Limboland

[Alex jamieson]

Hi,

i am living in limbo after 5 years of trying to settle in Oz. 

Our family of 4 live in Victoria- after 2 years in WA initially. We have made a good life here, good jobs, nice home, some friends, and the kids are happy and thriving. But I’m not. I’ve constantly tormented about staying or returning to the UK. 

Ive all but decided I need to go back- Aus will never feel like home, I belong in the UK, and miss fun, family friends, and laughter too much. However my OH doesn’t want to return ( although he will if I insist) and I’m so worried I’ll be messing my kids lives up.

my eldest daughter has Autism- she is doing well , has good friends and attends an alternative primary school. The wee un only knows Aus- she is very sporty and outdoorsy - she adores our closet friends and their kids/ sees them as her family. 

If we go back it has to be next year as they’d start High S and Primary - as 1st years in the UK. 

I also feel I have to go to support my ageing mum who has no other support and some special needs. The guilt of not being there for her is also all consuming.

so I wonder when others have faced these dilemmas what they have done? I feel like I would be sacrificing my happiness if I stay in Aus- but I wonder if I’m sacrificing my children’s happiness and opportunities if we return to the UK. 

We have applied for citizenship - so we’d always have the option of returning - Albeit impractical with my eldest daughter who has already endured about 7 different schools. 

All advice welcomed.

thanks 

[Marisawright]

Your kids will adapt. Education and career opportunities are just as good in the UK and Europe so their future will be fine. It sounds like you need to move or be miserable for the rest of your life

[LKC]

I was the one who was unhappy in Aus, and I tortured myself for a good three or four years. Putting on the smile, carrying on regardless of the fact that it was killing me inside. Our eldest daughter is autistic, but she got very little in the way of help at school, and had been bullied on and off. That said, Australia was all the girls knew, and I thought that I would be ruining their lives by even suggesting we move back to the UK.

Eventually things just came to a head. We came over to the UK on holiday, and I confessed to my OH that I just couldn't get back on the plane to Australia. So, we decided to talk about it when we got back, which we did, and just under a year later we arrived in Scotland, which is not somewhere we'd lived before but somewhere we had decided on starting a new adventure.

Fast forward a further 18 months and I can honestly say it is the very best thing I've ever done! Sadly OH and I separated, and are now living apart pending divorce, but I am so happy that we moved back, and wouldn't change anything at all. We live in a little village on the southern edge of the Highlands, and have been welcomed into the community. The kids have adjusted and are absolutely thriving! Eldest has had loads of help and support from school and the NHS with her autism/anxiety, they're both doing well in excellent schools, do after school clubs, have made loads of lovely friends. I've made lots of friends too, who have been utterly invaluable over the past few months. I am on the school PTA, I am on the village hall committee, retraining for a new job, the future really does look bright.

The UK and Australia are both fantastic countries, and I am extremely fortunate to be able to call both home should I want to. If you want my advice, I would get citizenship (which future-proofs your options), but then make plans to head back to the UK. Consider moving somewhere slightly different (or very different like we did), so that you're not going back, rather moving on. The kids will be fine. You might not be, if you stay.

[Alex jamieson]

Thank you both for replies.. it’s good to hear from someone with a child with Autism as that’s the biggest fear. Her current school is amazing and we’ve been lucky to make lovely friends from there. 

yes- we plan to move somewhere new if/when we return- has to be quiet as no longer can tolerate lots of people! I’m part Scottish so always appeals! 

Thanks 

 

[Toots]

14 hours ago, Alex jamieson said:

Hi,

i am living in limbo after 5 years of trying to settle in Oz. 

Our family of 4 live in Victoria- after 2 years in WA initially. We have made a good life here, good jobs, nice home, some friends, and the kids are happy and thriving. But I’m not. I’ve constantly tormented about staying or returning to the UK. 

Ive all but decided I need to go back- Aus will never feel like home, I belong in the UK, and miss fun, family friends, and laughter too much. However my OH doesn’t want to return ( although he will if I insist) and I’m so worried I’ll be messing my kids lives up.

my eldest daughter has Autism- she is doing well , has good friends and attends an alternative primary school. The wee un only knows Aus- she is very sporty and outdoorsy - she adores our closet friends and their kids/ sees them as her family. 

If we go back it has to be next year as they’d start High S and Primary - as 1st years in the UK. 

