Missing the UK

[JJNot]

Hi! So we (me, husband and two girls 5 and 1) moved to Perth last year during the height of Covid. It was very stressful, but we were so grateful to be able to get out of the UK and live normal lives here. Moving to Australia had been everything I wanted and worked so hard for. I wanted a better life for myself and my family. My Dad and brother live here and I had been out to visit a few times and loved it. I kept thinking this is the best place to raise a family. I know we'd miss family in UK but I had family here so thought it would be OK. Unfortunately, not long after our arrival there was a big family fall out. Although everyone is back on talking terms, nothing is like it once was. My girls are very happy here, especially my eldest. Both my husband and I have good jobs and earn good money. But for some reason, I am miserable!! I cannot seem to settle or make many friends. I miss my family back home so very much. I now suffer from the worst anxiety and I don't know what to do. I was the complete driving force behind the move here and now I regret it so much. I just don't know what to do. I am very close with my Mum and inlaws and I know they are missing the girls terribly. But they were also so supportive in our move here. 

Did anyone else struggle when they arrived in Oz and how long did it last for? or did anyone go back to the UK and was actually really happy with their choice??

[newjez]

1 hour ago, JJNot said:

Hi! So we (me, husband and two girls 5 and 1) moved to Perth last year during the height of Covid. It was very stressful, but we were so grateful to be able to get out of the UK and live normal lives here. Moving to Australia had been everything I wanted and worked so hard for. I wanted a better life for myself and my family. My Dad and brother live here and I had been out to visit a few times and loved it. I kept thinking this is the best place to raise a family. I know we'd miss family in UK but I had family here so thought it would be OK. Unfortunately, not long after our arrival there was a big family fall out. Although everyone is back on talking terms, nothing is like it once was. My girls are very happy here, especially my eldest. Both my husband and I have good jobs and earn good money. But for some reason, I am miserable!! I cannot seem to settle or make many friends. I miss my family back home so very much. I now suffer from the worst anxiety and I don't know what to do. I was the complete driving force behind the move here and now I regret it so much. I just don't know what to do. I am very close with my Mum and inlaws and I know they are missing the girls terribly. But they were also so supportive in our move here. 

Did anyone else struggle when they arrived in Oz and how long did it last for? or did anyone go back to the UK and was actually really happy with their choice??

It's possible you are suffering from PTS after everything you have been through. Have you tried talking with a therapist or your GP?

[Marisawright]

@bug family

[Quoll]

How long did it last? - 42 years come Sunday, not that I struggled in the beginning, basically because we both believed it wasnt going to be for ever.  I spent 8.5 years from 2011 back in UK and it was better than I imagined it would be.

Hope you can sort yourself out. 

[Loopylu]

10 hours ago, JJNot said:

Hi! So we (me, husband and two girls 5 and 1) moved to Perth last year during the height of Covid. It was very stressful, but we were so grateful to be able to get out of the UK and live normal lives here. Moving to Australia had been everything I wanted and worked so hard for. I wanted a better life for myself and my family. My Dad and brother live here and I had been out to visit a few times and loved it. I kept thinking this is the best place to raise a family. I know we'd miss family in UK but I had family here so thought it would be OK. Unfortunately, not long after our arrival there was a big family fall out. Although everyone is back on talking terms, nothing is like it once was. My girls are very happy here, especially my eldest. Both my husband and I have good jobs and earn good money. But for some reason, I am miserable!! I cannot seem to settle or make many friends. I miss my family back home so very much. I now suffer from the worst anxiety and I don't know what to do. I was the complete driving force behind the move here and now I regret it so much. I just don't know what to do. I am very close with my Mum and inlaws and I know they are missing the girls terribly. But they were also so supportive in our move here. 

Did anyone else struggle when they arrived in Oz and how long did it last for? or did anyone go back to the UK and was actually really happy with their choice??

If you have anxiety please do go and see a doctor.  Moving countries is a major upheaval and can result in depression even though on paper you seem to have the perfect life.  I know because I have experienced it.  I have lived in Australia for nearly 13 years and have never really settled and rely on anti-depressants to keep me on an even keel.  I am stuck living in Australia for the foreseeable due to the age of my kids and the stage of education they have reached and my Australian husband's serious health issues.  I am currently back in the UK as I got an exemption to travel because my Dad is seriously ill.  I am really happy to be back here and feel like I can breathe again.

