When and how did you tell family?

[HappyHeart]

1 hour ago, Marisawright said:

That’s the problem, once you’ve made the move, there’s no way to know how they might have turned out if you hadn’t made the move, so you can’t really judge

My friend in England who works in Education in our home town says ‘if they’re  easily led that’ll happen wherever they are.’

I tend to agree but in hindsight shifting a pre pubescent is not a great plan. Shift them as early as possible. Not just before High School. Too much adjusting to do at the most difficult time. I’m sure others had good experiences but less resilient kids can struggle. 

[Marcrobi]

We decided to move to Australia at the beginning of the 1st lockdown. I previously lived in aus for two years on a working holiday visa and dont even think i had a conversation about going there with my parents, it wasnt very well planned in all honesty.

this time was a lot different i brought my oh back from aus with me 7 years ago and two kids later we're heading back. Telling my mam and dad our plans was one of the hardest things ive had to do. Made it worse that we couldnt do it in person because of lockdown.

i think its best to bite the bullet and let them know, i remember stressing and feeling sick about telling them but as soon as i did it was a weight off.

 

my parents are really close with my little girls and i know it breaks their hearts but youve got to do whats right for yourself and your family. 
in terms of timing i told them before i had applied for the visa, felt best for us but i think each to their own with that 1

[Rossmoyne]

On 23/10/2021 at 05:08, TheBs said:

So I'm guessing for most people telling the family was the hardest part?

I'm interested in stories from those who knew the reception wouldn't be great.

When we told our family last time my mum near on stopped talking to me, my dad was supportive on the outside but my step mum said it would've broke him once I left and my in laws were again supportive to our face but I sensed my father in law was not thrilled 

We didn't end up going and now 2nd time round I don't know when is the right time to say anything...I feel this time I want to wait until we've actually applied for a visa, as last time we told everyone from the start.

I don't want to cause unecessary upset if it doesn't go ahead again, but I also feel like we're going behind peoples backs not saying anything at all.

So how did you go about it? Leave it till last minute or open from the start?

Such a hard situation to be in.   Everyone is different, and every family member will react differently.   Bottom line is that you play it how it works for you and your family.   My experience is that some people will be very happy for you and also be sad at not having your physical presence in their lives, but they will keep in contact and visit you too.   And others will only look at it from a purely selfish view and say "how could you do this to me", and disown you.  

Follow your gut reaction, but be aware that once you have let the cat out of the bag, everyone will know and judge you according to their own agenda.

Good Luck!

[skyeman]

We told our parents in person and it was a mixed bag or responses. My parents were Ok with it, they appreciated we love an adventure and said its "good to get it out of your system" as they think we will come back. My father talks about spending 3 months a year with us if we have room as he is now retired and my mother is also fine with it. A few digs about "what we are leaving behind" as i'm leaving the family company but she also knows we all love an adventure and being out and about. 

My Wifes family defo didn't go so well. My mother in law is very good with our 4 children ( much better than my mum haha ) and she cant travel because she has a few tricky health complications which prevent her flying. She basically said " don't expect to see me again " type thing. We explained that we would fly home every second year or if we can afford it maybe once a year but that's not good enough in her eyes and she constantly guilt trips us for "taking them away".

I was sponsored for a Canadian visa in 2015 and it was just granted before we found out we were pregnant with our second child. Contacted Canadian Immi who were more than helpful and said we could the baby in Canada no problem or have the baby in the UK and then they would add him/her to our visa on entry into the country. unfortunately at the 20 week scan they discovered our son had a cleft lip and palate and would require surgery and ongoing support. At that stage we had no idea how bad it would be so be pulled the plug on it. Now 6 years old and had 2 operations he is thriving and is excited at the idea of moving to Australia ( we visited for a month on a Reccie trip with him and his 3 siblings ). The issue is most of our family think that our visa for QLD will be the same, that we will be granted and be weeks away from going and then pull the plug. So although everyone is mostly OK with it we suspect some think we wont go as they tend to say things like " that Australia thing "  that "travel visa" and then make reference to our failed Canada Saga.

[Paul1Perth]

Waited till we had the visa and knew we were in. Told the in-laws first as they were just down the road and we were hoping to move in with them after we sold the house.

I was a bit worried but they were really supportive and excited for us. It helped that they had moved to Canada for about 10 years. My wife had a Canadian accent when I met her.

