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Lynne shenfine

Impossible decision

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Hi everyone. 

This is my first post on this forum, however, I have been reading for a few weeks and have found it to be extremely interesting and helpful.

This could be a very, very long post but i will give a little bit of background and cut to the chase! I am Scottish and we are known for waffling on!

My husband and i emigrated to Adelaide from Newcastle upon Tyne in March 2013. His family all live in the north of England and my family in the  highlands of Scotland. My husband had spent time in Oz during his training in both Melbourne and Brisbane for a year at a time (we are going back around 25 years!) He said Australia got under his skin and despite landing an excellent job in the U.K he never quite settled and dreamed of going back. He was previously married with a daughter when we met. A fantastic opportunity arose in Adelaide so we decided to go for it knowing we could travel and visit family and we could go home if it didn't work out. We had to give it a go or spend the rest of our lives wondering what if?

We left with our nine month old daughter and our second daughter was born three months after we landed. Our children are now 8,7 and we have a 3 year old too. Our families supported us but were equally heartbroken which we never really talk about!

My husband had been travelling twice a year to see his now teenage daughter and she had come to visit us too as she was getting older. I have never been back since we emigrated as my mum and dad were coming out at least twice a year and I wanted to wait until our children were a bit older before we made the trip. That was meant to be this year! Obviously Covid  has pretty much put paid to all of that in the near future and we are left wondering what now???? My husband id devastated at the thought of not seeing his daughter. Despite the distance they are very close (we all are!) and we have . done an amazing job of maintaining the relationship via visits and weekly FaceTime video chats and phone calls. My mum and I are also very close and I phone her every day but its just not the same.

Life is good here. My husband is a consultant surgeon due to come a professor very soon, loves his public job and his colleagues and has a thriving private practice. We live in a beautiful house with a pool close to the beach and  our older girls go to the local school where they are happy. I am a nurse but don't work so I am home with the kids. We have friends but haven't really found our tribe. We also have two dogs and a cat which we adore! We are permanent residents but haven't gone for citizenship yet.....stupid we know!

But............

It all looks great on paper, however, we spent most of 2019 VERY unsettled. We talked constantly about family and going home. At this point our parents were ageing and becoming less able to travel. My husbands family, including his beautiful 80 year old mum, and the majority of my family have never met our two youngest children. Hubbys trips back to the UK were beginning to take its toll as all his holidays were spent travelling home while i stayed here with the kids and no support network just praying there wouldn't be a disaster while he was away! 

We do love Adelaide, however, have issues. the summer is brutal and I often find the kids and I are confined to a fairly indoor lifestyle during the summer school holidays. My husband earns well but despite gruelling hours between tax and cost of living we aren't much better off than when he worked in the NHS!  His private work also buys him body and soul but it is very much something you are expected to do here.  We feel extremely isolated from the rest of the world and are beginning to regret coming here. 

My husband applied for a few jobs last year but we pulled out thinking that equally we would be insane to leave. I should probably add that my husband is 50 and Im 41 so the thought of starting again is daunting.

We pulled out of the jobs thinking as long as we can travel we can probably cope. Then covid happened.

We are genuinely now torn every single day as to what to do. Every time we say we will stay literally within 24 hours one of us has changed their mind! 

Its become all consuming and we feel we can't move on with life. We are also acutely aware that time is not on our side with regards to our childrens education, and friendships and our ages.

We just can't shake the feeling that our Aussie dream has run  its course. We miss our families and feel we are denying our children contact with them and in particular their  big sister.

My husband has applied for a job in Bath which he is discussing with his ex UK colleague this weekend to see if it would be suitable.

However we are also worried that going back won't be what we think it. That we are rose tinting it and we won't see as much of our families as we think or that UK winters are far more miserable than we remember! It would be a one way trip for us. If we went back we wouldn't come back to Oz again for by the financial implications we couldn't put our families through the heartbreak again. We haven't even discussed this with our families as we  don't want to get their hopes up!

It really is an impossible decision with no right or wrong answer. 

ANY words of understanding or wisdom would be so appreciated.

