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sazm2k12

How to make the decision to stay or go

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My husband and I have been in Oz for 10 years this year. Overall we have a lovely life here (it’s taken time), we bought a house in 2017 and welcomed our baby girl in 2018. The tug has always been there to move back home but lately it has gotten so much stronger and I’m not coping well as a sleep deprived mother without my family close by.

I just wondered how you made the decision to move? My husband wants to wait another 4 years but for me that is too long to be unhappy. 
 

I’ve really struggled with the transition to being a mum without my own mum close by. The guilt of being so far away is also quite terrible and how much they are missing out on. On the other hand I didn’t particularly love life in the UK and I know Australia offers us a lot and our baby girl is thriving here. I have tried hard to make new friends and I do have some good friends here but it’s not the same as my family.

Id love to hear from anyone who has been through this or has any advice?

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If you can't bear the thought of four years, then what's the point of putting it off for even one more day?   If you're going to have to start again in the UK, then the sooner the better.  

Pardon me if I'm cynical, but I've seen your husband's reaction so many times before.   Often, the "wait a few more years" idea is because he's hoping your feelings are "just" new mum's blues, and once you "get over it" and pull yourself together, you'll be delighted to stay in Australia for the rest of your life. 

If you'd never felt the tug to move back before the birth, I'd be suggesting you give it time.  But if you've always felt that hankering, then I'd be doubtful it will go away.  

I suggest arranging some counselling for yourself as a first step.  It gives you an impartial shoulder to cry on, if nothing else.  Who knows, maybe it is just baby blues - but the counselling will help you work that out.  Then, once you know your own mind, you can get your husband to come along - it will be easier to arrive at a decision with an impartial referee.

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Thank you Marisa. Have you made the move back yourself? My baby is almost 2 now and it has been very very tough. I am going to seek help from a counsellor but I agree with you. My husband gets long service leave in 4 years but really I don’t think it’s worth 4 years of unhappiness for a small amount of money. 

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47 minutes ago, sazm2k12 said:

Thank you Marisa. Have you made the move back yourself? My baby is almost 2 now and it has been very very tough. I am going to seek help from a counsellor but I agree with you. My husband gets long service leave in 4 years but really I don’t think it’s worth 4 years of unhappiness for a small amount of money. 

No, I'm lucky that I settled happily in Australia from the start.  However, some people, like your husband and me, are  never bothered by the fact that our homeland and family are thousands of miles away. It's not a conscious decision, it's in our nature.  That's why we make good migrants. 

However I think we're a minority in this world.  Most people feel an attachment to the country they were born in, and an attachment to their family.  They generally don't make good migrants, because their hankering to be back "home" tends to get worse over the years. 

The difficulty arises when those two different kinds of people get married to each other!   It's hard for you to understand how your husband can be so unfeeling not to miss the land of his birth, while he thinks you're being a real wuss wanting your mama.  It took me a long time to appreciate how deep homesickness can run and how desperate the yearning can get.  Your husband doesn't get it and it may take a professional to explain it to him.

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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I would maybe seek some councilling but without your hubby commenting i do think its unfair to throw him under the bus and he certainly doesnt come across as unfeeling, more just being cautious from what you have wrote. He has offered to try moving back in 4 years when he is on long service leave and in all honesty thats what lots of members on the forum are advised to do, rather than jumping in feet first and selling up for good, only to then move and maybe regret it and not be able to return financially. Have you been back to the UK since bub was born? or have your parents visited you here?

Overall, I think he is being sensible about the situation, if you have already been here 10 years and only got the strong desire to return home since Bub was born, he may well be putting it down to baby blues, he is a guy and won't understand how our hormones go off the radar or our priorities change after pregnancy,lol. HOWEVER does he truly know how badly this is affecting you now ?  Have you sat and had a good hear to heart and done some research into a move back? (can he get a job quickly to support you both? will the house sell and pay off the mortgage ? does he get on with the in laws and want to live close to them? etc etc) It is worth asking him to see a Dr with you as if he is just putting it down to baby blues, he needs to understand and hear clearly from a professional if it isnt so you can make plans to move forward and better your health. Everyone deserves to be happy and having a new bub is a testing time so i wish you luck and hope the 3 of you find happiness together, which ever country you end up in.

  Cal x


If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place...

If you get a chance,take it, If it changes your life,let it. Nobody said it would be easy they just said it would be worth it...

