Moving home with older kids

[Wanderer Returns]

54 minutes ago, Paul1Perth said:

Waiting for a taxi after the nightclubs turned out at 2:00am was interesting. Used to be safer walking the 4 miles home.

Oh, you are so not wrong! Chessie is still a bit rough but nothing like it used to be. You knew it was only a matter of time before something would kick off.

I have to say that's one thing in the UK that's improved in recent years. You can go out in this day and age without fearing for your life. CCTV everywhere so 'the long arm' catches up with teh miscreants quickly these days - followed shortly after by the injured party's lawyers!  

[Paul1Perth]

On 21/12/2020 at 07:16, MARYROSE02 said:

How did you know that she would arrive at the same point as you?! Unusual in a way to like it after five years then dislike it after ten years? Or maybe not? I don't know. Are you both "on the same cliche - page!:now?

I've never been in a relationship but i have never felt so strongly about either Australia or England that I would object to moving back if my (imaginary) partner was unhappy. I might baulk at returning to England now when it seems that, with a couple of exceptions, we are doing Covid-19 much better.

On the other hand, although I'm sometimes lonely, the thought of having to do what someone else wants to do, "as a couple" to "maintain appearances scares me frankly!  (Which of course is WHY I am single!?)

Being single and being able to do what you want, when you want is not a bad thing MR.

[s713]

On 20/12/2020 at 23:16, MARYROSE02 said:

How did you know that she would arrive at the same point as you?! Unusual in a way to like it after five years then dislike it after ten years? Or maybe not? I don't know. Are you both "on the same cliche - page!:now?

I didn't. If she'd have wanted to stay there, we'd still be there. She eventually reached the same point that I had, only a few years later. She has lots of family there which obviously impacted her thinking.

Yes, we're all good now, pigs in muck, thanks.

[paulswin]

We moved back to UK in Dec 2018 my sons were 18 and 20 and luckily were ok with moving back.  Both fell into good jobs, one is now working for Nationwide and the other got a signalling apprenticeship.  Please don’t worry your son will get a job/apprenticeship maybe not straight away but he will.  My son was going to go to college to learn plumbing and there were no issues of him going to college as he was born in the Uk didn’t matter that he had been out of the country for over 7 years.  Things will fall into place here x

[FirstWorldProblems]

In my experience, the modern apprenticeship scheme is a great success.  The numbers are falling since the funding changed a couple years ago unfortunately, but many employers still find it worthwhile. 
 

Look for a company that is really embracing it (ask about success rates of employment after the apprenticeship period ends), rather than using it for cheap labour they discard, work hard and he will do well I am sure. 
 

[Lavers]

11 hours ago, FirstWorldProblems said:

In my experience, the modern apprenticeship scheme is a great success.  The numbers are falling since the funding changed a couple years ago unfortunately, but many employers still find it worthwhile. 
 

Look for a company that is really embracing it (ask about success rates of employment after the apprenticeship period ends), rather than using it for cheap labour they discard, work hard and he will do well I am sure. 
 

I think most apprenticeships lead to permanent jobs in the UK.

Did my apprenticeship and stayed 22yrs until moving to Aus this year.

We took on 2 - 3 each year.

Best way to get people and shape them to what you expect from an employee.

[Homesick1]

On 28/12/2020 at 18:53, paulswin said:

We moved back to UK in Dec 2018 my sons were 18 and 20 and luckily were ok with moving back.  Both fell into good jobs, one is now working for Nationwide and the other got a signalling apprenticeship.  Please don’t worry your son will get a job/apprenticeship maybe not straight away but he will.  My son was going to go to college to learn plumbing and there were no issues of him going to college as he was born in the Uk didn’t matter that he had been out of the country for over 7 years.  Things will fall into place here x

Thank you for your reassurance. How long had you guys been in Oz? Did the boys still have mates there or were they starting from scratch? My son has said that he’d rather come back with us if that’s what we’re doing but he’d rather live here in Australia in the long term. So hard to know what to do for the best as the pandemic has made the UK less appealing to my kids (for obvious reasons!) but I’m feeling even more that we need to be closer to family. 
What made you guys decide to leave?  