Thank you if you have read this far and i hope you and your families are safe and well wherever in the world you are.

P.S told you i could talk!!

 

 

 

 

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I think for most people, it is a hard decision. We returned in 2016 after eight years in Australia. There are things we miss, but overall, we are very happy to be home. I do think the way in which we did it was the best way. We made the decision on the Monday and I flew that Friday with my wife following a week after as we had to wait for the dogs rabies vaccination time. It removed the dithering which I think many people find stressful and although it was stressful selling all our possessions in a week (the house was already on the market) it meant there was a fixed line in the sand. 

You will miss things about Australia, that is normal. But, we were also more amazed by the U.K. than we thought we would be. Things we had taken for granted are seen in a totally new light. All I can say is that for us, it was the right move and I doubt we will ever even visit Australia again. 
 

 

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Thank you very stormy!!

Thats so reassuring and I would be inclined to agree. I almost feel that as an ex pat we will always  feel like outsiders despite the lifestyle that Oz can offer. Maybe you have to leave the UK to fully appreciate it again?

Seriously there have been times when if we could have got on a plane the next day there is no way we would still be sitting in Oz!  Unfortunately it would realistically take us at least three months to extradite ourselves and as my husbands job is very specialised we have to wait for the right one to come up then hope that he gets its! This is the main reason we keep flitting between the decision. Too much time to think..........

 

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5 minutes ago, Lynne shenfine said:

Maybe you have to leave the UK to fully appreciate it again?

True. But that also works in reverse 😊


Left UK 1990 / WA for 28 years / UK / returning to Australia August 2020.

 

 

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While your children are young, perhaps it would be a good time to return to the UK for a year, to see how you feel and to determine if you all settle well as a family. Before you do that though, please apply for your citizenship. It is currently taking so long to be processed, you may find you are back before it is even approved! 

I had lived in Australia for almost 40 years before migrating to Scotland (that wasn't the plan, but it's how it worked out). Two decades later and I find myself stuck here in Australia while I wait for QANTAS to sort themselves out and return me to Edinburgh. We have a beautiful home too, by the beach on the south west coast, but I miss Scotland terribly, every day, and it's not just because I have family there. I love it - the seasons, the countryside, the people, the castle ruins, bagpipes, men in kilts - it suits me, and every time I land at Turnhouse, I feel like I have come home. We went for 12 months and stayed for 20 years, and every day it felt right.

I am not sure you will ever feel truly settled in Australia until you have tested yourself with a year back in the UK. Find a wonderful mature aged couple to look after your lovely home and pets, book return tickets (because even if you decide to stay, you will need to come back to pack up and sell you home) and let the universe sort the rest out for you. Go with no expectations and no regrets - you will know what is right before the year is out. 

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35 minutes ago, mrsmac said:

am not sure you will ever feel truly settled in Australia until you have tested yourself with a year back in the UK. Find a wonderful mature aged couple to look after your lovely home and pets, book return tickets (because even if you decide to stay, you will need to come back to pack up and sell you home) and let the universe sort the rest out for you. Go with no expectations and no regrets - you will know what is right before the year is out. 

This is excellent advice. We have just come to the end of a trial year here in the UK, it's been lovely but it's just not for us anymore. We are flying back to Aus early August.


Left UK 1990 / WA for 28 years / UK / returning to Australia August 2020.

 

 

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Thank you all for your replies and insight. Unfortunately for us we could not do a year in the UK and return back to Oz. It is bad practice and unusual for a consultant surgeon to bounce  between jobs. His post would be filled  and there  would be no job to return too!  Its also getting increasingly difficult for overseas medics to get jobs here. They are tending to keep to their own. Thats why we emigrated as the opportunity doesn't come up often and if we didn't take it may never have come up again.  For by anything else there is no way my husband would be cruel enough to go back to his teenage daughter then a year down the line leave her again. I also couldn't take my parents grandchildren away again it would destroy them!  For us it would be a one way ticket and I guess that's what makes it so difficult! 

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Posted (edited)
42 minutes ago, AliQ said:

This is excellent advice. We have just come to the end of a trial year here in the UK, it's been lovely but it's just not for us anymore. We are flying back to Aus early August.

