Very Difficult Decision

[Steveozz1]

Hi everyone

Having read some honest and very touching posts here recently re the dilemma people face when deciding whether to "go back or stay", I thought I'd add in my own experiences of this.

My partner and I moved to Australia about 10 years ago. He was the main driving force but I wanted to give it a go too. I think the weather was one of the main things...and we were both in our late 30s at the time so it might have been early onset midlife crisis!!

Anyway we moved to Canberra then after 9 months to Adelaide. We both have good jobs we have a house with a pool, chickens and a dog. We live in a beachside suburb and are 10 mins from the beach.  We don't have kids.

However, over the past few years I have been becoming increasingly homesick for family and for Scotland. My parents are in their 70s and I'd like to spend time with them before it's too late. I miss the TV, I really miss snow, I miss trees that turn in the autumn, I miss clear flowing rivers...I could go on! I have never thought of Australia as my "home"...I am from Perthshire in Scotland and one of the main differences I find with a lot of Brits who moved here is that they have come to "escape" the big cities or the hustle and bustle. We didnt. Also I quite like the rain! Like others who have posted recently, the dry dusty hot Adelaide summers are lost on me and I miss the lush green countryside of the UK. Snakes are also a problem here as we are keen dog walkers and there are places you just can't go in summer safely with a dog. Also, and this is weird, but for all the fact that it is vast, we are really restricted with places we can take our dog off leash in Australia...there is nothing like the right to roam here and the so called "dog parks" are really just prison yards. I am not bagging Australia or Adelaide at all...both are wonderful in their own way...but they are not my home.

Of course my partner loves it here and we are heading towards an impossible situation..if we stay I will be unhappy and if we go he will. We may end up having to split after 23 years. I'm not sure how this will end up yet but wanted to share my situation and say thank you to others who have posted similar stories...they have really helped me to know I'm not the only one  

 

 

[Toots]

Perthshire is a lovely area of Scotland.    Sorry you are so homesick and hope things work our for you.  Have you and your partner been back recently to Scotland?  He might change his mind and be happier to move when he sees the beauty of the place and how happy you are there.  I understand the pull to be closer to your parents too.

 

[Quoll]

I agree with Toots, he may suggest that he will be unhappy back in UK now but he may love it - my DH once threw at me in a discussion that if he had to live in UK then he would be depressed (whilst acknowledging my depression) - he's since apologised profusely because when we found ourselves back there he had a ball and if we could have justified it financially we might have stayed (pensioners, left it too late).  One of the things he most appreciated was that he got his wife back, no longer the overweight, depressed woman I had become.

However, I will say, that at the end of the day you cant cuddle a country and you might need to resign yourself to the least worst option - there without him or here with him.  For me, that was  a no brainer.  Compromise is key to being able to cope with that least worse decision though - for us it was we kept working so I could get my sanity hits and we didnt go and live miles away from anywhere being self sufficient on 40 acres - no way was I ever going to compromise on broadband or a proper flush loo!

Edited March 10, 2021 by Quoll

[Athena]

Hi there,

I absolutely feel your pain. I have been here for 8 years and have been pining to back for most of that time, getting stronger every year.

After years of trying to convince my partner of the positives of moving, and explaining my pain in staying. He finally said ok, let's give the move a go. It came as a huge surprise.

Now that we are starting to plan for our move, (perhaps late this year or next). There is a part of me which is seeing the beauty of Australia. Leaving our comfortable lives here to start again is daunting, so much more than it was when I was just dreaming of returning. Suddenly both options sound good.

My point in sharing this is, don't give up on your partner coming round, find the positives, do the holiday back when you can. I found something he loves that he can take advantage of there (In our case a change of career for husband).

Everyone's circumstances are different, but don't feel bad about the sacrifice he would make moving back, you have made a big sacrifice too.

[MacGyver]

Just as a counterbalance to the above posts, a long holiday (when covid passes) might be a good first step. It may confirm that its where you want to be, but equally, a holiday can bring a touch of reality to the dream and you might realise you are happy to leave again.