[Tulip1]

2 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

but I’m feeling even more that we need to be closer to family.

If you move over now you won’t be able to see your family. Most of the UK is in tier 4 lockdown and you aren’t able to go into anyone else’s house. You can’t even sit in their garden. Even walking outside, you can only do that with one other person from outside your household. Who knows how long this will go on for. If any are unwell and end up in hospital you won’t be allowed to go in and visit them. I understand your pull to move back and that desire may beat everything else but I worry when you say that you need to be closer to family as right that’s just geography.  From a seeing your family point of view, it won’t matter if you’re in Australia or in the next village to them, they’ll be no family get togethers.  I think if your family have made the decision it’s happening then that may be enough for you to hang on a little while longer. If you were to return now the reality would be that the four of you would be pretty much stuck in the house. Schools are being delayed returning and online learning from home is happening. They are due to return later this month but this new covid strain is spreading very fast so who knows when they’ll be going back. That is the same for colleges so your kids wouldn’t be starting school/college yet, certainly not in the way you think. They’ll be no family outings, going out for a meal as most things are closed. Only essential shops open so the best you’ll get is a trip to the local supermarket and although not forced, it should ideally only be one family member not the lot of you. You won’t even be able to get a hair cut. If this was for a month or so then you’d just manage but this could go on for ages. No going out, kids not able to make new friends and no seeing family.  Add in the worry about getting Covid. It’s everywhere it seems. I don’t live in the heart of a busy city, I live in a village surrounded by countryside yet even here the local schools over the months have had to close whole years of the school for 10 days because someone’s tested positive. In the last week I’ve heard of a local doctors surgery that’s had to close for 10 days as staff had tested positive. My friend and her son tested positive on Christmas Day and my sons friend has just tested positive. My son works in a supermarket and several staff members have been off isolating, some with positive Covid tests and others because a family member has tested positive. I know of many others that have had it, some offices/stores being closed for a few weeks because of it. If your family have decided you’re definitely moving back the worst thing you want is to be stuck at home for months pulling your hair out and no doubt having the kids keep saying how rubbish it is. If you’re doing it, I’d say hang on a short while. The move won’t be easy for the kids as you’ve said, especially your son. You need to ensure they can start mixing,  making friends, join clubs and get to know the area and what it has to offer. None of that is possible right now and they can’t even pop round to see their cousins, you’ve waited so long, moving right now could be a disaster. 

[Homesick1]

1 hour ago, Tulip1 said:

If you move over now you won’t be able to see your family. Most of the UK is in tier 4 lockdown and you aren’t able to go into anyone else’s house. You can’t even sit in their garden. Even walking outside, you can only do that with one other person from outside your household. Who knows how long this will go on for. If any are unwell and end up in hospital you won’t be allowed to go in and visit them. I understand your pull to move back and that desire may beat everything else but I worry when you say that you need to be closer to family as right that’s just geography.  From a seeing your family point of view, it won’t matter if you’re in Australia or in the next village to them, they’ll be no family get togethers.  I think if your family have made the decision it’s happening then that may be enough for you to hang on a little while longer. If you were to return now the reality would be that the four of you would be pretty much stuck in the house. Schools are being delayed returning and online learning from home is happening. They are due to return later this month but this new covid strain is spreading very fast so who knows when they’ll be going back. That is the same for colleges so your kids wouldn’t be starting school/college yet, certainly not in the way you think. They’ll be no family outings, going out for a meal as most things are closed. Only essential shops open so the best you’ll get is a trip to the local supermarket and although not forced, it should ideally only be one family member not the lot of you. You won’t even be able to get a hair cut. If this was for a month or so then you’d just manage but this could go on for ages. No going out, kids not able to make new friends and no seeing family.  Add in the worry about getting Covid. It’s everywhere it seems. I don’t live in the heart of a busy city, I live in a village surrounded by countryside yet even here the local schools over the months have had to close whole years of the school for 10 days because someone’s tested positive. In the last week I’ve heard of a local doctors surgery that’s had to close for 10 days as staff had tested positive. My friend and her son tested positive on Christmas Day and my sons friend has just tested positive. My son works in a supermarket and several staff members have been off isolating, some with positive Covid tests and others because a family member has tested positive. I know of many others that have had it, some offices/stores being closed for a few weeks because of it. If your family have decided you’re definitely moving back the worst thing you want is to be stuck at home for months pulling your hair out and no doubt having the kids keep saying how rubbish it is. If you’re doing it, I’d say hang on a short while. The move won’t be easy for the kids as you’ve said, especially your son. You need to ensure they can start mixing,  making friends, join clubs and get to know the area and what it has to offer. None of that is possible right now and they can’t even pop round to see their cousins, you’ve waited so long, moving right now could be a disaster. 