I'm not sure I agree.

It's advice that works well for a retired couple with enough money to finance a costly relocation twice within the space of a few years.   It's not so simple for a working couple.  I'm not sure it would be wise for a surgeon to chop and change jobs like that - it would make him look uncommitted to Australia and would influence his chances of getting a good position if they decided to move back.

My own view is that people who are very close to family shouldn't migrate, because it will never feel right - you can replace a lot of things in life, but not family time.  Most successful migrants are people like me, who were fairly independent of their families before they ever left the UK. 

@Lynne shenfine, it sounds as though you don't think of Australia as your forever home, so it's not a question of "should we stay or go?", it's a case of "We're going to go home, so when is the best time?" 

I would say now is the best time, because your children are still young enough that it won't disrupt their education.  You could delay a bit longer, but I'd certainly be moving before your oldest child goes to secondary school.   But it may be better to do it earlier, before they've all had time to become little Aussies.  The more accustomed they get to Australia, the more likely they are to want to return as adults.   You don't want to find yourself in the position your parents are in now...

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Yup trial year is paying twice and for a working family, I should imagine very expensive. 

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No magic answers from me either I'm afraid.  We were even more spur of the moment than Very Stormy if that is possible - both coming and going!!!  We went on holiday in 2011 and the wheels fell off the parental wagon and we didnt return from the holiday until March this year when we decided on the Thursday we should escape "now" and we totally cleared out my dad's house, locked it up, spent Saturday night with our son and his family and flew on the Sunday (straight into 2 weeks isolation at home).  

For us it was a no brainer either decision.  My parents were at the beginning of the "not really coping" stage and I am an only child.  We returned to my home town where, of course, most of my friends had moved on so there was a big re-establishment phase which worked out brilliantly for me.  I made a wonderful group of new friends (my tribe, definitely) and we thoroughly enjoyed all that Britain had to offer although, as ever, there were things that were always going to happen "next time".  The past 9 years were just what I needed - I lost weight, gained health and fitness and truly belonged for the first time in over 3 decades.  

We've been back now since March, my dad, who was in a care home died last week so I have dealt with "the call" after all (didnt think that would happen).  I've spoken to just one friend since we've been back - my instigation and I needed a favour from her otherwise there was no response from any of my friends when I said we were back or my generic messages to them - still struggling to find my tribe back here that's for sure.  Interestingly, since dad has died that intense longing to be "home" has dissipated a bit but I realise that much of my belonging had to do with being with my own family, tiny as it is and I didnt like to think of my parents on their own even though they never ever pressured us into any decision.  We still have a son and a grandson there and I hope that the airlines will one day play ball and let us travel freely but for the meantime I'm not going anywhere and I dont really like it.  I dont enjoy Australia I'm afraid.  The colours are wrong for me, and the humour and the lack of variety in things that matter to me.  We managed the long sabbatical because we were almost retired and living on our super so finances weren't a huge issue.  Missing the granddaughters who live here was an issue but I know I am going to be screwed whichever country I end up in.

My advice, for what it is worth is get your citizenship, just in case.  Move before your kids are old enough to think that they may want to stay in Australia, or, even worse, some of them end up in UK and some of them end up in Australia.  Bath would seem to be a pretty perfect place to me to "end up" in - I can also recommend Cambridge and Addenbrookes is world class!!!!  On the plus side for you at the moment is that the Aussie dollar is doing well against the pound! It's been much much worse in the past.

I guess for everyone who returns and finds their belonging there is another who returns and thinks WTH have I done - I know there are even serial ping pongers who just never manage to settle anywhere ever because they are forever trying to compare the bad of the now with the good of the then!

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Definitely get your citizenship sorted. We see so many people on here regretting not doing so. You might feel now you won’t be back but you never know...... just do it. 

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So many wineries ......so little time :yes:

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37 minutes ago, Quoll said:

We've been back now since March, my dad, who was in a care home died last week so I have dealt with "the call" after all (didnt think that would happen).

