Feeling Stuck in Australia

[FeelingStuck]

Hi all  

I joined PIO back in Jan 2017, after my first trip back to the UK in nearly 30 years.  I had felt desperately homesick and unhappy for a number of years here in Perth, and was really seriously hoping the long-awaited trip home would cure me of my longing to move back, because otherwise I knew I'd have a big problem.

Unfortunately, as soon as we cleared passport control and stepped on the tube at Heathrow, I was happy as Larry.  LOVED the cold crisp air, and the immediate feeling of 'welcome home'. 

Anyway, I had a good moan on PIO once we returned to Perth, and discovered to my great surprise just how many people feel the same.  In the 2 years since our holiday back, my feelings have not changed.  I just cannot settle back in Perth, I HATE the heat, and I HATE the bland boring northern suburb where we live.  I got myself so upset reading all the posts on here that I decided to step away and de-register, but now I find I'm torturing myself again, reading people's success stories/not so successful stories of moving back home. 

I read a post - on here I think - that started like this " A feeling deep in the core of my being that I need to return to my homeland. An ache that never goes away " .   It was about missing Scotland, and I don't wanted to potentially upset whoever originally wrote that, so won't quote the whole thing, but it completely and utterly sums up how I feel.  

It's not even family I miss, it really is the place itself.   (My mum and brother are out here as well; it's just my dad and stepmum left in the UK)

I have tried to explain to my husband how I feel, but I feel I'm either not doing a very good job of getting my point across; or he just can't/won't understand.  He is a died-in-the-wool Aussie through and through, LOVES Australia, thinks it's the best place on earth, etc.  If I say I miss the little British villages and pubs, his answer is "but there are country towns and pubs in Australia".  Agreed, there are, but it's just not what I'm after - and to be honest in my opinion if you've seen one little Australian town, you've seen them all.

I don't know if we'll stay together longterm, as his ideal future is retiring and travelling around Australia in a caravan.  That's my idea of hell. 

I feel like I'm marking time in Perth, and struggling to actually engage properly.  I go to work, and try to keep busy.  I haven't managed to make what I'd consider close friends, just acquaintances and 'work friends'.

I cry a hell of a lot and have anxiety and depression. 

We've got 2 Australian born children, aged 16 and 17.  My daughter would LOVE to live in England, and said she really felt at home there.  My son, whilst he enjoyed the holiday, definitely does not want to move.  And my husband would never leave his beloved Australia, plus his large extended Australian family. 

I wonder if you have to leave a place, to really appreciate it properly?  I mean I always did like the green countryside, the sound of the dawn chorus, church bells, lovely old buildings , the history, country walks, country pubs, the English sense of humour, etc, etc, etc, but I don't think I REALLY understood how deeply attached my soul was and is to all these things until I'd been gone a few years. 

So what do I do?   Wait until the kids are off my hands, leave my husband, and move back?  I don't want us to split up; but he'll never understand my deep unhappiness.  Could I leave my then adult kids in Australia and move back?  I think it'd be too much of a wrench.  So I'm stuck aren't I 

I understand that I chose to move out here, and my husband wasn't aware I would some day want to move back.  This is not what he signed up for, I realise that.   I just wish I wasn't so unhappy and homesick.  If I could take a pill to make me just forget the UK even exists, I think I'd take it. 

 

Sorry for the ramblings.  I just need to get it off my chest!

[Marisawright]

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I firmly believe there are two kinds of people.  One kind, the nomads, are able to move around the world and choose where they want to call home.   The other kind, the homelovers, don't get a choice.  They have a deep and abiding connection to their homeland and it will never change, no matter what they do. 

The trouble is that the homelovers often have no idea how they feel, until they try to live somewhere else. Then it comes as a shock, because there's no logic to it.  They may have a great life in their new country, much better than "at home", but it makes no difference.  As that other poster says, it's "a feeling deep in the core of my being that I need to return to my homeland. An ache that never goes away." 

That's the problem. It will never go away.  In fact it will likely get worse as time goes on.  It's an awful situation to be in and it may indeed come down to choosing between your marriage and your sanity.  

