When and how did you tell family?

[TheBs]

So I'm guessing for most people telling the family was the hardest part?

I'm interested in stories from those who knew the reception wouldn't be great.

When we told our family last time my mum near on stopped talking to me, my dad was supportive on the outside but my step mum said it would've broke him once I left and my in laws were again supportive to our face but I sensed my father in law was not thrilled 

We didn't end up going and now 2nd time round I don't know when is the right time to say anything...I feel this time I want to wait until we've actually applied for a visa, as last time we told everyone from the start.

I don't want to cause unecessary upset if it doesn't go ahead again, but I also feel like we're going behind peoples backs not saying anything at all.

So how did you go about it? Leave it till last minute or open from the start?

[Quoll]

It was a long time ago but I think it was "The DH has been offered a XXX in YYY and we leave at the end of March" - the phone call was end of January from memory.  I honestly didnt give it a thought as to what impact it would have on my parents.  I'd already married an Aussie and lived in PNG by that time and we were back in UK so he could do Uni.  

The last time we left - we had been in UK for 9 years looking after Dad who had recently chosen to go into a care home and we decided on the Thursday we would need to leave asap in order to avoid being stuck there due to Covid, I told him on the Friday - he just nodded and said he could see the point, we promised to Skype and we would be back for a visit asap, I gave him a hug and that was it.  We cleared out his home, cleaned it and locked it up ready for sale and left on the Saturday night, spending the night with our son before flying out on Sunday.  I was fortunate in that my parents were much the same as us - independent and making things work for them so they had 15 years when they retired, spending 6 months each year playing golf here in Aus. Dad died 3 months after we left and though he asked us a couple of times when we would be coming back, we told him the government wouldnt let us leave and he sort of understood, otherwise I would have been back for his birthday the following February. I didnt (couldnt) go back for his funeral and you get to live with those kind of decisions.

I guess what I am saying is that you have to put on your kevlar knickers and be utterly selfish because if you worried about what everyone else thought of your actions then you would be hogtied. We have always been a spur of the moment kinda family though so long goodbyes and impending dooms are not our thing. If you know your family are going to guilt you or stop talking to you or generally be unhelpful then you will just have to be extra strong and you will have to do the hard yards in maintaining relationships if they are that important to you.

[ali]

We agonised over telling our parents (or rather I did), particularly my dad who when we left would have been on his own.  He was a little upset but also supportive having had the opportunity to work overseas when younger but my mother didn't want to and he said the chance never came around again and that was something he would have liked to have done.  My hubbys' parents were OK and didn't have any major reaction, although his 90 year old grandma was planning her trip (sadly she died the month before we moved).  I agree with Quoll in that you have to think about what's right for you - we can't live our lives for other people, but to also acknowledge that for our parents/siblings there may be a sense of loss/grief.  

[Blue Flu]

Possibly the more time for others to adjust the better? No expert myself, but when my father emigrated to Australia , although his parents were were aged at the time and had own issues, his brother never spoke to him for twenty years. A reconciliation of sorts took place when we went for a prolonged period to UK when I was a kid. Some things are hard to reconcile though. 

My former neighbour ,formally from Co Durham,    quite high up in the medical field, had to endure the fury of her mother who termed it treachery, taking her much  needed skills to a foreign country . I met the lady briefly, when she came on a visit and had not a good thing to say about Australia. She didn't drive , hated the heat, found it isolating, all in all determined not to find anything remotely pleasant to say about the country. Not that she saw much. 

The daughter though told us she did feel considerable guilt leaving the mother, she sold up and further down the track we heard she had returned. 

[Cobs_Ahoy]

We’ve been fretting about this a bit too, in the end we decided no point telling anyone until we’ve had an invitation to apply, otherwise there are just to many unknowns (including whether we can actually even do it!)

 

where are you in in the process now? Did you get any answers about the bridging course? I’ve submitted an EoI for a 189 while waiting for Queensland to open state nominations. 

 

I did did see this new news article a couple of weeks ago that raised my hopes, but haven’t been able I find out any details since.....

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.news.com.au/world/coronavirus/australia/health-minister-reveals-plan-to-ship-2000-healthcare-professionals-from-overseas/news-story/4d8154d4c2598dd19bafaa1215beb7c4%3famp

 

[TheBs]

Thanks everyone,

Im really trying to live by the whole "I'm not responsible for others Happiness" but as the time gets closer to apply it gets harder 

 

Definitely some big girl pants required! Blue Flu that would be exactly my mum's response..in fact your neighbors done well to even get her out there! My mum said if we were meant to fly we'd have wings! And I can't take her grandchildren away from her! 