I know you are right on so many levels. But covid won’t be around forever and we really are at a crossroads where if we don’t leave now, it will probably be never. I just don’t want to miss the boat by worrying about covid when it sounds as though the vaccine could be rolled out quickly & things are expected to return to some kind of normality by Easter. It really is impossible to predict at this point, but I probably need to focus on what could go right, rather than worrying about something else that might go wrong. 
Thank you for your input - all perspectives really help. 

[paulswin]

4 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Thank you for your reassurance. How long had you guys been in Oz? Did the boys still have mates there or were they starting from scratch? My son has said that he’d rather come back with us if that’s what we’re doing but he’d rather live here in Australia in the long term. So hard to know what to do for the best as the pandemic has made the UK less appealing to my kids (for obvious reasons!) but I’m feeling even more that we need to be closer to family. 
What made you guys decide to leave?  

Hi Homesick1!  We lived in Perth for 7 years  and it was my hubby that wanted to come back.  He never settled, got fed up with the heat and really missed his parents.  Both my parents passed away years ago so it wasn’t as bad for me I liked living in Oz although I missed things about the UK.  My boys have started from scratch regarding mates, they have a couple of old school friends but that’s it.  My youngest has made friends through his apprenticeship now and my oldest through his job at Nationwide. I would wait if you can until after April before you come back as by then what with the injections rolling out we should be back to some normality!  My youngest goes to the gym lots but can’t at the moment so he’s a bit like Australia isn’t like this the UK is stupid!  Other than this pandemic both my boys have settled which I was really worried about, it’s nice to be back with all the family,!  My boys are hoping to travel around Europe this year hopefully!  They visited places in UK, Ireland and Scotland and have loved it!  Tell your son to look at Network Rail apprenticeships they are amazing, my youngest has been doing his with them for a year, they are a brilliant company and have really taken care of him.  Does your son drive?  My sons both passed in Oz and switched their licences to UK ones here,  I was lucky with work I went back back into my old job as a Teaching Assistant and my hubby has been working as an electrician although in Oz he did flooring as found it hard to get work as an electrician in Perth.   Feel free to ask as many questions as you want as I know it’s a worrying time.  I’m glad we moved back as I know if we left it any longer my boys might have found good jobs, girlfriends etc and then they might have decided they didn’t want to move back and I would have been torn!  

[Homesick1]

On 02/01/2021 at 17:04, paulswin said:

Hi Homesick1!  We lived in Perth for 7 years  and it was my hubby that wanted to come back.  He never settled, got fed up with the heat and really missed his parents.  Both my parents passed away years ago so it wasn’t as bad for me I liked living in Oz although I missed things about the UK.  My boys have started from scratch regarding mates, they have a couple of old school friends but that’s it.  My youngest has made friends through his apprenticeship now and my oldest through his job at Nationwide. I would wait if you can until after April before you come back as by then what with the injections rolling out we should be back to some normality!  My youngest goes to the gym lots but can’t at the moment so he’s a bit like Australia isn’t like this the UK is stupid!  Other than this pandemic both my boys have settled which I was really worried about, it’s nice to be back with all the family,!  My boys are hoping to travel around Europe this year hopefully!  They visited places in UK, Ireland and Scotland and have loved it!  Tell your son to look at Network Rail apprenticeships they are amazing, my youngest has been doing his with them for a year, they are a brilliant company and have really taken care of him.  Does your son drive?  My sons both passed in Oz and switched their licences to UK ones here,  I was lucky with work I went back back into my old job as a Teaching Assistant and my hubby has been working as an electrician although in Oz he did flooring as found it hard to get work as an electrician in Perth.   Feel free to ask as many questions as you want as I know it’s a worrying time.  I’m glad we moved back as I know if we left it any longer my boys might have found good jobs, girlfriends etc and then they might have decided they didn’t want to move back and I would have been torn!  

Thank you so much for your response. It’s reassuring to know that your older kids moved back & didn’t resent you for it. My son is very sociable so I know he would struggle with the lockdown over there (especially if he couldn’t get out to meet people!). 
I am biding my time until the covid situation improves but would still like to get back sooner rather than later as I don’t want to disrupt my youngest once she’s settled in high school (she starts in 2 weeks!). Hoping to see some improvement for you all after this lockdown then hopefully the vaccine will start to take care of things from then on. 
Thank you for the recommendation about network rail; I’ll have a look into apprenticeships now in the hopes of enticing him back with us. 
My son is doing an electrical apprenticeship (they seem really hard to come by both here & at home!). We’re from Teesside in the north east so there is a lot of industry in the area but who knows what the job market will look like post Covid. Out of interest, which part of the uk did you return to? Does your hubby know much about the availability of electrical apprenticeships in the UK? I’d love my son to have a job to go to but it seems impossible. 
 

Thanks again for your help. I may take you up on the offer & contact you closer to the time  
 

[Homesick1]

Update: we held on while the uk were in a strict lockdown. By May, my son had quit his apprenticeship & found a job that he loves (unskilled labour so nothing he couldn’t do in the UK but it’s his world at the mo!). We saw this as our opportunity & jumped on it quickly. We listed the house & then my son announced that he would be staying behind & would find a place to rent. 
My hubby will not leave the country without him, especially when the borders are still closed. I’m worse than ever and am now having panic attacks at the thought of being stuck here forever. 
At the moment, I want to just leave & hope that he follows but I can’t imagine how I’ll feel over there if he doesn’t come or, god forbid, something happens to him while we’re there & we can’t fly back. 
Has anyone had experience of leaving a child this young in a country without family?

please help me to find a way out of this - it’s torture :( 
 

[Quoll]

4 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Update: we held on while the uk were in a strict lockdown. By May, my son had quit his apprenticeship & found a job that he loves (unskilled labour so nothing he couldn’t do in the UK but it’s his world at the mo!). We saw this as our opportunity & jumped on it quickly. We listed the house & then my son announced that he would be staying behind & would find a place to rent. 
My hubby will not leave the country without him, especially when the borders are still closed. I’m worse than ever and am now having panic attacks at the thought of being stuck here forever. 
At the moment, I want to just leave & hope that he follows but I can’t imagine how I’ll feel over there if he doesn’t come or, god forbid, something happens to him while we’re there & we can’t fly back. 
Has anyone had experience of leaving a child this young in a country without family?

please help me to find a way out of this - it’s torture 
 

Oh dear, I suspect you're stuck! That tends to be what happens when your kids get to that slightly independent age. If your DH won't leave him then you're faced with either going alone and hoping that one or both of them decide that being with you is the best option on life or you decide that you can only go as a family.  Your son is going to do a zillion things with his life from now on and either you adjust your life to accommodate him - you could find yourself trekking around the country after him or even around the world - or you decide that you need to do what is best for you and trust that you have raised him to be independent and let him live his life while you live yours.   I know a couple of families who have left their quite young kids and moved on and it's worked out fine. One of them now has a young family of his own and whilst missing grandkids hasn't been easy there have been nice long visits. 