My family were OK, my sister and BIL were the most upset, we were very close and used to go out together a lot.

Mostly we were more excited than apprehensive. Just wanted to be on the plane as soon as we got the visa. 

[BeachBabe2022]

On 23/10/2021 at 08:08, TheBs said:

So I'm guessing for most people telling the family was the hardest part?

So how did you go about it? Leave it till last minute or open from the start?

 

No. Wasn't hard at all

It was something I wanted with all my heart, and nothing was going to stop me

But then again, I told them after I have emigrated

Rang them up, and said cannot come round for dinner next week, as ringing you from Australia.

Family were a tad shocked, but ultimately happy and excited for me.

More interested as to when they could get a free holiday staying with me

Your family will get over it. Don't let their sulking put you off.

And you are hardly going to the moon - only 24 hours away

Best of luck

 

[Lavers]

8 minutes ago, BeachBabe2022 said:

 

No. Wasn't hard at all

It was something I wanted with all my heart, and nothing was going to stop me

But then again, I told them after I have emigrated

Rang them up, and said cannot come round for dinner next week, as ringing you from Australia.

Family were a tad shocked, but ultimately happy and excited for me.

More interested as to when they could get a free holiday staying with me

Your family will get over it. Don't let their sulking put you off.

And you are hardly going to the moon - only 24 hours away

Best of luck

 

ruthless

[BeachBabe2022]

12 minutes ago, Lavers said:

ruthless

?

I don't think so

My life. Have to follow MY dreams and hearts desire - others have to live their own lives.

Don't need to stay attached to the apron strings forever

Some family may have been initially a little upset, but they all came round, because they love me and wanted to see me happy

Then again, I am pretty stubborn when it comes to my wants, once I get something fixated, absolutely NOTHING will sway me off my path. But everyone wanted me to be happy, so they may have complained to each other, but never said anything negative to me.

 

[Lavers]

7 minutes ago, BeachBabe2022 said:

?

I don't think so

My life. Have to follow MY dreams and hearts desire - others have to live their own lives.

Don't need to stay attached to the apron strings forever

Some family may have been initially a little upset, but they all came round, because they love me and wanted to see me happy

Then again, I am pretty stubborn when it comes to my wants, once I get something fixated, absolutely NOTHING will sway me off my path. But everyone wanted me to be happy, so they may have complained to each other, but never said anything negative to me.

 

No problem you've gotta do what you've gotta do, I just find it funny

You've got to live your life and you've definitely done the right thing.

[BeachBabe2022]

On 19/01/2022 at 21:05, Lavers said:

No problem you've gotta do what you've gotta do, I just find it funny

You've got to live your life and you've definitely done the right thing.

 

Yes. Definitely done the right thing.  

[TheBs]

On 19/01/2022 at 09:29, BeachBabe2022 said:

 

No. Wasn't hard at all

It was something I wanted with all my heart, and nothing was going to stop me

But then again, I told them after I have emigrated

Rang them up, and said cannot come round for dinner next week, as ringing you from Australia.

Family were a tad shocked, but ultimately happy and excited for me.

More interested as to when they could get a free holiday staying with me

Your family will get over it. Don't let their sulking put you off.

And you are hardly going to the moon - only 24 hours away

Best of luck

 

Wow, that's an aspiring outlook to have on life. 

I agree with your thought process, hopefully I'm as mentally strong as you too. .

Where did you go? Did you go single or as a couple/family?

[BeachBabe2022]

44 minutes ago, TheBs said:

Wow, that's an aspiring outlook to have on life. 

I agree with your thought process, hopefully I'm as mentally strong as you too. .

Where did you go? Did you go single or as a couple/family?

 

I was single.

Had a holiday romance and married him. He is from Melbourne. 

Look, this probably wouldn't work for most people. I know that. I come from a very large extended family, but we all do our own thing, and don't live in each others pockets. .

Whilst we love and care for each other, and want each other to be happy in life, we are not overly close knit, so the whole process was very easy for me. 

I realise that most people have very close knit family groups, and telling close family you are moving to the other side of the world, would be daunting or difficult or even heartwrenching.....but if you want to move, then that is just a process you need to go through.

