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Gill15

Bad timing or big mistake

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We have only been in Oz for 5 months and are considering moving home. I am as happy here as I was in UK albeit in a worse ‘work/life’ balance job, however my husband is deeply unhappy here. He misses the social life we had, his family and misses enjoying his work (outdoors and really struggled with the heat here).

I also have 2 children (14,11) who would jump at the chance to return to UK. They had settled into school (pre covid-19) but don’t have any friends and miss their friends in UK loads. 
 

We gave up everything to come here, have no savings (could just afford the move back) and would rely on staying with family for a long while before being able to re establish ourselves. 
 

My biggest fear is that it’s just been bad timing but due to only being here on a temp visa we couldn’t return and the chance at Australian life would be over.

All opinions gratefully received  

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5 months is a very short time, and now would be a really bad time to return to the U.K, maybe you could treat the next 18 moths or so as a kind of working holiday , in the meantime try do all the great things there are to do in Australia , they may still want to come home after that, they may not, if they do, then you will need to have that conversation, I'm guessing he is feeling trapped right now, maybe he could relax and enjoy things a bit more if you reassured him it doesn't have to be forever,  even if you do come back after a couple of years, you can do it knowing you gave it a good go. 

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. 

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If he was in the UK right now he wouldn’t have a social life and the kids wouldn’t be at school so two of the prime problems are not pertinent.

Your husband may have more chance keeping his job here at the moment too and if he works outdoors then he will find the next 7 months better than the first 5 months for sure because winter is coming.

This pandemic situation is not going away for a very long time.  If you have your health and you have jobs then you are way luckier than a great many people right now.  Perhaps get your family to focus on the positives of your situation.

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As your visa is only temporary its going to come to an end anyway. Covid certainly isn't making things easier for you but I guess it comes down to his much of your life could you reclaim if you went back now vs the end of your visa - and that's a rather large unknown  given the virus. The other thing would be your eldest child's education - hopping on and off the GSCE merry go round isn't always easy and maybe your eldest could go back first, if and when school actually starts again.

Under normal circumstances I'd say cut your losses and reclaim your lives, one first world country is much like any other but today's circumstances are far from normal and what is apparently a situational depression for your DH is being exacerbated by an abnormal life event. 

Good luck with your decision - there isn't a right /wrong answer here.

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If your husband is deeply unhappy, then chances are that it's not just a question of missing social life and friends. It's something much deeper and it will get worse, not better.

There are some people (like you and me) who can live in any country in the world and be happy, provided they have a nice life. But actually, I think we're in the minority. Most people have a fundamental attachment to their homeland and will never be 100% happy living anywhere else.  Often they can't put their finger on it, they just know they feel a yearning that won't go away.  Men, in particular, will feel a bit silly expressing that, so they'll talk about missing the pub, or start nitpicking to find silly faults with their new country.  

I know it sounds weird and it took me a long time to accept that such people weren't just making it up.  What convinced me was seeing people on these forums, so heartsick that they're contemplating leaving their wife and kids, or taking anti-depressants, or having suicidal thoughts. 

Why don't we hear about this more?  We don't hear about it because it would never occur to those  "homebodies" to emigrate in the first place.  But then they get married to someone like you or me and get caught up in a new adventure, not suspecting how awful they're going to feel.

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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4 hours ago, Quoll said:

As your visa is only temporary its going to come to an end anyway. Covid certainly isn't making things easier for you but I guess it comes down to his much of your life could you reclaim if you went back now vs the end of your visa - and that's a rather large unknown  given the virus. The other thing would be your eldest child's education - hopping on and off the GSCE merry go round isn't always easy and maybe your eldest could go back first, if and when school actually starts again.

Under normal circumstances I'd say cut your losses and reclaim your lives, one first world country is much like any other but today's circumstances are far from normal and what is apparently a situational depression for your DH is being exacerbated by an abnormal life event. 

Good luck with your decision - there isn't a right /wrong answer here.

Although we are on a temp visa it would lead to permanent after 2 years of meeting the restrictions so it was never the plan to return to the UK.

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8 minutes ago, Gill15 said:

Although we are on a temp visa it would lead to permanent after 2 years of meeting the restrictions so it was never the plan to return to the UK.

Aha, not necessarily.  Rules change all the time and it is quite possible that it would never be more than temporary. A lot of people have been caught out by that.

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2 hours ago, Marisawright said:

If your husband is deeply unhappy, then chances are that it's not just a question of missing social life and friends. It's something much deeper and it will get worse, not better.

There are some people (like you and me) who can live in any country in the world and be happy, provided they have a nice life. But actually, I think we're in the minority. Most people have a fundamental attachment to their homeland and will never be 100% happy living anywhere else.  Often they can't put their finger on it, they just know they feel a yearning that won't go away.  Men, in particular, will feel a bit silly expressing that, so they'll talk about missing the pub, or start nitpicking to find silly faults with their new country.  

I know it sounds weird and it took me a long time to accept that such people weren't just making it up.  What convinced me was seeing people on these forums, so heartsick that they're contemplating leaving their wife and kids, or taking anti-depressants, or having suicidal thoughts. 

Why don't we hear about this more?  We don't hear about it because it would never occur to those  "homebodies" to emigrate in the first place.  But then they get married to someone like you or me and get caught up in a new adventure, not suspecting how awful they're going to feel.