I often read of people leaving the UK or Aus, and then pining for the place they left. Sometimes I think it's a bit like an ex-partner, over time you forget the negatives and only remember the good bits in a nostalgic way. 

Good luck with whatever you decide

[s713]

@Steveozz1 your situation is a lot like ours was. We moved in our late 30s, the wife & I, no kids. We stayed 11 years, moved back to the UK 2 years ago. Neither of us had strong inclinations to move to Australia, to move anywhere really; we liked our UK life. But the wife's family had been moving to Perth bit-by-bit and, eventually, she was the only one left. She started to get down about it so we agreed to move.

A lot resonates about your post. For the first 2 or 3 years, I kept sending messages to friends and family about how hot it was, and how great that fact was - "Look, it's 39 degrees today!!". That died a death when the novelty wore off and I grew to hate summers, it certainly became my least favourite season there. People in the UK equate weather like that to their holidays but, when it's incessant and you're trying to live a normal life in it, it's nothing like a holiday, quite the opposite IMO. We lived 10 mins from the beach, which we visited quite often with the dogs. We had a nice garden and pool at home. The pool saw use for about 2 years then after that it just became a maintenance burden. We found a lot of the activities to do and places to visit became very 'samey' very quickly. They are nice and so on but, they do work off a theme that has a shelf-life. At least for me anyway. We also found it very restrictive as to what we could do with the dogs. Our social life became really stale, Perth doesn't have a great 'scene' and what places there are are bars really rather than pubs.

I wanted to move back after about 4 years or so. The wife didn't so I stuck it out hoping that one day she'd land on the same page. She did eventually but not before I had started to think to myself that I might have to broach the issue a bit more, she knew I wasn't completely happy, she didn't know how seriously unhappy I was.

So, we moved back to the UK and yeah, it's not perfect. But it's much better for us. Our social life is great again, well it was pre-Covid and will be again post-Covid, the amount of places to visit and weekend away is unbelievable, we were in the habit of a weekend away every other month, we'll get back to that soon. The dogs can come practically anywhere with us, obvious places aside. The weather suits us, it's absolutely not an issue in our lives, at all. So, there is no doubt you could make it work. A couple of people aside, I have to say I can't think of anything that I miss. That sounds bad, a bit of an indictment but it isn't meant to be. Perth is a nice place, great for young kids. But it wasn't right for us.

There are better qualified people on here to advise you how to broach this with your husband. Small steps might be the solution I guess, holidays etc. when you can. Good luck.

Edited March 11, 2021 by s713

[blondie]

We were in the same situation and returned to the UK 6 years ago, almost to the day actually.  I came back every year for a uk holiday during the 7 years there, each time it was harder to get back on the plane.  Have you thought about taking some long term leave and returning for longer, enough for the initial glow to wear off a bit and then seeing how you feel ?  Or if returning is a real no go and you want to stay together maybe think about moving to Tasmania, greener and cooler ?

[Toots]

2 minutes ago, blondie said:

We were in the same situation and returned to the UK 6 years ago, almost to the day actually.  I came back every year for a uk holiday during the 7 years there, each time it was harder to get back on the plane.  Have you thought about taking some long term leave and returning for longer, enough for the initial glow to wear off a bit and then seeing how you feel ?  Or if returning is a real no go and you want to stay together maybe think about moving to Tasmania, greener and cooler ?

We're in Tasmania and it is greener and cooler with four distinct seasons.  It's just starting to feel autumnal now.  Biggest problem is employment or lack thereof also some people may think it is too isolated being nearly 280 miles from the mainland.  I've met lots of people originally from the UK who moved from the mainland.  They wouldn't live anywhere else now   -   mind you most of them are retired.

[Steveozz1]

1 hour ago, s713 said:

@Steveozz1 your situation is a lot like ours was. We moved in our late 30s, the wife & I, no kids. We stayed 11 years, moved back to the UK 2 years ago. Neither of us had strong inclinations to move to Australia, to move anywhere really; we liked our UK life. But the wife's family had been moving to Perth bit-by-bit and, eventually, she was the only one left. She started to get down about it so we agreed to move.

