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Fergie

Thinking of moving back to Uk

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16 minutes ago, Quoll said:

You get used to not having your kids around. These days it is a whole lot easier than it was back 40 years ago, even.  At the moment I am helping with my grandson's homeschooling in London!  My parents were lucky if they got a letter every 6 months!  I dont think you have much to lose except some money really.  If it works, you win and if it doesnt work then you can return, it's one of the bonuses of being dual citizens.  It's really weird that everyone cheers if a young couple decide they want to move to Australia and take the kids away from their grandparents but if olds choose to move away then they're the villains - a real double standard.  I say the need to be where you want to be works both ways.

We moved away as parents, but I genuinely don’t think our kids thought we were villains, I think they thought it’s your time to do what you want to do. We certainly thought it was our time, and you never know your children might follow you as 2 out of our 3 did. 

We thought if we don’t like it we can go back to England, better to have given something a try than always regret not  taking the chance, but you must consider the cost involved both financially and emotionally.

Edited by ramot
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I agree quoll, the stories I’ve heard over the years of parents either moving to be near adult kids or staying to be near and fast forward a few years they’ve moved away because of work etc.  we will go back, just a question of when.  My kids are ok with it, it’s just me feeling guilty, I have to get a grip lol

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46 minutes ago, ramot said:

We moved away as parents, but I genuinely don’t think our kids thought we were villains, I think they thought it’s your time to do what you want to do. We certainly thought it was our time, and you never know your children might follow you as 2 out of our 3 did. 

We thought if we don’t like it we can go back to England, better to have given something a try than always regret not  taking the chance, but you must consider the cost involved both financially and emotionally.

Hi ramot 

that’s very true,  financially we’d take a hit if we ping ponged back and the Uk didn’t work out. I’ll be surprised if that would be the case, but you don’t know till you try, but at least then you can hopefully put it behind you and move on.  I talk to a lot of people( I work in medical) and I’m amazed at how many Brits are unsettled to some degree here, if we chat about Uk,  and the question comes up “would you consider going back” not many say never! It’s money, kids, to old etc and that’s quite sad really I think. 

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26 minutes ago, Fergie said:

Hi ramot 

that’s very true,  financially we’d take a hit if we ping ponged back and the Uk didn’t work out. I’ll be surprised if that would be the case, but you don’t know till you try, but at least then you can hopefully put it behind you and move on.  I talk to a lot of people( I work in medical) and I’m amazed at how many Brits are unsettled to some degree here, if we chat about Uk,  and the question comes up “would you consider going back” not many say never! It’s money, kids, to old etc and that’s quite sad really I think. 

Many of my friends are long term expats like myself and with one exception (she came from Manchester, perhaps that has something to do with it) all are beyond the point of no return and they were universally envious that I had my 8 years there.  Most of them go home for a sanity hit - some can afford it every year, others every couple of years.  One has just dispatched her dementia driven husband to a care home - I wouldnt be in the least bit surprised that once he has gone, she will go back to UK.  She's 74 and is cleaning house at the moment with a view to selling it next year and moving on (somewhere!!!!!)

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22 minutes ago, Fergie said:

Hi ramot 

that’s very true,  financially we’d take a hit if we ping ponged back and the Uk didn’t work out. I’ll be surprised if that would be the case, but you don’t know till you try, but at least then you can hopefully put it behind you and move on.  I talk to a lot of people( I work in medical) and I’m amazed at how many Brits are unsettled to some degree here, if we chat about Uk,  and the question comes up “would you consider going back” not many say never! It’s money, kids, to old etc and that’s quite sad really I think. 

Well, it does not have to be too much of a financial hit. Rent your home out here or maybe even AirBnb it, and the income will part or wholly finance your time in the UK. Get a job in the UK too. I did not know when I left Sydney that I'd be so long away in Surfers but I could probably have rented my Sydney flat out for $500 or so.

