Impossible decision

[LittleLadyJayne]

@Quoll Thank you for your insights and comments. I very much appreciate it.

I definitely hear what you are saying about parents being upset if I changed my life for them (They have always wanted me to live life on my terms). I asked myself this question last night, but part of the pull home is definitely driven by me wanting to spend time with them (whether they like or not lol). I'm also tired of this feeling of never feeling settled in Australia. I look at my Aussie friends with their families and 'home' and cannot help but feel a twang in my heart for mine. Will I feel 'home' back in the UK? I'm now at a point where there is only one way to find out! 

The questions you ask about my current relationship are ones I ask myself too. If I'm honest, no, he's not the 'one' for me, and he's not a man (as great as he is) I would want to have a family with. He is German, but he sees himself here for good. He's not close to his family in Germany and moving back would never be an option. The longer version is there are issues... but I also think I hold myself back from settling down in Melbourne/Australia because deep down my roots are not here. Enough said really right? 

You're right, I do need to put on my big girl panties and grab life with everything I've got! And if it doesnt work out, atleast I will have answered the question about moving home that has been in the background for the past 5 years. I think covid has really brought this to the forefront and highlighted to me how precious family is and my longing for home. 

[LittleLadyJayne]

35 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

Well, if you were flying to the UK right now, it would be because of a life-and-death situation in your family, so I think they'd be willing to risk it.  As I'm sure you know, you're trapped in Australia currenlty, not allowed to leave the country without a special exemption.

@Marisawright Yes I looked up the travel restrictions last night. However, instead of being disheartened I'm going to start doing what I can this side of the ocean and start looking into the logistics of moving back. There is likely a number of legal, tax and logistical things I need to understand and organise (something I've kept putting off!). So atleast I can feel like I can get the ball rolling  Hard to know what will happen next in Melbourne each day at the moment, so I think I just need to roll with it.

 

[Marisawright]

3 minutes ago, LittleLadyJayne said:

@Marisawright Yes I looked up the travel restrictions last night. However, instead of being disheartened I'm going to start doing what I can this side of the ocean and start looking into the logistics of moving back. There is likely a number of legal, tax and logistical things I need to understand and organise (something I've kept putting off!). So atleast I can feel like I can get the ball rolling  Hard to know what will happen next in Melbourne each day at the moment, so I think I just need to roll with it.

 

If you are leaving Australia permanently, then you can get a travel exemption even now. Several of our members have done it.  It's trying to leave temporarily that's the impossibility.

[LittleLadyJayne]

@Marisawright Ah I see! Sorry, I misunderstood, thank you for that!  I will start looking into that also and search the forum for posts to find out where to get information on this. I have seen a few references already. 

 

[Marisawright]

From the Home Affairs website:

If you are an Australian citizen or a permanent resident you cannot leave Australia due to COVID-19 restrictions unless you have an exemption. You can apply online but you must meet at least one of the following:

• your travel is as part of the response to the COVID-19 outbreak, including the provision of aid 
• your travel is essential for the conduct of critical industries and business (including export and import industries)
• you are travelling to receive urgent medical treatment that is not available in Australia
• you are travelling on urgent and unavoidable personal business
• you are travelling on compassionate or humanitarian grounds 
• your travel is in the national interest.

Leaving Australia permanently comes under the heading of "urgent and unavoidable personal business" and you need to provide evidence that you have (or are in the process of) putting your home up for sale (or terminating your lease) and shipping your belongings.  Because they are far more worried about people bringing the virus back after a trip overseas, leaving permanently is easier to get approved provided you give proper evidence. 

It's worth noting that if you get refused, you can apply again immediately with more evidence.   There is no limit to the number of applications you can make.  

From what we've seen, although "compassionate grounds" is listed, they are not very compassionate when it comes to deciding what compassionate means...  It's a bit alarming that they are now saying you need to apply at least 4 weeks and not more than 3 months from when you want to travel.  It suggests that the wait time for approval is getting longer. 

Edited July 28, 2020 by Marisawright

[Amzlou84]

I have just read through this whole chat and found it really helpful. I wish all the best to everyone trying to navigate such a big decision. 

We came in 2016 as temp visa holders and gained pr ths year. Our daughter was 8 and son was 3 when we came. Lets just say, our daughter has never really gotten into the groove of Australia. Marisa, you hit the nail on the head for me when you said 'some people feel a persistent ache or loss when separated from their family or homeland' . Ive come to learn and recognise this is her. She is 12 now.  Covid has impacted her greatly and she is very isolated and very low in mood. 

