Moved back and confused!

[calNgary]

4 hours ago, Marisawright said:

But surely it also depends where you are in each country.  Someone coming from a chav area in the UK to a bogan area of Australia would doubtless find teenagers in both places had much the same experience. 

What used to happen in the past was that migrants could afford to live in a better neighbourhood in Australia than they did in the UK.   Nowadays that isn't necessarily going to be true. 

Of course it does, we didn't live in a bad area in the UK and we don't live in a bad area here. Both middle of the line, working class towns. Another myth you tend to read on here a lot is if your life is better here its cause you lived in a crap area in UK , its BULL#@^&, lol..

To be honest going off postcode searches our UK address would probably rate higher in a 'çlass' chart (if there is such a thing) yet id say our Aus lifestyle and surrounding amenities are 10 times better. than what we had access to the UK ,not including public transport as our Aus home only very recently introduced a public bus! lol , but our rates are cheaper here so i guess you cannot have everything (i prefer my bank holiday and xmas eve garbage collection over a bus any day)

Cal x

[bug family]

7 minutes ago, calNgary said:

Another myth you tend to read on here a lot is if your life is better here its cause you lived in a crap area in UK , its BULL#@^&, lol..

Sorry cal, I disagree, On my recent trip back to the UK I spoke to my brother in law and his wife about why they moved back from Aus to the UK having only spent a relatively short period in Western Australia and Canberra (About a year in each) their answer was clear the area and lifestyle they had in the UK was far in a way nicer than the 'mind numbing, dull and isolated' (their words) suburbs they ended up in here in Australia, on the opposite side of this is another couple we met when we first came out here who absolutely loved it here (western Australian suburb) and would never move back to the 'dump of an estate they lived in Leeds' (their words), unfortunately they had to move back due to visa issues.

These are both comparisons being made on opposite sides of the same coin and that's what we do as humans, naturally we compare on a daily basis, ' I prefer this over this because of this', Migrants are very good at this because we have something to compare to.

I talk to many, many brits on a regular basis in the hospital where I work, and have a chat about where they are from originally and about their lifestyle both here and back in the UK, some love it here based on a comparison with where they lived and what the left back in the UK and some do not based again on where they lived and what they left again back in the UK.

[Toots]

12 minutes ago, bug family said:

Sorry cal, I disagree, On my recent trip back to the UK I spoke to my brother in law and his wife about why they moved back from Aus to the UK having only spent a relatively short period in Western Australia and Canberra (About a year in each) their answer was clear the area and lifestyle they had in the UK was far in a way nicer than the 'mind numbing, dull and isolated' (their words) suburbs they ended up in here in Australia, on the opposite side of this is another couple we met when we first came out here who absolutely loved it here (western Australian suburb) and would never move back to the 'dump of an estate they lived in Leeds' (their words), unfortunately they had to move back due to visa issues.

These are both comparisons being made on opposite sides of the same coin and that's what we do as humans, naturally we compare on a daily basis, ' I prefer this over this because of this', Migrants are very good at this because we have something to compare to.

I talk to many, many brits on a regular basis in the hospital where I work, and have a chat about where they are from originally and about their lifestyle both here and back in the UK, some love it here based on a comparison with where they lived and what the left back in the UK and some do not based again on where they lived and what they left again back in the UK.

I think I'm one of those nomad types that Marisa talked about.  I've never compared my life in previous countries I've live in to my life in Australia.  I've never been bored or lonely here and now that my sister comes out for a couple of months or so each year I don't think of even taking a holiday in the UK.  I've found my little happy place to live in - sure it has it faults - tell me somewhere that doesn't.  I do understand completely people who want to return 'home' though.  If that is your happy place - go for it.

[calNgary]

To be honest i think its human nature to compare, yes its recommended as a migrant that you dont, but pfftt i did and 13 years on still do to an extent. One thing we decided as a family before we came was if we hated it (SE QLD) we would try another suburb and then state before returning ,so we had given it our best shot. I had never visited Aus at all and would have moved here blind but for the couple of weeks we got here with Wanted Down Under which was a last minute thing.