I think that's the pull factor if we had no kids I'd be off tomorrow. 

@Cobs_Ahoy we're not much further to be honest. My IELTS is November I've gathered my information so once that's done we can start setting some wheels in motion. 

How about you?

[Marisawright]

First, try to see it from their point of view.  As far as your parents are concerned, they're losing you forever.  Brief holidays now and then seem like scant compensation to them.  What's worse, you didn't all get snatched from them by death or war or other circumstance - you're choosing to go, deciding that another country matters more than they do.  No wonder they're upset. 

That's why you need the kevlar pants.  If moving to Australia is genuinely the best thing for your family, then you have to press on, but don't underestimate the grieving process that your parents are going through.  Don't blame them for being "unreasonable", because they're not being unreasonable. They had a dream of what their old age would be like, and you've just destroyed it. They're entitled to be upset.

Given the depth of that feeling, I don't think I'd say anything yet.  The whole visa process takes ages and your parents probably have no idea how long it takes.    You could probably wait till you actually submit the application to say, "we're applying", and your  parents will have no idea how many months you've already invested in skills assessments etc.   

Edited October 23, 2021 by Marisawright

[Bobj]

In 1962, II went to the travel agent in Bradford, got home armed with the necessary forms and declared, “I’m off to Australia!” Dad shook my hand and Mum shed a tear. That was 59 years ago, but it took 11 months due to a lost form at Australia House. Never for 1 second have I ever regretted my decision. And have had a terrific life here. In all that time, I doubt I lived more than 2 years in a city; biggest town was Bunbury, WA. In 1964, population, 10,000.

Cheers, Bobj.

[Cobs_Ahoy]

24 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

First, try to see it from their point of view.  As far as your parents are concerned, they're losing you forever.  Brief holidays now and then seem like scant compensation to them.  What's worse, you didn't all get snatched from them by death or war or other circumstance - you're choosing to go, deciding that another country matters more than they do.  No wonder they're upset. 

That's why you need the kevlar pants.  If moving to Australia is genuinely the best thing for your family, then you have to press on, but don't underestimate the grieving process that your parents are going through.  Don't blame them for being "unreasonable", because they're not being unreasonable. They had a dream of what their old age would be like, and you've just destroyed it. They're entitled to be upset.

Given the depth of that feeling, I don't think I'd say anything yet.  The whole visa process takes ages and your parents probably have no idea how long it takes.    You could probably wait till you actually submit the application to say, "we're applying", and your  parents will have no idea how many months you've already invested in skills assessments etc.   

I’d agree with this, part of the reason we haven’t told people yet is I don’t want my 6 year old worrying about stuff for potentially well over a year, and I don’t want to tell other family members until my daughter knows. 

 

We are at the ‘thumb twiddling’ she now. I’ve lodged the EoI for a 189 but until my experience ticks over to 8 years (next August) I’m only on 75 points so not holding my breath. Figured it was worth sticking in though due to covid.

 

Who knows when Queensland will restart state nominations for overseas applicants, but as soon as they do I’ll put an EoI in for a 190. Although if they change the AHPRA criteria (In previous years QLD didn’t require registration before lodging your EoI, I like other states) I’ll have some more goops to jump through. 

 

Good of luck with your English test, I got my results from Peterson’s an hour later and immediately submitted my skills assessment, which then took three weeks to come back. I think IELTS takes longer though?

[Quoll]

You're likely to have the most trouble with your daughter tbh. Especially if she is close to her grandparents. Both my now adult sons, having partnered with girls from large local extended families, have said that their only regret is that they grew up isolated from wider family even though we did our best to maintain those links and having my parents visit for long periods. If either your parents or your daughter are enmeshed in each others lives it is going to be hard for all. If you're essentially independent already it will be much easier. 

[TheBs]

10 minutes ago, Quoll said:

You're likely to have the most trouble with your daughter tbh. Especially if she is close to her grandparents. Both my now adult sons, having partnered with girls from large local extended families, have said that their only regret is that they grew up isolated from wider family even though we did our best to maintain those links and having my parents visit for long periods. If either your parents or your daughter are enmeshed in each others lives it is going to be hard for all. If you're essentially independent already it will be much easier. 

My daughter actually is really excited about it, i'd say my mum is more attached than she is.

It's a difficult relationship to explain but basically it's going to cause trouble and I suppose I'm having a touch of cold feet as to whether I really want to stir that nest 

But then that would be the easy way out

[Lavers]

19 minutes ago, TheBs said:

My daughter actually is really excited about it, i'd say my mum is more attached than she is.