Myself and hubby and son are all reasonably settled and happy but ofcourse we are very aware that not all of us are. My daughter is grade 7 and we are not eligible to apply for citizenship until next year, and the wait is obviously long after application, at which point she would be right in the middle of high school. Not a good time to move her. I would appreciate people's thoughts! I know ultimately no-one can tell you what to do, but its good to get outside perspectives.  

Edited July 29, 2020 by Amzlou84

[Melbpom]

3 hours ago, Amzlou84 said:

I have just read through this whole chat and found it really helpful. I wish all the best to everyone trying to navigate such a big decision. 

We came in 2016 as temp visa holders and gained pr ths year. Our daughter was 8 and son was 3 when we came. Lets just say, our daughter has never really gotten into the groove of Australia. Marisa, you hit the nail on the head for me when you said 'some people feel a persistent ache or loss when separated from their family or homeland' . Ive come to learn and recognise this is her. She is 12 now.  Covid has impacted her greatly and she is very isolated and very low in mood. 

Myself and hubby and son are all reasonably settled and happy but ofcourse we are very aware that not all of us are. My daughter is grade 7 and we are not eligible to apply for citizenship until next year, and the wait is obviously long after application, at which point she would be right in the middle of high school. Not a good time to move her. I would appreciate people's thoughts! I know ultimately no-one can tell you what to do, but its good to get outside perspectives.  

It seems that you're so close to citizenship, why not stay for this? Do you want to risk getting back to the UK only to find it's changed or you have?

I know timing is a worry with your daughter but it sounds like you've missed the start of high school (I could be wrong here), in which case I'd explain the delay to your daughter and head back as soon as you can.

[ramot]

4 hours ago, Amzlou84 said:

I have just read through this whole chat and found it really helpful. I wish all the best to everyone trying to navigate such a big decision. 

We came in 2016 as temp visa holders and gained pr ths year. Our daughter was 8 and son was 3 when we came. Lets just say, our daughter has never really gotten into the groove of Australia. Marisa, you hit the nail on the head for me when you said 'some people feel a persistent ache or loss when separated from their family or homeland' . Ive come to learn and recognise this is her. She is 12 now.  Covid has impacted her greatly and she is very isolated and very low in mood. 

Myself and hubby and son are all reasonably settled and happy but ofcourse we are very aware that not all of us are. My daughter is grade 7 and we are not eligible to apply for citizenship until next year, and the wait is obviously long after application, at which point she would be right in the middle of high school. Not a good time to move her. I would appreciate people's thoughts! I know ultimately no-one can tell you what to do, but its good to get outside perspectives.  

I never ever tell people what to do because ultimately the decision is personal.

What I will mention is that due to circumstances my daughter moved senior school at age 13, then again age 15, not easy adjusting to 2  new schools in your teens, and halfway through her GCE’s with different boards.

She worked hard, passed all her GCE’s, A levels and went to university. Of course it’s much better to stay in one school, but as in my daughter’s case, and to quite a few of our friends children in similar situations to us, they coped and did well. I’m not saying it was easy though, but it made her a strong person having to cope with the changes.

Hope everything works out for you.

 

 

Edited July 29, 2020 by ramot

[LouDYorkie]

We moved around a bit when I was young and I never found it easy. I pined for friends right up until I had left the next lot of friends in the next place, who I then pined for too.
Had my parents not considered our feelings, teenage moods and what school year we would be reaching in our next destination, I would have, with hindsight, done so many of the things I have tried so hard to do since!
I guess what I’m saying is, I was a sullen child who struggled with change. But, my only regret is that my parents didn’t make me live in other places and learn more languages and be part of more cultures even though we had the chance to, and given the opportunity I would be telling my child self to be positive and embrace all of those opportunities.

I would say it might be hard to stay until you have citizenship for your family, and your daughter may not appreciate it in the next few years, but it’s even harder for you or your children to start from scratch years down the line.
I personally would stick it out!

[Ballaratburd]

On 10/07/2020 at 14:12, Lynne shenfine said:

Hi everyone. 

This is my first post on this forum, however, I have been reading for a few weeks and have found it to be extremely interesting and helpful.

This could be a very, very long post but i will give a little bit of background and cut to the chase! I am Scottish and we are known for waffling on!

My husband and i emigrated to Adelaide from Newcastle upon Tyne in March 2013. His family all live in the north of England and my family in the  highlands of Scotland. My husband had spent time in Oz during his training in both Melbourne and Brisbane for a year at a time (we are going back around 25 years!) He said Australia got under his skin and despite landing an excellent job in the U.K he never quite settled and dreamed of going back. He was previously married with a daughter when we met. A fantastic opportunity arose in Adelaide so we decided to go for it knowing we could travel and visit family and we could go home if it didn't work out. We had to give it a go or spend the rest of our lives wondering what if?

