Been in Oz 8 months and struggling - advice please!

[Quoll]

14 hours ago, Amber Snowball said:

Now see I felt settled straight away and stayed that way for 10 years, then the niggles started.  
 

I’d agree with that - as far as whatever “settled” means. I guess the niggles started for me at about 20 years and hit peak loathing at 30. But right at the beginning I just landed and slotted right in. I don’t think there’s an x time that you have to bang your head against the wall for in hope of making your headache go away.

[Toots]

12 hours ago, Sarah Martin said:

Hi Sam

I was adamant during most of my first year in Sydney that I would be moving back after one or two years; I stayed for fifteen! I think it's important to immerse yourself in a hobby that will get you out meeting people, if you can? I have always been into horses and that made all the difference to me - as soon as I started riding, I met kindred spirits and eventually bought a horse (and a dog and a cat) and started to feel as though I was 'home' and the homesickness faded. Ultimately, however, the pull of the English countryside and London got the better of me and I did return three years ago. It was relatively easy, as I was single and childless. My sister, who had also been in Australia for roughly the same amount of time (having grown up in England), also moved back, but has since returned to Sydney (and still occasionally feels torn).

The longer you stay, the more you will feel as though you have a foot in both hemispheres (if my experience is anything to go by). I do wonder if you might be happier in Melbourne or Sydney, though (as both cities probably feel more European than Brisbane), but perhaps that's not an option for your partner?

I am writing an article about 'ping pong Poms' and the Australia vs UK dilemma, which will be posted on my website early in the New Year and I think you may relate to much of it - keep an eye: https://potp.uk/

If it's any comfort, so many Brits go through this and so often one partner wants to stay in Oz, but the other is desperate to return. I have friends in WA who were one such couple, but having children changed everything and anchored their family a bit (although it has taken ten years for their mum to feel truly settled and no longer yearn to return). 

One thing I have learnt is that rationalising the pros and cons does not provide the answer. You have to search your heart and, if you make the decision to give it your best shot for the sake of your relationship, you have to do just that, not follow too many English Instagram accounts and try to find as many positives where you are as possible, outside of your relationship, so that you feel there are other benefits of your location (such as the wonderful weather, wildlife, great coffee, the beach, amazing night skies, etc, etc).

Wishing you the best of luck figuring it out and know that you're not alone!

Sarah

I look forward to reading your article Sarah.

Same as you I met my very good friends through our love of  animals especially horses.  Did you take your horse back to the UK?

[Marisawright]

13 hours ago, Sarah Martin said:

One thing I have learnt is that rationalising the pros and cons does not provide the answer. You have to search your heart

Exactly this.  There is a massive difference between arriving in Australia and not liking it much, and arriving in Australia and feeling as though you've left a chunk of your soul behind.

If you just don't like where you've landed, then as Bulya says, trying other locations can offer the solution.  But if you're yearning for your homeland or your family, you're never going to find the answer in Oz.   You might be able to divert yourself for a while but as you found, it will never completely go away.

13 hours ago, Sarah Martin said:

if you make the decision to give it your best shot for the sake of your relationship,...

Again, I'd urge @samt4 to talk to her boyfriend before deciding to sacrifice her happiness for the sake of his business. She's making a huge assumption about how he really feels and whether he understands how she really feels, and that all needs to be sorted out first.

Edited December 15, 2019 by Marisawright

[Aus12345]

Sorry to hear about your situation as it isn't easy and there is no quick fix. I would try and make the most of being Aus as England isn't going anywhere

[Aus12345]

6 minutes ago, Aus12345 said:

Sorry to hear about your situation as it isn't easy and there is no quick fix. I would try and make the most of being Aus as England isn't going anywhere

Sorry I didn't finish writing the comment. Have you made a good circle of friends in Brisbane? It might be good to go take up a hobby or a fitness class where you can meet people.

Homesickness is horrible and we have all suffered it at some point. Maybe you could go for a few days away to clear you head and talk to your partner about how you are feeling?

Just hang in there as things always have a way of sorting themselves out. 