It's a difficult relationship to explain but basically it's going to cause trouble and I suppose I'm having a touch of cold feet as to whether I really want to stir that nest 

But then that would be the easy way out

Suck it up and get them told haha

It's not easy but at the end of the day you are doing what you feel is right for your family.

I told my family at the very start and they where all very supportive, but it was my daughter (6 at the time) who told my wife's dad whilst out for walk. They where chatting and she just said that he could come and visit when we are in Australia he wasn't impressed and said that he would never come to Australia nor speak to the kids on the phone as it would be too hard for him.

I did feel sorry for my father in law as my girls were everything to him and he was a brilliant grandad, unfortunately he passed away last Feb before we came out.

Some will take it good others will spit there dummies out but you have to do what you feel is right for your family.

[Bulya]

On 23/10/2021 at 08:08, TheBs said:

So I'm guessing for most people telling the family was the hardest part?

I'm interested in stories from those who knew the reception wouldn't be great.

When we told our family last time my mum near on stopped talking to me, my dad was supportive on the outside but my step mum said it would've broke him once I left and my in laws were again supportive to our face but I sensed my father in law was not thrilled 

We didn't end up going and now 2nd time round I don't know when is the right time to say anything...I feel this time I want to wait until we've actually applied for a visa, as last time we told everyone from the start.

I don't want to cause unecessary upset if it doesn't go ahead again, but I also feel like we're going behind peoples backs not saying anything at all.

So how did you go about it? Leave it till last minute or open from the start?

Wait until you actually have a visa.  

[Blue Flu]

15 hours ago, TheBs said:

Thanks everyone,

Im really trying to live by the whole "I'm not responsible for others Happiness" but as the time gets closer to apply it gets harder 

 

Definitely some big girl pants required! Blue Flu that would be exactly my mum's response..in fact your neighbors done well to even get her out there! My mum said if we were meant to fly we'd have wings! And I can't take her grandchildren away from her! 

I think that's the pull factor if we had no kids I'd be off tomorrow. 

@Cobs_Ahoy we're not much further to be honest. My IELTS is November I've gathered my information so once that's done we can start setting some wheels in motion. 

How about you?

I suspect her daughter hoped for something else, bringing the mother out here,  while the mother's agenda was clearly to subvert the mind of her daughter in order to turn it around to her way of thinking. She was quite a formable lady and well travelled in her younger days. (she had lived in Kenya, herself) 

I guess I can understand in the age, it must be hard for a parent, especially when partner has passed on, to come to terms with her daughter going to the other side of the world. 

 

[MacGyver]

18 hours ago, TheBs said:

My mum said if we were meant to fly we'd have wings! And I can't take her grandchildren away from her! 

Being a migrant is hard, but your parents made decisions they felt were best for their children. Now it’s your turn to make decisions you think are best for your children. Yes other people will be sad and miss you, but it’s your life and it’s important to be the star in your own movie - not a supporting actor in someone else’s movie. Do what makes you and your immediate family happy, whatever that may be.

I’ve never been fond of emotional blackmail from family. I know my opinion differs to others that have posted, but Being a migrant is inherently selfish (quite rightly so), and you don’t have a responsibility to overly consider how it affects anyone other than you and your immediate family. Yes that’s harsh, but sometimes we have to be a little selfish to pursue our own happiness in life.

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, MacGyver said:

Being a migrant is hard, but your parents made decisions they felt were best for their children. Now it’s your turn to make decisions you think are best for your children.

True, but I wish people would put that "best for your children" mantra to bed.   An Afghan moving to Australia could certainly claim they're doing their best for their children, but a Brit or European moving to Australia can make no such claim.      One country is not better than the other in the long run, they're just different.  Both have pros and cons for children, when they're growing up and once they're adults.  And let's not all start posting  our opinion about why one is better, because its just an opinion.

You only have to browse around these forums to see that.  You'll find plenty of people who feel glad they moved their children to Australia, but you'll find just as many who moved back to the UK and are so glad they did, because they feel their kids are better off there.  It's personal preference, no more.

The reality is that most of the time, when people want to migrate, they want it for themselves.  Whether they've got to a point in life where they're thinking, "Is that all there is?", or it's a thirst for adventure, or a need for more money, or whatever, it's a selfish desire. And that's OK because what's the point of being an adult if you can't live your own life?  Just be honest about it, and don't use your kids as an excuse.

 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Marisawright

[Quoll]

8 hours ago, TheBs said:

My daughter actually is really excited about it, i'd say my mum is more attached than she is.

