how to deal with creep at work

[annatour]

some advice pls!! Not sure if I am just too cossetted by uk's work laws but...here is the situation.

started a new Job. I live on the coast in a tiny town full of rural types, son of whom have never left the region, so I am talking about ultra parochial.

I swim quite a bit and also love walking along the beach. First day at work some of my co workers asked me what I was doing after work. I replied, walking and swimming.

next day I am approached by a male approx 60 years old who says leerily "how was the skinny dip?" (I never swam as It was too cold). To which I replied "I did not swim it was too cold". Now each time I see him he asks me if I have been skinny dipping. I got a bit concerned for safety reasons as the beach I empty rural and remote. I asked my husband to meet me after work and walk home with me. That afternoon the man came over to.me and said "are you going skinny dipping", I said "my husband is meeting me" to which he replied " he is going to walk with you on the beach".

all a bit odd or am I over reacting. Is this normal banter or not? How would you deal with this man?

personally he makes me feel humiliated, scared and angry with these comments. What should I do.

[Quoll]

Probably not normal banter especially if he is continually lurking around the sand dunes and your initial "leerily" comment is probably colouring your thinking in hindsight.  I'd ask a local friend if you have one - just a "oh I had a weird experience the other day" kinda thing and see if they chuckle and say "oh yes Old George, he's always asking" or if they tell you to run fast in the opposite direction of course.  Either avoid the beach if you can, take a dog, take martial arts lessons, carry a can of hair spray or any other personal protection device you may have.  If you do see him again, dont engage at all and if it continues check out the local cop shop, they generally know.  

[annatour]

thanks for you comment, the man works at the same place as me!

[Toots]

Oh that makes it a bit awkward if you work at the same place.  He sounds like a classic perv.  If I didn't know better I'd think it was the same man who lurks around Devonport here in Tassie.  He's about 60 and makes the most inappropriate comments.  I see him when I'm dog walking and put up with his comments then he will suddenly appear in front of me at the local library again with his silly comments and lo and behold there he is again at the shopping centre - again making weird comments.  Like you I used to feel a tad angry and embarrassed but now I just think of him as an annoying pest - harmless but a pest.  A couple of other people have also commented on his behaviour.  Too bad you have to work at the same place.  Tell other people at your workplace about his behaviour and that it makes you feel very uncomfortable.   

[Quoll]

Aha, that's a different ballgame! Talk to your supervisor unless he is the supervisor in which case go to the supervisor's supervisor.  Is he giving you weird comments in the workplace or are you seeing the stalking behaviour outside the workplace only?  How big is your husband and would he be a good street scrapper? (Vicarious protection). 

[newjez]

I wouldn't ask your husband to intervene - tempting as that is.

How confident are you is my question? Australians don't get subtlety. If you are going to respond it has to be loud, decisive and obvious. 

Next time he says it, I would reply, in a very loud voice,

"You're not one of those sexual deviants are you George? I've heard about them, but I've never seen one before, although I've heard they hand around in the sand dunes. Just in case you were wondering, if I was going to have an extra marital affair, it wouldn't be with an old ugly fucker like you"

Take it as far as you feel confident, but the brasher the better. 

Or - report it if you don't feel confident handling it yourself.

[Tulip1]

Why not just let him know. He could be a creepy perv or he could just be a tad unusual and that’s his chat. Just say it’s a bit awkward but you keep saying this sort of thing to me and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, can you please not do it again. If he’s an ok chap albeit a little strange he will say I’m sorry I had no idea and that’s the end of it. If he doesn’t it’s move to the next step. Communication is the way to go, certainly the starting point 

Edited October 28, 2019 by Tulip1

[tea4too]

1 hour ago, Tulip1 said:

Why not just let him know. He could be a creepy perv or he could just be a tad unusual and that’s his chat. Just say it’s a bit awkward but you keep saying this sort of thing to me and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, can you please not do it again. If he’s an ok chap albeit a little strange he will say I’m sorry I had no idea and that’s the end of it. If he doesn’t it’s move to the next step. Communication is the way to go, certainly the starting point 