However, I would not necessarily throw in the towel just yet on your Australian journey particularly as you have only done a year and it may be more difficult to re-establish life back in the UK with Covid -  it could result in a case of "out of the frying pan, into the fire" in terms of stress. 

It must be hard with the current travel restrictions not to be able to go back for a holiday to see your Mum and I am sure this is probably at the back of your mind too. Hopefully, you can get some medical help soon to help you cope with how you are currently feeling.

Take care!

Edited March 26, 2021 by Loopylu

[Bulya]

16 hours ago, JJNot said:

Hi! So we (me, husband and two girls 5 and 1) moved to Perth last year during the height of Covid. It was very stressful, but we were so grateful to be able to get out of the UK and live normal lives here. Moving to Australia had been everything I wanted and worked so hard for. I wanted a better life for myself and my family. My Dad and brother live here and I had been out to visit a few times and loved it. I kept thinking this is the best place to raise a family. I know we'd miss family in UK but I had family here so thought it would be OK. Unfortunately, not long after our arrival there was a big family fall out. Although everyone is back on talking terms, nothing is like it once was. My girls are very happy here, especially my eldest. Both my husband and I have good jobs and earn good money. But for some reason, I am miserable!! I cannot seem to settle or make many friends. I miss my family back home so very much. I now suffer from the worst anxiety and I don't know what to do. I was the complete driving force behind the move here and now I regret it so much. I just don't know what to do. I am very close with my Mum and inlaws and I know they are missing the girls terribly. But they were also so supportive in our move here. 

Did anyone else struggle when they arrived in Oz and how long did it last for? or did anyone go back to the UK and was actually really happy with their choice??

Why Perth?  

[Wanderer Returns]

16 hours ago, JJNot said:

Hi! So we (me, husband and two girls 5 and 1) moved to Perth last year during the height of Covid. It was very stressful, but we were so grateful to be able to get out of the UK and live normal lives here. Moving to Australia had been everything I wanted and worked so hard for. I wanted a better life for myself and my family. My Dad and brother live here and I had been out to visit a few times and loved it. I kept thinking this is the best place to raise a family. I know we'd miss family in UK but I had family here so thought it would be OK. Unfortunately, not long after our arrival there was a big family fall out. Although everyone is back on talking terms, nothing is like it once was. My girls are very happy here, especially my eldest. Both my husband and I have good jobs and earn good money. But for some reason, I am miserable!! I cannot seem to settle or make many friends. I miss my family back home so very much. I now suffer from the worst anxiety and I don't know what to do. I was the complete driving force behind the move here and now I regret it so much. I just don't know what to do. I am very close with my Mum and inlaws and I know they are missing the girls terribly. But they were also so supportive in our move here. 

Did anyone else struggle when they arrived in Oz and how long did it last for? or did anyone go back to the UK and was actually really happy with their choice??

I went through exactly the same experience 18 years  ago after being out here for about 9 months, so you're not alone. You're doing the best thing by opening up rather than suppressing it like I did, which resulted in a panic attack so dramatic that I was hospitalized (the paramedics thought I'd gone into cardiac arrest!)

Maybe you will get past the homesickness and maybe you won't. It's too early say. If you feel this way after 2 years here, then it probably isn't going to pass and you should consider moving back, but it isn't the same for everyone - there are no hard and fast rules. Some people are absolutely certain they should return, and with some it takes longer to reconcile that Australia will never be home. In the meantime, try not use phrases like I miss my family back home. Australia is your home now - take ownership of that decision.

Family was a big thing for me, as I no one out here. The realization that you can no longer just pop around and see someone, and that the UK isn't just '24 hours away', as some Poms try and convince themselves. Once you're out here, trips back are few and far between unless you're loaded, and will be even fewer for the foreseeable future given the current situation. At least there's Skype, Zoom etc these days, which can make us all feel a little closer. 

