Display name Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Hi I really need some advice. My now husband and I moved over from the UK 8 years ago. We had never planned in staying so long but before we knew it we got married (back in the UK) and now have a baby. When my baby was just 2 weeks old, my father suddenly died and we were on a plane back with my tiny baby to attend his funeral. I came back saying that I would give it a year before making life changing decisions. I’ve done that now but I cannot settle. My head is always back home with the remainder of my family and now widowed mother. My husband gets annoyed as I’ve brought up moving back so much, and has agreed that we will go, but there is no solid plan in place and it makes us fight all the time. He says he wants to save more money but how much is enough? I’ve suffered losing one parent and making that journey we all dread having only given birth. I was broken and I need my family at home to heal and be happy. My husband will need to close his business that he built from scratch here and reminds me of that. I have lovely friends here that I would miss dearly and Australia has given us so much which I’ll always be grateful for. We have also worked our butts off here. But what good is everything we have if we don’t have our family? I’m scared to have another baby because I could never go through what happened at the start of my sons life again. Pleas help or give any advice you can. I’m so confused and don’t know if I’m being selfish or if my thoughts are justified. Thank you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 You are not being selfish. You have just as much right to be happy as your husband. It will be very hard to find a solution that suits you both and I recommend you get professional help from a counsellor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starlight7 Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 I can sympathise with your husband but also with you, too. It is sometimes hard being a migrant. Your little child is still very young by the sound of it and not yet involved with schools, kinders etc which also would give you some roots and feelings of permanence. Sometimes it is good not to look back at what you had or thought you had but look forward to what might be in the future. There is no easy answer is there? Maybe do a list of pros and cons and talk it over with your husband. He might just be very nervous about giving up a business- you can't really blame him on that score. Best of luck and I hope you are able to come to some compromise . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jon the Hat Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 To be honest it sounds rather like your husband is saying one thing (yes we go) and doing another (not actually doing anything to make it happen); Marisa's suggestion on counselling is a good one. It is difficult marrying these foreigners someone has to be away from home. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted January 13, 2020 Share Posted January 13, 2020 Hate to say this but you're probably not going to move. It sounds like it's in the "too hard" basket for your DH and, I admit, we certainly made decisions which saw us take the pragmatic option of the moment - it certainly wasn't the emotional decision which would have seen me live where I belong and, years down the track, I do regret that. If your financial security preparing for your oLder age is better in Australia then it will be very hard for him to let that go. But, still, there is always encouragement for people making the move in the opposite direction to "follow your dreams" so the same should apply to you and whilst a move might be scary, people do do it all the time. I agree with the others, counselling both for yourself and you as a couple would seem to be a priority - you might be able to get a compromise deal that sees both of you with your needs meet and you should get equipped with strategies to help you manage if you don't get the deal you desire. Or you could play the Meghan card and issue an ultimatum to your DH like she did to Harry (sorry, that's by way of being a bad joke! But it seems to have worked for her!) I sincerely wish you all the best but honestly think you might be stuck in a situation where you have to work out what will be your "least worst" option and live with that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kungfustu Posted February 20, 2020 Share Posted February 20, 2020 On 13/01/2020 at 10:31, Display name said: Hi I really need some advice. My now husband and I moved over from the UK 8 years ago. We had never planned in staying so long but before we knew it we got married (back in the UK) and now have a baby. When my baby was just 2 weeks old, my father suddenly died and we were on a plane back with my tiny baby to attend his funeral. I came back saying that I would give it a year before making life changing decisions. I’ve done that now but I cannot settle. My head is always back home with the remainder of my family and now widowed mother. My husband gets annoyed as I’ve brought up moving back so much, and has agreed that we will go, but there is no solid plan in place and it makes us fight all the time. He says he wants to save more money but how much is enough? I’ve suffered losing one parent and making that journey we all dread having only given birth. I was broken and I need my family at home to heal and be happy. My husband will need to close his business that he built from scratch here and reminds me of that. I have lovely friends here that I would miss dearly and Australia has given us so much which I’ll always be grateful for. We have also worked our butts off here. But what good is everything we have if we don’t have our family? I’m scared to have another baby because I could never go through what happened at the start of my sons life again. Pleas help or give any advice you can. I’m so confused and don’t know if I’m being selfish or if my thoughts are justified. Thank you. I don't think you are being selfish at all......I think you are still suffering the loss of your father and it is this that is causing you to feel the way you do.....you have said you have good friends and a decent life in Australia.....for me you need to get some help with the grief of losing a close family member.....coming to terms with the loss might help the rest of your life fall back into place..... Goodluck. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 On 13/01/2020 at 21:31, Display name said: Hi I really need some advice. My now husband and I moved over from the UK 8 years ago. We had never planned in staying so long but before we knew it we got married (back in the UK) and now have a baby. When my baby was just 2 weeks old, my father suddenly died and we were on a plane back with my tiny baby to attend his funeral. I came back saying that I would give it a year before making life changing decisions. I’ve done that now but I cannot settle. My head is always back home with the remainder of my family and now widowed mother. My husband gets annoyed as I’ve brought up moving back so much, and has agreed that we will go, but there is no solid plan in place and it makes us fight all the time. He says he wants to save more money but how much is enough? I’ve suffered losing one parent and making that journey we all dread having only given birth. I was broken and I need my family at home to heal and be happy. My husband will need to close his business that he built from scratch here and reminds me of that. I have lovely friends here that I would miss dearly and Australia has given us so much which I’ll always be grateful for. We have also worked our butts off here. But what good is everything we have if we don’t have our family? I’m scared to have another baby because I could never go through what happened at the start of my sons life again. Pleas help or give any advice you can. I’m so confused and don’t know if I’m being selfish or if my thoughts are justified. Thank you. Curious, has there been any progress since you posted this back in Jan. I am in a very similar position. 8 years here and ready to go back, but husband has all his ties here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Display name Posted March 5 Author Share Posted March 5 Hi Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Some comments I can’t see here but I saw in my email notifications overnight which has triggered me to update this. I was called selfish and immature in those comments. I appreciate that might be the view, but I don’t think I’m either. I was a new mum who suddenly lost a father I couldn’t say goodbye to in a country I’d never agreed to move permanently to, and it was hard. We moved home post Covid. It was the best decision we made. My husbands company is still operational with a fantastic partner running it. We are all happy right now, and can move back to Australia if we want to after giving things a go here. If we decide to stay there eventually, then at least I can do it with closure. It was the best decision, it was tough, but it’s right for now. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 8 minutes ago, Display name said: Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Some comments I can’t see here but I saw in my email notifications overnight which has triggered me to update this. I was called selfish and immature in those comments. I appreciate that might be the view, but I don’t think I’m either. I was a new mum who suddenly lost a father I couldn’t say goodbye to in a country I’d never agreed to move permanently to, and it was hard. We moved home post Covid. It was the best decision we made. My husbands company is still operational with a fantastic partner running it. We are all happy right now, and can move back to Australia if we want to after giving things a go here. If we decide to stay there eventually, then at least I can do it with closure. It was the best decision, it was tough, but it’s right for now. That is absolutely fantastic news. I am so happy for you. Just one person wrote a nasty comment and a couple of us jumped in to defend you. Those comments got deleted because we were so angry on your behalf, we got too personal and that's against forum rules. Off you go and enjoy life! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Display name said: Hi Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Some comments I can’t see here but I saw in my email notifications overnight which has triggered me to update this. I was called selfish and immature in those comments. I appreciate that might be the view, but I don’t think I’m either. I was a new mum who suddenly lost a father I couldn’t say goodbye to in a country I’d never agreed to move permanently to, and it was hard. We moved home post Covid. It was the best decision we made. My husbands company is still operational with a fantastic partner running it. We are all happy right now, and can move back to Australia if we want to after giving things a go here. If we decide to stay there eventually, then at least I can do it with closure. It was the best decision, it was tough, but it’s right for now. I am glad to hear you made the brave move and it worked out! We are very much in the same position, moved back to the UK a little over 2 years ago. It had its challenges, but it was absolutely the right thing for us. Life feels like an adventure again and while I never say never, not looking back at all. Edited March 5 by Athena 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Display name Posted March 5 Author Share Posted March 5 28 minutes ago, Marisawright said: That is absolutely fantastic news. I am so happy for you. Just one person wrote a nasty comment and a couple of us jumped in to defend you. Those comments got deleted because we were so angry on your behalf, we got too personal and that's against forum rules. Off you go and enjoy life! Ah this makes sense! Thank you so much for helping and jumping in, I was quite saddened/shocked by the comments but when I saw you and others jumping in I felt I had to give an update. Thank you, it means a lot 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 5 Share Posted March 5 So good to hear a couple of positive "it was the right move" stories. When it works it is a fantastic thing and kudos to you both for being to negotiate for what you need, it sounded like both of you might have faced hopeless cases so points to your OHs for hearing what you were saying and having the strength to face the new adventure. And dont worry about the negative comments - on here we often find that cognitive dissonance brings out the worst in people LOL. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Kent Posted April 18 Share Posted April 18 First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your father and the challenges you've faced, especially during such a vulnerable time with your newborn. It's completely understandable that you're feeling torn between your desire to be with your family back home and the life you've built with your husband and child in your current location. Perhaps sitting down together and setting concrete goals and timelines could help alleviate some of the tension and uncertainty. Discussing how much money you both feel comfortable saving before making a move, as well as potential job opportunities or career paths for your husband in your home country, could provide some clarity and direction. Ultimately, there's no easy answer, and it's okay to feel conflicted and unsure. Trust yourself and your instincts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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