DREAM AND PLANS HAVE COME TO AN END

[Aussiebird]

Im devestated, my husband now doesnt want to move back to Australia. He is too scared to leave his job here in the UK as he thinks its too risky to make the move again incase he doesnt get work in Australia. 

I just cant fight this anymore, he clams up and avoid decisions and discussion. 

I just wanted thank those of you who replied to all my questions.

Kind regards.

[Amber Snowball]

13 minutes ago, Aussiebird said:

Im devestated, my husband now doesnt want to move back to Australia. He is too scared to leave his job here in the UK as he thinks its too risky to make the move again incase he doesnt get work in Australia. 

I just cant fight this anymore, he clams up and avoid decisions and discussion. 

I just wanted thank those of you who replied to all my questions.

Kind regards.

Oh no. Your plan was for a couple of years time wasn’t it? Maybe things will change and work situation might look better in Australia at that time. 

You won’t be alone in your mixed marriage difficulties. It’s very hard being somewhere you don’t want to be and even harder if he won’t talk. Could you coax him along to some counselling? A trained 3rd party might be able to get him to articulate his thoughts. 

Do you think he just doesn’t want to move and is using work as an excuse or does he have a particularly good job in the UK?

I feel for you, you have been so busy on the forum getting information and advice.

Not much else I can say really. So sorry for you.

[Aussiebird]

9 minutes ago, Amber Snowball said:

Oh no. Your plan was for a couple of years time wasn’t it? Maybe things will change and work situation might look better in Australia at that time. 

You won’t be alone in your mixed marriage difficulties. It’s very hard being somewhere you don’t want to be and even harder if he won’t talk. Could you coax him along to some counselling? A trained 3rd party might be able to get him to articulate his thoughts. 

Do you think he just doesn’t want to move and is using work as an excuse or does he have a particularly good job in the UK?

I feel for you, you have been so busy on the forum getting information and advice.

Not much else I can say really. So sorry for you.

Thank you Amber for your reply.

Yes i have been so busy trying to plan it all, even exhausted myself at one point because i wanted to make sure everything was just right for the move. I probably drove people mad on here asking so many questions!!

His job here is ok, its shift work, nights and days, which he is well used too. He did the same in Australia on the wharf,  he loved his job there. His UK one is quite well paid but i think there are other reasons too, like leaving his parents (who are healthy) and selling our home....his parents didnt support our move last time and were devestated when we left......he has a sister here too who is local......

He was ready for a change when we did it before but because we are settled and he has a good job i think it scares the pants off him doing it all again. I do understand and it would have been a risk but personally, i think its his parents that are the reason, he just couldnt put them through the devestation again. I do understand that too but life is too short as well and our son (14) wants to go back too.

Xx

[Aussiebird]

18 minutes ago, Amber Snowball said:

Oh no. Your plan was for a couple of years time wasn’t it? Maybe things will change and work situation might look better in Australia at that time. 

You won’t be alone in your mixed marriage difficulties. It’s very hard being somewhere you don’t want to be and even harder if he won’t talk. Could you coax him along to some counselling? A trained 3rd party might be able to get him to articulate his thoughts. 

Do you think he just doesn’t want to move and is using work as an excuse or does he have a particularly good job in the UK?

I feel for you, you have been so busy on the forum getting information and advice.

Not much else I can say really. So sorry for you.

Yes our plans were for the end of 2020. He definitely wouldnt go to counselling, he is extremely stubborn. I just cant do it anymore so no point in asking him anything anymore. 

We had thought about extending our home to make profit so we could sell it and buy a home in Australia and be mortgage free (but still work) so maybe i should just concentrate on that and try and enjoy our new home which we bought in JULY 2018. We had discussed when we bought it that selling it to make the move to Australia was in our plans. 

I'll just have to see how things go but I'm obsessed with moving back so its going to be very hard.

Xx

[Amber Snowball]

18 minutes ago, Aussiebird said:

Yes our plans were for the end of 2020. He definitely wouldnt go to counselling, he is extremely stubborn. I just cant do it anymore so no point in asking him anything anymore. 

We had thought about extending our home to make profit so we could sell it and buy a home in Australia and be mortgage free (but still work) so maybe i should just concentrate on that and try and enjoy our new home which we bought in JULY 2018. We had discussed when we bought it that selling it to make the move to Australia was in our plans. 

I'll just have to see how things go but I'm obsessed with moving back so its going to be very hard.