I have one son in UK - he was older when he left to go on holiday but he's been there almost 20 years now and had his own life.  Is it easy? Yes and no. The distance thing is terrifying, just as it is when you worry about your olds but you get used to it.

If you can leave your son with some sort of safety network - reliable family friends who can keep an eye - then I suspect that's probably the best you can do. Perhaps get him to move out ASAP so he can taste an independent life and you can see that he's doing OK before you leave him. He may decide in a few months that the responsibility isn't all its cracked up to be and he will want to move on with you. 

My heart goes out to you as I suspect you are stuck but given your anxiety is now through the roof, May I suggest that the first person you need to worry about us yourself and take yourself off to your GP to get your own mental health back on a more even keel!  All the best! 

[Marisawright]

5 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Update: we held on while the uk were in a strict lockdown. By May, my son had quit his apprenticeship & found a job that he loves (unskilled labour so nothing he couldn’t do in the UK but it’s his world at the mo!). We saw this as our opportunity & jumped on it quickly. We listed the house & then my son announced that he would be staying behind & would find a place to rent. 

Then let him move out now.  Help him find a place, give him a few months to make sure he's settled and off you go.  He's 18 now, isn't he?  You still see him as your baby, but he's not.  Remember how young Brits used to do their gap year between school and university, travelling across Asia and then doing their working holiday in Australia? He's that age. He's at an age when he needs to make his own mistakes and build his own life. He'll manage much better than you think.  And if he doesn't, all he has to do is get on a plane. 

Is there any way that your husband could stay on for a while and you go on ahead?

[ramot]

21 hours ago, Homesick1 said:

Update: we held on while the uk were in a strict lockdown. By May, my son had quit his apprenticeship & found a job that he loves (unskilled labour so nothing he couldn’t do in the UK but it’s his world at the mo!). We saw this as our opportunity & jumped on it quickly. We listed the house & then my son announced that he would be staying behind & would find a place to rent. 
My hubby will not leave the country without him, especially when the borders are still closed. I’m worse than ever and am now having panic attacks at the thought of being stuck here forever. 
At the moment, I want to just leave & hope that he follows but I can’t imagine how I’ll feel over there if he doesn’t come or, god forbid, something happens to him while we’re there & we can’t fly back. 
Has anyone had experience of leaving a child this young in a country without family?

please help me to find a way out of this - it’s torture 
 

Yes I have had experience of leaving my children in another country, not in quite the same circumstances though.

My husband had to take a job in Brunei, we have 3 children, daughter then aged  13, two sons aged 18 and 21, they all stayed in England. My daughter had to start boarding school and the two boys were in university. We had no family backup, but my daughter had a guardian, who she stayed with for half term, and she flew out on her own to us for the school holidays. Our middle son also joined us for his, but the oldest was finishing university and about to start working, so he moved into a flat  The middle son stayed on his own in our house when he finished university,  as he found work locally to start with, before moving away when he changed jobs.

Our daughter went to university in London and flat shared, flew out to us in her holidays.

It wasn’t easy being so far from our children and there were some hard times,  the boys found it easier than our daughter, but she was much younger.

All three were still in England when we retired and moved to Australia.

The upshot is that they survived and coped, as did we as a family. Our oldest has never left England, the middle son joined us in Australia, and our daughter who was very independent,  went off on her own and lived in Mexico for 2 years, and later Kenya for a year. She then also joined us here.

Our children grow up, become independent and have to let them live their own lives. If you do decide to go back to UK and your son stays here, do you have a family friend that he can turn to? it might help you if you help him to find somewhere to live, and see him settled before you leave. He might thrive, or he might decide to follow you, but let him decide. 

I know it’s not easy, so I wish you all the best with your decision 

 

 

Edited September 12, 2021 by ramot