I also feel I have to go to support my ageing mum who has no other support and some special needs. The guilt of not being there for her is also all consuming.

so I wonder when others have faced these dilemmas what they have done? I feel like I would be sacrificing my happiness if I stay in Aus- but I wonder if I’m sacrificing my children’s happiness and opportunities if we return to the UK. 

We have applied for citizenship - so we’d always have the option of returning - Albeit impractical with my eldest daughter who has already endured about 7 different schools. 

All advice welcomed.

thanks 

If you're not happy and you are constantly thinking about the UK -  go back.  You're children will be happy as long as you are happy and they will settle quickly.  It helps that you have a very understanding husband who listens to you and will return with you - even if he is not as keen to go back as you are.

[wattsy1982]

Hi @Alex jamieson I can relate to part of your situation.

We moved to the Gold Coast as a family of 4 in 2013, we stayed 5 years, built a good life, jobs, cars, friends, schools, lifestyle, we built a lovely house near the beach with a pool etc but during this 5 years i never felt settled and missed 'home' and the feeling I had there.

Fast forward to 2018 and we are a family of 5 and we moved back to the UK in June last year.

After the initial 'honeymoon/novelty' period was over I started to doubt our choice and that has only increased during the winter.

I/It doesn't feel like it did before we moved, we've changed and what used to appeal/please me then, doesn't now. I keep saying it but its just square peg, round hole scenario now. We've found our old friends here quite boring, moaning, no ambition and unless we talk about stories before we moved etc we don't have much in common with them now. We find the indoors winter lifestyle very claustrophobic and our 2 eldest children (9 and 6) are really struggling with the weather and being indoors so much. 

You might not have changed that much in the short period you've been away so this may not apply to you but this is how we feel.

Looking back I can now see the main reason I wanted to move back was the guilt i was feeling for my parents and my kids that they wouldn't grow up near each other.

We find day to day life harder here, live for the weekends and then are restricted in what we can do once the weekend arrives.

We are really looking forward to the summer but has discussed moving back to Australia.

Good luck in what ever you decide!

[BacktoDemocracy]

21 hours ago, Alex jamieson said:

Hi,

i am living in limbo after 5 years of trying to settle in Oz. 

Our family of 4 live in Victoria- after 2 years in WA initially. We have made a good life here, good jobs, nice home, some friends, and the kids are happy and thriving. But I’m not. I’ve constantly tormented about staying or returning to the UK. 

Ive all but decided I need to go back- Aus will never feel like home, I belong in the UK, and miss fun, family friends, and laughter too much. However my OH doesn’t want to return ( although he will if I insist) and I’m so worried I’ll be messing my kids lives up.

my eldest daughter has Autism- she is doing well , has good friends and attends an alternative primary school. The wee un only knows Aus- she is very sporty and outdoorsy - she adores our closet friends and their kids/ sees them as her family. 

If we go back it has to be next year as they’d start High S and Primary - as 1st years in the UK. 

I also feel I have to go to support my ageing mum who has no other support and some special needs. The guilt of not being there for her is also all consuming.

so I wonder when others have faced these dilemmas what they have done? I feel like I would be sacrificing my happiness if I stay in Aus- but I wonder if I’m sacrificing my children’s happiness and opportunities if we return to the UK. 

We have applied for citizenship - so we’d always have the option of returning - Albeit impractical with my eldest daughter who has already endured about 7 different schools. 

All advice welcomed.

thanks 

 I admit at the moment I am very concerned about the affects of brexit here in the UK, austerity has affected a lot of things here, interestingly LKC is in Scotland which is pumping a lot more money into public services, England and Wales public services are deteriorating badly, I maybe being unduly pessimistic but the country is badly divided by brexit and whatever now happens I do not see the next 2 years or so as anything but problematic.

I'm sure there will be someone along to say that is all rubbish but do please do your homework and research about what you might find back here.

Have you thought about finding a counsellor who might help you explore what it is that is unsettling you so much, is it guilt about parents, is the stress of trying to resolve all the competing demands, parents, children, husband, not being able to find time for yourself, feeling that your happiness is less important than all those competing demands, no space for you. Somebody from outside of your circle who might help you to at least see things thro independent eyes

[ali]

What an awful dilemma - it must put a strain on your relationship if your OH doesn't really want to go back.  It's worth having a good talk so he's making that decision without it rearing it's head somewhere down the line with "you made me" etc. .. which in turn i'm sure would only end up making you feel guilty.