I would avoid any knee-jerk decisions and focus on rebuilding the relationship with the family out here, unless the fallout has caused irreparable damage. Most things (with the exception of partner indiscretions) can usually be worked through!

Get some professional help with the anxiety, and the best of luck with it all.

[Wanderer Returns]

15 hours ago, newjez said:

It's possible you are suffering from PTS after everything you have been through. Have you tried talking with a therapist or your GP?

That's highly unlikely given her circumstances, but I agree the OP should seek medical advice - and leave the diagnosis to the experts  

[Marisawright]

17 hours ago, JJNot said:

did anyone go back to the UK and was actually really happy with their choice??

https://www.pomsinoz.com/topic/201029-moving-back-to-the-uk-from-australia-positive-stories/

Many people do go back.  But there are just as many who stay and have a happy life in Australia.  Everyone is different.

I must say, I do find it telling that you refer to missing "home".    If, after two years, you're not even starting to think of Australia as "home", that could be a sign that it's not for you.  It sounds as though you were driven by the idea of financial security and didn't give much thought to other aspects of life in Oz.  

However, I think you need to work through your feelings first.  Ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor.  It really helps to have an impartial ear to tell your troubles to. 

Whereabouts in Australia are you? If you're in one of the capitals, one odd thing about them is that the suburbs are very, very different and you can be miserable in one suburb, struggling to make friends and thinking there's nothing to do, when only a few suburbs away, people are very friendly and there's heaps going on.  So consider widening your horizons a bit too

Edited March 26, 2021 by Marisawright

[newjez]

1 hour ago, Wanderer Returns said:

That's highly unlikely given her circumstances, but I agree the OP should seek medical advice - and leave the diagnosis to the experts  

Ditto.

Edited March 26, 2021 by newjez

[Wanderer Returns]

2 hours ago, Marisawright said:

Whereabouts in Australia are you? If you're in one of the capitals, one odd thing about them is that the suburbs are very, very different and you can be miserable in one suburb, struggling to make friends and thinking there's nothing to do, when only a few suburbs away, people are very friendly and there's heaps going on.  So consider widening your horizons a bit too

The OP states they moved to Perth last year, so I assume that's where they've tried to settle. As we all know, you either love or hate Perth. Personally I couldn't imagine living there, but it's okay for a visit. As you've said, look at other suburbs first and if that fails, maybe consider other states. WA and NSW/QLD are like chalk and cheese.

[newjez]

5 hours ago, Wanderer Returns said:

That's highly unlikely given her circumstances, but I agree the OP should seek medical advice - and leave the diagnosis to the experts  

I think you may be confusing PTS with PTSD.

[bug family]

23 hours ago, JJNot said:

Hi! So we (me, husband and two girls 5 and 1) moved to Perth last year during the height of Covid. It was very stressful, but we were so grateful to be able to get out of the UK and live normal lives here. Moving to Australia had been everything I wanted and worked so hard for. I wanted a better life for myself and my family. My Dad and brother live here and I had been out to visit a few times and loved it. I kept thinking this is the best place to raise a family. I know we'd miss family in UK but I had family here so thought it would be OK. Unfortunately, not long after our arrival there was a big family fall out. Although everyone is back on talking terms, nothing is like it once was. My girls are very happy here, especially my eldest. Both my husband and I have good jobs and earn good money. But for some reason, I am miserable!! I cannot seem to settle or make many friends. I miss my family back home so very much. I now suffer from the worst anxiety and I don't know what to do. I was the complete driving force behind the move here and now I regret it so much. I just don't know what to do. I am very close with my Mum and inlaws and I know they are missing the girls terribly. But they were also so supportive in our move here. 

Did anyone else struggle when they arrived in Oz and how long did it last for? or did anyone go back to the UK and was actually really happy with their choice??

Hi JJ Not,

Your in the right place for different viewpoints and advice on this, there are those that love their life here in Australia and those that really don't (I am the latter ) this forum is a great place to gain some insight into those differing views, no matter which side of the fence you sit on.