Same in the UK prior to moving, we did look at different areas and there was always a drawback, no suitable jobs, not our style etc etc, we even bought land and built a house in Spain, had a static caravan in a beautiful part of Wales with jet skis etc but something was just missing, so we decided stuff it if we are moving lets go the whole hog and move across the world, thank fully it worked for us.

 Cal x

 

[bug family]

2 hours ago, calNgary said:

had a static caravan in a beautiful part of Wales with jet skis etc

oooo..what part that's my neck of the woods

[bug family]

2 hours ago, calNgary said:

the couple of weeks we got here with Wanted Down Under

I never realised you where on the show!! ....i am glad you have found your happy place

[ramot]

I’m like Toots.

On PIO We probably come from different backgrounds, which might impact on how we settle. From a child to my late 50’s I have lived in 5 different countries. UK to Germany as a child, back to UK, 5 different primary schools, before a fairly static time in senior school, sent to France for the summer holidays in my teens due to family reasons. Then Africa on my own for work, back in UK then moved house constantly as my husband was in the Airforce. Then Brunei for 10 years, and now Australia for the last 17. So where is home? Anywhere I happen to live. I’ve had to make home in many places, uprooted the children several times due to my husband’s work, and the only important thing was my family first irrespective of where we were. Learning to adjust to personal circumstances. No point moaning that was my life. (probably did though!) 

So perhaps I have settled happily in Australia because I was used to moving around and adjusting.

Australia isn’t for everyone, just as UK isn’t, nothing wrong with that. It’s probably harder to settle if you haven’t moved around much and have left behind very close family. If Australia isn’t for you, but you gave it a try, good for you, better than living regretting that you never tried.

A lot of my Africa family have all happily settled here, but there wasn’t much of an option to return, so they were determined to make it home. If you have lived in Africa then it always stays in your heart, but you have to be realistic about your families future, but if you have moved from UK then you always have the option to return.

Good luck to everyone whatever decision you make about where your home is.

[bug family]

7 minutes ago, ramot said:

So perhaps I have settled happily in Australia because I was used to moving around and adjusting.

Hi Ramot, wow you really have travelled,

It is funny because I also grew up in an air-force family, my father was in the RAF and when I was a child we moved to various parts of the world (south Africa, Cyprus etc)

when my dad finally finished his career after nearly 30 years in service they settled in North Wales which is where I then grew up.

Maybe it was because of all the moving early in life, that i finally settled in Wales and have always thought of the UK as home...never really thought of it that way ..mmmm

anyhow you definitely sound like one of Marisa's Nomads

[ramot]

55 minutes ago, bug family said:

Hi Ramot, wow you really have travelled,

It is funny because I also grew up in an air-force family, my father was in the RAF and when I was a child we moved to various parts of the world (south Africa, Cyprus etc)

when my dad finally finished his career after nearly 30 years in service they settled in North Wales which is where I then grew up.

Maybe it was because of all the moving early in life, that i finally settled in Wales and have always thought of the UK as home...never really thought of it that way ..mmmm

anyhow you definitely sound like one of Marisa's Nomads

Out of my three children, our oldest son will never leave UK, perhaps because he is married to someone who has never travelled much and would never leave her family. 2nd son, never settled back in UK, followed us to Australia,  daughter a total nomad, lived in Mexico and Kenya, and travelled loads, followed us to Australia. Both of them missed the climate and lifestyle of a warmer country.

i read once that statistically 2 out of 3 3rd culture kids, will continue a nomadic life, and 1 will stay put and hug a tree.

So it’s interesting the different reactions to a travelled childhood.

[calNgary]

2 hours ago, bug family said:

oooo..what part that's my neck of the woods

Abersoch, our UK happy place,lol we spent many fantastic weekends down there.

We made the Pilot episode for the WDU show and had a really good time actually.

 Cal x

[ramot]

36 minutes ago, calNgary said:

Abersoch, our UK happy place,lol we spent many fantastic weekends down there.

We made the Pilot episode for the WDU show and had a really good time actually.

 Cal x

We used to holiday in Llanbedrog, not far from Abersoch, knew it well.