It's a difficult relationship to explain but basically it's going to cause trouble and I suppose I'm having a touch of cold feet as to whether I really want to stir that nest 

But then that would be the easy way out

Your daughter probably  has no concept of what it will be like in reality. It'll appear  to her to be like a holiday and everyone likes a holiday. And I'm sure you've put the best possible "we can go to the beach every day, you can have a puppy and a pony" gloss on it (ok maybe not the puppy and the pony ). If you'd said "you'll never see nanna and grandad or your cousins again, you won't live in this house any more, you won't see your special school friends ever again, we will have to get rid of a lot of your toys "  then you might get a different response.  She's excited because you are excited. It might be fine but dont be surprised if she finds it harder than you think. 

 

[Toots]

3 hours ago, MacGyver said:

Being a migrant is hard, but your parents made decisions they felt were best for their children. Now it’s your turn to make decisions you think are best for your children. Yes other people will be sad and miss you, but it’s your life and it’s important to be the star in your own movie - not a supporting actor in someone else’s movie. Do what makes you and your immediate family happy, whatever that may be.

I’ve never been fond of emotional blackmail from family. I know my opinion differs to others that have posted, but Being a migrant is inherently selfish (quite rightly so), and you don’t have a responsibility to overly consider how it affects anyone other than you and your immediate family. Yes that’s harsh, but sometimes we have to be a little selfish to pursue our own happiness in life.

It's not easy.  It's very hard.  Thankfully my Mum didn't make things difficult though I'm absolutely sure she was very sad about it.  Dad died 5 years before we came to Australia so she was effectively on her own.  My sister was working in Germany at that time and my brother was working in the Middle East.  Mum had some very good friends she had known for donkey's years and she was very close to her sister so she had a very active social life.  Saying goodbye wasn't easy  -  lots  of tears.  We didn't have children then so that was one less thing to worry about.  My OH's parents had also died but he did have a younger sister whom he was close to.  She had Aussie/UK citizenship so we always thought she would also move to Australia but apart from holidays she never did.

We started talking with Mum about coming to Australia about a year before the move.  She came out every second year and loved her visits.

PS   I meant to reply to @TheBs  

Edited October 24, 2021 by Toots

[Tulip1]

2 hours ago, Marisawright said:

True, but I wish people would put that "best for your children" mantra to bed.   An Afghan moving to Australia could certainly claim they're doing their best for their children, but a Brit or European moving to Australia can make no such claim.      One country is not better than the other in the long run, they're just different.  Both have pros and cons for children, when they're growing up and once they're adults.  And let's not all start posting  our opinion about why one is better, because its just an opinion.

You only have to browse around these forums to see that.  You'll find plenty of people who feel glad they moved their children to Australia, but you'll find just as many who moved back to the UK and are so glad they did, because they feel their kids are better off there.  It's personal preference, no more.

The reality is that most of the time, when people want to migrate, they want it for themselves.  Whether they've got to a point in life where they're thinking, "Is that all there is?", or it's a thirst for adventure, or a need for more money, or whatever, it's a selfish desire. And that's OK because what's the point of being an adult if you can't live your own life?  Just be honest about it, and don't use your kids as an excuse.

 

So true.  As you say, there’s nothing wrong with the adults making the decision to move if they want to.  Many of those that use the I’m doing it for the kids have kids that love their lives, love their school, love their friends, love playing with their cousins and adore their aunties/uncles and grandparents.  They are in simple terms thriving.  To remove them from that brings no guarantee of a better, happier life.  They may thrive even more in their new world, they may not.   The bottom line is no one can say one way or another.  Both first world countries, both offer an excellent start in life for children.  That doesn’t mean the parents shouldn’t emigrate if that’s what they want to do because it’s their choice and the kids move with them.  They just need to be honest about why it’s happening.  In fairness they may be being honest because they have a belief it’s going to be better for their kids without any actual evidence it will be. 

Edited October 24, 2021 by Tulip1

[HappyHeart]

I think you listen to your gut about what you want to do, then you tell people. Tell them when thw timw seems right. Dont overthink it. The reactions are theirs to manage not yours. You can't predict how people will react. My opinion is that pure selfishness drives those who react badly. They are in no way thinking of your opportunity, just their loss. Possibly ruing their own lives and lack of drive or opportunity to make a similar move. 

If my kids up and move away  I'll be thrilled for them and cry my tears in private. I would never hold them back or expect them.to.consider me in their future plans.  I fully expect at least one of them will move away. I hope my children have amazing fulfilled lives. 