We left with our nine month old daughter and our second daughter was born three months after we landed. Our children are now 8,7 and we have a 3 year old too. Our families supported us but were equally heartbroken which we never really talk about!

My husband had been travelling twice a year to see his now teenage daughter and she had come to visit us too as she was getting older. I have never been back since we emigrated as my mum and dad were coming out at least twice a year and I wanted to wait until our children were a bit older before we made the trip. That was meant to be this year! Obviously Covid  has pretty much put paid to all of that in the near future and we are left wondering what now???? My husband id devastated at the thought of not seeing his daughter. Despite the distance they are very close (we all are!) and we have . done an amazing job of maintaining the relationship via visits and weekly FaceTime video chats and phone calls. My mum and I are also very close and I phone her every day but its just not the same.

Life is good here. My husband is a consultant surgeon due to come a professor very soon, loves his public job and his colleagues and has a thriving private practice. We live in a beautiful house with a pool close to the beach and  our older girls go to the local school where they are happy. I am a nurse but don't work so I am home with the kids. We have friends but haven't really found our tribe. We also have two dogs and a cat which we adore! We are permanent residents but haven't gone for citizenship yet.....stupid we know!

But............

It all looks great on paper, however, we spent most of 2019 VERY unsettled. We talked constantly about family and going home. At this point our parents were ageing and becoming less able to travel. My husbands family, including his beautiful 80 year old mum, and the majority of my family have never met our two youngest children. Hubbys trips back to the UK were beginning to take its toll as all his holidays were spent travelling home while i stayed here with the kids and no support network just praying there wouldn't be a disaster while he was away! 

We do love Adelaide, however, have issues. the summer is brutal and I often find the kids and I are confined to a fairly indoor lifestyle during the summer school holidays. My husband earns well but despite gruelling hours between tax and cost of living we aren't much better off than when he worked in the NHS!  His private work also buys him body and soul but it is very much something you are expected to do here.  We feel extremely isolated from the rest of the world and are beginning to regret coming here. 

My husband applied for a few jobs last year but we pulled out thinking that equally we would be insane to leave. I should probably add that my husband is 50 and Im 41 so the thought of starting again is daunting.

We pulled out of the jobs thinking as long as we can travel we can probably cope. Then covid happened.

We are genuinely now torn every single day as to what to do. Every time we say we will stay literally within 24 hours one of us has changed their mind! 

Its become all consuming and we feel we can't move on with life. We are also acutely aware that time is not on our side with regards to our childrens education, and friendships and our ages.

We just can't shake the feeling that our Aussie dream has run  its course. We miss our families and feel we are denying our children contact with them and in particular their  big sister.

My husband has applied for a job in Bath which he is discussing with his ex UK colleague this weekend to see if it would be suitable.

However we are also worried that going back won't be what we think it. That we are rose tinting it and we won't see as much of our families as we think or that UK winters are far more miserable than we remember! It would be a one way trip for us. If we went back we wouldn't come back to Oz again for by the financial implications we couldn't put our families through the heartbreak again. We haven't even discussed this with our families as we  don't want to get their hopes up!

It really is an impossible decision with no right or wrong answer. 

ANY words of understanding or wisdom would be so appreciated.

Thank you if you have read this far and i hope you and your families are safe and well wherever in the world you are.

P.S told you i could talk!!

 

 

 

 

Hi Lynne,

I really enjoyed reading your post. Our situations have a lot of similarities.

My husband and I moved to Melbourne from Glasgow in 2013. We moved to regional Victoria in 2018 after the birth of our first child but to be honest we have both felt pretty unsettled since then, we had another baby not long after, just before covid hit we had put our house on the market and had an offer accepted on land to build a house here and I think I must be one of the few people who feels they benefited from covid because the impact it had on our housing plans made us take a massive step back and re evaluate our lives and we realised that really we are no longer happy here and exactly as you put it "Our Aussie dream has run its course"