[Tulip1]

1 hour ago, ramot said:

Out of my three children, our oldest son will never leave UK, perhaps because he is married to someone who has never travelled much and would never leave her family. 2nd son, never settled back in UK, followed us to Australia,  daughter a total nomad, lived in Mexico and Kenya, and travelled loads, followed us to Australia. Both of them missed the climate and lifestyle of a warmer country.

i read once that statistically 2 out of 3 3rd culture kids, will continue a nomadic life, and 1 will stay put and hug a tree.

So it’s interesting the different reactions to a travelled childhood.

I also grew up in a military family and have lived in various places including Germany. Also notched up 8 schools too. Definitely something in it as I would be happy to try living in various places whereas I have friends who’ve not left the village they grew up in and couldn’t imagine ever leaving. 

[LouDYorkie]

There may be something in it.... as a child I lived in a number of cities and travelled without my parents often. As an adult I’ve lived in or traveled to many countries and have been happy in each of the places I’ve lived. By comparison my OH lived in the same village from birth until they were 38, did not travel much before we got together and has really struggled to be in Australia.

[CaptainR]

I guess ultimately for the OP, either you or your wife is going to have to compromise. Life is about balance and you have to find a wait to tip the balance slightly. If that means moving back to Australia, then you have to look at how you can improve your lifestyle (even if that mean changing jobs, moving suburbs or cities etc and travelling back to the UK on your own regularly), or if it's about staying in the UK its about making sure you support your wife, live somewhere that works for you both (this might not be near your family) and gives you a quality of life that makes you happy, also you would have to make sure you support her travelling back to Oz to be with her family regularly. 
It's clear that you want to find a resolution, so you need to sit down and find a way to make life work for both of you, but there isn't going to be an easy solution, you will both need to compromise. 

[wattsy1982]

Evening @Macho man just read your story and the replies and can relate to parts of it.

 

I don't recognise your username on here so assuming you might be new?

 

Ive been on (and off) here since about 2012 and have many highs and lows and re-reading my posts I sometimes cant remember posting them/writing it/ feel that way but I obviously did.

Very quick back story, we (myself, wife, and 2 young boys) moved form UK to Australia in 2013. My wife was the driving force to come and although i wasn't reluctant I didnt really ever settle in our 5 years there. Looking back I can now see that I never tried to settle....something I regret now.

My wife loved Aus from day 1 until we moved back to uk in 2018. 

In our time there we both got good jobs, 2 boys started school, we built a house, had a daughter and all became citizens. Over the 5 years there I wore my wife down to the point of her agreeing to move back to keep us together as a family and to save our marriage.

The initial few weeks of being back was great (early july), nothing like a UK summer but come a cold, grey, wet August bank holiday and i started to have doubts and feel ready to go back to Aus, like being back in the UK was a holiday.

Due to how much I drove the move back to the UK i didnt dare mention any of my indecisions to my wife but after being back about a year things came to a head, my wife was resenting me for coming back, I was struggling with the guilt of bringing them back, not trying to settle there etc and things became pretty tough at home. 

I went to see a doctor and my wife and I had a few...tough conversations and im glad to say that 6+ months on we are still together and all in a better place. 

Weve both agreed to give it a good go here and discuss whats next when our eldest is due to start high school and our youngest is due to start primary school which is about 16 months from now.

I can now see the good points to Aus, as well as here and just think and have that feeling that all round that Australia might be best for us all in the long run.

I NEVER thought I would say that and over the next 16 months this may change many times....who knows.

The kids have been great and so grown up about it all but my eldest 2 struggle with the weather, cold, wet etc. Our garden is like a a swamp and they cant play football in the garden which they arent impressed with!

Day to day life here is good, we have a nice new house which we designed and bought, we both have good jobs and the 3 kids keep us busy with clubs, partys and play dates.....

all in all we have achieved the same back here as we did in Aus but it just feels more of a slog here and that mon-fri is just work and school and then the weekend is time to do things where as in aus we would always do things after work and school in the week too.

Who knows what the future holds.......

All the best to everyone in a tough situation.

Dan

[Toots]

29 minutes ago, wattsy1982 said:

Evening @Macho man just read your story and the replies and can relate to parts of it.

 

I don't recognise your username on here so assuming you might be new?