This is so right.  I'm an essential pragmatist but had no clue about the impact of situational (exogenous) depression until it hit me. I agree, if he is deeply unhappy at only 5 months, it's not likely to get much better unfortunately

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6 hours ago, Gill15 said:

We have only been in Oz for 5 months and are considering moving home. I am as happy here as I was in UK albeit in a worse ‘work/life’ balance job, however my husband is deeply unhappy here. He misses the social life we had, his family and misses enjoying his work (outdoors and really struggled with the heat here).

I also have 2 children (14,11) who would jump at the chance to return to UK. They had settled into school (pre covid-19) but don’t have any friends and miss their friends in UK loads. 
 

We gave up everything to come here, have no savings (could just afford the move back) and would rely on staying with family for a long while before being able to re establish ourselves. 
 

My biggest fear is that it’s just been bad timing but due to only being here on a temp visa we couldn’t return and the chance at Australian life would be over.

All opinions gratefully received  

Sorry to hear your husband is struggling. Emigrating is a very big life change, and the unprecedented way the world  we all find ourselves in just now, must make it worse.. I don’t know where you are or what visa you are on, or the conditions,  but like others have said, if he can hold out, he is in a job at the moment which is a good position to be in, in the present climate.

no one knows what changes if any there might be to visas over the next few years. In the years I have been on PIO, there have been so many posts similar to yours, some have left and it was the right decision, others have regretted leaving, Everyone has to make their own decision. If one member of the family is deeply unhappy, then other family members pick up on it obviously and if also struggling makes them more unhappy.

Due to my husband’s job, we had to move every 2 years, for  many years, including leaving our 3 behind in England. I would be lying if I said it was easy but all 3 survived and made friends in most places. I know it’s easy to say it’s early days, children are resilient, your husband might find the winter months easier. Do keep trying to talk to him, men react very differently to women, you might have to accept Australia is not the place for you all, but talk it through and keep talking.

Please stay on PIO, even if you just want to share how you are feeling. Wish you well.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Gill15 said:

Although we are on a temp visa it would lead to permanent after 2 years of meeting the restrictions so it was never the plan to return to the UK.

I'm afraid that was a bit optimistic.   After the 2 years, there is a possibility that you might be eligible to apply for PR, if your employer is still willing to sponsor you.  The process is uncertain and stressful and even if you seem to meet all the criteria,  there's a high rate of rejections.  

Just to be clear, these temp visas are designed to let employers fill a temporary shortage of staff.  The government doesn't want the employer to make you permanent - they're hoping there will be a local who can fill the role by the time your contract is up. So the transition to PR is offered grudgingly and they're making it even more difficult every year. Who knows what it will be like in two years' time?

In years gone by, the chances of success were much higher, so you've probably heard of plenty people who did it - but that was then.  Nowadays it's not nearly so easy for the reasons mentioned.   That's why we always advise people to assume their temporary visa is just a temporary adventure and plan accordingly, and then if they do manage to get PR, it's a bonus.  It sounds like you weren't made aware of that, which is a pity.  

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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29 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

I'm afraid that was a bit optimistic.   After the 2 years, there is a possibility that you might be eligible to apply for PR, if your employer is still willing to sponsor you.  The process is uncertain and stressful and even if you seem to meet all the criteria,  there's a high rate of rejections.  

Just to be clear, these temp visas are designed to let employers fill a temporary shortage of staff.  The government doesn't want the employer to make you permanent - they're hoping there will be a local who can fill the role by the time your contract is up. So the transition to PR is offered grudgingly and they're making it even more difficult every year. Who knows what it will be like in two years' time?

In years gone by, the chances of success were much higher, so you've probably heard of plenty people who did it - but that was then.  Nowadays it's not nearly so easy for the reasons mentioned.   That's why we always advise people to assume their temporary visa is just a temporary adventure and plan accordingly, and then if they do manage to get PR, it's a bonus.  It sounds like you weren't made aware of that, which is a pity.  

We are here on a state sponsored regional 489 visa not employer sponsored, with route to PR 887

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11 minutes ago, Gill15 said:

We are here on a state sponsored regional 489 visa not employer sponsored, with route to PR 887

Thats not a temporary visa, it's a provisional visa, different thing altogether.

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55 minutes ago, Quoll said:

Thats not a temporary visa, it's a provisional visa, different thing altogether.

Google says it is . It says '' a temporary visa for skilled workers who want to live and work in regional Australia.

I think it always pays to find out the exact visa someone has before scaring the hell out of them.

 

  Cal x

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If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place...

If you get a chance,take it, If it changes your life,let it. Nobody said it would be easy they just said it would be worth it...

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, calNgary said:

Google says it is . It says '' a temporary visa for skilled workers who want to live and work in regional Australia.

I think it always pays to find out the exact visa someone has before scaring the hell out of them.

 

  Cal x

If OP has been here for 5 months, their visa was granted  prior to 16 Nov 2019, on which date the status of the visa changed.

Before this date, the 489 was " a 4-year provisional visa which requires holders to live and work in a regional area to obtain permanent residence. "

So you're correct, it pays to find out the exact visa somebody has.

Edited by Sloth

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3 hours ago, Gill15 said:

We are here on a state sponsored regional 489 visa not employer sponsored, with route to PR 887

I beg your pardon, the mention of 2 years led me to make a wrong assumption 


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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It would be very hard to make friends and feel comfortable here as a new migrant just now. I really feel for people in that position and we can all hope things will improve in the foreseeable future. Whether this is the case with your husband I don’t know but maybe pointing that out to him might help ?

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