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Jemvin

3 months in the uk

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feeling confused.... which I’m sure is totally normal. Myself (British) and my Aussie partner and 3 yr old son moved back in June. Mostly because I have struggled missing family etc didn’t want to have another child far away after having terrible post natal problems. and felt like it was best to do it before staring school etc, my partner was never keen but always said he would. Also my dads health hasn’t been great so I never wanted to have regrets. But he is also an alcoholic, we stayed with my parents to start before we could find somewhere to live. But my meant to be sober father was drinking and turns nasty on us and gave us no choice to leave, after 6 weeks of living with friends we are now in a rental. Quite small, old £1000 a month in rent. My partner selling cars and with no experience but couldn’t find s job in home sales which is what he done in Aus earning a high income. We are feeling stressed and missing our home in Aus. I know it’s early days but it hasn’t gone how Imagined at all. I don’t want to give up so easily and the thought of possible being stuck in Aus does scare me too. I know my partner would fly home tomorrow if he could and he is constantly complaining about everything daily which is also taking its toll on me. Sorry for the rant I guess I’m seeking some kind of reassurance or stories  from others 

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Hi Jemvin, I really feel for you. I can only suggest moving to another town/part of the country where your partner has better job prospects and where you might find cheaper housing. I'm certain others will be along shortly to offer wise advice. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

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I agree with Melbpom - it might be worth considering  re-locating to somewhere more affordable and to see if there is better job prospects for your partner.  Do you work? Have you been able to find a job?  It sounds like it's been a very difficult start to living back in the UK and as you say not as you imagined which will be added stress on you both.  Your partner must be feeling it too with the reduced income, doing a job he has no experience in - he's bound to be yearning for what he knows.  Keep communicating with each other and talking out and accepting the difficulties each of you are having re-adjusting.  Hopefully it will get better for you.

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I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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Thank you both! My only worry about relocating is more isolation. Closer to city’s for jobs is also more expensive housing. Everywhere with in an hour seems same rent prices and I don’t like the idea of going up north or somewhere as defeats the purpose of retuning to uk 

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2 hours ago, Jemvin said:

I don’t like the idea of going up north or somewhere as defeats the purpose of retuning to uk 

Can I suggest exploring other areas of the country, just like you would have done when you first arrived in Australia? Pick random locations, get in the car on the weekend and ask yourself if you envisage life there?

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5 hours ago, Jemvin said:

 the thought of possible being stuck in Aus does scare me too. 

This is the thought you have to cling to.  

If you were saying, "I miss my home in Australia and I realise I prefer life there",  then I might suggest you up sticks and go back.  But if you dread the thought of being stuck in Australia forever, then DO NOT GO BACK, because the likelihood is that you would get stuck.

Once you're back in Australia and your partner is settled back in his old life, there's no way he'll agree to try moving again.  He'll be able to say, "We tried it and it didn't work, tell me why it would be any different this time?"  And you'll have no answer. 

So, you'll buckle down and get on with life in Australia, hoping that one day you might be able to go home - but when the kids are in high school, your partner will say it would be bad to disrupt their education.  By the time the kids have left school, they've got their own friends and maybe even a partner - they'll be Aussies and they don't want to live in the UK anyway.  Maybe when you retire?  But then your own children may have grandchildren by then and how can you leave them?

Mixed marriages are always difficult and the move has been made worse by all the setbacks you've experienced.  Hang in there and I hope things improve soon.

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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6 hours ago, Jemvin said:

feeling confused.... which I’m sure is totally normal. Myself (British) and my Aussie partner and 3 yr old son moved back in June. Mostly because I have struggled missing family etc didn’t want to have another child far away after having terrible post natal problems. and felt like it was best to do it before staring school etc, my partner was never keen but always said he would. Also my dads health hasn’t been great so I never wanted to have regrets. But he is also an alcoholic, we stayed with my parents to start before we could find somewhere to live. But my meant to be sober father was drinking and turns nasty on us and gave us no choice to leave, after 6 weeks of living with friends we are now in a rental. Quite small, old £1000 a month in rent. My partner selling cars and with no experience but couldn’t find s job in home sales which is what he done in Aus earning a high income. We are feeling stressed and missing our home in Aus. I know it’s early days but it hasn’t gone how Imagined at all. I don’t want to give up so easily and the thought of possible being stuck in Aus does scare me too. I know my partner would fly home tomorrow if he could and he is constantly complaining about everything daily which is also taking its toll on me. Sorry for the rant I guess I’m seeking some kind of reassurance or stories  from others 

People often view the UK with rose colored glasses. It is what it is, as is Australia. You could wait till you go through winter to decide. But I can't see your mood improving. But at least you will know for sure.

You need to have a good think and decide where you want to be.