 

Ive been on (and off) here since about 2012 and have many highs and lows and re-reading my posts I sometimes cant remember posting them/writing it/ feel that way but I obviously did.

Very quick back story, we (myself, wife, and 2 young boys) moved form UK to Australia in 2013. My wife was the driving force to come and although i wasn't reluctant I didnt really ever settle in our 5 years there. Looking back I can now see that I never tried to settle....something I regret now.

My wife loved Aus from day 1 until we moved back to uk in 2018. 

In our time there we both got good jobs, 2 boys started school, we built a house, had a daughter and all became citizens. Over the 5 years there I wore my wife down to the point of her agreeing to move back to keep us together as a family and to save our marriage.

The initial few weeks of being back was great (early july), nothing like a UK summer but come a cold, grey, wet August bank holiday and i started to have doubts and feel ready to go back to Aus, like being back in the UK was a holiday.

Due to how much I drove the move back to the UK i didnt dare mention any of my indecisions to my wife but after being back about a year things came to a head, my wife was resenting me for coming back, I was struggling with the guilt of bringing them back, not trying to settle there etc and things became pretty tough at home. 

I went to see a doctor and my wife and I had a few...tough conversations and im glad to say that 6+ months on we are still together and all in a better place. 

Weve both agreed to give it a good go here and discuss whats next when our eldest is due to start high school and our youngest is due to start primary school which is about 16 months from now.

I can now see the good points to Aus, as well as here and just think and have that feeling that all round that Australia might be best for us all in the long run.

I NEVER thought I would say that and over the next 16 months this may change many times....who knows.

The kids have been great and so grown up about it all but my eldest 2 struggle with the weather, cold, wet etc. Our garden is like a a swamp and they cant play football in the garden which they arent impressed with!

Day to day life here is good, we have a nice new house which we designed and bought, we both have good jobs and the 3 kids keep us busy with clubs, partys and play dates.....

all in all we have achieved the same back here as we did in Aus but it just feels more of a slog here and that mon-fri is just work and school and then the weekend is time to do things where as in aus we would always do things after work and school in the week too.

Who knows what the future holds.......

All the best to everyone in a tough situation.

Dan

Good to hear from you Wattsy.    It sounds as though you are settling OK but as you say, who knows what the future holds.

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, wattsy1982 said:

Very quick back story, we (myself, wife, and 2 young boys) moved form UK to Australia in 2013. My wife was the driving force to come and although i wasn't reluctant I didnt really ever settle in our 5 years there. Looking back I can now see that I never tried to settle....something I regret now.

...

Day to day life here is good, we have a nice new house which we designed and bought, we both have good jobs and the 3 kids keep us busy with clubs, partys and play dates.....

all in all we have achieved the same back here as we did in Aus but it just feels more of a slog here and that mon-fri is just work and school and then the weekend is time to do things where as in aus we would always do things after work and school in the week too.

Are you absolutely sure you didn't try to settle, or was it really because your homesickness was so powerful, you couldn't settle?    If you were being bolshie and not trying, then you'll make a go of it the second time.  If you were horribly homesick, that feeling will return just as strongly the next time - it won't matter how fantastic life is in Australia, it will all feel empty because you're not where you belong.  And that feeling never goes away.

I give that warning because sometimes when we have a row, my OH throws that "you didn't try" argument at me (we tried to settle in the UK a few years ago), and now the memories are fading, I'm almost starting to believe him.   I think back on our time in the UK and think, I can remember some nice walks and we had a nice home, and....maybe I'm exaggerating and it wasn't that bad?  Maybe I didn't try hard enough? 

And yet I know I wasn't making it up, because I also  remember waking up one night in our flat in Southampton, and thinking the easiest solution would be to jump off the balcony.  That was the catalyst that made me insist on returning to Australia.  

So i guess my message is, don't underestimate the power of rose-coloured glasses.  It's human nature to remember the good bits.

 

Edited January 20, 2020 by Marisawright

[Paul1Perth]

I've never understood the massive connection to family and how people think their kids may be missing out. 

Both me and the wife have family who are all in the UK, we have sisters, cousins and now nieces and nephews. When we were growing up we saw our cousins and other relations but they weren't people we went out with. We had friends with similar interests for that.