I went back for 12 years and  one of my brothers moved to the USA after 15 years here and spent 15 years there, but my other brother has been in OZ almost continuously since May, 1979. He came back for our Mum's funeral in October, 1997, and for a second holiday to see my Dad in November, 2004. I must ask him if he would REALLY like to go back there? Most of the Brits/Irish i know like it here in OZ and many of the WHV ones are taking Student visas to extend their time here.

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1 hour ago, ramot said:

We moved away as parents, but I genuinely don’t think our kids thought we were villains, I think they thought it’s your time to do what you want to do. We certainly thought it was our time, and you never know your children might follow you as 2 out of our 3 did. 

We thought if we don’t like it we can go back to England, better to have given something a try than always regret not  taking the chance, but you must consider the cost involved both financially and emotionally.

I certainly only had emotional blackmail once for my moves and that was from my daughter in law who couldnt see that we needed to be in UK to care for my parents.  She couldnt even understand that I had obligations to our other son at the time that they were expecting their second daughter - so I was in UK when DGD2 was born - I dont think DGD2 knew or cared that I wasnt back until she was about 6 weeks old.  She played the emotional blackmail card often - no one else in my family ever did though.  I was talking in more generalities - we've seen it on here where parents want to return but kids dont and exert some pressure on them to stay.

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9 minutes ago, Quoll said:

I certainly only had emotional blackmail once for my moves and that was from my daughter in law who couldnt see that we needed to be in UK to care for my parents.  She couldnt even understand that I had obligations to our other son at the time that they were expecting their second daughter - so I was in UK when DGD2 was born - I dont think DGD2 knew or cared that I wasnt back until she was about 6 weeks old.  She played the emotional blackmail card often - no one else in my family ever did though.  I was talking in more generalities - we've seen it on here where parents want to return but kids dont and exert some pressure on them to stay.

Thank goodness my Mum never once gave me the emotional blackmail thing.  That would really have made things difficult for me.  I never even thought about trying it with our sons.  I was really pleased they both wanted to spread their wings and go overseas.

Quoll you say one of your granddaughters likes all things English.  Maybe one day she may decide to try living there.  Wonder how her Mum would cope.  🤨

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54 minutes ago, Toots said:

Thank goodness my Mum never once gave me the emotional blackmail thing.  That would really have made things difficult for me.  I never even thought about trying it with our sons.  I was really pleased they both wanted to spread their wings and go overseas.

Quoll you say one of your granddaughters likes all things English.  Maybe one day she may decide to try living there.  Wonder how her Mum would cope.  🤨

Perhaps I’m lucky that my UK DIL has hardly ever bothered to communicate with me or everyone else from day 1, she has never lived more than a few miles from her family home, and our family life has been the polar opposite. Never had the courage to say what we think, should never come between son & wife!!! We do occasionally see her feet passing in the hall when we FaceTime our son & grandsons. Luckily we have another lovely DIL and SiL.

Like Quoll I wonder if either of the grandsons will fly the nest when older, hope so there’s a world out there! 
 

Meant to reply to Quoll.

Edited by ramot
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4 hours ago, Toots said:

Thank goodness my Mum never once gave me the emotional blackmail thing.  That would really have made things difficult for me.  I never even thought about trying it with our sons.  I was really pleased they both wanted to spread their wings and go overseas.

Quoll you say one of your granddaughters likes all things English.  Maybe one day she may decide to try living there.  Wonder how her Mum would cope.  🤨

LOL mum doesnt cope with her spending 4 days with her dad without contact (often in person although that does need to stop).  I think if she moved away from our side of the lake in Canberra there would be hell to pay but actually, I doubt the DGD has the guts to do it - her mother's anxieties are well entrenched, poor girl.