In answer to your question, yes I have been in Australia for 9 years and have unfortunately pretty much missed home (UK) for the whole time, I actually voiced before leaving Britain that I would be going back home one day, I knew after the first few weeks that it was not for me my own fault I suppose, I should have been stronger in the beginning and voiced my concerns and made more of an effort to convince my wife that it was not for me / us, unfortunately I am trapped here, as my children (Daniel 13 & Emily have grown up here and my wife has most of her immediate family here and she and they would not consider going back home to live.

I would like to tell you that it gets easier with time but if anything the pull back home gets stronger (at least for me) as you start to realise that time is short (9 years has gone by so quickly) and you have missed so much.

I would say that you are in an enviable place for a number of reasons, firstly although you have invested money into your move here you have only invested a relatively short period of time, and therefore home will not have moved on that much and your children are young enough still to settle back home, in my experience the longer you leave it the more difficult it becomes and you risk being 'shipwrecked' here (my boat currently has a lot of holes and is stuck on a big sandbank lol ) 

secondly you are in the unique position to be able to make the comparison between the two countries (Australia and U.K.) and having lived in both can decide which you prefer and where you would rather live, remember the majority of people you meet do not get the opportunity to live in another country and therefore may have a slightly golden view of what life may be like here in Australia, you have tried both and can compare.

I was lucky enough to visit home for the first time since coming here in December 2019, I went on holiday with my son and we did a road trip all round the UK, and loved every minute of it, for me it cemented where I belong and wanted to be, however sometimes in life in order to gain what we want we have to give up what we cannot, I would have to leave my children and I  could not imagine doing that.

I think you need to get a plan together, set goals and tick them off (either mentally or physically), I have accepted that I won't be going home yet, however mentally I have accepted that I will one day, but in the mean time I have set myself the goal of saving up and obtaining a small holiday apartment back home (this is going to take a few years at the rate i am going ) mentally it will help me to know i have a base back home still that I and the children can go on holiday to (once COVID is under control) and at the same time know that I am not giving up on the place i want to be, but also that i am not just leaving my children here. (if that makes sense)

Good luck JJ, I hope you can get some reassurance and lower your anxiety, there are some great members on here with very sound advice, hopefully it helps to know that you are not alone  

 

 

 

[newjez]

15 hours ago, Wanderer Returns said:

The OP states they moved to Perth last year, so I assume that's where they've tried to settle. As we all know, you either love or hate Perth. Personally I couldn't imagine living there, but it's okay for a visit. As you've said, look at other suburbs first and if that fails, maybe consider other states. WA and NSW/QLD are like chalk and cheese.

I really don't think this is about moving suburbs or states.

It is very hard for a woman to move away from her support network with a one year old. OP probably didn't realize it at the time, but it is a massive strain to put upon herself at that time in her life, even in normal times, but with covid, I can only imagine how stressful it was.

Moving suburbs or states isn't going to deal with her issues.

Edited March 27, 2021 by newjez

[MaroubraAndy]

Everyone’s journey is different, I moved out to o in 2008 and lived their for 10 years before moving back to the U.K. in 2018. Personally I loved every minute of it but always had in the back of my head that we would move back to the U.K. at some point.  When we eventually got back to the U.K. the place seemed so alien, we simply couldn’t get our heads around how crap everything seemed, it’s been 3 years now and although we’ve adjusted, life just doesn’t seem so sweet.  My point is, the longer you’re away harbouring thoughts of the U.K. but all the while adjusting to life down under, if/when you eventually make it back, you might be surprised by what you ‘thought’ you wanted..

[Toots]

4 minutes ago, MaroubraAndy said:

Everyone’s journey is different, I moved out to o in 2008 and lived their for 10 years before moving back to the U.K. in 2018. Personally I loved every minute of it but always had in the back of my head that we would move back to the U.K. at some point.  When we eventually got back to the U.K. the place seemed so alien, we simply couldn’t get our heads around how crap everything seemed, it’s been 3 years now and although we’ve adjusted, life just doesn’t seem so sweet.  My point is, the longer you’re away harbouring thoughts of the U.K. but all the while adjusting to life down under, if/when you eventually make it back, you might be surprised by what you ‘thought’ you wanted..