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Whatever you do decide get citizenship if you don’t already have it.  Your child has dual citizenship and so should you.  So many people have posted regrets about not securing citizenship before returning to the UK as they often find themselves unable to return to Australia, unlike their children. 

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So many wineries ......so little time :yes:

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5 hours ago, sazm2k12 said:

Thank you Marisa. Have you made the move back yourself? My baby is almost 2 now and it has been very very tough. I am going to seek help from a counsellor but I agree with you. My husband gets long service leave in 4 years but really I don’t think it’s worth 4 years of unhappiness for a small amount of money. 

It’s a very difficult one as it’s only one party that is unhappy. Would your husband be unhappy if you returned to the UK and if the answer is yes then there’s no right answer here. He’s not said a definite no never and he could.  He’s suggested a time that fits with his job. Sure he could well be dragging it out in the hope you get over it but he has offered something. I think counselling is a good idea. You say yourself that overall you’ve had a very happy life there so it’s sad you’re feeling like this.  I get your feelings may have changed since having your daughter and I’m sure your husband gets that too. It may not be enough to change his mind though. Someone has to give up something here, not a nice place to be in, I wish you well.  

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10 hours ago, sazm2k12 said:

My husband and I have been in Oz for 10 years this year. Overall we have a lovely life here (it’s taken time), we bought a house in 2017 and welcomed our baby girl in 2018. The tug has always been there to move back home but lately it has gotten so much stronger and I’m not coping well as a sleep deprived mother without my family close by.

I just wondered how you made the decision to move? My husband wants to wait another 4 years but for me that is too long to be unhappy. 
 

I’ve really struggled with the transition to being a mum without my own mum close by. The guilt of being so far away is also quite terrible and how much they are missing out on. On the other hand I didn’t particularly love life in the UK and I know Australia offers us a lot and our baby girl is thriving here. I have tried hard to make new friends and I do have some good friends here but it’s not the same as my family.

Id love to hear from anyone who has been through this or has any advice?

I think it’s exactly as you described it, the feeling gets so strong like a seed is planted. Once that happens, it’s just the matter of time before you come home.  You sort of feel it in the pit of your stomach that it’s time to go. Family are everything especially when you have children. Having family around you is something that will help you and your partner no end. Also, I would think that when kids get older the UK just has so much more happening for them socially. Honestly if I was a teen out there I think it could be a bit dull, compared to the teen years we got to enjoy.  Coming back home in many cases takes time to adjust to, but our families were over the moon we came home, and really helped us settle in very quickly. Take the positive attitude with you that you will make the best of it no matter what. In our case we didn’t like it much at the start but we had no home to go back to and just sort of got on with it somehow. We are well settled and happy in UK now.  If you have that gut feeling to go and be with your loved ones, just do it.  Don’t miss years that you can never get back. One of our regrets was that some elderly relatives died when we were away and we were not with them in their last years. Aunties and uncles who watched over us as kids gave us so much love and helped shape our minds and lives.  Feel so bad about that to this day.

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I agree with the counselling - always a good start even if it's just to give you strategies to cope day to day. 

I do see what the others are saying about the pragmatic "wait until LSL" but what you might well find is that when you get to that point your baby will be a year into school and "it'll be hard for them to move school /country" - there will be a very reasonable rationale for staying just a little bit longer. We always went with the pragmatic decision and i ended up where I didn't want to be because we had passed the point of no return. Its so very easy and comfortable to do that - back then, I didn't hate Australia, we were doing well, the kids were OK, our jobs were good, we knew folk but it wasn't where I wanted to be forever.

Your DH might be able to apply for a career break - that'd be even better than LSL because it would be for 12 months rather  than the LSL 3/12, that'd enable you to move sooner and maybe in time for you to have a second child if that is on your horizon.

Anyway, with luck, counselling will help you cope a bit better. Won't solve the problem but it might give you some clarity about where your see your future.  Good luck!

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Thank you everyone, I appreciate the feedback. My husband wants to be back in the UK eventually as he misses lots about England. He is just more head and I am more heart. He wants to save money and work towards it whereas I would rather just get on with it. We don’t really have any savings and own a house in Oz so me just wanting to get on with it probably isn’t very well thought out unless we have jobs lined up.

I just don’t think I’ll ever fully be happy here and never fully able to put roots down as I’ll always be thinking what if we move back. My parents aren’t getting any younger too and I want my daughter to grow up around her family as I had a big family growing up and lots of lovely memories.

 

For those who moved back, did you get a job first? Do you mind me asking how much you saved? We could live with my parents at least temporarily.