Live for yourself and your immediate family. 

For the record my Mother was the only one to react badly. She basically didn't speak to me about it at all, from the day I told her to the day we were on the plane. Pure denial but then, that's her modus operandus.

Edited October 24, 2021 by HappyHeart

[HappyHeart]

In terms of extended family, just remember families fall out and the memories are often better than the reality. My kids, when younger used to say they missed growing up with a larger group of cousins, Grandparents etc. We do have family here, they live in the next suburb. They moved here to be near us. How often do we see them now? Nowhere near as much as we used to. As they got older they now have nothing at all in common. Maybe its a younger child thing to want to be with cousins and Grandparents. My son used to beg to go back for.holidays. Now he's not interested, wants to go to Canada, Sacndinavia and the US.  Remember, they grow up. Build the life that suits you. The kids will make their own plans when the time comes. 

[HappyHeart]

2 hours ago, Marisawright said:

True, but I wish people would put that "best for your children" mantra to bed.   An Afghan moving to Australia could certainly claim they're doing their best for their children, but a Brit or European moving to Australia can make no such claim.      One country is not better than the other in the long run, they're just different.  Both have pros and cons for children, when they're growing up and once they're adults.  And let's not all start posting  our opinion about why one is better, because its just an opinion.

You only have to browse around these forums to see that.  You'll find plenty of people who feel glad they moved their children to Australia, but you'll find just as many who moved back to the UK and are so glad they did, because they feel their kids are better off there.  It's personal preference, no more.

The reality is that most of the time, when people want to migrate, they want it for themselves.  Whether they've got to a point in life where they're thinking, "Is that all there is?", or it's a thirst for adventure, or a need for more money, or whatever, it's a selfish desire. And that's OK because what's the point of being an adult if you can't live your own life?  Just be honest about it, and don't use your kids as an excuse.

 

Its never about the kids being better off, coming here or going home. Parents use that as an excuse to do what they want to do in their heart of hearts.

[MacGyver]

3 hours ago, Marisawright said:

True, but I wish people would put that "best for your children" mantra to bed.   An Afghan moving to Australia could certainly claim they're doing their best for their children, but a Brit or European moving to Australia can make no such claim.      One country is not better than the other in the long run, they're just different.  Both have pros and cons for children, when they're growing up and once they're adults.  And let's not all start posting  our opinion about why one is better, because its just an opinion.

You only have to browse around these forums to see that.  You'll find plenty of people who feel glad they moved their children to Australia, but you'll find just as many who moved back to the UK and are so glad they did, because they feel their kids are better off there.  It's personal preference, no more.

The reality is that most of the time, when people want to migrate, they want it for themselves.  Whether they've got to a point in life where they're thinking, "Is that all there is?", or it's a thirst for adventure, or a need for more money, or whatever, it's a selfish desire. And that's OK because what's the point of being an adult if you can't live your own life?  Just be honest about it, and don't use your kids as an excuse.

 

Of course one country isn’t better than the other, I’m not for a second suggesting Australia or the UK is “better” for children. But one country can be better suited to someone than the other. Whichever country that is for someone will hopefully help them to be happy, positive and productive, which by extension is better for their children. Kids don’t care where they grow up or what the climate is like, but if their parents are happy and ‘present’ it’ll be what’s best for the kids. Safety and attachment is all that really matters, and a lot of that is a direct result of the parents happiness and health.

[HappyHeart]

1 hour ago, MacGyver said:

Of course one country isn’t better than the other, I’m not for a second suggesting Australia or the UK is “better” for children. But one country can be better suited to someone than the other. Whichever country that is for someone will hopefully help them to be happy, positive and productive, which by extension is better for their children. Kids don’t care where they grow up or what the climate is like, but if their parents are happy and ‘present’ it’ll be what’s best for the kids. Safety and attachment is all that really matters, and a lot of that is a direct result of the parents happiness and health.

Well said. However the opportunities here are far greater for my 2. Growing up where we come from is not a good proposition but they could have done well anywhere, maybe? I'm glad they're not there and I'm glad we are here. So are they. That's all that matters. 12 years on with one adult and 1 man child. 

[Marisawright]

23 minutes ago, HappyHeart said:

Well said. However the opportunities here are far greater for my 2. Growing up where we come from is not a good proposition but they could have done well anywhere, maybe? I'm glad they're not there and I'm glad we are here. So are they. That's all that matters. 12 years on with one adult and 1 man child. 

That’s the problem, once you’ve made the move, there’s no way to know how they might have turned out if you hadn’t made the move, so you can’t really judge