A lot resonates about your post. For the first 2 or 3 years, I kept sending messages to friends and family about how hot it was, and how great that fact was - "Look, it's 39 degrees today!!". That died a death when the novelty wore off and I grew to hate summers, it certainly became my least favourite season there. People in the UK equate weather like that to their holidays but, when it's incessant and you're trying to live a normal life in it, it's nothing like a holiday, quite the opposite IMO. We lived 10 mins from the beach, which we visited quite often with the dogs. We had a nice garden and pool at home. The pool saw use for about 2 years then after that it just became a maintenance burden. We found a lot of the activities to do and places to visit became very 'samey' very quickly. They are nice and so on but, they do work off a theme that has a shelf-life. At least for me anyway. We also found it very restrictive as to what we could do with the dogs. Our social life became really stale, Perth doesn't have a great 'scene' and what places there are are bars really rather than pubs.

I wanted to move back after about 4 years or so. The wife didn't so I stuck it out hoping that one day she'd land on the same page. She did eventually but not before I had started to think to myself that I might have to broach the issue a bit more, she knew I wasn't completely happy, she didn't know how seriously unhappy I was.

So, we moved back to the UK and yeah, it's not perfect. But it's much better for us. Our social life is great again, well it was pre-Covid and will be again post-Covid, the amount of places to visit and weekend away is unbelievable, we were in the habit of a weekend away every other month, we'll get back to that soon. The dogs can come practically anywhere with us, obvious places aside. The weather suits us, it's absolutely not an issue in our lives, at all. So, there is no doubt you could make it work. A couple of people aside, I have to say I can't think of anything that I miss. That sounds bad, a bit of an indictment but it isn't meant to be. Perth is a nice place, great for young kids. But it wasn't right for us.

There are better qualified people on here to advise you how to broach this with your husband. Small steps might be the solution I guess, holidays etc. when you can. Good luck.

Thank you for your post..it makes me feel I'm not the only one!

[Steveozz1]

7 minutes ago, Toots said:

We're in Tasmania and it is greener and cooler with four distinct seasons.  It's just starting to feel autumnal now.  Biggest problem is employment or lack thereof also some people may think it is too isolated being nearly 280 miles from the mainland.  I've met lots of people originally from the UK who moved from the mainland.  They wouldn't live anywhere else now   -   mind you most of them are retired.

Thanks for this but I think the problem is place and family....and Tassie while beautiful is even further away...

Edited March 11, 2021 by Steveozz1

[Toots]

3 minutes ago, Steveozz1 said:

Thanks for this but I think the problem is place and family....and Tassie while beautiful is even further away...

That's what I like most about it.  

[tea4too]

14 hours ago, Steveozz1 said:

......Of course my partner loves it here and we are heading towards an impossible situation..if we stay I will be unhappy and if we go he will. We may end up having to split after 23 years. I'm not sure how this will end up yet but wanted to share my situation and say thank you to others who have posted similar stories...they have really helped me to know I'm not the only one  

 

 

If the thought of a return to his old life is at the heart of your partner's reluctance to move, perhaps together you could shift the focus? It's not always necessary to return to the place or even the area you left, and establishing a new life somewhere else in the UK could be a new and possibly exciting chapter for you both. Lifestyle and job opportunities differ depending where you relocate to, as does the weather and house prices amongst other things. There are choices when it comes to settling in a village, a town or a city, on the coast or the countryside. However if it's really important for you to to be close to family and friends,  draw a ten or twenty mile circle around the location and start researching what your options and opportunities might be within a visiting radius. 

Neither of you may end up with everything you want or need, but life is too short for one of you to give up on happiness in order to make the other happy. Hopefully you can find a compromise that works for you both. T x    

 

[Marisawright]

18 hours ago, tea4too said:

 if it's really important for you to to be close to family and friends,  draw a ten or twenty mile circle around the location and start researching what your options and opportunities might be within a visiting radius. 

 

On the other hand, be prepared to be flexible if there's somewhere your partner would rather be.    If he's going to give up his "perfect" life in Australia to return to the UK, then you need to meet him halfway - and if that means being a few hours' drive from your famiiy and friends, so be it.  At least you'll be in the same country, which is massively better than being half a world away.