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8 hours ago, Jemvin said:

feeling confused.... which I’m sure is totally normal. Myself (British) and my Aussie partner and 3 yr old son moved back in June. Mostly because I have struggled missing family etc didn’t want to have another child far away after having terrible post natal problems. and felt like it was best to do it before staring school etc, my partner was never keen but always said he would. Also my dads health hasn’t been great so I never wanted to have regrets. But he is also an alcoholic, we stayed with my parents to start before we could find somewhere to live. But my meant to be sober father was drinking and turns nasty on us and gave us no choice to leave, after 6 weeks of living with friends we are now in a rental. Quite small, old £1000 a month in rent. My partner selling cars and with no experience but couldn’t find s job in home sales which is what he done in Aus earning a high income. We are feeling stressed and missing our home in Aus. I know it’s early days but it hasn’t gone how Imagined at all. I don’t want to give up so easily and the thought of possible being stuck in Aus does scare me too. I know my partner would fly home tomorrow if he could and he is constantly complaining about everything daily which is also taking its toll on me. Sorry for the rant I guess I’m seeking some kind of reassurance or stories  from others 

I know exactly how you feel, been there, done that ( still doing it ! ) and there is no easy answer unfortunately.

However, and this is just my personal opinion,  I think for day to day living then life in Australia beats the UK by far. It was suggested that you stay through a winter here, good idea as that will certainly help sort out your feelings, and if you have to go to work in the frost and snow, that will certainly help you decide !

And, as for moving back for family, I never think that is a sufficient reason alone for moving back to the UK, unless you have many other reasons for wanting to stay in the UK like a good job etc, and I speak from personal experience on that. Being apart from family at times of crisis is very hard to deal with, I’ve had enormous feelings of guilt on that front, but that is part and parcel of life when we all decide to emigrate.

I don’t see it as “giving up” at all, moving back to the UK is not always what you think it would be like, even if you were born and bred here. Trouble is, once one has tasted life in Australia, it makes this type of decision hard, it will always have a pull on you I think.

I wish you lots of luck.

 

 

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Left UK 1990 / WA for 28 years / UK / returning Australia April 2020.

 

 

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I read your post three times and then ruminated about it and I noticed part of one sentence which I highlighted -....... " and missing our home in Aus" . I wondered if it is specifically your house that you miss in Australia - because you don't like the one in England, or more generally "home in Australia?" Perhaps you could draw up a list of the pros and cons of both countries which might help?

I am single so I have never had to consider the needs of a partner although I did suffer guilt for splitting the family up when I came to Australia. My two brothers and I came one by one between November, 1978 and September, 1979, leaving my parents at home with my grandmother. I never saw my grandmother again after saying goodbye at Gatwick.

I went back to England for twelve years, not specifically because of homesickness, just circumstances, losing my job after fifteen years, having my parents still there.  I got a good job there, settled back in after a while, and after my parents passed away, eventually decided to come back to Sydney as my brothers were here and there was nobody back in England. That's three times that I've moved and it always takes time to settle, maybe like digging up a plant and re-planting it and seeing if it will "take" or not?

Perhaps give it a few more months, Christmas first, see how you both cope with winter. See if England "grows" on your partner, and you, and see how much you miss Australia?

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22 hours ago, Jemvin said:

Thank you both! My only worry about relocating is more isolation. Closer to city’s for jobs is also more expensive housing. Everywhere with in an hour seems same rent prices and I don’t like the idea of going up north or somewhere as defeats the purpose of retuning to uk 

But anywhere you live in the UK will be close to your family than Australia is! We literally picked a central place here and have ended up in a lovely village in Nottinghamshire. Sure, I don’t see my family every day or even week sometimes but I see them more than I did when I lived in Australia! 

Good luck with your decisions 

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4 hours ago, Martinbjulieb said:

But anywhere you live in the UK will be close to your family than Australia is! We literally picked a central place here and have ended up in a lovely village in Nottinghamshire. Sure, I don’t see my family every day or even week sometimes but I see them more than I did when I lived in Australia! 

Good luck with your decisions 

That's exactly what I thought.  When we lived in the UK we were nearly 4 hours from my Mum and 4 hours in the opposite direction from husband's Mum.  We still managed to see them whenever we wanted to.  We visited them or they visited us.  

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16 hours ago, Martinbjulieb said:

But anywhere you live in the UK will be close to your family than Australia is! We literally picked a central place here and have ended up in a lovely village in Nottinghamshire. Sure, I don’t see my family every day or even week sometimes but I see them more than I did when I lived in Australia! 

Good luck with your decisions 

A similar thought occurred to me. We live 200 miles from our nearest relatives and it's not a problem as we've found it fairly easy to maintain regular contact. It possibly helps that no matter where you live in the UK you can share a bit of banter on common issues such as the weather, NHS grumbles, political shenanigans and such like while also getting to share  the important stuff like birthday celebrations, weddings, Christmas, children growing up and grandparents ageing. But for a small island Britain is very diverse, and it is possible to find a very different lifestyle depending on what you need and where you are prepared to go to find it. Although I accept  the weather is possibly a non negotiable issue for some! T x 

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Appreciate the advice of moving but I  don’t think with my family circumstances it would really work out for us moving somewhere else here.esiaxilat as my Mum helps with childcare,  Another thing really pushing hubby atm is how much everything is costing us vs such a low income compared to what he has before. Argh 

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2 hours ago, Jemvin said:

Appreciate the advice of moving but I  don’t think with my family circumstances it would really work out for us moving somewhere else here.esiaxilat as my Mum helps with childcare,  Another thing really pushing hubby atm is how much everything is costing us vs such a low income compared to what he has before. Argh 

This doesn’t quite make sense. The alternative is to move back to Australia where she won’t be able to help with childcare either. 