Personally I would put a positive spin on telling family. You say you want to experience living overseas. You want to give it a good go for a year or two. You say it is only 24 hours difference if an emergency dash is needed. And think how exciting it would be for them to visit you, since Australia is so much nicer than the UK. You make it sound exciting and interesting and something for them to look forward to, and maybe they will come around quicker in their acceptance. 

I don't do negativity, tears and emotional blackmail, but I am sure it would stop a lot of people from living their dream, if faced with that. 

 

 

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, BeachBabe2022 said:

You say it is only 24 hours difference if an emergency dash is needed.

However, in practice that's not really true.  It's only a 24 hour flight, but you've got to get a seat on a flight at very short notice (always assuming you can afford to).  Then you've got to get to the airport from where you live - negligible time if you live in a city with an international airport, but adds hours if not.   Ditto at the other end.  And that's all assuming your flight isn't overbooked or delayed or cancelled, and you don't miss any of your connections.  Both my parents died (twenty years apart) before I could get home. And that was before Covid!  

I'm much like you, I never expected my parents to be upset when I announced I was moving to Australia.  They were typical, undemonstrative Scottish parents so they certainly didn't give any indication of it.  It's only been in my later years, as I see my friends' children leave home (I don't have kids myself) that I realise how heartless I was. I feel guilty now but as they're both gone, there's nothing I can do to redress it. 

My friends put on a brave face to their children, but they show their grief me.  Imagine if the love of your life suddenly announced he was leaving for Australia but hey, it's an adventure and of course you can visit, but I'm dumping you - and multiply it.  That's how my "empty nester" friends feel - and the problem is that, unlike with a lover, they can't get over it by finding a replacement child!

That's why I hate it when people say parents are using "emotional blackmail" when their kids announce they're migrating.  If their hearts are breaking, why should they shut up and pretend they're not, just to spare the child's feelings? 

Edited January 21, 2022 by Marisawright

[BeachBabe2022]

5 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

However, in practice that's not really true. 

Well of course not - but was hoping people would get the drift. 

[Marisawright]

1 minute ago, BeachBabe2022 said:

Well of course not - but was hoping people would get the drift. 

I objected to the statement because it's one of those things people say to make their relatives feel better, and it's a lie. 

[BeachBabe2022]

1 hour ago, Marisawright said:

I objected to the statement because it's one of those things people say to make their relatives feel better, and it's a lie. 

Mmm

Well I am a good liar when I need to be

Sorry, too hungover to expand further at this time on this subject - brain too fuzzy presently 

[ramot]

3 hours ago, Marisawright said:

However, in practice that's not really true.  It's only a 24 hour flight, but you've got to get a seat on a flight at very short notice (always assuming you can afford to).  Then you've got to get to the airport from where you live - negligible time if you live in a city with an international airport, but adds hours if not.   Ditto at the other end.  And that's all assuming your flight isn't overbooked or delayed or cancelled, and you don't miss any of your connections.  Both my parents died (twenty years apart) before I could get home. And that was before Covid!  

I'm much like you, I never expected my parents to be upset when I announced I was moving to Australia.  They were typical, undemonstrative Scottish parents so they certainly didn't give any indication of it.  It's only been in my later years, as I see my friends' children leave home (I don't have kids myself) that I realise how heartless I was. I feel guilty now but as they're both gone, there's nothing I can do to redress it. 

My friends put on a brave face to their children, but they show their grief me.  Imagine if the love of your life suddenly announced he was leaving for Australia but hey, it's an adventure and of course you can visit, but I'm dumping you - and multiply it.  That's how my "empty nester" friends feel - and the problem is that, unlike with a lover, they can't get over it by finding a replacement child!

That's why I hate it when people say parents are using "emotional blackmail" when their kids announce they're migrating.  If their hearts are breaking, why should they shut up and pretend they're not, just to spare the child's feelings? 

Luckily I’m not like most of your friends Marisa, and neither are many of my friends. I see nothing wrong in telling your children that you love them will miss them like mad, it’s not necessarily emotional blackmail, but that you respect their decision. they have to live their lives and all leave home eventually, as all parents we have to adjust to the empty nest. It depends a lot I think on your background? if you haven’t really ever moved around a lot, perhaps still live locally to where you grew up, surrounded by family and school friends, then perhaps it’s harder to let go of your children? The children of friends I have from my old village certainly haven’t strayed far, but as most of the people I know like us have moved around the country or the world because of their work, so it comes as no surprise that most, but not all, of our children have carried on by either emigrating, marrying someone from another country or working overseas.