I am a nurse also and my husband is a police officer. I managed to work my way up the chain pretty quickly here and I am now a Grade 5, my husband earns a lot more here than he did in Scotland and the working conditions for both of us are much better but honestly our earnings in no way make up for the increased cost of living and since I went part time I feel like we are constantly struggling for cash and I cant believe we were considering increasing our mortgage by so much to build. My husband works ridiculous hours here and commutes one hour each way to work, I am home with our two boys as still on maternity leave and have zero support network and I feel so incredibly bored and lonely. I have picked up lots of friends over the years and the majority of them have flitted in and out of my life, I find Australians to be very "on the surface" and I have struggled to develop any deep friendships and apart from two friends (one irish and one scottish) I dont feel I have anyone I can rely on here whereas I have stayed in touch with a lot of friends at home and also have my Dad, sister and several extended family members I am in touch with often. Since becoming a mum my entire outlook on life here has changed dramatically. I hate that my boys are hidden away at the arse end of the world and I honestly thought to myself one day a few months ago "why am i choosing to be this miserable" I love the weather and I love my job, but these things are no longer as important to me as before. I really tossed up just powering through, knowing that this period in my life would be difficult regardless and once my boys are older It will get easier but really I know I would be delaying the inevitable and I didnt want to find myself feeling like this in 8 years time when the kids are settled at school and its an upheaval to them. Ultimately they were born here and we are all citizens so if they decide in the future to come back then they can freely.

As soon as we both admitted we were on the same page and wanted to go home its been all systems go and tonight we booked flights for the 8th of September, I still have a million things to organise but I now feel like I am 100% making the right decision and I cannot wait to be back in my homeland and I really feel I will have a new found fondness for the place.

I would be really interested to hear what you decide to do. Good Luck with it all, its an incredibly hard decision to make 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Amber Snowball]

4 minutes ago, Ballaratburd said:

Hi Lynne,

I really enjoyed reading your post. Our situations have a lot of similarities.

My husband and I moved to Melbourne from Glasgow in 2013. We moved to regional Victoria in 2018 after the birth of our first child but to be honest we have both felt pretty unsettled since then, we had another baby not long after, just before covid hit we had put our house on the market and had an offer accepted on land to build a house here and I think I must be one of the few people who feels they benefited from covid because the impact it had on our housing plans made us take a massive step back and re evaluate our lives and we realised that really we are no longer happy here and exactly as you put it "Our Aussie dream has run its course"

I am a nurse also and my husband is a police officer. I managed to work my way up the chain pretty quickly here and I am now a Grade 5, my husband earns a lot more here than he did in Scotland and the working conditions for both of us are much better but honestly our earnings in no way make up for the increased cost of living and since I went part time I feel like we are constantly struggling for cash and I cant believe we were considering increasing our mortgage by so much to build. My husband works ridiculous hours here and commutes one hour each way to work, I am home with our two boys as still on maternity leave and have zero support network and I feel so incredibly bored and lonely. I have picked up lots of friends over the years and the majority of them have flitted in and out of my life, I find Australians to be very "on the surface" and I have struggled to develop any deep friendships and apart from two friends (one irish and one scottish) I dont feel I have anyone I can rely on here whereas I have stayed in touch with a lot of friends at home and also have my Dad, sister and several extended family members I am in touch with often. Since becoming a mum my entire outlook on life here has changed dramatically. I hate that my boys are hidden away at the arse end of the world and I honestly thought to myself one day a few months ago "why am i choosing to be this miserable" I love the weather and I love my job, but these things are no longer as important to me as before. I really tossed up just powering through, knowing that this period in my life would be difficult regardless and once my boys are older It will get easier but really I know I would be delaying the inevitable and I didnt want to find myself feeling like this in 8 years time when the kids are settled at school and its an upheaval to them. Ultimately they were born here and we are all citizens so if they decide in the future to come back then they can freely.

As soon as we both admitted we were on the same page and wanted to go home its been all systems go and tonight we booked flights for the 8th of September, I still have a million things to organise but I now feel like I am 100% making the right decision and I cannot wait to be back in my homeland and I really feel I will have a new found fondness for the place.

I would be really interested to hear what you decide to do. Good Luck with it all, its an incredibly hard decision to make 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good luck with your move back. It’s not utopia here but not all bad either! I’ve been back 2 years now, can’t believe it, and I think it’s going ok. I was diagnosed with a long term condition at Christmas which may mean I have to cut back my hours in the nhs and tbh I feel sick thinking about the situation I would probably have been in had I stayed in Australia with this happening. I would have had an increased mortgage and would be struggling I think.
The NHS is one messed up organisation! But you know that!

[ali]

15 minutes ago, Amber Snowball said:

Good luck with your move back. It’s not utopia here but not all bad either! I’ve been back 2 years now, can’t believe it, and I think it’s going ok. I was diagnosed with a long term condition at Christmas which may mean I have to cut back my hours in the nhs and tbh I feel sick thinking about the situation I would probably have been in had I stayed in Australia with this happening. I would have had an increased mortgage and would be struggling I think.
The NHS is one messed up organisation! But you know that!

OMG Amber - has it really been two years, that time has gone so very quickly. Sorry to hear you're having to cut back on hours.  