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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I’m from the south of England - I love it, I really do. But if I was young with kids and looking for work life balance, I’d go North unless I absolutely had to be based down south for work. In the UK at the moment as a tourist - Newcastle and Leeds have struck me as fabulous places which are liveable with a short commute and relatively manageable house prices/rents. Hear great things about Scotland - even my mate working in Edinburgh commutes to work in half an hour and doesn’t earn a fortune. Yet she’s an hour away on a flight to Gatwick! I’d explore your options closer to home before throwing in the towel. You want to be sure of your decision- ping ponging is jolly expensive!

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9 hours ago, Marisawright said:

This doesn’t quite make sense. The alternative is to move back to Australia where she won’t be able to help with childcare either. 

Ah in Australia I could look after my son because my hubby was eating a high wage 

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1 hour ago, Chortlepuss said:

I’m from the south of England - I love it, I really do. But if I was young with kids and looking for work life balance, I’d go North unless I absolutely had to be based down south for work. In the UK at the moment as a tourist - Newcastle and Leeds have struck me as fabulous places which are liveable with a short commute and relatively manageable house prices/rents. Hear great things about Scotland - even my mate working in Edinburgh commutes to work in half an hour and doesn’t earn a fortune. Yet she’s an hour away on a flight to Gatwick! I’d explore your options closer to home before throwing in the towel. You want to be sure of your decision- ping ponging is jolly expensive!

Thanks maybe I should have a look into this 

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2 hours ago, Jemvin said:

Thanks maybe I should have a look into this 

We're in the process of moving back and are planning to live up North. Family is a massive reason for us heading back and while they are in the East Midlands the North will be a lot closer than Australia. Life looks like it is more affordable, and form what research we have done wages in my husbands line of work are good. 

Remember that there will also be a period of time in which you adjust, and it may take sometime before you find the right jobs and home etc. 

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2 hours ago, Jemvin said:

Thanks maybe I should have a look into this 

It has to be worth some proper research, if only to reassure yourself that you have done everything possible? Most Local Council websites are a good starting point for a range of information from amenities to what is going on in the area. Use sites such as Rightmove to check out properties and prices, and Indeed to get a feel for jobs and salaries. Thanks to the internet you can roam all over the country, even taking a virtual walk down a street hundreds of miles away if you need to. Being unhappy with where you live does not necessarily mean you cannot find happiness in the UK, but it probably does mean that you need to change something. I hope it works out for you, take care. T x 

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If you can survive a Winter and things start to improve I would stay. Otherwise start to plan your return. Having a bit of a map of where you want to be in the future will help - much better than uncertainty.

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1 hour ago, starlight7 said:

If you can survive a Winter and things start to improve I would stay. Otherwise start to plan your return. Having a bit of a map of where you want to be in the future will help - much better than uncertainty.

Try a winter here like starlight7 suggests, it will certainly help you decide.

For us, we prefer the UK during the winter rather than the summer.

Summer to us equals crowds, traffic and just sheer congestion at every turn. It's no fun leaving your front door ,especially during school holidays.

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Left UK 1990 / WA for 28 years / UK / returning Australia April 2020.

 

 

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On 20/09/2019 at 04:31, Jemvin said:

Appreciate the advice of moving but I  don’t think with my family circumstances it would really work out for us moving somewhere else here.esiaxilat as my Mum helps with childcare,  Another thing really pushing hubby atm is how much everything is costing us vs such a low income compared to what he has before. Argh 

How long will it be before your partner is really sick of it and it starts affecting your relationship? I wouldn't be risking my marriage for the sake of a parent who couldn't be bothered to stay sober for a while.

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People say that money doesn’t bring happiness but lack of it doesn’t, either - especially if you are used to having a bit more. Would you be able to return to Australia easily or would it be a big hassle ? Maybe have a bit of a browse of realestate.com.au to keep abreast of housing costs to see how realistic it would be.

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9 minutes ago, starlight7 said:

People say that money doesn’t bring happiness but lack of it doesn’t, either - especially if you are used to having a bit more. Would you be able to return to Australia easily or would it be a big hassle ? Maybe have a bit of a browse of realestate.com.au to keep abreast of housing costs to see how realistic it would be.

Thanks, we didn’t sell our house just incase and I got my citizenship so going back wouldn’t be trouble but then I would feel guilty to leave my mum and brother again 🤦🏼‍♀️ Suppose we can’t win. 

 

Everyones responses have definitely helped. We will see through the winter and take each day for now 

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"We will see through the winter and take each day for now"

Good plan! Also- there is nothing quite like the lovely British Springtime.

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