So true.  I had no idea until I joined this forum and discovered how many people from the UK are yearning to return but for various reasons are stuck here.  It must be an awful thing to live like that.  On the other hand, I am one of those people who came years ago (1981) and always felt settled here and never really suffered from homesickness.  I can happily watch all those British things on the TV e.g. Midsomer Murders and various documentaries showing the lovely scenery and admire the beauty of it but don't feel any sort of twinge that might make me miss it.  After many visits back to the UK I was always happy to return to my home in Australia.  

I never thought of coming to Australia to live - never crossed my mind.  I had lived in 4 other countries but the main reason I came to Australia is, I married an Australian.

[ramot]

5 minutes ago, Toots said:

So true.  I had no idea until I joined this forum and discovered how many people from the UK are yearning to return but for various reasons are stuck here.  It must be an awful thing to live like that.  On the other hand, I am one of those people who came years ago (1981) and always felt settled here and never really suffered from homesickness.  I can happily watch all those British things on the TV e.g. Midsomer Murders and various documentaries showing the lovely scenery and admire the beauty of it but don't feel any sort of twinge that might make me miss it.  After many visits back to the UK I was always happy to return to my home in Australia.  

I never thought of coming to Australia to live - never crossed my mind.  I had lived in 4 other countries but the main reason I came to Australia is, I married an Australian.

Toots I am very similar to you, apart from marrying an Australian. We have lived in several countries, came to live here when we retired. We had lived in Brunei for the previous 10 years, weren’t ready to go back to UK, felt we had a bit more living to do first, so came initially for a few years to enjoy living in yet another country and never left. Had loved our previous visits here and felt at home here very soon after we arrived.  Pre covid we went back to UK for 3 months every year, to spend  time with our son and grandsons,  but we know that UK is not for us. Enjoy all the British tv programs, the countryside in escape to the country, but don’t miss it.

I think we are lucky that apart from a Canadian friend, no one else we know really seems to miss and want to return to their homelands. I hadn’t realised how sad some people are.

[Toots]

15 minutes ago, ramot said:

Toots I am very similar to you, apart from marrying an Australian. We have lived in several countries, came to live here when we retired. We had lived in Brunei for the previous 10 years, weren’t ready to go back to UK, felt we had a bit more living to do first, so came initially for a few years to enjoy living in yet another country and never left. Had loved our previous visits here and felt at home here very soon after we arrived.  Pre covid we went back to UK for 3 months every year, to spend  time with our son and grandsons,  but we know that UK is not for us. Enjoy all the British tv programs, the countryside in escape to the country, but don’t miss it.

I think we are lucky that apart from a Canadian friend, no one else we know really seems to miss and want to return to their homelands. I hadn’t realised how sad some people are.

Over the years I have known people who moved back to the UK - mainly because they wanted their children to grow up close to relatives but I had never come across anyone who was "stuck" here.  My husband's Mum truly disliked living in Australia and yearned to return to the UK.  His Dad loved it.  He died when he was only 42 and a few months after that my mil sold their house, packed up everything and returned to the UK with her 2 children.  She lived very happily back in the UK.  My husband always missed Australia though he also has a great fondness for the UK.  His sister never wanted to return to Australia but has been back on holiday.

[Wanderer Returns]

On 26/03/2021 at 16:41, newjez said:

It's possible you are suffering from PTS after everything you have been through.

 

On 27/03/2021 at 09:43, newjez said:

Ditto.

 

On 27/03/2021 at 13:23, newjez said:

I think you may be confusing PTS with PTSD.

You assume rather a lot.

It's a dangerous precedent to make suggestions about what someone may/may not be suffering, when clearly they are already under stress. I called you out on it - don't take it personally  

 

Edited March 30, 2021 by Wanderer Returns

[newjez]

7 hours ago, Wanderer Returns said:

 

 

You assume rather a lot.

It's a dangerous precedent to make suggestions about what someone may/may not be suffering, when clearly they are already under stress. I called you out on it - don't take it personally  

 

No idea what you are talking about mate.

We went through exactly the same situation, hence my advice. I'm speaking from personal experience.

Suggesting someone talk with their GP can never be bad advice.

[Wanderer Returns]

12 hours ago, newjez said:

No idea what you are talking about mate.