So sorry to read of your lose Quoll ❤️ 

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Where we love is HOME...
HOME that our feet may leave,
But NOT our hearts...  Oliver Wendell Holmes  

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So sorry for your loss Quoll.

What a fantastic reply though. I think you summed up how I feel about Oz. I also agree that Bath is a beautiful part of the world and we could be very happy there if we are brave enough to make the move! Sending love xxx

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Posted (edited)
47 minutes ago, Lynne shenfine said:

So sorry for your loss Quoll.

What a fantastic reply though. I think you summed up how I feel about Oz. I also agree that Bath is a beautiful part of the world and we could be very happy there if we are brave enough to make the move! Sending love xxx

Why does it need bravery?  Maybe answering that question will help you decide. 

This may not be relevant to you, but sometimes the obstacles are more psychological than real.  For instance, deep down, you may feel that you put everyone through so much angst because moving to Australia was SO important to you, and now you're coming home after all - how embarrassing!  And you know there will be British friends who'll say, "but how could you leave that life?  What a dream! You must be crazy!"  - because to Brits, Australia is a land of golden sand and endless sun and they  have no idea.  Don't let either of those things put you off.

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Sorry to hear about your dad Quoll. And can you even go to the funeral in these times?

Hubbies dad is in UK and just out of a six week hospital/rehab/hospital/rehab situation. Very frail. We are braced for the call. We had planned to go and see him but not possible now 
 

 

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So many wineries ......so little time :yes:

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33 minutes ago, rammygirl said:

Sorry to hear about your dad Quoll. And can you even go to the funeral in these times?

Hubbies dad is in UK and just out of a six week hospital/rehab/hospital/rehab situation. Very frail. We are braced for the call. We had planned to go and see him but not possible now 
 

 

Not wanting to hijack here but, no, not really an option for us with isolation coming and going, even if we can get a plane flight.  My son is doing it all, bless him.  There can only be 15 for a graveside service basically.  I hope your FiL improves - the call is not a very pleasant experience whichever way it turns out!

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9 hours ago, Lynne shenfine said:

Hi everyone. 

This is my first post on this forum, however, I have been reading for a few weeks and have found it to be extremely interesting and helpful.

This could be a very, very long post but i will give a little bit of background and cut to the chase! I am Scottish and we are known for waffling on!

My husband and i emigrated to Adelaide from Newcastle upon Tyne in March 2013. His family all live in the north of England and my family in the  highlands of Scotland. My husband had spent time in Oz during his training in both Melbourne and Brisbane for a year at a time (we are going back around 25 years!) He said Australia got under his skin and despite landing an excellent job in the U.K he never quite settled and dreamed of going back. He was previously married with a daughter when we met. A fantastic opportunity arose in Adelaide so we decided to go for it knowing we could travel and visit family and we could go home if it didn't work out. We had to give it a go or spend the rest of our lives wondering what if?

We left with our nine month old daughter and our second daughter was born three months after we landed. Our children are now 8,7 and we have a 3 year old too. Our families supported us but were equally heartbroken which we never really talk about!

My husband had been travelling twice a year to see his now teenage daughter and she had come to visit us too as she was getting older. I have never been back since we emigrated as my mum and dad were coming out at least twice a year and I wanted to wait until our children were a bit older before we made the trip. That was meant to be this year! Obviously Covid  has pretty much put paid to all of that in the near future and we are left wondering what now???? My husband id devastated at the thought of not seeing his daughter. Despite the distance they are very close (we all are!) and we have . done an amazing job of maintaining the relationship via visits and weekly FaceTime video chats and phone calls. My mum and I are also very close and I phone her every day but its just not the same.

Life is good here. My husband is a consultant surgeon due to come a professor very soon, loves his public job and his colleagues and has a thriving private practice. We live in a beautiful house with a pool close to the beach and  our older girls go to the local school where they are happy. I am a nurse but don't work so I am home with the kids. We have friends but haven't really found our tribe. We also have two dogs and a cat which we adore! We are permanent residents but haven't gone for citizenship yet.....stupid we know!

But............

