HappyHeart Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 Fathers Day got me thinking. My Dad sent me a message that tugged at the heartstrings and made me feel guilty for leaving him. How do you reconcile the gaps and disconnects that occur when your ageing family are in another country. Covid making it more difficult to book a flight on a whim. I cope with it very well normally and even welcome the distance but today and at other significant family times it hits a bit harder..... 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 26 minutes ago, HappyHeart said: Fathers Day got me thinking. My Dad sent me a message that tugged at the heartstrings and made me feel guilty for leaving him. How do you reconcile the gaps and disconnects that occur when your ageing family are in another country. Covid making it more difficult to book a flight on a whim. I cope with it very well normally and even welcome the distance but today and at other significant family times it hits a bit harder..... I’m in the opposite position, I am the parent with luckily 2 children in Australia, but we came here on our own, and they followed. but son and only grandchildren are in UK, Lots of my friends are in the same position. What do we do? We accept it, it’s what it is. We are lucky in this day and age that we can face time, it’s better than nothing. Snail mail to my mother in UK in the 1960’s as phone calls were far to expensive to consider, makes me realise that how hard that was, but again you accepted it because there was no choice. We all make decisions about how and where we live, as long as our children, and parents know we love them, we have to accept it, not saying it’s easy though. When the only choice of work for my husband was in Brunei, our 3 children and my mother were in UK. Our daughter was only 13, and had to go to boarding school, and was very unhappy, the boys were 19 and 21, and my mother had a breakdown! I spent the next 10 years flying between Brunei and UK trying to keep everyone happy, Needless to say I only partially succeeded. So you have to do the best in the circumstances and try not to blame yourself too much. im sure your Dad knows you love him lots, just so much harder with covid lockdown. xM 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted June 20, 2021 Share Posted June 20, 2021 This is the first Fathers Day I haven’t had my dad - he died in U.K. last year and I wasn’t there for him. I know I shouldn’t feel guilt because the DH and I put our lives on hold to care for him and mum for nearly 9 years and he made the decision to go into a care home which he absolutely loved. Still, doesn’t stop the guilt from washing in every now and again - especially since I “went” to my last remaining uncle’s funeral at midnight on Tuesday - he and my aunt had no kids so they relied on us nieces and nephew. It is what it is and it’s a decision we make when we move away from our nearest and dearest. Now, our son has done to us what we did to my mum and dad, emigrated (accidentally) back to Britain and he won’t be back either. Bummer, but not much you can do about it. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johndoe Posted June 21, 2021 Share Posted June 21, 2021 Consider myself lucky that I never had the parent dilemma when I emigrated. My older 3 boys were all in the forces at the time and I rarely saw them anyway so that wasn't much of a problem either. Two of my grandchildren (from one of the latter sons) now live here so I'm blessed in that way. I feel for those who miss their loved ones though. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Not Dale Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 On 20/06/2021 at 20:28, HappyHeart said: Fathers Day got me thinking. My Dad sent me a message that tugged at the heartstrings and made me feel guilty for leaving him. How do you reconcile the gaps and disconnects that occur when your ageing family are in another country. Covid making it more difficult to book a flight on a whim. I cope with it very well normally and even welcome the distance but today and at other significant family times it hits a bit harder..... We can video call for free. I have never not had it as an option and simply don’t know how people did it without it. Ring him often. Covid has exasperated it all massively. Can’t visit, can’t help them. Had to watch sh*t happen from afar. I would say listen to your gut, if you think your dad deserves a long spell with you, fly him out or go for a extended trip home. I will be doing a long trip home when this is all over for sure. I’m fast learning a bigger house and salary doesn’t really mean much compared to a good family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted July 3, 2021 Author Share Posted July 3, 2021 On 02/07/2021 at 10:55, Dan Not Dale said: We can video call for free. I have never not had it as an option and simply don’t know how people did it without it. Ring him often. Covid has exasperated it all massively. Can’t visit, can’t help them. Had to watch sh*t happen from afar. I would say listen to your gut, if you think your dad deserves a long spell with you, fly him out or go for a extended trip home. I will be doing a long trip home when this is all over for sure. I’m fast learning a bigger house and salary doesn’t really mean much compared to a good family. Trips are not an option. He won't come here without his wife and both of them have health issues, multiple hospital appts etc. I can't go back for a longer spell. Not with work plus my own family to consider. I just called him. He was talking about the 'Grandchildren' which winds me up as they're not even his. Petty I know and selfish of me given I whisked his away and he hasn't even met his 2 great grandkids. I was shown pics of them on the mantlepiece. I asked where my youngest's pic was...in the other room he says. He's just messaged me to say he's moved it to the mantlepiece. Out of sight out of mind. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted July 3, 2021 Author Share Posted July 3, 2021 My Nan is 90 this year. She was diagnosed with Alzheimers a few years ago. Its hard to chat with her on messenger as she's mostly deaf. Shes been out here at least 4 times. She won't make it again. 3 years ago was last trip and she struggled. I was planning a trip back this year for her birthday but that's not going happen. She was such a big part of my life. Me and my Aunty did all the organising and get togethers etc. We are noth in Perth now. Theres a big family over there too. I feel like we've lost the connection. I might never see her again. Makes me so sad. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tea4too Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 On 03/07/2021 at 12:18, HappyHeart said: Trips are not an option. He won't come here without his wife and both of them have health issues, multiple hospital appts etc. I can't go back for a longer spell. Not with work plus my own family to consider. I just called him. He was talking about the 'Grandchildren' which winds me up as they're not even his. Petty I know and selfish of me given I whisked his away and he hasn't even met his 2 great grandkids. I was shown pics of them on the mantlepiece. I asked where my youngest's pic was...in the other room he says. He's just messaged me to say he's moved it to the mantlepiece. Out of sight out of mind. Your post set me thinking about the adjustments we make when close family move away, and I think it is maybe inevitable that relationships change. Everything shifts slightly, including expectations, needs, responsibilities and even how we reflect on some memories. The greater the distance, the longer the separation, the harder it is to maintain the closeness that daily familiarity tends to nurture. Any shared experience tends to be something that happened in the past, whereas current 'news' involves people we or they either don't know, or no longer spend time with. Each party becomes an outsider looking in, interested in catching up and keeping in touch, but separate. Maybe it is part of the price of emigration because even the frequently declared 'only 24 hours away' is impractical for all those little things, good and bad, that create the glue of mutually dependent relationships. None of this necessarily means that people care less for loved ones, or that they are forgotten, and when people do eventually get together it can often feel as though they were never apart. However irrespective of which side of the world we live, there is little choice but to get on with life and fill the gaps that the absence of loved ones create. But in truth, it would have naffed me off too HappyHeart. Tx 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHeart Posted July 6, 2021 Author Share Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) 53 minutes ago, tea4too said: Your post set me thinking about the adjustments we make when close family move away, and I think it is maybe inevitable that relationships change. Everything shifts slightly, including expectations, needs, responsibilities and even how we reflect on some memories. The greater the distance, the longer the separation, the harder it is to maintain the closeness that daily familiarity tends to nurture. Any shared experience tends to be something that happened in the past, whereas current 'news' involves people we or they either don't know, or no longer spend time with. Each party becomes an outsider looking in, interested in catching up and keeping in touch, but separate. Maybe it is part of the price of emigration because even the frequently declared 'only 24 hours away' is impractical for all those little things, good and bad, that create the glue of mutually dependent relationships. None of this necessarily means that people care less for loved ones, or that they are forgotten, and when people do eventually get together it can often feel as though they were never apart. However irrespective of which side of the world we live, there is little choice but to get on with life and fill the gaps that the absence of loved ones create. But in truth, it would have naffed me off too HappyHeart. Tx Very well articulated and totally relateable. Thank you. Edited July 6, 2021 by HappyHeart 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dusty Plains Posted July 6, 2021 Share Posted July 6, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, HappyHeart said: Very well articulated and totally relateable. Thank you. Respecting your advice. I have family 4000km from us, Sometimes I feel that may very well be on the other side of the world. They are daughters and SIL and three grandchildren. 10yo and under, at that particular age where they are discovering the world, and the moon and the planets and musical instruments and maths and science. Respecting those that have family much further away, for us, its as challenging. We miss them but have resolved to visit once every 12 months, if possible. We are getting older too. Edited July 6, 2021 by Dusty Plains 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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