You suggested she was suffering with PTS - or have you forgotten already?

Maybe she's not the only one!  

[newjez]

3 hours ago, Wanderer Returns said:

You suggested she was suffering with PTS - or have you forgotten already?

Maybe she's not the only one!  

As I said, I think you are confusing PTS with PTSD. There's a lot of difference.

Migration can be one of the most stressful events we undertake. Especially migration with a one year old. Especially migration with family issues. Especially during covid.

We did this twenty years ago. Without the covid.

My wife suffered from anxiety and depression as a result. She refused to get any help, and we ended up returning to the UK within the year. That was a decision she has always regretted.

We don't always appreciate the stress we are under, and we often trivialise it. But it often manifests itself regardless.

Obviously I am not talking about PTSD which people get after a war etc, but PTS is a very real thing.

I saw parallels with my own situation and advised as such. I don't really understand why you are behaving like this.

 

 

Edited March 31, 2021 by newjez

[JJNot]

Thank you for all your replies and concerns. I have been to speak to a GP and I am getting counselling. It’s just not what I expected - we came to Oz for a happier, healthier life but if anything I’ve never been more unhappy. I’m sure there is an element of PTSD although I feel it would be unfair to say this as when I think of PTSD, I think of war heroes, not silly whingers like me. Moving during covid with 2 small children was incredibly tough. As I was the main driver in it all, I do carry a lot of guilt for the heart of my family in the UK who miss my girls so much. And not having the family support here with my Dad and his partner that we thought we would, is like a double blow. I guess my question is, how long do I wait before I think about moving back? I wouldn’t consider it for at least another year given the state of UK with covid etc. But how long should I allow myself to feel this way? And has anyone gone back to UK and was actually really happy??

[Bulya]

18 minutes ago, JJNot said:

Thank you for all your replies and concerns. I have been to speak to a GP and I am getting counselling. It’s just not what I expected - we came to Oz for a happier, healthier life but if anything I’ve never been more unhappy. I’m sure there is an element of PTSD although I feel it would be unfair to say this as when I think of PTSD, I think of war heroes, not silly whingers like me. Moving during covid with 2 small children was incredibly tough. As I was the main driver in it all, I do carry a lot of guilt for the heart of my family in the UK who miss my girls so much. And not having the family support here with my Dad and his partner that we thought we would, is like a double blow. I guess my question is, how long do I wait before I think about moving back? I wouldn’t consider it for at least another year given the state of UK with covid etc. But how long should I allow myself to feel this way? And has anyone gone back to UK and was actually really happy??

It takes a minimum of 3 years to settle, if not 5.  And so many chose the wrong location, and then for reasons I’ve never understood, refuse to move...

[FirstWorldProblems]

50 minutes ago, JJNot said:

Thank you for all your replies and concerns. I have been to speak to a GP and I am getting counselling. It’s just not what I expected - we came to Oz for a happier, healthier life but if anything I’ve never been more unhappy. I’m sure there is an element of PTSD although I feel it would be unfair to say this as when I think of PTSD, I think of war heroes, not silly whingers like me. Moving during covid with 2 small children was incredibly tough. As I was the main driver in it all, I do carry a lot of guilt for the heart of my family in the UK who miss my girls so much. And not having the family support here with my Dad and his partner that we thought we would, is like a double blow. I guess my question is, how long do I wait before I think about moving back? I wouldn’t consider it for at least another year given the state of UK with covid etc. But how long should I allow myself to feel this way? And has anyone gone back to UK and was actually really happy??

I think you are very brave. It’s not always easy to ask for help but it’s surely the right thing to do. 
 

I’m not sure anyone can answer your question “how long do I wait” because everyone’s circumstances are different and each individual is different. My suggestion would be to set yourself a date at which you will make a decision and commit fully to making a really good go of it between now and then.  Having a date will help - it always helps difficult situations to have a light at the end of the tunnel.  Committing fully to making it work will help even if it doesn’t pan out, as you will be able to look yourself in the mirror and honestly say you tried your best.  

You are clearly a very self aware person, which is a big advantage in these circumstances. 
 

fingers crossed for you.  I hope it all works out one way or another.