Xx

It is a very difficult situation. Good idea in enjoying your new home and making the most of things. I wish you well. Maybe he will come around. 

[Aussiebird]

6 minutes ago, Amber Snowball said:

It is a very difficult situation. Good idea in enjoying your new home and making the most of things. I wish you well. Maybe he will come around. 

I hope he will. I just hope i dont end up resenting him but at the same time i dont want to be selfish either. I may just have to visit Australia once a year on my own as would be too expensive for the 3 of us to go every year. I have brothers in Australia so i can stay with them and see all our friends too. Maybe thats as close to moving back as im going to get. Xx

[Aussiebird]

13 minutes ago, Amber Snowball said:

It is a very difficult situation. Good idea in enjoying your new home and making the most of things. I wish you well. Maybe he will come around. 

I also hate british winters, not able to be out in the sun and warmth....i crave for it and i become very depressed in the winter here, feel like coming out of hibernation when spring time starts. I just hate it so much. Im very much an outdoor person and being Australian is in my blood!

[Amber Snowball]

1 minute ago, Aussiebird said:

I also hate british winters, not able to be out in the sun and warmth....i crave for it and i become very depressed in the winter here, feel like coming out of hibernation when spring time starts. I just hate it so much. Im very much an outdoor person and being Australian is in my blood!

Definitely need that annual holiday then! Preferably during January! He’ll just have to work harder for longer to allow you at least one holiday per year.

[Aussiebird]

6 minutes ago, Amber Snowball said:

Definitely need that annual holiday then! Preferably during January! He’ll just have to work harder for longer to allow you at least one holiday per year.

Great idea!! Xx

[ali]

Sorry to hear this Aussie Bird - having a holiday each year may be a good compromise for you.  Re feeling depressed during winter - consider getting a light box or changing some of the bulbs in your lights to brighter ones

[Aussiebird]

28 minutes ago, ali said:

Sorry to hear this Aussie Bird - having a holiday each year may be a good compromise for you.  Re feeling depressed during winter - consider getting a light box or changing some of the bulbs in your lights to brighter ones

Thank you Ali. Im all for compromise too, he cant have it all his own way!!

I dont think a light box or bulbs would help me, its the physical part of being couped up in doors when its damp, foggy, raining etc....freezing cold etc.....

My O/H has said tonight we will have a good chat on Wednesday. But im not getting too excited. Its actions i want to see, not words to hear! Lol!!

[Marisawright]

2 hours ago, Aussiebird said:

I also hate british winters, not able to be out in the sun and warmth....i crave for it and i become very depressed in the winter here, feel like coming out of hibernation when spring time starts. I just hate it so much. Im very much an outdoor person and being Australian is in my blood!

I'm so sorry to hear it hasn't worked out.  To be honest, I've been reading your posts on these forums, and I had a strong suspicion your husband didn't want to move.    I wonder if your hubby is like mine - if I want to do something and he doesn't, he won't say so outright.  Instead, he'll find some excuse to delay it for x amount of time.  Then when that time is up, he'll find another excuse to delay it again. And so on.

It drives me mad.  As far as I'm concerned, that's lying.  The way he sees it, he's being kind because he's not "killing my dream", and maybe he thinks he'll feel differenlty by the time the deadline looms - but of course, he never does!  

You might want to bear that in mind if you have the conversation on Wednesday and he holds out another hope of moving "in five years" or whatever. If he's like my oh, it probably isn't true - he's just trying to keep the peace. 

Edited February 17, 2019 by Marisawright

[Marisawright]

2 hours ago, Aussiebird said:

I also hate british winters, not able to be out in the sun and warmth....i crave for it and i become very depressed in the winter here, feel like coming out of hibernation when spring time starts. I just hate it so much. Im very much an outdoor person and being Australian is in my blood!

"Being Australian is in my blood" -  this is the heart of the matter.  You don't have to find reasons why you need to be back in Australia, you just do.  

Some people have a deep connection to their homeland. They don't necessarily love it, in fact they can see all its faults:  it's just that they never feel quite right unless they're on home soil. Often, they don't even know that's how they feel until they move to another country, and realise that "something's missing".    

There are people on these forums who are living in Australia and think the lifestyle is great, they have a better career, they like the place - but they are yearning go back to the UK once they've made their money, because there's a part of their soul that's missing, and no amount of money or sun can make up for that. 