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On 10/02/2021 at 14:27, Fergie said:

 

@Fergie @Quoll @Chortlepuss Your posts really resonate with me. 15 years post migration and I still log on to this forum!! - What does that say?! I know my home sickness will never go away and it’s always bubbling under the surface. There are times when I think it’s the most ludicrous thing that I’m doing - to be living on the other side of the world when I love my birth family, love England etc. Agreed to migrating here many years ago. Husband will never go back. Husband views UK very scathingly.  ( Yet I’m scathing about so many aspects of here) Children - late teens - here is home. Youngest takes pride in being Australian. I feel envious of people who have stayed in one place all their life, have family around and no desire to go elsewhere. 

For years I’d talk about ‘ if we go back’ Now I’ve almost come to the resolution that we won’t - which, even though it’s a sad resignation, does help a bit. If our children moved to the northern hemisphere maybe it would be a different story. 

Quoll - absolutely agree about exogenous depression yet I think that as I’ve got older I’ve become more ‘ glass half full’ and it doesn’t help the situation. 

I don’t know any of you other than reading your posts but genuinely feel for you as it’s the most horrible way of living. I’m sure there’s some who think it’s just a self indulgent pity party and we’ve ‘got it good’ yet I’ve always seen it as ‘self imposed exile’ 

This forum helps me - helps to know that I’m not just a miserable old shite that needs to be thankful etc

Fergie - I really wish you all the best. It’s a real turmoil and in no way easy. Sounds cliche and trite but pay attention to looking after you - in whatever way works. 

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4 hours ago, proud preston said:

‘glass half full’

I meant ‘glass half empty’!! I wish I was ‘glass half full’ The Pollyanna of my 20’s is long gone ! 

 

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Hi proud preston

i agree you do need to look after yourself, but when children are in the mix it’s excruciatingly painful and difficult.  It would of been a no brainer if I didn’t have kids. I’d of gone back years ago. Have you been back on holiday? Does your hubby know the extent of your feeling? I was thinking yesterday, we all deserve to live our best life. At my lowest point I used to envy people who were happy and people who were settled and optimistic about doing jobs on their homes, just happy, as I felt so sad inside. So I know exactly what you mean about being envious of people who have stayed in the same village all their lives, I’ve thought the same myself. As the kids get older maybe your options will broaden to, we all deserve to live the life we want and be happy 
 

 

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1 hour ago, Fergie said:

Hi proud preston

i agree you do need to look after yourself, but when children are in the mix it’s excruciatingly painful and difficult.  It would of been a no brainer if I didn’t have kids. I’d of gone back years ago. Have you been back on holiday? Does your hubby know the extent of your feeling? I was thinking yesterday, we all deserve to live our best life. At my lowest point I used to envy people who were happy and people who were settled and optimistic about doing jobs on their homes, just happy, as I felt so sad inside. So I know exactly what you mean about being envious of people who have stayed in the same village all their lives, I’ve thought the same myself. As the kids get older maybe your options will broaden to, we all deserve to live the life we want and be happy 
 

 

We do all, indeed deserve the best but sometimes we just have to go along with the "least worst" option and, honestly, in the scheme of things it could be a whole lot worse!  For me, reframing into "this is my choice because the alternative isnt tenable" goes some way to making me feel more in charge.  I wont say that I am happy inside because I am not but there is a certain level of contentment and I now talk to my DH about it and he is very understanding which he was not before.

Having been in the situation where many of you now are - intransigent husband NEVER going to set foot in UK ever again, not even for a holiday if he can help it (yup, that was my DH, couldnt bear to leave his tomatoes for more than 4 weeks if he could possibly avoid it!) - you never know what fate will bring you and you could be as fortunate as I have been to have over 8 years back in UK (very happily) because my DH was gobsmacked that my parents needed so much support and I wasnt there for them.  He was bloody brilliant for a chap who never wanted to return to UK ever again and now we have done it, he saw the difference it made to me and even though we are back in Australia he is more than happy to go back to UK for holidays when we are no longer Covid constrained.  Sometimes you just have to play the hand you are dealt and hope that it turns out full of trumps LOL.  My DH now realises he penalised himself by missing some of our eldest son's proud achievements and I really think he regrets that so he isnt going to let it happen again.  