It all looks great on paper, however, we spent most of 2019 VERY unsettled. We talked constantly about family and going home. At this point our parents were ageing and becoming less able to travel. My husbands family, including his beautiful 80 year old mum, and the majority of my family have never met our two youngest children. Hubbys trips back to the UK were beginning to take its toll as all his holidays were spent travelling home while i stayed here with the kids and no support network just praying there wouldn't be a disaster while he was away! 

We do love Adelaide, however, have issues. the summer is brutal and I often find the kids and I are confined to a fairly indoor lifestyle during the summer school holidays. My husband earns well but despite gruelling hours between tax and cost of living we aren't much better off than when he worked in the NHS!  His private work also buys him body and soul but it is very much something you are expected to do here.  We feel extremely isolated from the rest of the world and are beginning to regret coming here. 

My husband applied for a few jobs last year but we pulled out thinking that equally we would be insane to leave. I should probably add that my husband is 50 and Im 41 so the thought of starting again is daunting.

We pulled out of the jobs thinking as long as we can travel we can probably cope. Then covid happened.

We are genuinely now torn every single day as to what to do. Every time we say we will stay literally within 24 hours one of us has changed their mind! 

Its become all consuming and we feel we can't move on with life. We are also acutely aware that time is not on our side with regards to our childrens education, and friendships and our ages.

We just can't shake the feeling that our Aussie dream has run  its course. We miss our families and feel we are denying our children contact with them and in particular their  big sister.

My husband has applied for a job in Bath which he is discussing with his ex UK colleague this weekend to see if it would be suitable.

However we are also worried that going back won't be what we think it. That we are rose tinting it and we won't see as much of our families as we think or that UK winters are far more miserable than we remember! It would be a one way trip for us. If we went back we wouldn't come back to Oz again for by the financial implications we couldn't put our families through the heartbreak again. We haven't even discussed this with our families as we  don't want to get their hopes up!

It really is an impossible decision with no right or wrong answer. 

ANY words of understanding or wisdom would be so appreciated.

Thank you if you have read this far and i hope you and your families are safe and well wherever in the world you are.

P.S told you i could talk!!

 

 

 

 

Lynne - best of luck with your decision , on where to live , if you return to the u.k - choose wisely .

It appears most of the returnees , who return to Scotland,  appear to be the happiest ?


BUT I DONT FEEL AFRAID

AS LONG AS I GAZE AT

WATERLOO SUNSET

IAM IN PARADISE

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4 hours ago, Quoll said:

No magic answers from me either I'm afraid.  We were even more spur of the moment than Very Stormy if that is possible - both coming and going!!!  We went on holiday in 2011 and the wheels fell off the parental wagon and we didnt return from the holiday until March this year when we decided on the Thursday we should escape "now" and we totally cleared out my dad's house, locked it up, spent Saturday night with our son and his family and flew on the Sunday (straight into 2 weeks isolation at home).  

For us it was a no brainer either decision.  My parents were at the beginning of the "not really coping" stage and I am an only child.  We returned to my home town where, of course, most of my friends had moved on so there was a big re-establishment phase which worked out brilliantly for me.  I made a wonderful group of new friends (my tribe, definitely) and we thoroughly enjoyed all that Britain had to offer although, as ever, there were things that were always going to happen "next time".  The past 9 years were just what I needed - I lost weight, gained health and fitness and truly belonged for the first time in over 3 decades.  

We've been back now since March, my dad, who was in a care home died last week so I have dealt with "the call" after all (didnt think that would happen).  I've spoken to just one friend since we've been back - my instigation and I needed a favour from her otherwise there was no response from any of my friends when I said we were back or my generic messages to them - still struggling to find my tribe back here that's for sure.  Interestingly, since dad has died that intense longing to be "home" has dissipated a bit but I realise that much of my belonging had to do with being with my own family, tiny as it is and I didnt like to think of my parents on their own even though they never ever pressured us into any decision.  We still have a son and a grandson there and I hope that the airlines will one day play ball and let us travel freely but for the meantime I'm not going anywhere and I dont really like it.  I dont enjoy Australia I'm afraid.  The colours are wrong for me, and the humour and the lack of variety in things that matter to me.  We managed the long sabbatical because we were almost retired and living on our super so finances weren't a huge issue.  Missing the granddaughters who live here was an issue but I know I am going to be screwed whichever country I end up in.