[Alex jamieson]

All great advice- thanks.

i definitely have guilt about my mum who is in her 80’s and has no supports- my kids are the only grandchildren on both sides too. She has visited us a few times and we’ve been back every year! 

But she’s becoming reluctant to travel now so this is very hard to manage. 

I feel sad my kids won’t know their grannies, and other close friends- but they have their own friends here now and 1 family who have become like family to them. 

I would work in public services so I realise work could be really stressful in the UK- but I hate my job in Aus and have not found my feet career wise over here. 

I love a lot about Aus- the space, wildlife, climate, peacefulness, life is easy really.. but it feels empty, I haven’t made a really close friend- and miss my nights in the pub- laughing a lot.. there’s not much of that over here. 

I can be content here., I may be chasing a dream back home- and the reality is life will be harder, more stressful, and restrictive to an indoors existence.. but these things never bothered us before.. or is it changing with Brexit? 

And the kids... they love their lives here.,, can I really disrupt that for an unknown future.. I just don’t know. 

1 day I’m all UK- next it’s Aus.. I can’t live a lifetime like this!! We wouldn’t be able to afford to return if we leave- we’ve been unlucky in real estate ( in WA) and lost all our capital so we’re starting from scratch again if we return. 

Will I ever decide.. I just don’t know. 

 

[BacktoDemocracy]

2 hours ago, Alex jamieson said:

All great advice- thanks.

i definitely have guilt about my mum who is in her 80’s and has no supports- my kids are the only grandchildren on both sides too. She has visited us a few times and we’ve been back every year! 

But she’s becoming reluctant to travel now so this is very hard to manage. 

I feel sad my kids won’t know their grannies, and other close friends- but they have their own friends here now and 1 family who have become like family to them. 

I would work in public services so I realise work could be really stressful in the UK- but I hate my job in Aus and have not found my feet career wise over here. 

I love a lot about Aus- the space, wildlife, climate, peacefulness, life is easy really.. but it feels empty, I haven’t made a really close friend- and miss my nights in the pub- laughing a lot.. there’s not much of that over here. 

I can be content here., I may be chasing a dream back home- and the reality is life will be harder, more stressful, and restrictive to an indoors existence.. but these things never bothered us before.. or is it changing with Brexit? 

And the kids... they love their lives here.,, can I really disrupt that for an unknown future.. I just don’t know. 

1 day I’m all UK- next it’s Aus.. I can’t live a lifetime like this!! We wouldn’t be able to afford to return if we leave- we’ve been unlucky in real estate ( in WA) and lost all our capital so we’re starting from scratch again if we return. 

Will I ever decide.. I just don’t know. 

 

Been there, got the T shirt, career wise had the same experience, public service in Australia is very different in its attitudes and how it does things.

One positive about here is that there is a lot more freedom from petty bureaucracy, you can achieve more for yourself without having dozens of rules, if you want to put the effort in you can change things but it comes with big costs, my wife has retrained as a counsellor, got an MA and is now freelance inside 3 years, mind you the University have just closed the course, but you get my drift.

Read  up about cuts in education budgets here and cuts in Local Govt budgets,  

I can sympathise with you about socialising in Australia, it is a very different scene, but you have to judge that against weeks of grey skies, cold and cold rain, we miss the heat, the blue sky, being able to park in a proper parking space at the supermarket, the open spaces,  but pubs are closing all the time here and most can't make it on  beer sales alone and most are just glorified cafes now, 

I regret coming back but know that if we had stayed we would have struggled because we were in our 50's and 60's and work would have become much more of a challenge and the changes we have managed here would have been much more difficult in Australia, but if I had known that brexit was going to happen I might have chosen to put up with dire state of politics there

[thinker78]