My daughter has been the most adventurous of our 3, she has lived in Mexico and Kenya before following us here, and she has health problems that would probably keep most people close to home. Keeping a brave face never crossed my mind, she knew I would worry about her, I’m her mother it comes with the territory, just as she knew I understood that it was her life to live her way. just as I did when I went to work as an air hostess in Zambia in the 1960’s as a single female, and to be honest it was a more unusual thing to do then, and far harder to keep in touch, but what an adventure. 

Edited January 22, 2022 by ramot

[Marisawright]

38 minutes ago, ramot said:

Luckily I’m not like most of your friends Marisa, and neither are many of my friends. I see nothing wrong in telling your children that you love them will miss them like mad, it’s not necessarily emotional blackmail

I agree, and that's why I sometimes get annoyed at people labelling their parents' reaction as being "emotional blackmail".   Of course, if the parents are being all dramatic and threatening to cut them off, that IS emotional blackmail - but sometimes, it sounds as though the parents are just being honest about their feelings, andnd why the heck shouldn't they.  

I think it is different for those of us who've travelled - even if it's just to the next county!   Of course, I have friends who've coped with their children leaving home.  The ones who haven't are, as you say, people who've grown up in families that never strayed far, and the very idea of someone leaving the fold is a shock.

[TheBs]

I can see all sides. I think it does depend on your background and experiences. 

My in laws would be the type that would put on a brave face not necessarily like the idea but support it. My mother in law moved over from Ireland with her family at 15. But her and her sisters haven't strayed far from each other at all. One of our cousins live in New Zealand now the rest still local 

My dad was in the Navy and is all for me going, though my step mum has said he's putting on a brave face. He knows all too well the risk that you might not get home for a loved one, again maybe he doesn't have as strong maternal tie as he hasn't lived with me since I was 5, bit we are very close and I know he'll miss me.

My mum however, is the one that I feel did "emotionally black mail" me I thought about it a lot and the usual, you can't take the grandkids away from me, it's not fair statements I suspected. But to then get texts about how you contemplated suicide before and the only reason you haven't is because of the kids is not fair. We then got to the point where we almost stopped talking and then I didn't go. (She has other grandchildren) I explained I was doing it for the kids to give them a better life don't you want us to be happy? And she said I don't care about your happiness. 

This second time round I have adopted beachbabes thought process. You can't stay around for someone else's happiness. I am not responsible for them. You have to do what's right for you, by someone asking you to stay essentially what their saying is your needs are not as important as mine.

 As a mother now, as much as I love my kids their life is their journey not mine, it's my job to love and support them and encourage them. My mum made the mistake of making me and the kids her world and everything in it, now if we leave she has nothing. Having grown up with tears when I wanted to go to a university more than an hour away, or move out with friends it's made me push back, I wouldn't do that to my kids. 

 

So I appreciate the honesty from you all, I get that no it's not just a 24hr flight, but also it's not never again. We had a lady in our town hit by car a died at the scene two days ago none of her family were there either and they lived 5 minutes away. I know it's a sentimental nice thought that we die peacefully in a bed surrounded by loved ones but sometimes it's not like that. I can't hang around for 10-15yrs just in case, I think you have to accept that part of the move.

We have decided however that we aren't telling family until we have submitted the visa application so they know it's a definite possibility, there's no talking us out of it and it's in the hands of the authorities whether we stay or go

[Lavers]

14 minutes ago, TheBs said:

I can see all sides. I think it does depend on your background and experiences. 

My in laws would be the type that would put on a brave face not necessarily like the idea but support it. My mother in law moved over from Ireland with her family at 15. But her and her sisters haven't strayed far from each other at all. One of our cousins live in New Zealand now the rest still local 

My dad was in the Navy and is all for me going, though my step mum has said he's putting on a brave face. He knows all too well the risk that you might not get home for a loved one, again maybe he doesn't have as strong maternal tie as he hasn't lived with me since I was 5, bit we are very close and I know he'll miss me.

My mum however, is the one that I feel did "emotionally black mail" me I thought about it a lot and the usual, you can't take the grandkids away from me, it's not fair statements I suspected. But to then get texts about how you contemplated suicide before and the only reason you haven't is because of the kids is not fair. We then got to the point where we almost stopped talking and then I didn't go. (She has other grandchildren) I explained I was doing it for the kids to give them a better life don't you want us to be happy? And she said I don't care about your happiness. 