My advice, for what it is worth is get your citizenship, just in case.  Move before your kids are old enough to think that they may want to stay in Australia, or, even worse, some of them end up in UK and some of them end up in Australia.  Bath would seem to be a pretty perfect place to me to "end up" in - I can also recommend Cambridge and Addenbrookes is world class!!!!  On the plus side for you at the moment is that the Aussie dollar is doing well against the pound! It's been much much worse in the past.

I guess for everyone who returns and finds their belonging there is another who returns and thinks WTH have I done - I know there are even serial ping pongers who just never manage to settle anywhere ever because they are forever trying to compare the bad of the now with the good of the then!

God bless you quoll - I hope it all works out for you over in oz .

Things are tightening up here now , on the work front , for me , personally .

Mom is 92 , and needs us increasingly - thank god , we are here .

Strange situation on the work front - as most of my mates , in various trades , are mega busy.

Thankfully , my daughters have , as near as damn it - " jobs for life " , in the same role .

The youngest got her job , just before lockdown , and is working from home .

You do worry about the children though - my daughter is 20 , went to a good school - went to 6th form , got her a levels .

Some of her classmates are doing well - some are doing very well , and some are already into a drug habit - and you would never have picked it .

Loving parents with good secure jobs , trying to bring them up the right way , and they are already going off the rails - very sad .

Anyway , I digress .

All the best quoll - always good to here your bits of wisdom .

 

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BUT I DONT FEEL AFRAID

AS LONG AS I GAZE AT

WATERLOO SUNSET

IAM IN PARADISE

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P.s - the one thing that swings it for us , staying here in the u.k - right now ( besides sn ageing mother ) , is the proximity to Europe,  and i dont mean two weeks in benidorm ,once a year .

We have been through ups and downs since we came back .

But the one thing iam eternally grateful for , is that we have been able to see europe and all it has to offer .

It has it all .

 

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BUT I DONT FEEL AFRAID

AS LONG AS I GAZE AT

WATERLOO SUNSET

IAM IN PARADISE

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20 hours ago, bunbury61 said:

God bless you quoll - I hope it all works out for you over in oz .

Things are tightening up here now , on the work front , for me , personally .

Mom is 92 , and needs us increasingly - thank god , we are here .

Strange situation on the work front - as most of my mates , in various trades , are mega busy.

Thankfully , my daughters have , as near as damn it - " jobs for life " , in the same role .

The youngest got her job , just before lockdown , and is working from home .

You do worry about the children though - my daughter is 20 , went to a good school - went to 6th form , got her a levels .

Some of her classmates are doing well - some are doing very well , and some are already into a drug habit - and you would never have picked it .

Loving parents with good secure jobs , trying to bring them up the right way , and they are already going off the rails - very sad .

Anyway , I digress .

All the best quoll - always good to here your bits of wisdom .

 

In addition to my post yesterday about the children - who are not children anymore .

Rather , prophetic - we had a call this morning - one of my elder daughters friends , a lovely lad - affectionate , from a good family , who was always a troubled soul .

He caused his parents many sleepless nights- has just been found dead from substance abuse - very sad 

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BUT I DONT FEEL AFRAID

AS LONG AS I GAZE AT

WATERLOO SUNSET

IAM IN PARADISE

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On 10/7/2020 at 05:12, Lynne shenfine said:

Hi everyone. 

This is my first post on this forum, however, I have been reading for a few weeks and have found it to be extremely interesting and helpful.

This could be a very, very long post but i will give a little bit of background and cut to the chase! I am Scottish and we are known for waffling on!

My husband and i emigrated to Adelaide from Newcastle upon Tyne in March 2013. His family all live in the north of England and my family in the  highlands of Scotland. My husband had spent time in Oz during his training in both Melbourne and Brisbane for a year at a time (we are going back around 25 years!) He said Australia got under his skin and despite landing an excellent job in the U.K he never quite settled and dreamed of going back. He was previously married with a daughter when we met. A fantastic opportunity arose in Adelaide so we decided to go for it knowing we could travel and visit family and we could go home if it didn't work out. We had to give it a go or spend the rest of our lives wondering what if?