One thing to consider:  if you leave Australia before you reach retirement age, you won't be able to claim the Australian state pension (though your superannuation will be fine).   Therefore it's a good idea to see if you can top up your British pension so that if you do move back, you can claim the UK pension.

Edited January 30, 2019 by Marisawright

[Toots]

I do feel for you.  I had no idea until I joined this forum just how many people feel the way you do.  Could you go back on extended holidays on your own?  After my Mum died, I went back on my own.  Husband wasn't really that interested on going back and our sons were older then so they stayed with OH.  I could do my own thing visiting old friends and having a good natter and laugh without worrying that OH would be bored.

Quoll, a lovely understanding member here will give you advice about handling how you feel.  There is a real name for it - can't remember off the top of my head what it is but it is a very real thing.

[FeelingStuck]

Thank you for your replies, Marisa and Toots

 

Part of me thinks that I may just end up having to do that; choose marriage or sanity.   I will look into the pension issue mentioned, thank you.  

I plan to go back for another trip towards the end of this year.  My daughter's keen to come too, in which case I'll have to wait for the long Christmas school break; otherwise I'll try for earlier.  I will use the time to really try and imagine myself living back there -  and as pointed out, without having to worry about my husband being bored!

You've jogged my memory: I remember Quoll from last time I joined up - stuck in my head because it's such a cute name. 

[Quoll]

Lol, it's a far from cute person!!! 

Sympathies from me too but, sadly, no magic answers. You have exogenous or situational depression most likely.

Only cure for that is to remove yourself from the situation which is causing you angst. However, there are ways of living with it - to how much detriment to your mental health I don't know (pretty substantial negative impact on mine and I thought I was dealing with it reasonably well)

I would suggest a trip to your GP to talk about a mental health plan with a good CBT or ACT therapist (different strategies work with different people) for starters, try and get your thinking clear and manage any irrational thinking which may be going on there. Then I'd  suggest you both head off for Marriage Guidance counselling. Your DH has to realise  the enormity of the problem that you are facing every day and the two of you need to come up with a compromise scenario eg in retirement you go home and he goes bush for that period (mine wanted to go and live in the bloody bush on 40 self sufficient acres and build our own home in retirement - I had some non negotiable items about that so, fortunately it died a death!) or Could you agree, say, a 3 year UK sabbatical before hitching  up the caravan?  - the key here is going to have to be compromise or is not going to work. 

Big question - could your husband actually live in UK? Is he a citizen? If he did a total about face would you need to be looking at things like ancestry visas or spouse visas? If you are then I would say the point is moot, it's probably not going to be financially viable in later years unless you've got a nice little super nest egg somewhere. 

As for your kids - they'll live their own lives and could end up anywhere from Azerbaijan to Zimbabwe, families seen to spread around these days and, sure, you may not get hands on grandparenting is up to you how to deal with that.

Bottom line - what is your least worst option? There with him or here (I'm in UK) without him? For me, it was a no brainer. You can't cuddle a country and I wanted to grow old beside him. Just reframing my thinking into "this is the choice I am making" gave me control of it, I wasn't the victim of someone else's decisions. I survived for a decade with trips home once or twice a year and that kept most of the demons at bay - always booking my next trip at the end of the last. I was unbelievably lucky though when I dragged my very recalcitrant husband over for our son's wedding (he would have missed it if he could, his tomato plants needed tending!) and he took one look at my parents and before the first week was out he said "we can't leave then here alone like this " - only child, parents nearly 90 then. So he went back to Australia to tidy up a few ends then returned and we basically just didn't go back from our holiday.  Prior to that I had got to the stage where I would literally vomit before leaving UK and I have been known to bawl my eyes out all the way to London on the train at the thought of leaving. Living here for 7 years now has been amazing - I've lost almost half my body weight because I walk everywhere, I love the variety of everything - even just walking into town (5 miles) there's always something different unlike walking in the bush near our place in Australia - I swear the same ant heaps and bark drop have been there Unchanged  for the past 40 years!  I can now view a return with some sense of adventure and I've promised the DH that we will return (he's been the most fantastic husband while we've been here, neither of us would ever have imagined it! But being full time carers of the elderly is not a picnic!) when my dad pops his clogs. 