I came back 3.5 years ago with a 6 year old. My child had only know Australia. Positives - state education better. If you get a good school, you're quids in. I was shocked by the general standard of her Aussie primary, although often berate the focus on performance here. However, overall, I honestly think the 'free' education is better here in a good school. We are now looking at high schools and again, I'm more comfortable with what we have on offer here. I knew that in SA it was either fork out for private or try and attempt one of the abysmal public high schools. Friends - it took some time to rebuild old friendships but mostly it's been ace. We have WAY more here, and we've made new ones, even with the neighbours! something unheard of from my time in oz- shutters went up, and i never knew who I was living next to. We have busy, full lives and the sense of loneliness has disappeared. Stuff to do- whilst others may berate the weather, we've not really stopped doing things. We're not sporty and enjoy outdoor pools during the summer months, but we've done more here than there that's for sure. We joined English Heritage and the  National Trust, and have done the free london museums and other exciting things. After my child acclimatised culturally she said once 'all we did in Australia was play in the yard'. It did feel like that at times, as we had to drive everywhere, we had barely any friends (not through trying) and lived in suburban hell. Family - yes, it's been amazing reconnecting and seeing my child build life long bonds and memories with all her extended family. She's met and spent time with her great grandmother, had holidays with cousins and is the apple of her grandparents eye. I feel that this has benefitted so much long term. It was so lonely in Australia, and everyone has enjoyed being part of her life here. 

Negatives- life can be hard here. I don't know your circumstances but the UK in some parts is struggling. If you're poor, it's not a great place to be. If you're ok, you'll be ok. I find people nicer to work with and easier to break into work or social circles. Weather- sure, after Xmas it's pants until Spring BUT to me not unbearable. We still get some beautiful weather, it's just cold. Politics-  it's a crazy time here and you can't escape the constant Brexit bollocks. From pathetic 'everything's ok mate' news down under, it's the other extreme. We may be in for a bumpy ride down post Brexit or we may not. The world as a whole is struggling, but we've had austerity so you're likely to see a lot of homelessness and hear some shocking stories. This has massively increased even since I returned in 2015. However, in some parts of the country you wouldn't notice anything was wrong. When I holidayed in Sussex last summer it was a world of perfect ignorance - so it depends where you're choosing to settle. 

Hand on heart I miss absolutely nothing about Australia (was there 9 years). You can get good coffee here now which was the clincher haha. I say all this and i've had mega hard times since coming back. I'm still struggling BUT the thought of living somewhere without my 'tribe' or my own culture - much worse imo. That's just me. 

Big Aussie houses are like guilded cages. I used to look around my massive 4 x 2 thinking I had everything but as time went on, I had nothing at all. 

I'm not a parent of an SEN child but have seen over the years on here that the UK are way ahead for support here. You may need to check this out. 

When you first migrate, you don't anticipate life or yourself changing. You can't imagine parents ageing or how that's going to feel or how it's going to be watching your kids grow up just with you and no other family. For some of us, that becomes debilitating change and floors us. No easy answer, but many of us have been there x 

Edited February 2, 2019 by thinker78

[Alex jamieson]

Thinker 78- ( and everyone) you have read my thoughts and think exactly the same things I do about Aus.. lots of us seem to feel and experience the same. 

I guess the difference for us is we’d be returning to 2 ageing mums who require care and support- and we would have less support in the UK than we have here currently. We have no cousins, only my sister who would be tremendous with the kids if we lived close enough. 

The kids have friends here who are like cousins - so leaving them would be upsetting for them, I tell myself kids make friends easy ( even my big girl with Autism to some extent) and the UK is much friendlier and fun.. god I hear you about not knowing your neighbours., it’s so sad .. and the workplace- just no fun, no banter, no bonding, and so many petty rules, protocols and bureaucracy., drives me nuts! 

Im very aware of the UK issues and not under any romantic illusions.. that’s the worry- it’s grim in places, hard, busy, cold, and who knows with Brexit.. but the impression I get with my tribe back home is they are just getting on with life as usual- they’re not unhappy, stressed, or any different to when we left.,  it’s us who are different and constantly compare the 2 countries. 

If id known emigrating would be like this - if someone had said you’ll be stuck in limbo, constantly homesick, distraught saying goodbye-  year in- year out, you’ve never make the same kind of friends, you’ll always feel like something is missing, you’ll struggle with work and never laugh at work anymore..  ( I can go on and on) but mostly you’ll lose your sense of belonging, your very core will become unearthed, and your continuing indecisiveness will disrupt your every day quality of life. 

Happy days!! 

[Toots]

9 minutes ago, Alex jamieson said:

Thinker 78- ( and everyone) you have read my thoughts and think exactly the same things I do about Aus.. lots of us seem to feel and experience the same. 

I guess the difference for us is we’d be returning to 2 ageing mums who require care and support- and we would have less support in the UK than we have here currently. We have no cousins, only my sister who would be tremendous with the kids if we lived close enough. 

