Recently Separated - mental health is suffering

[theonetruechris]

I've just recently separated from my wife (we're still in the same house lots to be sorted out) of 22 years. we been here 12 years now and I've not managed to build a social network. This was my first real relationship and I haven't broke up with / been broken up with before. I'm feeling super alone & anxious. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive this. Panicky me wants to head back to England where family is but I have a 16 year old son here and there's no guarantee I'll find a job (I'm 48 and a draftsman). So background done, Rather than the generic advice of  join a club / volunteer / get yourself out there. I'm looking for specific ideas and tips to help me for access support services / make connections / develop a social circle. Also the situation can't get messy or nasty as its not right & I'm holding on to a slim hope she may take me back. I'm currently in South East Melbourne - Cranbourne area. Thanks Chris

[Marisawright]

I know exactly how you feel.   I met my husband when I was 17 and he left when I was 41.   I always used to say, if my life was a mirror, I felt as if someone had just smashed it into a million pieces and there was nothing left. 

Your first step should be to see your GP and ask to be referred to a counsellor.  If nothing else, it's someone to talk to, and that can be a huge help all by itself. 

I know you won't believe me, but I can tell you from experience - it will get better.  But you can''t even get started until you accept that it's over.  I know what it's like.  Every time she's even slightly sympathetic, your hopes light up again.  I wasted a whole year doing that.   But the truth is, if she's kind to you, it DOESN'T mean she's having a change of heart.  She's just feeling sorry for you, that's all.  She knows you're hurting and she's trying to soften the blow.  It means nothing. 

What I did in the end, was make my oh sit down and tell him to give it to me straight, what were the chances of getting back together.   He hummed and haa'd and I told him that if he didn't think there was a chance, he was being downright cruel to keep me on a string.    Then he was honest, which hurt, but at least I knew the truth and could move on.  That's what you need to do -- and if you're too scared to ask, then you probably know the answer already.   

Let's face it, when someone has been in a marraige that long, they don't walk out unless they're very, very sure it's over.  It's much easier just to put it off another year, and then another year, and then another year.  Chances are your wife has been doing that for a few years already, maybe waiting for your son to be old enough. 

I know it won't be the best move financially, but I'd think seriously about moving out.  It's very hard to move on when you're still in the same house. Actually, I think moving back to the UK would be a good idea - think of it as moving back for a year or two while you adjust to single life,  not a forever move.   "Sorting stuff out" is just an excuse - there's nothing that can't be sorted out while you're apart just as easily.

There's much less age discrimination in the UK than there is in Australia so I don't think you'd have any trouble getting a job.  The unemployment rate there is no worse than Australia's, in spite of all the doom and gloom people speak. 

 

Edited November 26, 2021 by Marisawright

[Skani]

59 minutes ago, theonetruechris said:

I've just recently separated from my wife .... I'm feeling super alone & anxious. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive this. .... I'm looking for specific ideas and tips to help me for access support services / make connections / develop a social circle. .

Some support services  for those going through/have gone through your life disruption.    All the best, Chris.

https://mensline.org.au/separation-and-divorce/separation-looking-after-yourself/

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/coping-with-divorce-or-breakup

https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/The-Melbourne-Divorce-Support-Group/

https://walking.heartfoundation.org.au/walking/group/divorce-support-social-meetup

[Blue Flu]

I'd strongly consider a return to UK if in your boots. Hence endorse Marisawright comment. Australia is a hard country to be alone. Well Perth is. I experienced a little what you are possibly feeling after a break up way back in 1988. Best thing ever did was to get out within six months and spent four months travelling Asia before heading back to London. By all means seek some support in the meantime. In my experience attempting social connections here is fraught with difficulty. Hopefully you'll find someone , if even in a professional sense that you will feel able to unburden yourself. The best of luck in coming through this. It's hellish but time usually allows it to become a little easier.  

[Parley]

34 minutes ago, Blue Flu said:

I'd strongly consider a return to UK if in your boots. Hence endorse Marisawright comment. Australia is a hard country to be alone. Well Perth is. I experienced a little what you are possibly feeling after a break up way back in 1988. Best thing ever did was to get out within six months and spent four months travelling Asia before heading back to London. By all means seek some support in the meantime. In my experience attempting social connections here is fraught with difficulty. Hopefully you'll find someone , if even in a professional sense that you will feel able to unburden yourself. The best of luck in coming through this. It's hellish but time usually allows it to become a little easier.  

He has a child here. 

[Marisawright]

3 minutes ago, Parley said:

He has a child here. 

....which is why I didn't suggest a permanent move to the UK, although you never know where the son might choose to live in the future.

[calNgary]

5 hours ago, theonetruechris said:

I've just recently separated from my wife (we're still in the same house lots to be sorted out) of 22 years. we been here 12 years now and I've not managed to build a social network. This was my first real relationship and I haven't broke up with / been broken up with before. I'm feeling super alone & anxious. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive this. Panicky me wants to head back to England where family is but I have a 16 year old son here and there's no guarantee I'll find a job (I'm 48 and a draftsman). So background done, Rather than the generic advice of  join a club / volunteer / get yourself out there. I'm looking for specific ideas and tips to help me for access support services / make connections / develop a social circle. Also the situation can't get messy or nasty as its not right & I'm holding on to a slim hope she may take me back. I'm currently in South East Melbourne - Cranbourne area. Thanks Chris

Hi 

 Sorry to hear about your relationship, one thing i wouldn't do right now is move back to the UK UNLESS you have citizenship meaning you can return at some point if you wish, even then i would think very hard about it and not make a rushed decision.

 I hope things work out for you in the end

    Cal x

[Jon the Hat]

It is very tough, I went through this after a 4 year relationship when I was younger and that was tough.  They say there a three pillars in a really happy life - family, friends and work.  It sounds like you have been reliant on two for some time without much of a social group (lots of us are especially when we migrate), and that makes it tougher.  Be careful though before you take out the work one (assuming you are happy at work) and assume the family / friends one in the UK will take up the slack.  I would agree moving out is critical, and getting past the "she might take me back" takes time and is much harder if you are right there all the time.

[theonetruechris]

Thanks for the comments I somehow missed the sticky post on depression so I’ve been looking through that. Think I’ve clarified the it’s over part. Moving back is my worst case scenario as I’d never think of it in a million years otherwise. Sorting out what we’re doing with the house once we can get into the bank so I’m stuck for another week at least. The current job doesn’t make me happy it’s been the opposite for a long time. I was pretty much relying on the one pillar. So all in all I think I’ve got some massive changes to make. To quote the wombats ‘jump into the fog’

[Marisawright]

4 hours ago, theonetruechris said:

. Moving back is my worst case scenario as I’d never think of it in a million years otherwise. 

Ah, if Blighty holds no appeal, then don't do it.  Having family around probably won't help as much as you hope.  They might all rally round at first but then they'd all want to get back to their own lives.   

I think it's very easy to rely on "one pillar".  When you're a migrant, you arrive with no friends and it takes effort to make some, so it's very easy to fall into the trap of focussing all your attention on your partner. I know I did.   So when he buggered off, I felt very alone.  I moped around for a whole year before I got off my **** but eventually, I decided to force myself to get out and do stuff, even when I didn't feel like it.  Get on Meetup and look for social groups in Melbourne.  .  

I think it's too soon to worry about "what you're doing with the house".  That will take time as it will have to go through the family court. Move out and rent somewhere, preferably somewhere in a lively suburb with a few decent pubs, even if that means living in a shoebox. 

It doesn't feel like it now but this will probably be the start of a whole new exciting chapter in your life.  Good luck!