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35 minutes ago, sazm2k12 said:

My husband wants to be back in the UK eventually as he misses lots about England. He is just more head and I am more heart. He wants to save money and work towards it whereas I would rather just get on with it.

For those who moved back, did you get a job first? Do you mind me asking how much you saved? We could live with my parents at least temporarily.

It's reassuring to hear that your husband also wants to move back.   I know four years seems like a long time, but if you know that light is there at the end of the tunnel, perhaps you could deal with it, if you get a counsellor to help you?  

It may help if you don't think of it as "waiting four years".  Think of it as "spending the next four years saving and planning for the move".  A sense of purpose can help carry you through.   Tell your parents and all your friends and family that you'll be back in 2024.  That makes it feel more real, which will help you and them, and give you all something to look forward to.  It also makes it easier to stick to the date, if your husband starts having second thoughts when the time comes.

I do think it's vitally  important to make sure he understands what a huge sacrifice it is for you to wait even four years.  Don't downplay your unhappiness - tell him that you're absolutely dreading the thought of another four years, but you agree it's the best thing for the family, so you're going to get some professional help to help you survive it. 

Otherwise, if his job is still going well when the four years is up, he may be tempted to stay on "just a bit longer" to take advantage of a pay rise or a promotion or to pick the best time to sell the house...and before you know it, you're facing another four or five or more years because he might as well stay to get his next long service leave, and then...and so on.

The reality is that you'll probably have to move without jobs when the time comes.  One scenario, since you can live with your folks, is for you to move back first with the kids, then once you're settled and have found work, he can follow.  Or vice versa. That means you've got at least one wage coming in throughout the move. 

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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On 25/02/2020 at 07:20, sazm2k12 said:

Thank you Marisa. Have you made the move back yourself? My baby is almost 2 now and it has been very very tough. I am going to seek help from a counsellor but I agree with you. My husband gets long service leave in 4 years but really I don’t think it’s worth 4 years of unhappiness for a small amount of money. 

You are 100% correct if you are feeling so unhappy.  We only stayed mainly because the house prices rises meant it was financially the best thing for us to wait and see where it all went and plan a good exit. We could cope with it only for that reason and we had good enough jobs to pay our way and get by well enough.  If the housing market had been flat we would have bailed in the first few years..who knows probably less, as neither one of us really liked it that much.  Luckily we have no kids, just sell the house, pack up and go. Flogged the house contents in a garage sale and gave the junk away, binned most of our clothes. Shipped a small amount of personal stuff only

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10 hours ago, Home and Happy said:

You are 100% correct if you are feeling so unhappy.  We only stayed mainly because the house prices rises meant it was financially the best thing for us to wait and see where it all went and plan a good exit. We could cope with it only for that reason and we had good enough jobs to pay our way and get by well enough.  If the housing market had been flat we would have bailed in the first few years..who knows probably less, as neither one of us really liked it that much.  Luckily we have no kids, just sell the house, pack up and go. Flogged the house contents in a garage sale and gave the junk away, binned most of our clothes. Shipped a small amount of personal stuff only

Home and Happy the house market is super flat where we live now and one worry is we won’t be able to sell or will sell at a loss. My husband is hoping it picks up in 4 years but I’m not optimistic! 
how have you found the move back to England? Do you have any regrets?

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28 minutes ago, sazm2k12 said:

Home and Happy the house market is super flat where we live now and one worry is we won’t be able to sell or will sell at a loss. My husband is hoping it picks up in 4 years but I’m not optimistic! 
how have you found the move back to England? Do you have any regrets?

Where do you live?  The houses around here are selling like hotcakes.  One of them sold on its first open day.  It had been on the market for 5 days.

Edited by Toots

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I started to feel that tug home at around the seven year mark. We came over to thee UK on holiday, and I literally told my OH that I wasn't going to go back, and he should leave me and the kids, fly back and sort things out. In the end, we did go back to Aus, but within a year we'd moved back to the UK because the pull was so strong. Even though our marriage has broken down since we got back, I am absolutely sure that moving back is the best thing I've ever done! We moved to Scotland (where we'd never lived before) rather than England, but I've never regretted it even for a second. The kids settled easily, and it has been an amazing experience!

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18 hours ago, sazm2k12 said:

Home and Happy the house market is super flat where we live now and one worry is we won’t be able to sell or will sell at a loss. My husband is hoping it picks up in 4 years but I’m not optimistic! 
how have you found the move back to England? Do you have any regrets?

