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Newmigrant

Reluctant teens

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We have 3 teenage children. 18, 17, 15. The 18 and 17yr old are flat out refusing to go and causing absolute blue murder.  Now The 15 yr old is trying to dig his heels in but ive told him he HAS to come with us and there is zero compromise on that. The 17 and 18yr old are almost 18 & 19. one is finished school and the other in her final year. Im totally torn. Do i leave them behind amd respect the fact they dont want to go? I understand its difficullt for them but We have made huge commitments in oz already and are just about to draw down a mortgage to build. We cant wait any longer as our PR runs out next year so its now or never!!!!!

Alot of people are telling us to go for it and others saying its unfair on the kids. My head is like mush so looking for an outsiders objective. Huge rows going on here daily. 

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Oh goodness, what a dilemma. Sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom particularly but you can’t force the older children really. Where will they live if they remain in the uk? How will they support themselves? How do you feel about leaving them?

The 15yo whilst yes you can force them with you and they might settle over time when they get to Australia, how will you feel if they don’t and high tail it back to the uk as soon as yr12 in school is finished?

I don’t know what to say to you really. I looked quickly at your previous posts and it looks like you were in Australia previously, were the children with you and settled then?

I wish you the best of luck with your decision and only you know what’s right for you and your family. Other people love a bit of high moral judgement so I wouldn’t pay attention to them particularly.

I returned to the uk in 2018 leaving my son in Australia but he was 24, so much older and an easier decision for me.

I must admit reading your post made me feel sick for you, nightmare scenario. Sending hugs, not that they help in a practical sense but y’know solidarity and all that! 🤗

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1 hour ago, Newmigrant said:

We have 3 teenage children. 18, 17, 15. The 18 and 17yr old are flat out refusing to go and causing absolute blue murder .....We cant wait any longer as our PR runs out next year so its now or never!!!!!

When you say your PR runs out next year, what do you mean?  Do you mean you don't satisfy the residency requirement for a RRV?   If you have lots of commitments in Australia, then you would probably get at least another year RRV, so perhaps it's not as urgent as you think.

1 hour ago, Newmigrant said:

Alot of people are telling us to go for it and others saying its unfair on the kids. My head is like mush so looking for an outsiders objective. Huge rows going on here daily. 

I wouldn't pay attention to anyone who's telling you to "go for it'.   They're probably like most Brits, imagining Australia as a paradise and that the kids will automatically be happier there, which you and I know is not true.  Australia is great for some people but not for others.  

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Posted (edited)

You can't, in all honesty, take a kid out of their final year of school so, there at least I would be leaving them with a relative to at least finish A levels and consider their options. They are at a terrible age to transfer, being a bit too old to start year 11 and you can't drop them into Aus year 12 without having done year 11 not without significant disadvantage anyway.  If they want to do Uni in UK then facilitate that, they'll be leaving home anyway. The 18 year old - in work or further education? If hanging around doing diddly squat then at least get them into work and see them settled independently (they're technically old enough to make their own decisions) but if you/they haven't validated visas then get them to do that before they cut loose.  Your 15 year old - aspirations for Uni or heading for work? If Uni then I wouldn't be mucking up their education - could they stay with relatives to at least finish GCSE in case they do want to continue with UK education. 

Unfortunately you've chosen a bad time to move with respect to their education and, for me, personally, I wouldn't have been moving kids in their last years  of secondary. 

Sadly, not everyone has the same aspirations as everyone else. There is no telling where any of them may be in 5 years time, they may want to be in Australia or they may have met the love of their life and be zipping off to live in Latvia or Arkansas you never know but we give them wings and teach them how to fly and hope that they don't land flat on their noses! 

I would imagine that no matter what you do there is going to be resentment on one side of the other - you resenting them for screwing up your dreams, them resenting you for screwing up their aspirations. Not going to be too many winners I fear but good luck with it. 

Edited by Quoll
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You do need to check your children's residency status if they go to uni and you leave the UK. I have heard of cases where they will be reclassed as foreign students, and be exposed to full foreign student fees. This could have bad ramifications on them. 


Nearly there! Don't drop the ball now guys! Vaccines are weeks away. Stay safe!

 

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Yes we been there before as a family back home 9years but been planning the permanent move for close to 5 of those. Kids have always known this was the plan.

We have validated visas and travel part of Pr rubs out nxt year yes.

The 15yr old is most certainly not up for discussion he wll be coming. Its more the 2 older ones, both girls. Can stay with family ofcourzs but very much need parenting and i dont want to burden anybody. The 18yr old is in love so this is why she has flipped. 

