Stuck between 2 countries & its ruining my soul

[Jess377383]

I’m feeling really stuck between Aus and the UK... I absolutely love the lifestyle here in Australia but I miss my friends & family back in the UK so much. 

I’m worried we will go back to the UK and hate the lifestyle, I’ve got so used to the sun, swimming in the ocean, the expansive countryside etc etc. BUT I’m terrified of staying here too because I’m missing out on valuable time with my parents who won’t be here forever! I’m also tired of missing birthdays, christmasy, weddings etc back home with the people I care about most. 

I’m also 30 and at the age where I’d really like to be thinking about buying a house, kids, blah blah. And feel like we can’t possibly embark on that journey until we have committed to a country. 

My partner and I are currently on PR and can apply for citizenship in February but we have told our family we will be home for good for Christmas which I want to be but I also want Australian citizenship. I’m aware that whilst Febuary is not far away the citizenship process is a 12 month + ordeal and feel like with covid I can’t be away from home much longer - the guilt is killing me. 

A bit of a brain splat but does anyone have any words of wisdom? Should we stay or should we go?

[ramot]

7 minutes ago, Jess377383 said:

I’m feeling really stuck between Aus and the UK... I absolutely love the lifestyle here in Australia but I miss my friends & family back in the UK so much. 

I’m worried we will go back to the UK and hate the lifestyle, I’ve got so used to the sun, swimming in the ocean, the expansive countryside etc etc. BUT I’m terrified of staying here too because I’m missing out on valuable time with my parents who won’t be here forever! I’m also tired of missing birthdays, christmasy, weddings etc back home with the people I care about most. 

I’m also 30 and at the age where I’d really like to be thinking about buying a house, kids, blah blah. And feel like we can’t possibly embark on that journey until we have committed to a country. 

My partner and I are currently on PR and can apply for citizenship in February but we have told our family we will be home for good for Christmas which I want to be but I also want Australian citizenship. I’m aware that whilst Febuary is not far away the citizenship process is a 12 month + ordeal and feel like with covid I can’t be away from home much longer - the guilt is killing me. 

A bit of a brain splat but does anyone have any words of wisdom? Should we stay or should we go?

You have to make up your own minds, no one can or should  do that for you, but it makes sense to get citizenship before you leave. As a parent with grownup children my attitude is it’s their life  to live their lives where ever they want to.

[Marisawright]

If going home is really what you want, then go. Make sure you have a valid RRV first though, so you have a few years to change your mind. 

However do ask yourself whether it’s genuinely what you want or just guilt talking 

[calNgary]

As you are not sure what you want to do and you are still relatively young i would not go anywhere until you have citizenship. This gives you a lot more flexibility in the future without jumping through hoops. It also seems like you have a pretty good boss /job so be wary of throwing that away.

 Maybe once you have citizenship ,have a trip back. You do quite often read how people who miss friends etc go back to find their friends have moved on and its harder to slot back into the life you had. I think you do need that trip back to decide where you want to settle.

Lots of luck with everything

  Cal x

[MacGyver]

4 hours ago, Jess377383 said:

I’m feeling really stuck between Aus and the UK... I absolutely love the lifestyle here in Australia but I miss my friends & family back in the UK so much. 

I’m worried we will go back to the UK and hate the lifestyle, I’ve got so used to the sun, swimming in the ocean, the expansive countryside etc etc. BUT I’m terrified of staying here too because I’m missing out on valuable time with my parents who won’t be here forever! I’m also tired of missing birthdays, christmasy, weddings etc back home with the people I care about most. 

I’m also 30 and at the age where I’d really like to be thinking about buying a house, kids, blah blah. And feel like we can’t possibly embark on that journey until we have committed to a country. 

My partner and I are currently on PR and can apply for citizenship in February but we have told our family we will be home for good for Christmas which I want to be but I also want Australian citizenship. I’m aware that whilst Febuary is not far away the citizenship process is a 12 month + ordeal and feel like with covid I can’t be away from home much longer - the guilt is killing me. 

A bit of a brain splat but does anyone have any words of wisdom? Should we stay or should we go?