I agree, but would suggest choosing your words carefully. If he is trying to intimidate he may not be discouraged to learn that he makes you feel uncomfortable. Perhaps explain that while you appreciate he is not trying to offend, you find constant references to skinny dipping inappropriate and would prefer them to stop. Hopefully that will be the end of it. However be prepared for him to switch things around and accuse you of having no sense of humour, but try not to get drawn into apologising or explaining.  You are at work, in a professional environment, and it is not unreasonable to expect work colleagues to act professionally. If he can't or won't do that, take the matter up the line.  T x

 

[newjez]

Who brought up the skinny dipping anyway? You just mentioned swimming - you didn't mention skinny dipping. Not judging - done it myself from time to time. Just wondering where he got that from.

[Quoll]

You could try the old country humour, without letting him know that he creeps  you out with a straight look and a "Put a sock in it, that is getting old now!" And walk on by. 

[annatour]

thanks for the input.

not sure where the skinny dipping came from as I only said swimming

he has said It to me 3 times

 

ok wont get hubby involved as it will result in fisticuffs

however what if I kick him in the nuts?

brawn or brains?

words or punches?

or just speak really loudly:

"leave me alone! Stop sexual comments! Stop harassing me! Go away!"

would that work?

Edited October 28, 2019 by annatour

[Toots]

4 minutes ago, annatour said:

thanks for the input.

not sure where the skinny dipping came from as I only said swimming

he has said It to me 3 times

 

ok wont get hubby involved as it will result in fisticuffs

however what if I kick him in the nuts?

brawn or brains?

words or punches

I didn't say anything to my husband either.  He would have come over all protective and there would have been a bit of shouting if he met the bloke.  I can fight my own battles.    Definitely let people at your workplace know how you feel about your pervy bloke.  It would be tempting to kick him in the nuts but well chosen words will work just as well.  Hope he leaves you alone now though.

[ali]

I agree with Tulip - say something even if it's just "I don't find your comments acceptable" - if he continues after that then you escalate it to his manager/HR

[annatour]

9 hours ago, newjez said:

I wouldn't ask your husband to intervene - tempting as that is.

How confident are you is my question? Australians don't get subtlety. If you are going to respond it has to be loud, decisive and obvious. 

Next time he says it, I would reply, in a very loud voice,

"You're not one of those sexual deviants are you George? I've heard about them, but I've never seen one before, although I've heard they hand around in the sand dunes. Just in case you were wondering, if I was going to have an extra marital affair, it wouldn't be with an old ugly fucker like you"

Take it as far as you feel confident, but the brasher the better. 

Or - report it if you don't feel confident handling it yourself.

yes I will try this and let you all know the reaction! This seems the best response, bearing in mind this is an uneducated oik who would not get subtlety.

Edited October 28, 2019 by annatour

[samlab]

Try something like... Looking him in the eye without smiling and saying ...I don’t go skinny dipping? What made you think I did? 

That way it’s direct but your not accusing him of anything either. It should make him think about what he’s saying.

[Red Rose]

This is classic sexual harassment, ie conduct of a sexual nature that is unwanted / uninvited that causes the recipient to feel intimidated / humiliated / offended. The conduct only needs to occur once to amount to harassment. In your instance it’s happened to you three times.

I work in professional conduct in Sydney (I won’t say who for) and if this was investigated and the allegations were found substantiated, we would probably dismiss for this.

If you have not done so already diarise with dates, locations all the occasions this has happened with the exact words he said to you and raise it with your supervisor.

If it is investigated the difficulty may be proving the conduct as it does not sound like there are witnesses who could corroborate the complaint. However this should not put you off raising the issue. No one should put up with being sexually harassed. 