We couldn't afford to go back to the UK for 13 years when we came. Most of the rellies came out here and all of them thought it was the best thing we could have done. Our kids have grown up fine without rellies close. They have heaps of friends and I don't feel they've missed out one bit. Maybe financially they have as I know the nieces, nephews in the UK have had a lot more financial help than our 2 from both sets of our parents. Just the way it is, we chose to emigrate. 

Now kids seem to go off all over the world. Our eldest has just returned from 2 years in Canada, lives over in Newcastle as his girlfriend missed her parents and family. He has a fly in fly out job out of Perth so it's going to cost him more but he's OK with that. We have a niece and her boyfriend visiting at the moment, they are teaching in China. Her Sister lives in Nottingham and her parents, my wifes sister and husband live in Tolpuddle.

Doesn't mean we don't love or think about family but don't feel we've missed out on anything. What we do have is a big friendship group with similar interests and we are always busy.

[Toots]

3 hours ago, Marisawright said:

Are you absolutely sure you didn't try to settle, or was it really because your homesickness was so powerful, you couldn't settle?    If you were being bolshie and not trying, then you'll make a go of it the second time.  If you were horribly homesick, that feeling will return just as strongly the next time - it won't matter how fantastic life is in Australia, it will all feel empty because you're not where you belong.  And that feeling never goes away.

I give that warning because sometimes when we have a row, my OH throws that "you didn't try" argument at me (we tried to settle in the UK a few years ago), and now the memories are fading, I'm almost starting to believe him.   I think back on our time in the UK and think, I can remember some nice walks and we had a nice home, and....maybe I'm exaggerating and it wasn't that bad?  Maybe I didn't try hard enough? 

And yet I know I wasn't making it up, because I also  remember waking up one night in our flat in Southampton, and thinking the easiest solution would be to jump off the balcony.  That was the catalyst that made me insist on returning to Australia.  

So i guess my message is, don't underestimate the power of rose-coloured glasses.  It's human nature to remember the good bits.

 

Was that because of living in Southampton and not really being keen on the place @Marisawright or was it a longing to return to Australia.  Would it have been different if you had moved to a different area in the UK or wouldn't it have made any difference at all?

[Marisawright]

39 minutes ago, Toots said:

Was that because of living in Southampton and not really being keen on the place @Marisawright or was it a longing to return to Australia.  Would it have been different if you had moved to a different area in the UK or wouldn't it have made any difference at all?

Impossible to say now. I was willing to try somewhere else but my oh kept putting off a move. But I’m not sure it would have worked. I feel much happier in Australia 

[wattsy1982]

8 hours ago, Marisawright said:

Are you absolutely sure you didn't try to settle, or was it really because your homesickness was so powerful, you couldn't settle?    If you were being bolshie and not trying, then you'll make a go of it the second time.  If you were horribly homesick, that feeling will return just as strongly the next time - it won't matter how fantastic life is in Australia, it will all feel empty because you're not where you belong.  And that feeling never goes away.

I give that warning because sometimes when we have a row, my OH throws that "you didn't try" argument at me (we tried to settle in the UK a few years ago), and now the memories are fading, I'm almost starting to believe him.   I think back on our time in the UK and think, I can remember some nice walks and we had a nice home, and....maybe I'm exaggerating and it wasn't that bad?  Maybe I didn't try hard enough? 

And yet I know I wasn't making it up, because I also  remember waking up one night in our flat in Southampton, and thinking the easiest solution would be to jump off the balcony.  That was the catalyst that made me insist on returning to Australia.  

So i guess my message is, don't underestimate the power of rose-coloured glasses.  It's human nature to remember the good bits.

 

Hi @Marisawright Good to hear from you. I guess with settling, if it was meant to be it would have just happened and I wouldnt have had to 'try' to settle.

I can honestly say though that I never lived in the moment in Australia, when we did anything good, nice etc I was always thinking about something else back here so did that cloud the opportunity of settling there...maybe.

Its made me appreciate the good things of the UK and also the good things of Aus, which again creates a pull in both directions.

The main thing is that we are all still together and have a nice life here too.