I think that's how you feel about Australia - but have you considered, maybe your husband feels the same way about the UK?   Maybe he realised, when he got back to the UK after your last stay in Australia, that he was "home", and it felt so good to be whole again, he hates the thought of leaving. No doubt he can see the advantages of life in Australia so he feels  foolish saying he can't bear the thought of leaving his homeland.  He may not even be able to put it into words.

If that's the case then I feel for you.  If you're both equally attached to your homeland, then there is no answer because there's no halfway point - either you stay in the UK so he'll be happy and you'll feel homesick for the rest of your life, or you stay in Australia so you'll be happy and he'll feel homesick for the rest of his life.   

Edited February 17, 2019 by Marisawright

[Quoll]

I sympathise, being in a mixed marriage always, sadly, has the potential for one to have it all and the other to have nothing of what they want - for me it was the other direction but the feelings are the same and just as debilitating. If your fixation on Australia begins to interfere with your every day life then you might want to consider counselling for yourself (my preference is CBT but others prefer more mindfulness techniques) but I think marriage counselling for the pair of you is probably the way to go so that you can have an impartial third party help you work out a compromise situation.  Either way, you're lucky in that your choice is between two first world countries, so that's a bit of a bonus. 

[Aussiebird]

14 hours ago, Marisawright said:

I'm so sorry to hear it hasn't worked out.  To be honest, I've been reading your posts on these forums, and I had a strong suspicion your husband didn't want to move.    I wonder if your hubby is like mine - if I want to do something and he doesn't, he won't say so outright.  Instead, he'll find some excuse to delay it for x amount of time.  Then when that time is up, he'll find another excuse to delay it again. And so on.

It drives me mad.  As far as I'm concerned, that's lying.  The way he sees it, he's being kind because he's not "killing my dream", and maybe he thinks he'll feel differenlty by the time the deadline looms - but of course, he never does!  

You might want to bear that in mind if you have the conversation on Wednesday and he holds out another hope of moving "in five years" or whatever. If he's like my oh, it probably isn't true - he's just trying to keep the peace. 

Hi, thanks for your reply. You are absolutely right in what you say, it's the same situation as me. 

I think come Wednesday he will clam up again and I will know for absolute sure that it's not going to happen. Sometimes I think it really is the dreaded thought of telling his parents and there reaction that is making him like this, so he will just find excuses instead. I wonder if he did tell them our plans he would feel like a weight has been lifted and he would actually embrace the thought of going, I think the guilt is playing a big part here. I am just going to wait and see what Wednesday brings. (It's our day off work together so he said we can talk then). 

Xx

[Aussiebird]

13 hours ago, Marisawright said:

"Being Australian is in my blood" -  this is the heart of the matter.  You don't have to find reasons why you need to be back in Australia, you just do.  

Some people have a deep connection to their homeland. They don't necessarily love it, in fact they can see all its faults:  it's just that they never feel quite right unless they're on home soil. Often, they don't even know that's how they feel until they move to another country, and realise that "something's missing".    

There are people on these forums who are living in Australia and think the lifestyle is great, they have a better career, they like the place - but they are yearning go back to the UK once they've made their money, because there's a part of their soul that's missing, and no amount of money or sun can make up for that. 

I think that's how you feel about Australia - but have you considered, maybe your husband feels the same way about the UK?   Maybe he realised, when he got back to the UK after your last stay in Australia, that he was "home", and it felt so good to be whole again, he hates the thought of leaving. No doubt he can see the advantages of life in Australia so he feels  foolish saying he can't bear the thought of leaving his homeland.  He may not even be able to put it into words.

If that's the case then I feel for you.  If you're both equally attached to your homeland, then there is no answer because there's no halfway point - either you stay in the UK so he'll be happy and you'll feel homesick for the rest of your life, or you stay in Australia so you'll be happy and he'll feel homesick for the rest of his life.   

This is very true and I try to put myself in his shoes and try not to feel selfish that it's all me, me, me. He has actually said also, "what about what I want". So I say to him someone is going to get hurt in the end, I suppose because we lived in Australia not that long ago, and he loved it etc...I can't understand why he doesn't want to go back. I want to try and be fair to both of us and having counselling is just out of the question. We both wouldn't want that. We are very happily married but just need to get round this issue.

Xx

[Quoll]

Did he love it or tolerate it? And does he love where he is better? Its easy to put our own interpretation onto someone else's motives. I know that for many years my DH would have thought that I loved Australia just because he did  - I didn't, I tolerated it because I thought there was a chance that down the track we would move on and I could escape. It came as quite a shock to him that I didn't love it the way he did.