I think a lot of us are of the mind that if we knew then what we know now we would never have agreed in the first place!!!  Mind you, I dont think I would have wanted to be like my uncle for example - lived in the village he was born in until he was 87 and had to move into a care home in a "foreign" village 5 miles away - but he will tell you he's had a great life and is the epitome of "happy chappy" bless him.  I've always had itchy feet but Australia doesnt scratch that particular itch any more.

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What lovely replies. I’m just recovering from surgery - that I probably didn’t really need (menopausal stuff!!) and reading your comments @Fergie and @Quoll is helpful!! (I’ve found having bloomin surgery can be a bit of a wake up call /line in the sand for what I want to focus on in life!) 

Fergie - without a shadow of a doubt - if we were just a couple I would have gone back years ago but..... throw children in the mix and it’s not that easy - despite what people say. Everything we do is with them in mind.    We’ve been back nearly every 18 months ( hence why the mortgage is still bloody big) My last visit back was 2019/2020 when my gorgeous mum was in hospital (dementia) and then passed - - another story and heartbreaking but....I still experienced this “ inner peace” crap when back in my home county-able to drop my shoulders, exhale and be warmed by familiar Lancashire accents. Lovely soft winter light, familiar bird song and trees I knew the name of. It is  just a sense of being “at home”.  Amongst all the heartache with my beautiful mum - it still felt like home . Hubby knows how I feel yet even I get sick of hearing myself whinge and I’m trying to subdue this niggle. Who wants to listen to me constantly whinging?! (Poms in Oz is a great option to vent) Every time we’ve gone back I have loved it and cherish the memories of my boys spending time with their cousins, nanny,  aunties and uncles- baking, playing in fields, canoeing - just being with the ones who will love them whatever...

Quoll - good to hear your husband is supportive and is agreeable to visiting the UK again! Yes, my husband is happy to go back to visit but never live. And.... true we could be in such a worse position. As mentioned - my recent op has been a bit of a wake up call - doesn’t make it easier about here or there but bloody hell - I’m determined to try and live each day ( hackneyed) and find joy ‘cos at 52 life is whizzing by........

I’m trying my hardest to put things in perspective and have a bit of gratitude for all that I do have - but it really is a work in progress as times. There’s occasions I just want to weep; albeit not often. 

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The Welsh have a word for what I sense many posters in this, and other threads in Moving Back to the UK, experience  - Hiraeth. 

Hiraeth is almost poetical, much wider and deeper than missing somewhere, or nostalgia for another place. It's in and of the mountains, rocks and valleys, carries on the wind and the language, part of the culture and memory of generations gone and still to come. It's sometimes described as a deep and irrational bond with a time or era that touches the soul. It's what I think of when I read how much someone struggles with being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Big hugs for anyone who might need one just now. T x

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17 hours ago, proud preston said:

 

 

Quote

Fergie - without a shadow of a doubt - if we were just a couple I would have gone back years ago but..... throw children in the mix and it’s not that easy - despite what people say. Everything we do is with them in mind.    We’ve been back nearly every 18 months ( hence why the mortgage is still bloody big) My last visit back was 2019/2020 when my gorgeous mum was in hospital (dementia) and then passed - - another story and heartbreaking but....I still experienced this “ inner peace” crap when back in my home county-able to drop my shoulders, exhale and be warmed by familiar Lancashire accents. Lovely soft winter light, familiar bird song and trees I knew the name of. It is  just a sense of being “at home”.  Amongst all the heartache with my beautiful mum - it still felt like home . Hubby knows how I feel yet even I get sick of hearing myself whinge and I’m trying to subdue this niggle. Who wants to listen to me constantly whinging?! (Poms in Oz is a great option to vent) Every time we’ve gone back I have loved it and cherish the memories of my boys spending time with their cousins, nanny,  aunties and uncles- baking, playing in fields, canoeing - just being with the ones who will love them whatever...