[Marisawright]

6 hours ago, Aus12345 said:

Homesickness is horrible and we have all suffered it at some point.

No, actually, that's not true.  There's a difference between missing your family and being homesick.  And there's a difference between a bit of nostalgia for home when things are going wrong, and a deep longing for your homeland that nags away at you day after day.   It's not something you can't  "get over", unfortunately.

Things do not always have a way of sorting themselves out.  Just talk to @Quoll, one of our long-standing members, about situational depression.   Browse through some of the forum threads to find people who end up permanently on anti-depressants, and elderly people saying, "I've lived in Australia for 30 years and never felt really happy, now I'm desperate to go home".  Some people never, ever settle. 

I count myself lucky that I never suffered from homesickness but I didn't choose to feel that way.  It's the way I'm made, and for people who are deeply attached to the land of their birth, it's the way they're made. 

[Home and Happy]

Sorry to hear your story. It’s a difficult situation when you have an Aussie partner.  

We were so glad to get out of that place.

 

 

[Vickie78]

On 22/12/2019 at 08:56, Marisawright said:

No, actually, that's not true.  There's a difference between missing your family and being homesick.  And there's a difference between a bit of nostalgia for home when things are going wrong, and a deep longing for your homeland that nags away at you day after day.   It's not something you can't  "get over", unfortunately.

Things do not always have a way of sorting themselves out.  Just talk to @Quoll, one of our long-standing members, about situational depression.   Browse through some of the forum threads to find people who end up permanently on anti-depressants, and elderly people saying, "I've lived in Australia for 30 years and never felt really happy, now I'm desperate to go home".  Some people never, ever settle. 

I count myself lucky that I never suffered from homesickness but I didn't choose to feel that way.  It's the way I'm made, and for people who are deeply attached to the land of their birth, it's the way they're made. 

I'm not elderly but have been here in Australia 26 years, almost 27 now. Marissa is right, I'm one of those never felt settled/happy here. Which is why we are off soon. I was only ever homesick the first year or two after arriving, the rest of the time has been me trying to fit in, and never really getting anywhere, (that's a really simple explanation) then I met someone and we had kids, and then after 13 years that went to you know what, and that was the nail in the coffin for me. We have no reason to stay here anymore, he has given his permission to take our kids. If I hadn't of met someone and had children I would have gone home a long time ago, but life happens and here we are. 

Will we be happy in the UK who knows? I hope so, but if we don't go now, it will never happen and I couldn't live with myself wondering what if, when my pull to go home is so strong. I certainly don't want to die in Australia I know that much, nor do I want to continue along the depressing life I currently have here.  Life is too short, and I've always put everyone and everything before ME. It's time for that to change. I'm one of those people who obviously can't settle in places that are not 'home' despite trying. No one really understands when I try and explain it either. Some UK friends are even like why would you want to come back? Australia looks and sounds amazing, it is to some, but not to me. What else can I say? LOL I don't hate Australia either, it's just not me. It's an experience and I'll leave it at that. /shrug. 

[Home and Happy]

On 10/12/2019 at 04:20, Paul1Perth said:

There are some people who won't settle and never be happy. It's not worth it, go back.

And there are also those who say they are supposedly settled yet can’t stay away from the Moving Back to U.K. thread because they know deep down that they really miss the U.K too but won’t actually admit it. It’s that feeling in the pit of your stomach which you know, telling you the truth that it’s time to come back.  Don’t leave it too late tho as you want to get enough NI paid for your state pension. 

[Home and Happy]

On 25/12/2019 at 22:51, Vickie78 said:

Well, I reckon you will be happy.  When you have that gut feeling, it’s really time to go.  U.K. is a great place to live now.  There’s not much down there compared to here, and you really are so isolated from everything out there.
 

Edited December 28, 2019 by Home and Happy

[Home and Happy]

On 21/12/2019 at 15:33, Aus12345 said:

Sorry to hear about your situation as it isn't easy and there is no quick fix. I would try and make the most of being Aus as England isn't going anywhere

Really ?  How did you arrive at that conclusion ? 