The kids have friends here who are like cousins - so leaving them would be upsetting for them, I tell myself kids make friends easy ( even my big girl with Autism to some extent) and the UK is much friendlier and fun.. god I hear you about not knowing your neighbours., it’s so sad .. and the workplace- just no fun, no banter, no bonding, and so many petty rules, protocols and bureaucracy., drives me nuts! 

Im very aware of the UK issues and not under any romantic illusions.. that’s the worry- it’s grim in places, hard, busy, cold, and who knows with Brexit.. but the impression I get with my tribe back home is they are just getting on with life as usual- they’re not unhappy, stressed, or any different to when we left.,  it’s us who are different and constantly compare the 2 countries. 

If id known emigrating would be like this - if someone had said you’ll be stuck in limbo, constantly homesick, distraught saying goodbye-  year in- year out, you’ve never make the same kind of friends, you’ll always feel like something is missing, you’ll struggle with work and never laugh at work anymore..  ( I can go on and on) but mostly you’ll lose your sense of belonging, your very core will become unearthed, and your continuing indecisiveness will disrupt your every day quality of life. 

Happy days!! 

 

That really shows how unsettled you are.  Have you spoken to your husband about all this?  Thankfully I have never felt how you do but if I had, my OH would have listened and would have been prepared to move back to the UK.  It's sad you haven't made good friends and never have a laugh at work.  That is depressing.  I do hope you get back to the UK where you belong and where you will be happy.  

[thinker78]

The one thing I can say is that I laugh here. And value my old friends so much more. Although life is busy and we're all raising our families, it's comforting to know they are there. Just down the road. And I can call upon them if I need to. And most importantly there is a sense of history and I can be myself. 

Homesickness can be completing debilitating. When it hits, it floors you. CBT can help - one thing Aus does do well is mental health. Get to your GP and ask for a referral- you can get up to 12 sessions with a psychologist. 

[BacktoDemocracy]

On 2/2/2019 at 23:14, Alex jamieson said:

Thinker 78- ( and everyone) you have read my thoughts and think exactly the same things I do about Aus.. lots of us seem to feel and experience the same. 

I guess the difference for us is we’d be returning to 2 ageing mums who require care and support- and we would have less support in the UK than we have here currently. We have no cousins, only my sister who would be tremendous with the kids if we lived close enough. 

The kids have friends here who are like cousins - so leaving them would be upsetting for them, I tell myself kids make friends easy ( even my big girl with Autism to some extent) and the UK is much friendlier and fun.. god I hear you about not knowing your neighbours., it’s so sad .. and the workplace- just no fun, no banter, no bonding, and so many petty rules, protocols and bureaucracy., drives me nuts! 

Im very aware of the UK issues and not under any romantic illusions.. that’s the worry- it’s grim in places, hard, busy, cold, and who knows with Brexit.. but the impression I get with my tribe back home is they are just getting on with life as usual- they’re not unhappy, stressed, or any different to when we left.,  it’s us who are different and constantly compare the 2 countries. 

If id known emigrating would be like this - if someone had said you’ll be stuck in limbo, constantly homesick, distraught saying goodbye-  year in- year out, you’ve never make the same kind of friends, you’ll always feel like something is missing, you’ll struggle with work and never laugh at work anymore..  ( I can go on and on) but mostly you’ll lose your sense of belonging, your very core will become unearthed, and your continuing indecisiveness will disrupt your every day quality of life. 

Happy days!!

I sympathise about the work situation, I had forgotten that aspect, very much I remember how much everybody fawned over the boss/anybody in charge, everybody so desperate that no one ever said anything which was contrary to what the boss thought and how no one seemed to have a thought beyond keeping the boss happy, everybody fawned on my wife so much she couldn't trust anyone or anything they said and that was the problem with the chairman that squeezed her out, she just wasn't obsequious enough for him

[Toots]

1 hour ago, BacktoDemocracy said:

I sympathise about the work situation, I had forgotten that aspect, very much I remember how much everybody fawned over the boss/anybody in charge, everybody so desperate that no one ever said anything which was contrary to what the boss thought and how no one seemed to have a thought beyond keeping the boss happy, everybody fawned on my wife so much she couldn't trust anyone or anything they said and that was the problem with the chairman that squeezed her out, she just wasn't obsequious enough for him

Blimey!  It wasn't at all like that where I worked but I do believe since a new CEO has arrived, the culture has changed a bit and not for the better.  Glad I don't have to worry about any of that anymore.