I really want them to embrace the adventure and come and i am struggling to see any pro of staying in UK other than for 17yr old to finish school. And ofcourse thats super important but i dont feel shes seeing anybodys feelings other than her own.

It is a crappy situation and somebody is gonna lose. 

I am also afraid that if i leave them behind i wont settle🙄 or that the dont move before july next year and their pr is gone and they decide they want to join us but cant??

A big fat mess

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Posted (edited)

I'm confused as you have posts from just a year ago, when you were living in Australia and had just been away for six months.  So surely, you must have lived in Australia for 2 years out of the last 5, and that means you can just get a 5-year RRV?

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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My husband has been working in oz. ive been here with the kids longer than planned due to covid and other personal circumstances so he will be the only one to meet the 2 out of 5 year rule

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39 minutes ago, Newmigrant said:

My husband has been working in oz. ive been here with the kids longer than planned due to covid and other personal circumstances so he will be the only one to meet the 2 out of 5 year rule

Even if you applied now?  You don't have to wait until your current RRV expires before you apply for a new one.

Also, having a husband who lives and works in Australia would count as a "strong tie" so you'd have a very good chance of getting a RRV even if you don't meet the 2 years out of 5.  

If he's got his citizenship, that would be an extremely strong tie.

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Posted (edited)

I would strongly recommend you book a one-off consultation with an agent like @paulhand from Suncoast Migration.  

It sounds as though the sensible solution is for all of you to stay in the UK until the two children have finished school, because it would be terribly disruptive to their education to move at this stage.  So all you have to do is solve the problem of losing your PR, and I suspect Paul will be able to come up with a strategy on that score, so your problem will be solved.

However, to be honest, I would be thinking twice about building a house in Australia at this stage, when the future is so uncertain for your family. It's not unusual for kids to refuse to migrate to a strange new country, BUT your children have had a taste of Australian life.  They know what it's like, and they've decided they like it better in the UK.  Strange as it may seem, some people do.  Given that, it's very likely they will still refuse to go next year or the year after or the year after that. 

Your worry about "settling" makes me wonder if you're really that committed to Australia yourself?  Living in Australia may be your husband's dream but your family has four adults in it now. Two of them definitely don't want to go and you're uncertain.  The remaining child is likely to be influenced by her sisters, even when she gets older. It does sound like he's been outvoted.

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Posted (edited)

If the 2 older children refuse to come, then change their minds a few years later, will they  have lost the chance of being eligible to join you, and will have to get visas in their own right.

There have been many sad posts over the years of children regretting not moving with their parents. Suggest you say give it a couple of years, then if it doesn’t work out we will support you returning to UK?

I so often see the advice of leaving children behind to finish their education in UK and to stay with relatives during a very vulnerable age. As one of possibly the only posters who has had to actually cope with that situation, it’s an awful thing to have do, for  both the child and the parents. We had no choice as there  was no education past age 14 for expat children where we lived. I can’t tell you how many children said they felt abandoned! and in my case even though  I was able to still spend some time in UK to support our daughter,   it was a very difficult situation to cope with. I would never ever have done it if there had been a choice, honestly who really wants to live on the other side of the world from their children.

Our 2 older boys were also in Uk age 19 & 21, both at university. When we retired we moved to Australia and all 3 were still in UK. The long term result was our middle son and daughter decided to come to Australia and it took them years of worry to be eligible for a visa to stay. Our oldest stayed in UK. 

All the best with your decision,  it won’t be easy, but having been married to someone in the RAF and having been an expat, many of our friends and us have moved our children between schools, and though not ideal, children are resilient and cope better than you think. Our daughter moved mid GCSE’s and did remarkably well.

 

Edited by ramot
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Posted (edited)
51 minutes ago, ramot said:

If the 2 older children refuse to come, then change their minds a few years later, will they  have lost the chance of being eligible to join you, and will have to get visas in their own right.

That's why I suggested a consultation with a migration agent. 

@Newmigrant is in a slightly different situation from the sad stories we've seen before.   Those were usually children who refused to be included on the PR application and regretted it later, OR they refused to come to Australia to activate their visa.  In those situations, they never had a valid PR visa, so they have no option but to get visas in their own right - which is extremely difficult and stressful as you know.

In this case, the children have actually lived in Australia - I'm not clear for how many years.  They currently have PR.  Their father has been living and working in Australia for x number of years, has a job, is on the electoral roll etc.  He may even be a citizen or eligible for it. I think that would constitute "having strong ties to Australia" which means they could get an exemption from the residency requirement if they wish to come to Australia later on.  However I'm not sure, so they need the advice of someone with experience of how it works.

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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