If you don’t mind me asking, what is it that’s making you feel guilty and how is it connected to Covid? 

For some, missing home is a very deep and strong desire to live in the place they grew up. But I think sometimes when we miss home it can also be nostalgia for the past rather than missing the way things are now. Closed borders can contribute to homesickness as we know we can’t jump on a plane whenever we need to, and not having a choice somehow makes it worse. Even I have felt homesick recently and I couldn’t get out of Scotland quick enough after returning a few years ago.

If I was in your shoes I would consider hanging on for citizenship and take a long holiday to the UK whenever that becomes possible in 2022. Spend long enough to get past the holiday phase and into the period where people stop dropping everything to see you and go back to normal life. When it drifts into the normal Monday to Friday 9-5, the 2 weeks holiday is over and friends and family resume their lives, that’s when you start to get a feel for what real life might be like living back in the UK for you. 

[Quoll]

You are young enough to hang about and get citizenship then up sticks and move, safe in the knowledge that if it works you win and if it doesnt you can return to Australia. Think about moving somewhere in UK where you can do the coast thing.  The countryside can be interesting and vast, depending on where you move back to and you really are spoiled for variety and choice.  Much as I dislike Australia, I wouldnt be leaving after getting so close to getting citizenship, I'm a belt and braces kinda gal.  Put a date on it and it will all seem so much more manageable

[Dusty Plains]

On 04/05/2021 at 17:14, Quoll said:

You are young enough to hang about and get citizenship then up sticks and move, safe in the knowledge that if it works you win and if it doesnt you can return to Australia. Think about moving somewhere in UK where you can do the coast thing.  The countryside can be interesting and vast, depending on where you move back to and you really are spoiled for variety and choice.  Much as I dislike Australia, I wouldnt be leaving after getting so close to getting citizenship, I'm a belt and braces kinda gal.  Put a date on it and it will all seem so much more manageable

Interesting to say the least. I would have thought that if Brits, or anyone else for that matter, coming to Australia, then the most logical goal would be to become an Australian and to live in in Australia as an Australian. I must be missing something.  You say:

"Much as I dislike Australia, I wouldnt be leaving after getting so close to getting citizenship"

 Does that mean... I want Australian citizenship but I do not want to be an Australian. How does that work? 

Edited May 6, 2021 by Dusty Plains

[Skani]

29 minutes ago, Dusty Plains said:

Does that mean... I want Australian citizenship but I do not want to be an Australian. How does that work? 

DP,   you've been on here long enough to have read multiple versions of "I'm sticking around to get citizenship in case I - or my children - want to return in future".

[Quoll]

10 hours ago, Dusty Plains said:

Interesting to say the least. I would have thought that if Brits, or anyone else for that matter, coming to Australia, then the most logical goal would be to become an Australian and to live in in Australia as an Australian. I must be missing something.  You say:

"Much as I dislike Australia, I wouldnt be leaving after getting so close to getting citizenship"

 Does that mean... I want Australian citizenship but I do not want to be an Australian. How does that work? 

Had to get citizenship for the employment I wanted back in the day. So yes, basically, like millions of others I wanted citizenship and I behave like a good citizen but, unfortunately I cannot "be" pure Australian in my heart.  It's ok for everyone else to be a  Chinese Australian, Greek Australian, Italian Australian etc etc, so, I am an English Australian, and to all intents and purposes being as Australian as anyone else and probably more Australian than most - hell, I even have the accent!  So if the OP wants to hedge their bets and become Australian (and they do love the lifestyle) but their life takes a different  turn for the moment for whatever reason then they would be silly not to take the opportunity which would ensure they could return if they wanted to. Flexibility is key.

[Dusty Plains]

7 minutes ago, Quoll said:

Had to get citizenship for the employment I wanted back in the day. So yes, basically, like millions of others I wanted citizenship and I behave like a good citizen but, unfortunately I cannot "be" pure Australian in my heart.  It's ok for everyone else to be a  Chinese Australian, Greek Australian, Italian Australian etc etc, so, I am an English Australian, and to all intents and purposes being as Australian as anyone else and probably more Australian than most - hell, I even have the accent!  So if the OP wants to hedge their bets and become Australian (and they do love the lifestyle) but their life takes a different  turn for the moment for whatever reason then they would be silly not to take the opportunity which would ensure they could return if they wanted to. Flexibility is key.