[Amber Snowball]

16 minutes ago, ali said:

OMG Amber - has it really been two years, that time has gone so very quickly. Sorry to hear you're having to cut back on hours.  

I know. Has gone so fast. 
I haven’t cut back yet but think it is coming. I keep hoping I’ll start to feel better. I have some reasonable adjustments in place and with Covid I’m working from home but not sure they’ll keep the reduced workflow for very long, so might have to reduce then. 

For now I’m hanging on!

[Toots]

10 hours ago, Amber Snowball said:

I know. Has gone so fast. 
I haven’t cut back yet but think it is coming. I keep hoping I’ll start to feel better. I have some reasonable adjustments in place and with Covid I’m working from home but not sure they’ll keep the reduced workflow for very long, so might have to reduce then. 

For now I’m hanging on!

I also can't believe it's two years since you arrived back in the UK!!    Seems more like 12 months.

Hope you do feel better soon.

 

[Amber Snowball]

7 hours ago, Toots said:

I also can't believe it's two years since you arrived back in the UK!!    Seems more like 12 months.

Hope you do feel better soon.

 

Amazing isn’t it. Gone so quickly. 
Thanks Toots, I hope so too!

[bunbury61]

On 13/07/2020 at 21:36, Quoll said:

Sadly, I don’t think there is a one size fits all solution to situations like you find yourself in! You could start to be pragmatic though - get your citizenship then you’ve got your bases covered!   While you are waiting for that start rationalising your  “stuff” So that if an opportunity not to be missed comes along, you won’t miss it!  
 

I’d say you’re probably on the cusp of being too old - but I think you can still do it - but if you don’t do it now then you’re probably not going to do it at all or at least until you’ve stopped working and by then the pull of an elderly parent is probably not going to be there. If you go in the next couple of years you have a chance to get reestablished before you retire. My observation was that Britain wasn’t nearly so ageist as Australia and even though we weren’t  looking for work, my husband and I both got offered jobs! 
 

Like Marisa, we came back but it wasn’t because it didn’t work for us - it did, as far as I was concerned it worked brilliantly. It assuaged my guilt because we cared for my parents, I was happy all the time, lost weight, got fitter and generally had a great time but staying there when dad needed to go into care was a non starter and, pragmatically, we had left it too late, financially it stacked up being better back in Australia. 
 

What would I have done at your age and single? I have no idea but I’d like to think I would have up sticks and gone. Even back then (20 years ago) I always said that if anything happened to my Aussie husband I would be on the next plane home. Of course, back then I had two kids at Uni so I don’t know if the stars would have aligned for me or not. 
 

So, small steps to prepare - get citizenship, start to declutter, look for jobs in U.K. you would kill to get and start applying so that when we are free to travel the world again, if you feel like it you can go!   Good luck with your decision making, whichever way you jump.

I came back in 94 for a few years - or so I thought

And iam still here - we just have our mom here now 

92 years old - 4 major falls ,this year alone .

Hospital visits - shopping - 8 phone calls a day .

Thank god , I married the woman that I did .

Beautiful - patient - caring 

She is currently drying my moms hair and making her a cup of tea .

People say - that you have to live your own life ...etc etc .

But the million dollar question is- there is a job to do and someone has to do it 

She's 92 - lives on her own - unsteady on her feet - can't do her own banking or shopping or make doctors appointments 

Thank god my wife was sent to me , so that we could carry out this undertaking 

Iam a very lucky man 

 

[Quoll]

41 minutes ago, bunbury61 said:

I came back in 94 for a few years - or so I thought

And iam still here - we just have our mom here now 

92 years old - 4 major falls ,this year alone .

Hospital visits - shopping - 8 phone calls a day .

Thank god , I married the woman that I did .

Beautiful - patient - caring 

She is currently drying my moms hair and making her a cup of tea .

People say - that you have to live your own life ...etc etc .

But the million dollar question is- there is a job to do and someone has to do it 

She's 92 - lives on her own - unsteady on her feet - can't do her own banking or shopping or make doctors appointments 

Thank god my wife was sent to me , so that we could carry out this undertaking 

Iam a very lucky man 

 

Quite right!  I am very lucky that I have a wonderful husband who did more than his fair share of caring for my parents, aunt and uncle over the past 9 years.  I am truly blessed too and I agree - someone has to step up when there is a job to do.  I am just immensely grateful that my dad made his own decision that he needed more care than we could realistically offer and he chose to go into care and he loved it!  It gave him back a much bigger social group than we could ever manage and he really thrived there.  I was happy to leave him there because I knew he felt he belonged and they were wonderful to him, I know I was exceptionally fortunate to find a care home that was that good.  I am just hoping that now at 71 we can reclaim something of our lives although this bloody virus thing is rather putting a dampener on most of what we want to do.  