[Marisawright]

3 hours ago, wattsy1982 said:

I can honestly say though that I never lived in the moment in Australia, when we did anything good, nice etc I was always thinking about something else back here so did that cloud the opportunity of settling there...maybe.

Ah, but what you have to consider is WHY thoughts of home were so powerful that you couldn't even enjoy a nice event. 

If at some point, you made up your mind to hate everything about the place, and from that point on, you were determined not to enjoy everything - that's one thing (and that does happen!).  If you return to Australia, all you have to do is decide not to be such an idiot next time!

But if you went to Australia with a reasonably open mind and just found that you couldn't help it, you were always thinking of home - then it's not something you can control, ever. 

Like I said,  I understand the temptation to convince yourself it wasn't that bad, that you didn't try, that it would be fine - because you can't shake that guilty feeling about dragging your wife back to the UK and you want to make her happy.  But you have to be really, really careful.

Some people can move anywhere in the world and live anywhere without a second thought.  Those people make good migrants.   But some people - and actually I think it's the majority - have a very deep attachment to their homeland, which never fades.  They may not even be aware of it until they try to move overseas, and even then they might not understand why they can't settle.  Logically they can see all the good things about their new country, but they know something isn't right.  Those people should simply never be migrants.

Edited January 20, 2020 by Marisawright

[bug family]

19 hours ago, Marisawright said:

But if you went to Australia with a reasonably open mind and just found that you couldn't help it, you were always thinking of home - then it's not something you can control, ever. 

^^^^ This is me

19 hours ago, Marisawright said:

Some people can move anywhere in the world and live anywhere without a second thought.  Those people make good migrants

^^^^^ this is not me

19 hours ago, Marisawright said:

But some people - and actually I think it's the majority - have a very deep attachment to their homeland, which never fades.  They may not even be aware of it until they try to move overseas,

^^^^^^^ This is me

19 hours ago, Marisawright said:

Logically they can see all the good things about their new country, but they know something isn't right.  Those people should simply never be migrants.

aaannnd this is also me ^^^^

[tea4too]

On 20/01/2020 at 02:21, Paul1Perth said:

I've never understood the massive connection to family and how people think their kids may be missing out......

Doesn't mean we don't love or think about family but don't feel we've missed out on anything. What we do have is a big friendship group with similar interests and we are always busy.

It doesn't have to be a massive connection in the sense of living in each other's pockets. We live a fair distance from the rest of our family but near enough to be part of all those happy, as well as sad, occasions. My child has grown up with a real sense of belonging, knowing where she fits into her wider family relationships, and has so many memories of time spent with different generations of people who love her. Some of those people are no longer here and in that respect I do think her childhood was richer for having the opportunity.

Having said that, moving to Aus my nephews could not maintain such close ties but they too have grown up happy in their smaller family unit, and enjoyed visits from family and friends from overseas. I doubt they feel they have missed out and there's a good deal of truth in the saying 'you don't miss what you've never had.' Whether that's a good or bad thing depends on your point of view and is likely to mean different things to different people.  T x

[Chortlepuss]

On 20/01/2020 at 18:40, wattsy1982 said:

Hi @Marisawright Good to hear from you. I guess with settling, if it was meant to be it would have just happened and I wouldnt have had to 'try' to settle.

I can honestly say though that I never lived in the moment in Australia, when we did anything good, nice etc I was always thinking about something else back here so did that cloud the opportunity of settling there...maybe.

Its made me appreciate the good things of the UK and also the good things of Aus, which again creates a pull in both directions.

The main thing is that we are all still together and have a nice life here too.

Hi Watsy 

Glad to hear things are picking up - it's great that you are giving it time. I will be facing a similar decision as to where to live in a few years once I'm retired - my hubby loves the heat in Qld but I am over it! We bought a house here 3 years ago and I am feeling more positive about Australia now I don''t have to struggle in the insecurity and frustration of a rental. We still have a house in the UK which we rent out and I am hoping to spend part year in both countries but it is complicated re: tax/super/UK pension etc... Plus grown up kids who have settled here .. I hope you have a lovely Spring and Summer and enjoy those long days that I miss so much!