Hi, the move was fairly easy, lodged with family for a bit, then bought a house ....we are very settled and felt settled the day we came home, jobs were fairly easy to get.  Hope you get your place sold and don’t take any financial hit. Your happiness really  is what counts first.  

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6 hours ago, LKC said:

I started to feel that tug home at around the seven year mark. We came over to thee UK on holiday, and I literally told my OH that I wasn't going to go back, and he should leave me and the kids, fly back and sort things out. In the end, we did go back to Aus, but within a year we'd moved back to the UK because the pull was so strong. Even though our marriage has broken down since we got back, I am absolutely sure that moving back is the best thing I've ever done! We moved to Scotland (where we'd never lived before) rather than England, but I've never regretted it even for a second. The kids settled easily, and it has been an amazing experience!

Yes it’s that tug, once it starts it just gets stronger.  Sorry to the two of you broke up, but glad you are now here settled and happy. The UK really is a great place to be.  

Edited by Home and Happy
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21 hours ago, Toots said:

Where do you live?  The houses around here are selling like hotcakes.  One of them sold on its first open day.  It had been on the market for 5 days.

Toots we are in Darwin! Where are you? 

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3 hours ago, Home and Happy said:

Hi, the move was fairly easy, lodged with family for a bit, then bought a house ....we are very settled and felt settled the day we came home, jobs were fairly easy to get.  Hope you get your place sold and don’t take any financial hit. Your happiness really  is what counts first.  

I am pleased it was all so smooth for you and you are feeling settled! I totally agree about happiness! 

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9 hours ago, LKC said:

I started to feel that tug home at around the seven year mark. We came over to thee UK on holiday, and I literally told my OH that I wasn't going to go back, and he should leave me and the kids, fly back and sort things out. In the end, we did go back to Aus, but within a year we'd moved back to the UK because the pull was so strong. Even though our marriage has broken down since we got back, I am absolutely sure that moving back is the best thing I've ever done! We moved to Scotland (where we'd never lived before) rather than England, but I've never regretted it even for a second. The kids settled easily, and it has been an amazing experience!

I’m sorry to hear that LKC but glad to hear you have had a good experience overall. Interestingly hubby has spoken about moving to Scotland. We have spoken about that or the South West (we are originally from Manchester area). 

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35 minutes ago, sazm2k12 said:

Toots we are in Darwin! Where are you? 

The opposite end of Australia to you.  😀  We are in Tasmania.

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11 hours ago, Toots said:

The opposite end of Australia to you.  😀  We are in Tasmania.

Lovely! It just be beautiful there! Unfortunately it’s even further away for us from family so we wouldn’t move there but if we were staying in Oz we would pick tassie!

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Posted (edited)
On 01/03/2020 at 08:27, sazm2k12 said:

Toots we are in Darwin! 

Huh. I escaped from Darwin last year; one of the best decisions of my life. I lived there for 4 years, and while yes the backcountry is nice (Litch and Kaka) and the festivals are good, the city itself is just ugly, dirty, rampant with crime and depressing. Not to mention a continuallly tanking NT economy that shows no signs of improvement any time soon. The pros simply don't outweigh the cons for reasons to live up there for most people.

I would say your best bet is to get out of the NT at the very least, to any other state. I would wager your lives and happiness would improve significantly in doing so.

Edited by Canada2Australia
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8 minutes ago, Canada2Australia said:

Huh. I escaped from Darwin last year; one of the best decisions of my life. I lived there for 4 years, and while yes the backcountry is nice (Litch and Kaka) and the festivals are good, the city itself is just ugly, dirty, rampant with crime and depressing. Not to mention a continuallly tanking NT economy that shows no signs of improvement any time soon. The pros simply don't outweigh the cons for reasons to live up there for most people.

I would say your best bet is to get out of the NT at the very least, to any other state. I would wager your lives and happiness would improve significantly in doing so.

Darwin certainly wouldn't be a place I could live in but many people enjoy life in the tropics.  The main reason @sazm2k12 has posted is she wants to move back home to the UK to be much closer to her family especially now that she has a very young child.  It wouldn't make much difference if she moved to another part of Australia -  not when she is missing he family in the UK so badly.

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On 01/03/2020 at 09:27, sazm2k12 said:

Toots we are in Darwin! Where are you? 

OMG that’s tough! Darwin is nothing like the rest of Australia and people either love it or loathe it

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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