[Ballaratburd]

On 29/07/2020 at 22:43, Amber Snowball said:

Good luck with your move back. It’s not utopia here but not all bad either! I’ve been back 2 years now, can’t believe it, and I think it’s going ok. I was diagnosed with a long term condition at Christmas which may mean I have to cut back my hours in the nhs and tbh I feel sick thinking about the situation I would probably have been in had I stayed in Australia with this happening. I would have had an increased mortgage and would be struggling I think.
The NHS is one messed up organisation! But you know that!

Hi Amber,

 

I must admit that going back to work for the NHS is the thing I am dreading about going home (that and the horrendous cold sideways rain that Scotland has in abundance) 

im sorry to hear about your health issues, I have often wondered how I would cope if I was diagnosed with a chronic condition or even if I had an accident and was unable to work for a period of time. The reality of the situation is that now we have kids all of our reasons for being here no longer matter, I know that we will all be better off in Scotland and I’ll just have to suck it up and go back to being a frazzled, over worked NHS nurse. 

[Quoll]

2 hours ago, Ballaratburd said:

Hi Amber,

 

I must admit that going back to work for the NHS is the thing I am dreading about going home (that and the horrendous cold sideways rain that Scotland has in abundance) 

im sorry to hear about your health issues, I have often wondered how I would cope if I was diagnosed with a chronic condition or even if I had an accident and was unable to work for a period of time. The reality of the situation is that now we have kids all of our reasons for being here no longer matter, I know that we will all be better off in Scotland and I’ll just have to suck it up and go back to being a frazzled, over worked NHS nurse. 

After Ballarat (the coldest place on earth!) Scotland in winter will seem like the balmy Med! I’ve had to buy more “winter woolies” in Ballarat on my trips there than anywhere else - ever! Me and Target have this thing going on!!! 

[Amber Snowball]

3 hours ago, Ballaratburd said:

Hi Amber,

 

I must admit that going back to work for the NHS is the thing I am dreading about going home (that and the horrendous cold sideways rain that Scotland has in abundance) 

im sorry to hear about your health issues, I have often wondered how I would cope if I was diagnosed with a chronic condition or even if I had an accident and was unable to work for a period of time. The reality of the situation is that now we have kids all of our reasons for being here no longer matter, I know that we will all be better off in Scotland and I’ll just have to suck it up and go back to being a frazzled, over worked NHS nurse. 

It never occurred to me that I would be unwell. I have the most vanilla health history ever. Maybe I just suppressed that worry! 
It certainly puts the level of debt I would have had in Australia into perspective. It would have been mortgage debt not anything frivolous. 
Anyhoo, good luck with your move. What sort of nursing do you do? I’m a Health Visitor. Clinical commissioning and the obsession with KPIs is killing the role but there we go.

I work with some lovely people though and that makes all the difference.
I’m in the north west of England now and the amount of rain is an eye opener! Originally from near Heathrow.

I lived for a number of years in Geelong so know Ballarat. 
 

[Barnyrubble]

On 10/07/2020 at 14:12, Lynne shenfine said:

Hi everyone. 

This is my first post on this forum, however, I have been reading for a few weeks and have found it to be extremely interesting and helpful.

This could be a very, very long post but i will give a little bit of background and cut to the chase! I am Scottish and we are known for waffling on!

My husband and i emigrated to Adelaide from Newcastle upon Tyne in March 2013. His family all live in the north of England and my family in the  highlands of Scotland. My husband had spent time in Oz during his training in both Melbourne and Brisbane for a year at a time (we are going back around 25 years!) He said Australia got under his skin and despite landing an excellent job in the U.K he never quite settled and dreamed of going back. He was previously married with a daughter when we met. A fantastic opportunity arose in Adelaide so we decided to go for it knowing we could travel and visit family and we could go home if it didn't work out. We had to give it a go or spend the rest of our lives wondering what if?

We left with our nine month old daughter and our second daughter was born three months after we landed. Our children are now 8,7 and we have a 3 year old too. Our families supported us but were equally heartbroken which we never really talk about!

My husband had been travelling twice a year to see his now teenage daughter and she had come to visit us too as she was getting older. I have never been back since we emigrated as my mum and dad were coming out at least twice a year and I wanted to wait until our children were a bit older before we made the trip. That was meant to be this year! Obviously Covid  has pretty much put paid to all of that in the near future and we are left wondering what now???? My husband id devastated at the thought of not seeing his daughter. Despite the distance they are very close (we all are!) and we have . done an amazing job of maintaining the relationship via visits and weekly FaceTime video chats and phone calls. My mum and I are also very close and I phone her every day but its just not the same.