[Toots]

7 hours ago, Home and Happy said:

And there are also those who say they are supposedly settled yet can’t stay away from the Moving Back to U.K. thread because they know deep down that they really miss the U.K too but won’t actually admit it. It’s that feeling in the pit of your stomach which you know, telling you the truth that it’s time to come back.  Don’t leave it too late tho as you want to get enough NI paid for your state pension. 

When I come onto the forum I click the unread content thingy so the posts on this thread just appear with all the other unread posts.  Why do you have to make sarky smart arse comments all the time?  I have lived over half my life here and will always have a soft spot for Scotland but I prefer to live here.  Why is that such a problem for you to understand?  I do realise Australia isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination but we have a good, hassle free life here which suits us but it wouldn't suit many other folk.  As long as people are happy, does it matter to anyone else to question where they choose to live?  Surely if people hate the place they would make plans to go 'home".

I'm glad you are home and happy but don't knock people who are happy here.

Happy New Year to you.  

[Skani]

21 minutes ago, Toots said:

When I come onto the forum I click the unread content thingy so the posts on this thread just appear with all the other unread posts.  

Me too.

Quote

As long as people are happy, does it matter to anyone else to question where they choose to live? 

And this.  Well said, Toots.

[ali]

12 hours ago, Home and Happy said:

And there are also those who say they are supposedly settled yet can’t stay away from the Moving Back to U.K. thread because they know deep down that they really miss the U.K too but won’t actually admit it. It’s that feeling in the pit of your stomach which you know, telling you the truth that it’s time to come back.  Don’t leave it too late tho as you want to get enough NI paid for your state pension. 

Might be a difficult concept to understand, but some of us who are settled here, still feel that we can offer some genuine support to those who want to move back to their country of origin.  Your posts are always very antagonistic to those who like Australia - we've accepted that you hated the place and couldn't wait to leave (you manage to tell us in each of your posts), but please don't assume that others feel the same way, or that because we visit the MBTUK thread that  we have a secret yearning to go back that we can't admit to.  The reality is, that Aus isn't for everyone, liking it or loving it is down to personal choice.  Please offer advice to those returning (or staying) without trying to knock other peoples personal decisions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Drumbeat]

8 hours ago, ali said:

Might be a difficult concept to understand, but some of us who are settled here, still feel that we can offer some genuine support to those who want to move back to their country of origin.  Your posts are always very antagonistic to those who like Australia - we've accepted that you hated the place and couldn't wait to leave (you manage to tell us in each of your posts), but please don't assume that others feel the same way, or that because we visit the MBTUK thread that  we have a secret yearning to go back that we can't admit to.  The reality is, that Aus isn't for everyone, liking it or loving it is down to personal choice.  Please offer advice to those returning (or staying) without trying to knock other peoples personal decisions.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nicely said Ali.
Home and Happy, if you’re so happy to be back in the UK why don’t you just forget Australia and stop coming into this forum with your negative comments? You seem very resentful of anyone enjoying their life in Australia - get over it and move on!

[Nemesis]

18 hours ago, Home and Happy said:

Don’t leave it too late tho as you want to get enough NI paid for your state pension. 

Actually you can do that from Australia, no need to move back first. 

[Bulya]

On 29/12/2019 at 01:25, Home and Happy said:

Well, I reckon you will be happy.  When you have that gut feeling, it’s really time to go.  U.K. is a great place to live now.  There’s not much down there compared to here, and you really are so isolated from everything out there.
 

Far better in Australia, if you get out and look.  And it isn’t isolated at all.  Strange comment.  

[Jemvin]

On 08/12/2019 at 05:54, samt4 said:

Hi everyone,

I’m a 31 year old female from England and have been living in Brisbane for 8 months now, whilst awaiting a decision on my partner visa. I have been dating my boyfriend for just over 2 years now, after meeting him right at the end of my working holiday visa. After a couple of long stints apart (me in the UK, him in Oz), we have been living together in Australia for 8 months now. However it feels completely different from my working visa, because I know it could be permanent. 