Still, if you dislike Australia, as suggested, you are entitled to hold that view, yet here you are. That's the bit I just don't get. Nobody is suggesting that brit expats or other expats need to be pure Australians as you put it, yet there are plenty on PIO who are making an effort, just like the majority of the rest of us.    

It was not so long ago that the English people voted to leave the EU. One of the main factors, if not THE main factor was that although droves of people from Europe moved across the channel into England, the locals were clearly miffed by the fact that many were there for their own benefit and showed no intention of ever being English British or otherwise.  

 

  

[Marisawright]

44 minutes ago, Dusty Plains said:

Still, if you dislike Australia, as suggested, you are entitled to hold that view, yet here you are. That's the bit I just don't get. Nobody is suggesting that brit expats or other expats need to be pure Australians as you put it, yet there are plenty on PIO who are making an effort, just like the majority of the rest of us.    

I'd have thought you knew Quoll by now, Dusty.   She is one of those people who gets depressed and feels "out of place" when living in a foreign country. However, she does not have the choice to go back and live in the UK because of her Australian husband.  She has made the best of a difficult situation by becoming a citizen.  

I would hate it if nasty comments caused her to leave these forums, because her experience is invaluable to other husbands or wives caught in the same situation.

[Quoll]

1 hour ago, Dusty Plains said:

Still, if you dislike Australia, as suggested, you are entitled to hold that view, yet here you are. That's the bit I just don't get. Nobody is suggesting that brit expats or other expats need to be pure Australians as you put it, yet there are plenty on PIO who are making an effort, just like the majority of the rest of us.    

It was not so long ago that the English people voted to leave the EU. One of the main factors, if not THE main factor was that although droves of people from Europe moved across the channel into England, the locals were clearly miffed by the fact that many were there for their own benefit and showed no intention of ever being English British or otherwise.  

 

  

What makes you think I don't make an effort? I am trapped because I love the Australian man in my life (and I've had him for so long and I would hate to have to train up a new one!) I do get in with it, I've worked, volunteered, worked for government and NGOs, I'd like to think I've done my bit but it doesn't mean that the place has to resonate with my soul.  When I moved here over 4 decades ago, the first rule was leave your baggage at the door, don't hang on to your heritage, be Australian, so I did that. It's only recently that the "multi culti" thing has flourished and every man and his dog is getting in on the "my heritage" act.  Actually, I think it was probably easier back in the day - knuckle down and get on with it, don't bring your baggage and everyone was doing the same - common cause and all that.

I do think you have to be aware, though, and not disparaging of people for whom the country does not resonate and its quite OK that they may think that. What they may choose to do with their lives is up to them but don't denigrate them for making the choice to go or stay.  There is nothing in the rule  book that days you have to like Australia, even if you live here. Covid has definitely made it worse because you can't get your sanity hits which is how many of us cope (whilst still being good and valuable Australian citizens!). 

[Dusty Plains]

5 hours ago, Marisawright said:

I'd have thought you knew Quoll by now, Dusty.   She is one of those people who gets depressed and feels "out of place" when living in a foreign country. However, she does not have the choice to go back and live in the UK because of her Australian husband.  She has made the best of a difficult situation by becoming a citizen.  

I would hate it if nasty comments caused her to leave these forums, because her experience is invaluable to other husbands or wives caught in the same situation.

There have been no nasty comments from me. There are plenty of places in the world that I would not return to in a hurry, but its fair to say that if I was in Rome I would largely do what the Romans do. I would go with the flow, even if it hurts.  But if things did not work out, I would not be throwing rocks at the Romans.

As its none of my business, I will simply make the observation that Quoll seemingly dislikes the misfortune of her situation more than anything else.  