Life is good here. My husband is a consultant surgeon due to come a professor very soon, loves his public job and his colleagues and has a thriving private practice. We live in a beautiful house with a pool close to the beach and  our older girls go to the local school where they are happy. I am a nurse but don't work so I am home with the kids. We have friends but haven't really found our tribe. We also have two dogs and a cat which we adore! We are permanent residents but haven't gone for citizenship yet.....stupid we know!

But............

It all looks great on paper, however, we spent most of 2019 VERY unsettled. We talked constantly about family and going home. At this point our parents were ageing and becoming less able to travel. My husbands family, including his beautiful 80 year old mum, and the majority of my family have never met our two youngest children. Hubbys trips back to the UK were beginning to take its toll as all his holidays were spent travelling home while i stayed here with the kids and no support network just praying there wouldn't be a disaster while he was away! 

We do love Adelaide, however, have issues. the summer is brutal and I often find the kids and I are confined to a fairly indoor lifestyle during the summer school holidays. My husband earns well but despite gruelling hours between tax and cost of living we aren't much better off than when he worked in the NHS!  His private work also buys him body and soul but it is very much something you are expected to do here.  We feel extremely isolated from the rest of the world and are beginning to regret coming here. 

My husband applied for a few jobs last year but we pulled out thinking that equally we would be insane to leave. I should probably add that my husband is 50 and Im 41 so the thought of starting again is daunting.

We pulled out of the jobs thinking as long as we can travel we can probably cope. Then covid happened.

We are genuinely now torn every single day as to what to do. Every time we say we will stay literally within 24 hours one of us has changed their mind! 

Its become all consuming and we feel we can't move on with life. We are also acutely aware that time is not on our side with regards to our childrens education, and friendships and our ages.

We just can't shake the feeling that our Aussie dream has run  its course. We miss our families and feel we are denying our children contact with them and in particular their  big sister.

My husband has applied for a job in Bath which he is discussing with his ex UK colleague this weekend to see if it would be suitable.

However we are also worried that going back won't be what we think it. That we are rose tinting it and we won't see as much of our families as we think or that UK winters are far more miserable than we remember! It would be a one way trip for us. If we went back we wouldn't come back to Oz again for by the financial implications we couldn't put our families through the heartbreak again. We haven't even discussed this with our families as we  don't want to get their hopes up!

It really is an impossible decision with no right or wrong answer. 

ANY words of understanding or wisdom would be so appreciated.

Thank you if you have read this far and i hope you and your families are safe and well wherever in the world you are.

P.S told you i could talk!!

 

 

 

 

 

[Barnyrubble]

Hi. We lived in Perth in the 80s but family ties and family illness took us and our 2 sons back. We loved it and have done ever since - till today's problem.  

Our sons decided to return here a few years back and now we spend our time and money travelling to and fro to see them and the grandchildren. Exhausting and expensive.

We absolutely love the lifestyle on the Gold Coast and are still here now due to covid.  We are contemplating applying to stay BUT 60 odd years of friends over in UK coupled with  the proximity to France  Italy etc and no financial concerns versus the financial implications here are crippling our decision. Yes its wonderful being with our boys but should we put ourselves in a dodgy financial place to achieve it.  

Our house in the UK is on the beach which is wonderful but winters are sometimes long. Not so harsh but long. However with the different seasons which are beautiful and the atmosphere of xmas etc life can be good. Your children could be like ours and have a grammar school education for free and the NHS has been wonderful with every member of our family.

[Marisawright]

33 minutes ago, Barnyrubble said:

Hi. We lived in Perth in the 80s but family ties and family illness took us and our 2 sons back. We loved it and have done ever since - till today's problem.  

Our sons decided to return here a few years back and now we spend our time and money travelling to and fro to see them and the grandchildren. Exhausting and expensive.

We absolutely love the lifestyle on the Gold Coast and are still here now due to covid.  We are contemplating applying to stay BUT 60 odd years of friends over in UK coupled with  the proximity to France  Italy etc and no financial concerns versus the financial implications here are crippling our decision. Yes its wonderful being with our boys but should we put ourselves in a dodgy financial place to achieve it.  

Our house in the UK is on the beach which is wonderful but winters are sometimes long. Not so harsh but long. However with the different seasons which are beautiful and the atmosphere of xmas etc life can be good. Your children could be like ours and have a grammar school education for free and the NHS has been wonderful with every member of our family.

