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Jilldesp

Anyone left a child behind?

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Hi, looking at moving back to OZ at the end of the year. However, my almost 18 year old son doesn’t want to go. He’s taking a gap year with his friend, to decide on his career choice. I feel like, although he will be travelling, I am abandoning him! My other kids, 12 and 15, are happy to return. Is it awful to leave 1 child? Has anyone done this? If so, can it work and what was the outcome? Thank you xxxx

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Of course it can work.  He's an adult now and he has to make his own choices.  I"m sure it's not even crossed his mind that you're "abandoning" him, he's probably looking forward to his independence.   I suspect it will be far more of a wrench for you to leave him than for him to see you go. 

If he really can't cope without you, then he always has the choice to hop on a plane and join you in Australia (assuming his visa is in order).  

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Yes I ‘left’  3 behind in UK when my husband went to work in Brunei for 10 years. They were aged  daughter 13, son 19, son 21. The 2 oldest were in University, and our daughter had to go to boarding school in England as there was no schooling for her then in Brunei over age of 14.

To be honest although I was Obviously concerned about our sons, they were adults, still dependant on us but and weren’t spending too much time at home at that age. 

Our daughter was so much harder to leave in UK for much of the year. I was fortunate that I had very cheap fares due to my husband’s job, so as well as her spending school holidays with us I could fly back occasionally and I had back up from her guardian my best friend.

The outcome, both sons seem to have coped fine, made them grow up even more and be independent.

Daughter much younger than your son and different circumstances did feel abandoned, understandable at that young age. Grown up to be a very strong independent female, travelled and lived in Mexico for 2 years in her early 20’s and Kenya a few years later.

I don’t tend to give advice on PIO, but the exception is make sure he has also has the visa and endorses it, so he can join you later with no problem. Have seen so many cases of children refusing to come with parents and the heartbreak later on when they can’t.

Apart from the above, let him go, he might have a great time, he might realise it’s not all that wonderful and follow you to Oz, who knows, but perhaps it’s up to him to find his path.

Good luck I know it hurts, We have all missed out on family time, but ours are now in their late 30’S and mid 40’s . We now live in Australia, the 2 younger followed us  here, the oldest is in UK with our grandsons, but we have always made sure we keep lots in touch and still love each other lots.

 

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2 hours ago, Jilldesp said:

Hi, looking at moving back to OZ at the end of the year. However, my almost 18 year old son doesn’t want to go. He’s taking a gap year with his friend, to decide on his career choice. I feel like, although he will be travelling, I am abandoning him! My other kids, 12 and 15, are happy to return. Is it awful to leave 1 child? Has anyone done this? If so, can it work and what was the outcome? Thank you xxxx

Abandoning him??  I joined the military at 17 years and 3 months, is he not capable of looking after himself at 18 years of age?

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Yes, but he doesn’t own a home or a wage yet, And being on the other side of the world from him is causing me some worry. I guess normal feelings for any parent. 

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55 minutes ago, Jilldesp said:

Yes, but he doesn’t own a home or a wage yet, And being on the other side of the world from him is causing me some worry. I guess normal feelings for any parent. 

Yup you'll get over it. 

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11 hours ago, Bulya said:

Abandoning him??  I joined the military at 17 years and 3 months, is he not capable of looking after himself at 18 years of age?

Slightly different. You probably had your parents a few hours away and we’re living under the umbrella of the military with help to hand for any help you would of needed.  

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Everyone’s different and only you can make the decision.  Would I be happy moving to the other side of the world to a 17 year old child of mine, never.  Not only do I think that is quite young to be alone (although they may have close family nearby, you haven’t said) but it certainly wouldn’t bring me happiness. Certainly not saying others are wrong, we are all different but I wouldn’t do it

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3 minutes ago, Tulip1 said:

Everyone’s different and only you can make the decision.  Would I be happy moving to the other side of the world to a 17 year old child of mine, never.  Not only do I think that is quite young to be alone (although they may have close family nearby, you haven’t said) but it certainly wouldn’t bring me happiness. Certainly not saying others are wrong, we are all different but I wouldn’t do it

I'd struggle.  Our friends daughter remained in the UK living with her grandmother to finish A levels - she was always going to join her parents though and go to Uni in Aus


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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6 hours ago, Jilldesp said:

Yes, but he doesn’t own a home or a wage yet, And being on the other side of the world from him is causing me some worry. I guess normal feelings for any parent. 

Not as normal as you might think.

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Thanks for all the responses. Hopefully I might persuade him in time 😏xxx

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2 hours ago, Jilldesp said:

Thanks for all the responses. Hopefully I might persuade him in time 😏xxx

Will he have his father in the UK ?


I want it all, and I want it now.

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No! We are all going with other 2 kids before visa runs out. Thomas doesn’t want to return😞x

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7 hours ago, Tulip1 said:

Slightly different. You probably had your parents a few hours away and we’re living under the umbrella of the military with help to hand for any help you would of needed.  

They were in Woomera, I was in Melbourne.  A little more than a ‘few hours away’

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2 hours ago, Jilldesp said:

No! We are all going with other 2 kids before visa runs out. Thomas doesn’t want to return😞x

If your visa is about to run out, then so is his.   That's something to be aware of - if he's unhappy on his own and subsequently wants to join you, he won't have a valid visa and won't be able to just hop on a plane, he'll have to apply for a RRV.

Obviously, he won't meet the residency requirement for a RRV so it won't be approved automatically, which means there could be a delay of weeks or even months before he gets approval.  

The good news is that if his whole family is in Australia, then he shouldn't have a problem demonstrating "strong ties" and therefore I'm pretty sure he'd be in a strong position to get the RRV.  However it might be safer to have a quick consultation with a migration agent to check that's correct.  

 


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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18 hours ago, Bulya said:

They were in Woomera, I was in Melbourne.  A little more than a ‘few hours away’

Compared to a 24 hour flight away not to mention extra hours getting to an airport and having to be there a few hours before the flight your parents were certainly far closer. However, the biggest difference is you were not on your own, you were in the military and had access to every possible help you could have ever needed. There is little comparison between a not yet 18 year old alone with their parents on the other side of the world and a 17 year old joining the military with accommodation, food and everything to hand you could need. Your wellbeing and safety would have been of paramount importance to your commanding officer, the young man in question does not have that safety blanket. 

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