 

The Inner peace crap is powerful, was due to move back last July but COvid put the brakes on, it would have been financial suicide and still is with work and starting again. We are still biding our time, weighing up options. Have more options here right now, it's just relocating from Cairns down south or stay put and move back to UK as originally planned.

The draw is to UK despite the head stating stay in oz and move to QLD/NSW border.

I'm almost obsessed with thoughts of the colder weather, feeling mud on my boots again, proper fishing, cheap food stalls, family being nearby, and even the prospects of crappy rainy days v crappy hot and humid days. If I could guarantee flights and moving my dog and best mate back easily I would. Until then it's tic tock and be patient.

 

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Hi Gary H

dont know how you manage in Cairns, it’s hot enough down here on the Gold Coast. 
if you are thinking of relocating to south qld, and Uk not an option, look at mount tamborine on the Gold Coast hinterland, it’s beautiful, 5-7 degrees cooler than Brisbane always, has a sort of winter (certainly for qld standards) , great coffee shops, community etc, might be an option if Uk unattainable at the moment. Think there are quite a few people biding their time till they can get back because of covid. Good luck in whatever you decide to do 

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On 22/02/2021 at 18:39, proud preston said:

What lovely replies. I’m just recovering from surgery - that I probably didn’t really need (menopausal stuff!!) and reading your comments @Fergie and @Quoll is helpful!! (I’ve found having bloomin surgery can be a bit of a wake up call /line in the sand for what I want to focus on in life!) 

Fergie - without a shadow of a doubt - if we were just a couple I would have gone back years ago but..... throw children in the mix and it’s not that easy - despite what people say. Everything we do is with them in mind.    We’ve been back nearly every 18 months ( hence why the mortgage is still bloody big) My last visit back was 2019/2020 when my gorgeous mum was in hospital (dementia) and then passed - - another story and heartbreaking but....I still experienced this “ inner peace” crap when back in my home county-able to drop my shoulders, exhale and be warmed by familiar Lancashire accents. Lovely soft winter light, familiar bird song and trees I knew the name of. It is  just a sense of being “at home”.  Amongst all the heartache with my beautiful mum - it still felt like home . Hubby knows how I feel yet even I get sick of hearing myself whinge and I’m trying to subdue this niggle. Who wants to listen to me constantly whinging?! (Poms in Oz is a great option to vent) Every time we’ve gone back I have loved it and cherish the memories of my boys spending time with their cousins, nanny,  aunties and uncles- baking, playing in fields, canoeing - just being with the ones who will love them whatever...

Quoll - good to hear your husband is supportive and is agreeable to visiting the UK again! Yes, my husband is happy to go back to visit but never live. And.... true we could be in such a worse position. As mentioned - my recent op has been a bit of a wake up call - doesn’t make it easier about here or there but bloody hell - I’m determined to try and live each day ( hackneyed) and find joy ‘cos at 52 life is whizzing by........

I’m trying my hardest to put things in perspective and have a bit of gratitude for all that I do have - but it really is a work in progress as times. There’s occasions I just want to weep; albeit not often. 

I could have written this - my mum passed away in 2019 and I was so pleased I got to spend time with her. I miss the town I grew up in desperately - but with mum going I have no ‘reason’ to return and the place wouldn’t make sense without her. I’ve started the process of moving financial interests to Australia and at some stage will need to sell our house there and move the money back here - I used to kid myself that we could keep that house as a bolt hole but the World has changed and it’s so hard to run things financially across two countries. It all seems so counter-intuitive - if I was on my own, I’d be on the first plane home - even allowing for Covid! I am going to have to console myself with long trips home when possible to keep me sane - I think so many of us have managed so far by getting our UK ‘fix’ For me it’s like filling up a petrol tank with laughter, friendship, outdoor activity, social interaction and stimulation, conversation - I am a much nicer and more confident person there. So many of us running on empty at the moment. I need to stop fantasising about the life I could have lived and try to make the best of this diminished one.