Happy to talk any time, you're in an invidious position unfortunately but I'm sure you're a strong woman who will come up with a compromise which will give you the best of all worlds!

[FeelingStuck]

Hi Quoll, thanks for your reply.    

How lovely that your husband decided he could live in the UK - and for 7 years!!   I can only imagine the dramatic improvement in your mental/physical health.  I can see that having a decent break from Australia would indeed enable you to view a return with at least some level of equanimity. 

I have been on medication/counselling for the anxiety and depression, but not currently.   I haven't tried CBT but can see that may be helpful in trying to be more positive.  I do try and tell myself to look at the good things - notice the sun sparkling on the water, listen to the magpie carolling, that sort of thing, but I have more days when I just obsessively focus on how miserable and stuck I am.  I definitely need to stop doing this.  I am starting a busier role at work on Monday and quite honestly, I think the extra load will hopefully keep my brain too busy to obsess over things.

Marriage guidance - maybe that's an option.  Would he go.... gosh, I don't know.  Could I get my feelings across to the counselor clearly enough so that they in turn can reflect that back to him?  When I go to the doctor I tend to end up a blubbering mess lol.  Maybe I should write it down instead....

 

I have dual citizenship (mum was born here), but my husband was born in Sydney.  I think his grandparents are British but not 100% on that.  I haven't looked into the possiblity of him being able to live in the UK as I just can't even imagine that coming to fruition. 

The kids - well yeah, I know they could indeed end up living anywhere.  My daughter's adamant that Brighton (the UK one, not the Perth one  ) is her spiritual home.  My son is pretty happy in Perth, but did mention America as a possibility.   

And as for not being able to cuddle a country - that did make me laugh becuase do you know, I was so HAPPY to be back, I was actually hugging trees and lampposts, no joke!  I looked like a crazy woman, but didn't care!

Thanks again, and enjoy your time with your husband and parents in the UK  

[ali]

I do feel for you and there are a lot of people on here who can give you support.  Regarding your daughter if she also moved back - does she have plans regarding education there?  People who have made the move will be able to point you in the right direction regarding education and residency requirement.

[Quoll]

Do give CBT a try - it's a little bag of survival tricks (well, that's how I look at it) - things like Thought Stopping could be handy - when those intrusive thoughts stop you from doing what you are supposed to be doing basically say "STOP! That's a going home thought and I will think of you at (insert time here)" at which time, if the thought reappears for its appointment you can give it half an hour, write down what it is your thinking is generating with some actions for things you can do then say goodbye at the end of the appointment (dont wallow in it).  If your intrusive thought doesnt turn up for it's appointment but turns up later then say "STOP" and make another time! When I told the thoughts to go away I used to have a repertoire of movies that I replayed in my mind to drown out the sound - it's amazing how persuasive Rufus Sewell can be when you are fantasising about him LOL.  I used to allocate shower time as "going home cogitation time" - that way I could cry and nobody would know - my DH had no idea in the beginning but he was getting worried because my showers could be quite long (stuff the water restrictions!) until one day I told him why and he used to tune in to see how low I was feeling by the length of the shower and he was emotionally (but not practically) quite supportive.  You have to learn that you have control over your thoughts - some of them are worth working with but others are just wasting your time so you should try and end up with an action plan for how you are going to deal with the issues and move on.  

I think it would be a good idea to write down the issues you have - I used to be a blubbering mess at the GPs too and you dont want to miss a point.  Make a list of the things you are missing  in your life and the actions you think would go some way to alleviating them, list the compromises you would be prepared to make but also the compromises you want in return.  Why would a husband not want to support his wife through marriage guidance? He must know that you are very unhappy, surely he would want to help you work your way out of it (OTOH he is an Aussie male, they're not the sharpest tools in the shed when it comes to women's feelings LOL)

If he has UK born parents (bonus!) he could be entitled to citizenship, if he has UK born grandparents he can get an ancestry visa (just in case your compromise scenario of a Sabbatical comes to fruition) but if he has neither, then you would be relying on a spouse visa and, quite honestly I wouldn't bother (hard work and lots of money including a job for you of £18.5kpa or £62.5k in accessible savings) - look at other ways you could get a compromise rather than him returning to UK with you.  

