP happy then her parents (and in laws) are the ones that need to suck it up and support their child pursuing her own life, just as they did. First stages of grief probably - anger, denial etc. It's easy to say but not so easy to do. It takes a strong grandparent to wave farewell to their grandkids without a backward glance. Some of my friends are incredibly enmeshed with their grandkids - we aren't, and in that way we are unusual I think. If any of my friends were faced with their kids nicking off with their grandkids they would be utterly devastated. One friend actually has an Australian son in law and though she says that her daughter will never leave her, I think at the back of her mind is always the "what if she changes her mind?" The Australian grandparents of that family are always subtly (and not so subtly) niggling that it is about time they came "home" - dont know how much spine the son in law actually has. I must be incredibly selfish because I can honestly say I never gave a thought to the impact of taking my parents only grandchild away from them - mind you, I never thought it would be forever. I took the initiative to take the kids back regularly - until my parents retired and decided they would do a 6/6 visit - which they did for 16 years. It worked well. We copped the most flak for leaving our Australian granddaughters - from our son's ex. I got into trouble because I had planned to return to UK to welcome our other son back from Afghanistan at just the time that granddaughter number 2 was born - the ex was ropeable. Didnt matter, I did it anyway. Then when we were faced with needing to stay in UK to care for my parents, the ex gave me a hard time with the guilting again (she missed having us as resident baby sitters!!!). So, bottom line, it is easy to say but so much harder to actually do it - I won't say "wait until you're in their position" but when you are in their position, attitudes do tend to bend a bit. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amber Snowball Posted February 28, 2022 Share Posted February 28, 2022 5 hours ago, Toots said: I have a cousin (in Scotland) who was invited to judge cattle at the Royal Easter Show in Sydney. He duly arrived in Sydney and did his cattle judging, did a bit of sight seeing and returned to Scotland and never contacted me. We were living in Sydney at the time. I found out about his visit from another relative. I saw him at my brother's funeral (in Scotland) and asked him how he had enjoyed his Sydney visit. It was nice to watch him getting a bit embarrassed and attempting to make excuses. Stroked him and his snobby wife off my Christmas card list. Honestly I was quite hurt. This was someone who has known me my whole life, I used to spend one night a week at her house when growing up, called her auntie, closer than my own blood family. Grew up with her own daughter. My mum thought of her as a best friend. She went to visit some people she described as “best friends for life”, I’d never heard of them. Made me wonder about the entire relationship if I’m honest. She said she didn’t know NZ was close to Aus, which might be true (my mum thinks this is a result of a comprehensive education!) but her daughter and son in law would know where it was and they booked her flights. she was also a land girl in the war and would surely know about the ANZACS, so not really buying it. Anyway water under the bridge now. To the OP, I think this shows you can’t guarantee visits from anyone anyway. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeachBabe2022 Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 On 26/02/2022 at 22:01, Keelif said: It's something I've always wanted to do and as I creep closer to 40 I feel its now or never! Well, yes, that is very true. You could do it when you were older of course, but two job offers in the pipeline is excellent (and who knows - you may not get them again) Strike while the iron is hot and grab such opportunities is my motto. Bet you will regret it if you don't. And do you really care deep down if your brothers visit or not? Besides that, you could always visit them in the UK. So really a flimsy argument! My friends mum is still making the trip nearly every year alone, and she is in her 80s (so your mum at 60 is indeed a spring chick) Agree with others, your children are safe here as they are anywhere - unless you plan on floating them down the Fitzroy River on a lilo! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausvisitor Posted March 1, 2022 Share Posted March 1, 2022 3 hours ago, BeachBabe2022 said: Well, yes, that is very true. You could do it when you were older of course, but two job offers in the pipeline is excellent (and who knows - you may not get them again) Strike while the iron is hot and grab such opportunities is my motto. Bet you will regret it if you don't. And do you really care deep down if your brothers visit or not? Besides that, you could always visit them in the UK. So really a flimsy argument! My friends mum is still making the trip nearly every year alone, and she is in her 80s (so your mum at 60 is indeed a spring chick) Agree with others, your children are safe here as they are anywhere - unless you plan on floating them down the Fitzroy River on a lilo! Actually that's not quite true in all cases, taking them for a simple Big Mac in Lismore is a bit dangerous at the moment... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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