We left with our nine month old daughter and our second daughter was born three months after we landed. Our children are now 8,7 and we have a 3 year old too. Our families supported us but were equally heartbroken which we never really talk about!

My husband had been travelling twice a year to see his now teenage daughter and she had come to visit us too as she was getting older. I have never been back since we emigrated as my mum and dad were coming out at least twice a year and I wanted to wait until our children were a bit older before we made the trip. That was meant to be this year! Obviously Covid  has pretty much put paid to all of that in the near future and we are left wondering what now???? My husband id devastated at the thought of not seeing his daughter. Despite the distance they are very close (we all are!) and we have . done an amazing job of maintaining the relationship via visits and weekly FaceTime video chats and phone calls. My mum and I are also very close and I phone her every day but its just not the same.

Life is good here. My husband is a consultant surgeon due to come a professor very soon, loves his public job and his colleagues and has a thriving private practice. We live in a beautiful house with a pool close to the beach and  our older girls go to the local school where they are happy. I am a nurse but don't work so I am home with the kids. We have friends but haven't really found our tribe. We also have two dogs and a cat which we adore! We are permanent residents but haven't gone for citizenship yet.....stupid we know!

But............

It all looks great on paper, however, we spent most of 2019 VERY unsettled. We talked constantly about family and going home. At this point our parents were ageing and becoming less able to travel. My husbands family, including his beautiful 80 year old mum, and the majority of my family have never met our two youngest children. Hubbys trips back to the UK were beginning to take its toll as all his holidays were spent travelling home while i stayed here with the kids and no support network just praying there wouldn't be a disaster while he was away! 

We do love Adelaide, however, have issues. the summer is brutal and I often find the kids and I are confined to a fairly indoor lifestyle during the summer school holidays. My husband earns well but despite gruelling hours between tax and cost of living we aren't much better off than when he worked in the NHS!  His private work also buys him body and soul but it is very much something you are expected to do here.  We feel extremely isolated from the rest of the world and are beginning to regret coming here. 

My husband applied for a few jobs last year but we pulled out thinking that equally we would be insane to leave. I should probably add that my husband is 50 and Im 41 so the thought of starting again is daunting.

We pulled out of the jobs thinking as long as we can travel we can probably cope. Then covid happened.

We are genuinely now torn every single day as to what to do. Every time we say we will stay literally within 24 hours one of us has changed their mind! 

Its become all consuming and we feel we can't move on with life. We are also acutely aware that time is not on our side with regards to our childrens education, and friendships and our ages.

We just can't shake the feeling that our Aussie dream has run  its course. We miss our families and feel we are denying our children contact with them and in particular their  big sister.

My husband has applied for a job in Bath which he is discussing with his ex UK colleague this weekend to see if it would be suitable.

However we are also worried that going back won't be what we think it. That we are rose tinting it and we won't see as much of our families as we think or that UK winters are far more miserable than we remember! It would be a one way trip for us. If we went back we wouldn't come back to Oz again for by the financial implications we couldn't put our families through the heartbreak again. We haven't even discussed this with our families as we  don't want to get their hopes up!

It really is an impossible decision with no right or wrong answer. 

ANY words of understanding or wisdom would be so appreciated.

Thank you if you have read this far and i hope you and your families are safe and well wherever in the world you are.

P.S told you i could talk!!

 

 

 

 

Just random thoughts, getting back his seniority and reputation in the UK could be quite difficult and time consuming, my wifes fathe was a maths professor in Melbourne and tried to return to the UK and found it difficult to break into academia in the UK and gave up, I know I am talking 30 years ago but I wonder whether it still applies.