I did chuckle at the thought of you hugging the trees and the lamp posts - they're not the best at reciprocating unfortunately!

[Captain_Tor]

Aw I'm so sorry you feel this way  

Sounds like you are very homesick and that you will always have a longing to come back to the UK.

You have thought over every scenario and weighed up the pros & cons so only you know if you will act on it and I hope if you make the decision to move back to the UK your husband and family will support your decision for your health & wellbeing.

The only thing I would be conscious of is the 'grass is greener' outlook, it's so easy to look at a situation or circumstance in which you're unhappy and think if I just moved to xxxx it would all be ok and I'd feel better again. Having a holiday and making a permanent move back are two different things.

It's the same for people like me looking to emigrate to Australia - it is easy to see life out there through rose tinted glasses. Ultimately we all see what we want to see. In that same breath, it sounds to me like you will have a restless soul until you at least try living back in the UK. Sorry I'm not much help just read your post and really felt for you. you obviously feel you are in a an impossible situation but as they saying goes, we're all one decision away from a totally different life.  

I hope you manage to find your happiness, whether that be remaining in Perth and making the most of it or if you make the brave decision to leave your life in Australia for a fresh start back in the UK x

 

 

 

 

 

[FeelingStuck]

Thank you for your replies Ali, Quoll and Captain Tor    I can't figure out how to quote posts, so will reply individually.

Ali, my daughter is looking at unis in the UK, but it seems she would need to be resident in the UK for three years prior to commencement, otherwise she'd be classed as an international student.  Fair enough of course, I wouldn't expect she could just waltz up and expect a free or subsidized education.   She's just entering Yr 11 this year, so we are trying to get an idea of what international student fees would actually be.  She could possibly live with my father in the UK to avoid accommodation costs, but I believe the uni tuition fees are pretty hefty.  More research to do on that front....

Quoll, I will enquire regarding CBT.  It sounds more constructive than just talking to a therapist - in my experience I sit there wallowing and moaning, and they murmur sympathetically (and probably think what an ungrateful whinging pom I am..),  and it's all totally exhausting and non-productive.   Crying in the shower is a regular hobby lol.   

I think I'll try and sort out my own therapy and thoughts first, before I broach the idea of marriage guidance.  I'm always telling my husband he's the world's worst communicator and he won't relish the thought of speaking his heart to a therapist - heck, he hardly speaks his heart to me!  He is definitely unaware of the depth of my unhappiness - a combination of being spectacularly unaware of my feelings, and I suspect probably not wanting to acknowledge the problem.   (I'm very glad to say that my 17 yr old Aussie born son is totally different in this regard - a sensitive male - so some do exist!  )         

I'm not sure regarding the birthplace of my husband's grandparents.    His parents were definitely born in NSW, so no luck there.  I had previously looked into the spouse visa idea, but as you say, it's $$$$$ and I didn't bother reading on, as the thought of him even entertaining such an idea seems so far-fetched. 

Captain Tor, you are exactly right - having a holiday and living in a country are definitely not the same!  I'd come out here twice on holiday before actually moving, and of course when you're on holiday you do all the touristy stuff.  Wherever you live, you've got to deal with the day to day nitty gritty living stuff.  I plan to go back to the UK this year, preferably alone or just with my daughter.  When we all went in 2017, I was taking my family to all the tourist places in London, we had a week in the beautiful Cotswolds, etc, etc - so I really want to go back and just "pretend to live there"; be realistic and think about places I could actually afford to live, look into job possibilities, talk to my dad.  And see how I feel being away from my husband too I guess.   

 

 

Thank you again for the replies x

 

[thinker78]

hello. just my 2 cents/pence worth. Re your daughter- someone on here also hit that issue with their kids residency re uni -  some unis offer a bit of flexibility but in her case, her child ended up going to uni in Holland at a fraction of the cost (about 3000 quid per year as opposed to 9000)- courses taught in english etc. worth looking into although Brexit may possibly alter some things. always worth contacting unis direct re international fees. 