Another thing to bear in mind is your age - I've no idea how old you are but the older you get the harder it is to get work in Australia - see the post on here about people having to return to UK because they're over the hill in Aussie terms. So your DH might be being pragmatic there. 

Your compromise might be, like mine was, an annual sanity hit with a visit whenever you need to. Not ideal but better than no marriage.

Don't diss the ideas of counselling, sometimes it helps to clarify things and stop you going round in circles, doesn't mean your marriage is on the rocks 

[Marisawright]

24 minutes ago, Aussiebird said:

 we lived in Australia not that long ago, and he loved it etc...I can't understand why he doesn't want to go back. I want to try and be fair to both of us and having counselling is just out of the question. We both wouldn't want that. We are very happily married but just need to get round this issue.

Xx

The difficult thing about this is that there is no compromise possible.  Either you win or he wins - you can't live in the middle of the ocean.

The essence of your argument seems to be that you're deeply attached to Australia and you'll end up on anti-depressants if you don't go back.   Whereas he enjoyed living in Australia, so he can't possibly feel the same way about the UK.  

The question is, though - are you sure of that?  Is he good at articulating that kind of thing?   As Quoll said, it's not hard to enjoy a year or two in a foreign country if you know there's a chance you can escape eventually - especially if you know it makes your loved ones happy.  It doesn't mean you'd be happy spending your whole life there. 

 Ask yourself if it's possible he got back to the UK and realised how much he loved it, and how glad he was to be back - after all, he wouldn't be likely to tell you, knowing it would likely cause an argument.  

That's where counselling comes in.  It has nothing to do with whether your marriage is in trouble.  It's bringing an independent person into the conversation, someone who can bring out honest answers from both of you in a safe, controlled environment, so you both understand how the other feels. 

Edited February 18, 2019 by Marisawright

[Aussiebird]

4 hours ago, Quoll said:

Did he love it or tolerate it? And does he love where he is better? Its easy to put our own interpretation onto someone else's motives. I know that for many years my DH would have thought that I loved Australia just because he did  - I didn't, I tolerated it because I thought there was a chance that down the track we would move on and I could escape. It came as quite a shock to him that I didn't love it the way he did.

Another thing to bear in mind is your age - I've no idea how old you are but the older you get the harder it is to get work in Australia - see the post on here about people having to return to UK because they're over the hill in Aussie terms. So your DH might be being pragmatic there. 

Your compromise might be, like mine was, an annual sanity hit with a visit whenever you need to. Not ideal but better than no marriage.

Don't diss the ideas of counselling, sometimes it helps to clarify things and stop you going round in circles, doesn't mean your marriage is on the rocks 

These are all the things we can discuss on Wednesday,  so i hopefully can get more out of him. 

I am 49 and he is 44. I am a Phlebotomist and worked in this role in Australia.  He worked on the wharf on container ships as a Stevedore.

Xx

 

[Rachandian]

I can totally understand .

 

I am pining to be back there myself but my partners business here is going too well and we now have a toddler.

 

Maybe its something to think about for in a few years for us. However, id imagine a lot more rules will be in place . 

 

Im defiantly feeling it this week. It was 5 years ago today we left to start our working holiday visa for a year . Wouldn't it be great hey if close family members could and would come there too ..Forever lol

[Marisawright]

8 hours ago, Rachandian said:

I am pining to be back there myself but my partners business here is going too well and we now have a toddler.

Maybe its something to think about for in a few years for us. However, id imagine a lot more rules will be in place . 

Im defiantly feeling it this week. It was 5 years ago today we left to start our working holiday visa for a year . Wouldn't it be great hey if close family members could and would come there too ..Forever lol

Just make sure your partner knows how you feel and more importantly, that you know how he really feels.    Look at Aussiebird and me - we both have partners who are inclined to find excuses to delay, rather than risk an argument.   

So when you say, "I don't want to stay in Australia forever, I want to go home",  he says, "Yes, we will, but the business is doing too well right now".   Then in a few years when you raise it again, it's, "Yes, sure we will, but we can't go now because it will disrupt ...'s education, let's wait till they finish primary school".  Then a few years later, there'll be another reason - and before you know it, your child is going  to university, they meet someone, fall in love with an Australian, and that means if you go back you'll be going back without your child.  

I know you're not thinking that far ahead at your age, but the message is - make sure your husband is genuine about going back and not just playing delaying tactics.

[Quoll]

It's so easy to drift past the point of no return. Sometimes you just drift along because it's the easy thing to do then bingo it's too late!