The infrastructure in the UK feels worn out and the winters are pretty grim

This might be helpful in assessing how the UK is going

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/jul/09/rishinomics-centralisation-government-local-communities-rishi-sunak-britain-whitehall

I would recommend what I have said on another thread in last couple of days, start to read the top end uk papers on line, there are different thoughts about increases in taxation, cuts in govt spending to balance the books,rumours a round  centralised control of the NHS once more, also check out how much money you can put into a NHS or private pension.check out education, it is a minefield at all ages, nuresries are closing all over they can't make it pay, university education is going back to the '70's where only a few universities are putting on worthwhile degrees with good quality staff, many are being run as degree mills using every possible trick to reduce costs and relying on overseas students because the can be charged higher fees.

The country feels very segmented, very much run for the benefit of the better off and they are predominately in the SE

In my opinion, as an ex RICS  building surveyor we have the lowest quality and lowest space standard housing in Europe and the govt are about to change regulations yet again on planning and standards once again

I leave it up to yourselves but hopefully some of the tint is cleared

 

 

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On 10/7/2020 at 05:12, Lynne shenfine said:

Hi everyone. 

This is my first post on this forum, however, I have been reading for a few weeks and have found it to be extremely interesting and helpful.

I

 

ANY words of understanding or wisdom would be so appreciated.

Thank you if you have read this far and i hope you and your families are safe and well wherever in the world you are.

P.S told you i could talk!!

 

 

 

 

My post should have read

  " rumours are around of the govt centralising control of the NHS once again"

I wonder whether getting some facts at your finger tips would help you to decide whether your decision is going to be factually based or on feelings alone and how much you are going to let feelings dictate things.

 

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I really feel your pain. My partner and I moved to QLD five years ago for a two year adventure with a 4 and 6 year old. I was always very clear this was a short term thing and I had no intention of staying in Aus. After three years I told my partner I wanted to returned to the UK and he refused and has made me feel like I am a terrible, selfish person for wanting to leave. He has agreed to leave a number of times but was horrible to me and then changed his mind each time. He hates me because I want to go home and it will ruin his plan. His work is tough in the UK and I understand that. I finally got him to agree to leave in April this year and then Covid happened and I felt we should delay a few weeks. As we are PRs we can't leave now and he is using the COVID situation to add weight to his arguement - which of course it does. I feel totally miserable and trapped and really worried about returning and my (now 7 and 11 year old) kids hating me for dragging them back. They always liked the UK and know it well but my partner keeps telling them how bad it is there, so they are scared. My parents are in bad health and living alone and my son is due to start secondary school in September and I risk losing a good school place for him. I feel my only option is to try and get home as soon as possible, despite my citizenship application (Oct 2019) being put in jeopardy if I do and despite the UK Covid situation.

I know loads of people are in a situation. Just wanted to share my story.

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4 hours ago, Hayley Gee said:

I really feel your pain. My partner and I moved to QLD five years ago for a two year adventure with a 4 and 6 year old. I was always very clear this was a short term thing and I had no intention of staying in Aus. After three years I told my partner I wanted to returned to the UK and he refused and has made me feel like I am a terrible, selfish person for wanting to leave. He has agreed to leave a number of times but was horrible to me and then changed his mind each time. He hates me because I want to go home and it will ruin his plan. His work is tough in the UK and I understand that. I finally got him to agree to leave in April this year and then Covid happened and I felt we should delay a few weeks. As we are PRs we can't leave now and he is using the COVID situation to add weight to his arguement - which of course it does. I feel totally miserable and trapped and really worried about returning and my (now 7 and 11 year old) kids hating me for dragging them back. They always liked the UK and know it well but my partner keeps telling them how bad it is there, so they are scared. My parents are in bad health and living alone and my son is due to start secondary school in September and I risk losing a good school place for him. I feel my only option is to try and get home as soon as possible, despite my citizenship application (Oct 2019) being put in jeopardy if I do and despite the UK Covid situation.

I know loads of people are in a situation. Just wanted to share my story.

So sorry to hear that you've had the goalposts changed on you.  It sounds like your OH really isnt going to move, is he? Good luck getting your kids back home - has he agreed, even if you can find a flight?  The darned Hague Convention can put a real spoke in your wheels if he says no at the last minute!

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