This second time round I have adopted beachbabes thought process. You can't stay around for someone else's happiness. I am not responsible for them. You have to do what's right for you, by someone asking you to stay essentially what their saying is your needs are not as important as mine.

 As a mother now, as much as I love my kids their life is their journey not mine, it's my job to love and support them and encourage them. My mum made the mistake of making me and the kids her world and everything in it, now if we leave she has nothing. Having grown up with tears when I wanted to go to a university more than an hour away, or move out with friends it's made me push back, I wouldn't do that to my kids. 

 

So I appreciate the honesty from you all, I get that no it's not just a 24hr flight, but also it's not never again. We had a lady in our town hit by car a died at the scene two days ago none of her family were there either and they lived 5 minutes away. I know it's a sentimental nice thought that we die peacefully in a bed surrounded by loved ones but sometimes it's not like that. I can't hang around for 10-15yrs just in case, I think you have to accept that part of the move.

We have decided however that we aren't telling family until we have submitted the visa application so they know it's a definite possibility, there's no talking us out of it and it's in the hands of the authorities whether we stay or go

Couldn't agree more, well done

[Amber Snowball]

8 minutes ago, TheBs said:

I can see all sides. I think it does depend on your background and experiences. 

My in laws would be the type that would put on a brave face not necessarily like the idea but support it. My mother in law moved over from Ireland with her family at 15. But her and her sisters haven't strayed far from each other at all. One of our cousins live in New Zealand now the rest still local 

My dad was in the Navy and is all for me going, though my step mum has said he's putting on a brave face. He knows all too well the risk that you might not get home for a loved one, again maybe he doesn't have as strong maternal tie as he hasn't lived with me since I was 5, bit we are very close and I know he'll miss me.

My mum however, is the one that I feel did "emotionally black mail" me I thought about it a lot and the usual, you can't take the grandkids away from me, it's not fair statements I suspected. But to then get texts about how you contemplated suicide before and the only reason you haven't is because of the kids is not fair. We then got to the point where we almost stopped talking and then I didn't go. (She has other grandchildren) I explained I was doing it for the kids to give them a better life don't you want us to be happy? And she said I don't care about your happiness. 

This second time round I have adopted beachbabes thought process. You can't stay around for someone else's happiness. I am not responsible for them. You have to do what's right for you, by someone asking you to stay essentially what their saying is your needs are not as important as mine.

 As a mother now, as much as I love my kids their life is their journey not mine, it's my job to love and support them and encourage them. My mum made the mistake of making me and the kids her world and everything in it, now if we leave she has nothing. Having grown up with tears when I wanted to go to a university more than an hour away, or move out with friends it's made me push back, I wouldn't do that to my kids. 

 

So I appreciate the honesty from you all, I get that no it's not just a 24hr flight, but also it's not never again. We had a lady in our town hit by car a died at the scene two days ago none of her family were there either and they lived 5 minutes away. I know it's a sentimental nice thought that we die peacefully in a bed surrounded by loved ones but sometimes it's not like that. I can't hang around for 10-15yrs just in case, I think you have to accept that part of the move.

We have decided however that we aren't telling family until we have submitted the visa application so they know it's a definite possibility, there's no talking us out of it and it's in the hands of the authorities whether we stay or go

Oh goodness! This sounds awful and my instinctive response reading it was you’d be better off further away, it sounds stifling and good for you making a conscious decision not to put that sort of pressure on your own children.

I worked with a woman who banned her children from ever living more than 20 minutes away from her. What’s that about?

To have the person who should love you unconditionally say they don’t care about your happiness and threatening suicide is emotional blackmail in the extreme and comes under coercive control when we look at domestic violence, as you would know, but we often don’t recognise it when it’s happening to us.

I hope the visa works out for you and stay strong, it’s your life and your immediate family unit who matter the most. If the australia thing doesn’t happen maybe a bit of a move further away anyway.

[Amber Snowball]

1 minute ago, Lavers said:

Couldn't agree more, well done

@Lavers I’m still rolling about the threat to bite your nose off, still lol when I think about it! Sometimes you need some distance from people! Certainly safer and protects your potential modelling career!