I am missing home a lot, mostly feeling disconnected from my family and friends but just as strongly missing the English countryside and London. I had both on my doorstep back home and I’m missing my countryside walks, as well as the culture/ history/ excitement of London. I don’t know if I’m looking at the UK with rose tinted glasses or whether I will feel like this permantely.

I realise that 8 months is not long enough to really know, and plan to give it 2 years at least to see how I feel after that, however I feel like if I was to have children (this is something I really want and preferably no later then 35 ish, so not much time left!), then I would want to go straight home to where I have support from my own family, am familiar/ comfortable with my surroundings and for my kids to have a British childhood. This is hard for me as I love the lifestyle in OZ and think its great you can get outdoors and active with your kids, but how much good will that be if I feel depressed about being here away from everyone I know?

I am undecided on the difference of raising kids in the UK vs Australia- if any parents have any views or advice on this I’d love to know! I’ve read a lot of posts already and views are mixed. I guess both countries have good education systems and pluses and minuses, etc so I guess it’s where the parents will feel happiest?

Ok I rambled in that topic for a while- what I am really feeling is that I will still feel like in wont want to be here in say 2 years time and I am struggling as my partner has his whole life here and I guess more to give up. He works in business/ property and has plans to develop some land, which is basically his life’s dream and he has all these long term plans for the future which would mean we would have to stay here.

He said that it’s the only thing from holding him back and that if it wasn’t for his work/ re development plans he would already be living in the UK. But he did say he would give everything up if necessary. Thing is how could I ever ask him to do such a thing?! And he says he likes the UK but I know he also loves the sunshine and blue sky (which we don’t get much of in the UK) and he gets kinda miserable when its cloudy. I also think he would find it hard to adjust to the UK (more people, the mindset of the people there, the weather, far from family). I’m not sure he realises how tough it is to move and I would feel horrible to make him give up all that he’s worked for over the past 10 years or so, building his business/ plans up from scratch.

Do I sacrifice my happiness for him? Or does he do the same for me? I’m worried that I’m getting older and I would like to start a family within the next few years but our living arrangements might alter that and I do not want to wait until im in my late 30’s to start having kids (especially if I want more than 1!). My partner is not even thinking about proposing, let alone kids but I feel like we need to think about this as I would like to settle somewhere first (and soon).

I have spoken to him about all of this and he feels bad that I’m having a hard time adjusting but realistically there’s not much he can do. I feel a bit up and down, sometimes depressed when he works a lot, as I am on my own otherwise. I have job from home and have made no friends, so I feel bored and isolated here. There’s not a huge amount to do in Brisbane it seems. Everything is at least an hours drive away which is too far. I’m a bit sick of going into the city, with about 2 shops I actually buy clothes from, and going for the occasionally walk in the bush- I miss the culture and pretty villages of the UK.

Thing is it’s like I don’t want to make friends, I have no energy to put on that smiley face and get out there. I know it will help me but its like I don’t want to try because I don’t want to settle here in my heart. I realise there’s lots of things could be doing such as joining social clubs, sports groups etc but I can’t bring myself to do those things just now. I feel detached from my family, even though I’m probably messaging them more than I would normally do if I was back home. It’s like I’m not part of my family anymore. I miss everything about home and it is really where I would like to raise kids, to be able to see my sisters children if they eventually have them. But then someone is going to have to give up their whole life- how do you decide who?! Could I live with the guilt if I asked my partner to move to the UK?

If anyone ese has had this struggle and come out the other side- or who has moved back home, then I would love to here your thoughts and advice! Sorry for the long post!

I felt a real need to reply when I saw this post as it’s veey similar to what was my situation. I was 23 when I moved to Aus for my partner. I always told him I’d want to go home one day, and he said he would. We had a lovely house. He had a good job in new housing like yours and earned good money. We had a son years later and I had very bad post natal depression I was so home sick I didn’t have any help or family. A few years I stuck it out and this year we moved back. My partner didn’t really want too. Although he always said he would. H wasn’t happy about it and He hasn’t stopped complaining about the county the lack of income the rent the old houses. How he can’t achive his goals etc. He can’t get a job anhthing like what he had there or that pays like that in sales. I am your age now and we are really struggling. I know it’s harsh to say but one of you either way will always be unhappy or homesick. If there’s any issues or warning sighs on your relationship run now. Because you’ll end up in a very bad situation. Especially when kids are involved. And if you have any there you may get stuck there. I really hope for your sake it works out. It took me Untill the 7 year mark untill aus felt like another home to me. And it took having kids to make my own friends. Also to get a partner visa for the uk was hard and we had to have a lot of money. So make sure you look into that aswell. I’m here if you have any other questions. Make sure you have a good honest chat to your partner about the options and the reality of living in the uk and his real job options and income/ expense of living. 