[newjez]

8 hours ago, Dusty Plains said:

Still, if you dislike Australia, as suggested, you are entitled to hold that view, yet here you are. That's the bit I just don't get. Nobody is suggesting that brit expats or other expats need to be pure Australians as you put it, yet there are plenty on PIO who are making an effort, just like the majority of the rest of us.    

It was not so long ago that the English people voted to leave the EU. One of the main factors, if not THE main factor was that although droves of people from Europe moved across the channel into England, the locals were clearly miffed by the fact that many were there for their own benefit and showed no intention of ever being English British or otherwise.  

 

  

Really? I see vast differences between transient labour and people wanted to adopt a whole new lifestyle. Did you really think that was what it was about? Maybe it was.

[Dusty Plains]

On 07/05/2021 at 16:20, newjez said:

Really? I see vast differences between transient labour and people wanted to adopt a whole new lifestyle. Did you really think that was what it was about? Maybe it was.

It was.

[s713]

On 07/05/2021 at 06:00, Dusty Plains said:

...its fair to say that if I was in Rome I would largely do what the Romans do.

You see, I've never been able to work out that attitude. Why aren't you entitled to live your life however you want, wherever you live?

[Bulya]

6 minutes ago, s713 said:

You see, I've never been able to work out that attitude. Why aren't you entitled to live your life however you want, wherever you live?

It doesn’t work.  Trying to live like a Pom in Australia or any country for that matter doesn’t work.  Most Poms don’t understand that Australia isn’t ‘pommyland with sunshine’.  
I’ve seen it happen decade after decade.  

[HappyHeart]

27 minutes ago, s713 said:

You see, I've never been able to work out that attitude. Why aren't you entitled to live your life however you want, wherever you live?

Agree on the whole. There's no singular way to be/live. Diversity is strong in Australia and the whole fit in or you know what attitude is so old.....

[ramot]

1 hour ago, s713 said:

You see, I've never been able to work out that attitude. Why aren't you entitled to live your life however you want, wherever you live?

That’s a bit naive. You can’t live as you want in some countries, as they aren’t as liberal. we certainly couldn’t when we lived in a fairly strict Muslim country for 10 years, unless you were prepared to take the consequences of flouting the country’s rules. Prison wasn’t to be recommended!! 

[Dusty Plains]

13 minutes ago, ramot said:

That’s a bit naive. You can’t live as you want in some countries, as they aren’t as liberal. we certainly couldn’t when we lived in a fairly strict Muslim country for 10 years, unless you were prepared to take the consequences of flouting the country’s rules. Prison wasn’t to be recommended!! 

Maybe a few posters on here have not noticed that you can indeed live as you want, and however you want in Australia and even to express an opinion to a greater extent that most other countries. If however things do not work out for the individual then it would be a bit of a stretch to say that its Australia that is at fault.  

[s713]

27 minutes ago, ramot said:

That’s a bit naive. You can’t live as you want in some countries, as they aren’t as liberal. we certainly couldn’t when we lived in a fairly strict Muslim country for 10 years, unless you were prepared to take the consequences of flouting the country’s rules. Prison wasn’t to be recommended!! 

But we're talking about Australia.

[Dusty Plains]

3 minutes ago, s713 said:

But we're talking about Australia.

We are now, but in your previous post you were used the term "wherever you live". 

[ramot]

25 minutes ago, Dusty Plains said:

We are now, but in your previous post you were used the term "wherever you live". 

Exactly 

[Bulya]

10 hours ago, Dusty Plains said:

Maybe a few posters on here have not noticed that you can indeed live as you want, and however you want in Australia and even to express an opinion to a greater extent that most other countries. If however things do not work out for the individual then it would be a bit of a stretch to say that its Australia that is at fault.  

Australia will be exactly the same the day they leave as it was the first day they thought about migrating.  Lack of research.

[s713]

18 hours ago, ramot said:

Exactly 

The discussion was about someone 'being stuck' in Australia and then a 'when in Rome' comment was thrown in. You then weighed in with the muslim angle, which some people always seem to do with these types of discussion.

No bother, I'm not really that interested.