[wrussell]

A left to the head, a right to the head and when he goes down kick him under the jaw and smash his teeth, or get our husband to do it. That is what husband are for.

[wrussell]

Here is how I dealt with similar:

We were  in  a  shopping  centre  in Manila  buying  a

few  things  for  the  boys,  jeans  two  sizes  big  and  a  tape

player, jackets that will be worn out by the time they fit. The

Frenchman  pushed  past  Joy  on  the  stairs  and  trod  on  her

foot. He might have been a little more careful if he had seen

me strolling ten paces behind. The damage was not serious.

Joy  lost  a  toenail and  the heel off  a  shoe.  I  jumped on  the

French foot hard enough to smash a few bones through his

walking boot. He was  screaming  for  the gendarmes before

he hit the deck. The guard looked the other way as I ran up

the  stairs. He kept  looking  the other way while we danced.

and the Pierre Carradins evened the score. One, two, three,

smash. It will be a long time before the Frog walks again. I

would  have  ruined  both  feet,  but  there  were  too  many

onlookers. I ripped on a crossover-strangle and made it look

as if I was trying to loosen his collar.

‘Poussette?’

The French have little time for you if you are unable to pun

in  the  lingua  Francais. He  can  think  about  that while  they

are  cutting  off  his  boot.  I  applied  mouth  to  mouth  with

Granny's surprise. He hated French.

‘Hors d’oevres.’

After about four seconds, if the strangle comes off suddenly,

they go out with a rush.

‘My  wife  lost  her  shoe  on  the  stairs  and  my

grandmother has dropped her phrase book down Louvre.’

No takers. Try English.

‘He must be having a heart attack.’

‘Husband, we had better call a doctor.’

‘Immediately. He is likely to wake up any minute.’

Getting out of these places is not simple. Purchases

are  paid  for  and  sent  to  guards  at  the  exit  to  be  claimed.

Shoplifters  don't  stand  a  chance.  The  wait  was  more

interminable  than  usual.  We  were  still  waiting  when  the

guard came down carrying the broken heel.

‘Is this yours, sir?’

‘Thank you. Yes. My wife lost it.’

‘Did you see an American leave, sir?’

‘There was an American. He ran that way.’

‘I will go that way and you go the other way.’

‘May I offer you something for bringing the heel?’

‘We have strict rules, sir.’

‘Did the American lose something?’

‘There was a small accident.’

‘My wife had one too.’

‘I saw it sir.’

‘I hope you find the American.’

‘How's your foot, wife?’

‘Better than the other guy.’

‘Better than the other bloke.’

She does her job and I do mine. The yanks get the blame for

everything.

 

 

 

[Zack]

On 28/10/2019 at 18:46, annatour said:

some advice pls!! Not sure if I am just too cossetted by uk's work laws but...here is the situation.

started a new Job. I live on the coast in a tiny town full of rural types, son of whom have never left the region, so I am talking about ultra parochial.

I swim quite a bit and also love walking along the beach. First day at work some of my co workers asked me what I was doing after work. I replied, walking and swimming.

next day I am approached by a male approx 60 years old who says leerily "how was the skinny dip?" (I never swam as It was too cold). To which I replied "I did not swim it was too cold". Now each time I see him he asks me if I have been skinny dipping. I got a bit concerned for safety reasons as the beach I empty rural and remote. I asked my husband to meet me after work and walk home with me. That afternoon the man came over to.me and said "are you going skinny dipping", I said "my husband is meeting me" to which he replied " he is going to walk with you on the beach".

all a bit odd or am I over reacting. Is this normal banter or not? How would you deal with this man?

personally he makes me feel humiliated, scared and angry with these comments. What should I do.

. i know where you're coming from. This is the wild west. And these  Ockers will  take advantage if u know what i mean, This mug is trying it on. Your Husband  should have a word with him. . Go to there Police  and things could get nasty. These Ockers can get nasty and  stick together against poms or any other foreigners.