Also if you really feel this way maybe come back for a trial for a few months. Holiday vs living here are also different. 

 

[bunbury61]

On 14/12/2019 at 22:17, Quoll said:

I’d agree with that - as far as whatever “settled” means. I guess the niggles started for me at about 20 years and hit peak loathing at 30. But right at the beginning I just landed and slotted right in. I don’t think there’s an x time that you have to bang your head against the wall for in hope of making your headache go away.

Quoll - are you back in Canberra?

If so , how are you getting on with the bloody smoke 

It's on the news here 

Section from Canberra yesterday on sky 

[Quoll]

46 minutes ago, bunbury61 said:

Quoll - are you back in Canberra?

If so , how are you getting on with the bloody smoke 

It's on the news here 

Section from Canberra yesterday on sky 

Yup, back until the end of the month then home for a couple of months before moving back permanently.

Bloody smoke indeed! I’m doing better than I thought I would - we are well masked up and the DS is über prepared because he’s already been burnt out once. Several of his friends have lost homes in Gippsland and the fires still rumble on there so there may be more. I’ve had to miss my walks - funny, in 8 years in UK I can count on one hand the times that’s happened for me but it’s been several days here already! Not something you can really “dress” for although I do look chic in a P2!

[bunbury61]

19 minutes ago, Quoll said:

Yup, back until the end of the month then home for a couple of months before moving back permanently.

Bloody smoke indeed! I’m doing better than I thought I would - we are well masked up and the DS is über prepared because he’s already been burnt out once. Several of his friends have lost homes in Gippsland and the fires still rumble on there so there may be more. I’ve had to miss my walks - funny, in 8 years in UK I can count on one hand the times that’s happened for me but it’s been several days here already! Not something you can really “dress” for although I do look chic in a P2!

All the best - as soon as canberra flashed up on the box - I Immediately thought of you 

All the best - look after yourself , good  luck for the future

[Home and Happy]

U.K. is the best country in the world period.  

Soon as brexits done in 2 weeks it will be even better.

[vickyplum]

On 29/12/2019 at 01:21, Home and Happy said:

Don’t leave it too late tho as you want to get enough NI paid for your state pension.

You can pay your NICs every year, or do a bulk top up. There's no reason to be in the UK for that!

Edited January 15, 2020 by vickyplum

[scousers]

If you feel that unsettled now it will only get worse in my opinion. Ive been in oz 31 years now didn’t feel right from the start but stuck it out. Now i feel so scared of the future i often wonder how bad it will get. I wish i had gone home back then. I have a great group of pom friends now gave up on the aussies as just nothing in common. I don’t get them and they don’t get me. But i think of home every day. Don't force something to work that just isn't, i did and  i wish i had gone home where i feel safe and secure. Stuck here for now. Best wishes

[Vickie78]

44 minutes ago, scousers said:

If you feel that unsettled now it will only get worse in my opinion. Ive been in oz 31 years now didn’t feel right from the start but stuck it out. Now i feel so scared of the future i often wonder how bad it will get. I wish i had gone home back then. I have a great group of pom friends now gave up on the aussies as just nothing in common. I don’t get them and they don’t get me. But i think of home every day. Don't force something to work that just isn't, i did and  i wish i had gone home where i feel safe and secure. Stuck here for now. Best wishes

So much this. I 'm sorry you are stuck though scousers. This is why We are going though, we just don't fit, and yes 26 years later,it's time to go. So yes, don't waste time like we have just putting up with it, hoping it will get better, hoping you will get there. Follow your gut