I know this is a long shot but have you looked into your residency status for Australia? Is there any way you can revive your original permanent residency (assuming that's what you had?)  The rules changed so many times over the years.  

Edited August 2, 2020 by Marisawright

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, Barnyrubble said:

We absolutely love the lifestyle on the Gold Coast and are still here now due to covid.  We are contemplating applying to stay BUT 60 odd years of friends over in UK coupled with  the proximity to France  Italy etc and no financial concerns versus the financial implications here are crippling our decision. Yes its wonderful being with our boys but should we put ourselves in a dodgy financial place to achieve it.  

Our house in the UK is on the beach which is wonderful but winters are sometimes long. Not so harsh but long. However with the different seasons which are beautiful and the atmosphere of xmas etc life can be good. Your children could be like ours and have a grammar school education for free and the NHS has been wonderful with every member of our family.

It is a very difficult decision.  We have members here like @Fisher1 who have done it and are glad they took the plunge. I'm sure some will drop in to share their positive stories.

I'll share a cautionary talefrom the other perspective.

I first met Jane when she was in Sydney on holiday, visiting her children and grandchildren.  After that, I met her at dance classes during her annual visits.   She was absolutely desperate to get the parents visa, because her children and grandchildren are here.  Her husband was less certain, because they had a rich social life in the UK, with a comfortable home, a close circle of friends and a busy round of activities. 

Eventually, they got their parents' visa and Jane was overjoyed.  But as time went by, I could see Jane was no longer her bubbly self.  Eventually she admitted that life in Australia was nothing like she'd hoped.  On their previous holidays, they spent lots of time with their children and grandchildren. They ferried the kids to and from school, babysat when needed, and spent most weekends on family outings.  However, once they made the permanent move, the children couldn't devote every weekend to family outings - after all, they have their own lives to lead.    The grandchildren are getting older and have sport or ballet most weekends, or would rather visit their friends than spend time with granny.   The final straw was when they realised they couldn't afford a home near their children, and had to buy over an hour away - so they couldn't even do the school run.  Before long, they were lucky if they saw their grandchildren once a week. 

Some might feel that seeing them once a week is better than seeing them for three months every year - but for Jane, the problem was, what to do with the rest of her time.  She's outgoing, so she made lots of acquaintances, but found it very hard to form close friendships.  She soon realised that, forced to buy a home in a less desirable area, they weren't close to the social activities they liked, and were surrounded by bogan neighbours.  Her husband, who is quite shy, was really struggling. 

She now realises that time with the grandchildren is priceless, but she has sacrificed a great deal to achieve those few precious hours.   Unfortunately, they spent so much money on the move, they simply cannot afford to move back.

Everyone's situation is different but I hope that highlights a few of the realities, so if you do decide to go for it, make sure you can have a lifestyle you would both enjoy when you aren't with the kids and grandkids.

Edited August 2, 2020 by Marisawright

[ramot]

1 hour ago, Barnyrubble said:

Hi. We lived in Perth in the 80s but family ties and family illness took us and our 2 sons back. We loved it and have done ever since - till today's problem.  

Our sons decided to return here a few years back and now we spend our time and money travelling to and fro to see them and the grandchildren. Exhausting and expensive.

We absolutely love the lifestyle on the Gold Coast and are still here now due to covid.  We are contemplating applying to stay BUT 60 odd years of friends over in UK coupled with  the proximity to France  Italy etc and no financial concerns versus the financial implications here are crippling our decision. Yes its wonderful being with our boys but should we put ourselves in a dodgy financial place to achieve it.  

Our house in the UK is on the beach which is wonderful but winters are sometimes long. Not so harsh but long. However with the different seasons which are beautiful and the atmosphere of xmas etc life can be good. Your children could be like ours and have a grammar school education for free and the NHS has been wonderful with every member of our family.

It’s a hard decision to decide whether to stay where you are or move to be nearer your children, there are both for and against thoughts.

We are different to most parents as we moved to Australia to retire after living in Asia for work, so apart from a few friends in our old village where we hadn’t lived for 10 years, most of our friends are scattered as we have moved around,  All our 3 children were in UK, but that was our choice then, so many people say you don’t move for your children, and we moved to do what we wanted to do. 

Fast forward 17 years, we are older, still hopefully fairly fit, but glad that 2 of ours followed us here, I have to admit it’s reassuring to have them fairly close. We were in our 60’s when we moved to Australia, madd a fresh start but it has worked out well. We really enjoy our lives here and have great friends. However if all 3 of our children had stayed in UK, I do wonder if we might now in our mid to late 70’s either regret being so far away and accept it or start to consider moving back to be closer to them. I don’t have the answer but it must be thought about when making the hard decision about where to live.