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I feel for you chortlepuss, it’s awful when your choices seem taken away, in many ways it makes it feel far worse. Since my kids are older and I can see light at the end of the tunnel and I feel less anxious. But you never know what’s waiting in the future, I was talking to a lovely older English  lady end of last year, we got chatting about England as you do( I do anyway lol) and she was moving to Scotland to be closer to her grandkids (they live in America!! Yes America) she was homesick for the Uk and had been for many years, but it was never the right time before, she was in her middle 70’s! She worked in a little chocolate shop near where I live, so I popped in to ask the new owner if she’d heard from her and she’s happy and loves it. Lots of people move back later in life to. 

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@Chortlepuss- My mum lived in her home town for 89 years and our family home for 60 years. The family home - that I loved - is now sold. Losing the family home was another great sadness. So many memories and such a beautiful long garden. Yes - there’s nothing for me in my home town now - especially after not living there for over 30 years -  but there’s still a deep and lasting attachment. I love your description of filling a petrol tank. So apt. I know I’m more suited to the weather in the UK too. I find the ever present bright blue sky and months of heat difficult. My husband - voice of rationality - reckons we’ve a far better life here. Theoretically he is right - house, suburb, wages etc but...... As has been said before - some will migrate and not have this long lasting home sickness yet for others it will always be there. @Fergie - I work with older adults and always remember a Scottish person in their 70’s or 80’s still missing Scotland and wishing they had never come here- they didn’t get back though. It’s heartening to read that you are feeling less anxious and can see light at the end of the tunnel. Yes - i don’t miss an opportunity to talk about England and I’ll always ask the question of a fellow migrant ‘Do you think you’ll ever go back?’ 🤦‍♀️ Suppose it comes back to the fact that I never disliked England, my life, family etc - just got caught up in the wave of my husband’s wish to migrate and the old ‘ we will just stay 2 years’ story seemed plausible at the time. 

Off subject  (in a way) I find comfort in watching UK series - The A Word, Cold Feet, Last Tango in Halifax, After Life, The  Detectorists ....... just gorgeous. 

 

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1 hour ago, proud preston said:

Suppose it comes back to the fact that I never disliked England, my life, family etc - just got caught up in the wave of my husband’s wish to migrate and the old ‘ we will just stay 2 years’ story seemed plausible at the time. 

Every now and then, someone comes on these forums asking questions, and reading between the lines, I get an awful feeling that's exactly the scenario they're in.  Sometimes it's someone posting to say, "I need to persuade my other half it's going to be wonderful, how can I do it?", or someone posts and sounds so unsure, it seems likely they're migrating to fulfil their partner's dream.   It gives me a chill, and then I express reservations, and often get my nose bitten off for "being negative"!   I think Australia has such a mythical status in the UK as a land of sun and sand, how do you tell people to be careful what they wish for?  It's hard.

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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I think it’s hard when one wants to stay and one wants to go, I never really wanted to come to Australia, was not overly interested in even coming here for a  holiday, but hubby wanted to. When the shine faded and I started getting homesick I think hubby thought it’d pass and think he umm’d and arr’d at the right times, but fast forward 13 yrs and I’m still desperate to go back. He’s happy to go back now to, he’s seen me so low, and also we’ve been living in limbo, that’s no life. Even things like buying a new car, home improvements, is it worth getting finance because we may not be here that long, my mind set is awful to in that I won’t buy even little things for the home as I’m uninterested and I think I’ll wait till I get back to Uk, so it’s like everything is on hold. To be honest if my hubby wasn’t prepared to compromise and give Uk a go, I think it would cause issues in our marriage, especially as I’ve given Australia 15 years of my life and 13+ of those have been trying to say the least.  I really don’t want to be one of those old ladies with regret as I get older for not giving it ago. 

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On 22/02/2021 at 23:48, tea4too said:

The Welsh have a word for what I sense many posters in this, and other threads in Moving Back to the UK, experience  - Hiraeth. 

written perfectly tea4too

Hiraeth .......Longing for my home land 😢

 

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