[TazG]

I go home to Scotland in 77 days.  It has been 11,062 days since I left Scotland and was brought to Australia by my parents.  11,062 days I have longed to be back on Scottish soil.  I am the same as you,  I hate the heat.  I am over it!  This summer especially has been insufferable for me.  My children all want to go to live in Scotland and so does my partner.  We are planning on moving later this year after my eldest has graduated grade 12.  My dad passed away in 2006 but always wanted to go home.  He never settled here.  I don't want to die with those feelings inside me also.  The yearning never goes away.  I call it displacement.    

My eldest wants to go to Uni also, I heard from a lady on FB that her daughter moved over and was accepted as a resident after a year of being back in the country.  We are hoping that happens for my daughter also.  She is going to have a gap year then apply.  My other two will slot into 2nd and 3rd year.  My only issue with it all is their father and I are divorced.  he has not seen the kids in over a year... he sends them a text once a month.  I hope he can see the move as something positive for them and not try to stop me.  

We are going to be spending 3 weeks there at Easter.  Its not really going to give us full understanding of how life will be, but it will give us some idea.  Then we will know if the move back is on or not.

 

[Toots]

18 minutes ago, TazG said:

I go home to Scotland in 77 days.  It has been 11,062 days since I left Scotland and was brought to Australia by my parents.  11,062 days I have longed to be back on Scottish soil.  I am the same as you,  I hate the heat.  I am over it!  This summer especially has been insufferable for me.  My children all want to go to live in Scotland and so does my partner.  We are planning on moving later this year after my eldest has graduated grade 12.  My dad passed away in 2006 but always wanted to go home.  He never settled here.  I don't want to die with those feelings inside me also.  The yearning never goes away.  I call it displacement.    

My eldest wants to go to Uni also, I heard from a lady on FB that her daughter moved over and was accepted as a resident after a year of being back in the country.  We are hoping that happens for my daughter also.  She is going to have a gap year then apply.  My other two will slot into 2nd and 3rd year.  My only issue with it all is their father and I are divorced.  he has not seen the kids in over a year... he sends them a text once a month.  I hope he can see the move as something positive for them and not try to stop me.  

We are going to be spending 3 weeks there at Easter.  Its not really going to give us full understanding of how life will be, but it will give us some idea.  Then we will know if the move back is on or not.

 

Not long to go now Taz.    Have a great time over Easter in Scotland.

[TazG]

Just now, Toots said:

Not long to go now Taz.    Have a great time over Easter in Scotland.

Thanks Toots!! I am beyond excited!!!! I get teary thinking about it!  I have dreamed about this for so damn long now.  

[Marisawright]

32 minutes ago, TazG said:

My only issue with it all is their father and I are divorced.  he has not seen the kids in over a year... he sends them a text once a month.  I hope he can see the move as something positive for them and not try to stop me.  

From the rest of your post, I don't know why you're in any doubt about the move. It sounds like the right thing to do.  However, I suggest you start the process of getting official permission from your husband now.   It may take a while to get.

[TazG]

3 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

From the rest of your post, I don't know why you're in any doubt about the move. It sounds like the right thing to do.  However, I suggest you start the process of getting official permission from your husband now.   It may take a while to get.

We don't have any orders in place at present.  He has seen the girls once in two years and the boy twice.  He is wrapped up in his new life with his new partner.  If he were to pursue it via the courts it would be a massive waste of time and money for him.  The girls will be both over 16yrs old and the boy will be 14yrs old.  Under the Hague Convention the only one he can try and bring back is the boy, but he doesn't want to look after him and a Judge would not likely side with him as he has not exercised any parental responsibility for years and removing the boy from his sisters and mother would not be just.   

[Marisawright]

1 hour ago, TazG said:

We don't have any orders in place at present.  He has seen the girls once in two years and the boy twice.  He is wrapped up in his new life with his new partner.  If he were to pursue it via the courts it would be a massive waste of time and money for him.  

The point I'm making is that when you move permanently, you may have difficulty with Immigration either leaving Australia or being allowed to enter the UK if you don't have your husband's written permission in the correct format.  So it's important to look into what's needed - wouldn't it be awful to be turned away!

Also I'm assuming you've already got your children their British passports?

[TazG]

3 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

Also I'm assuming you've already got your children their British passports?

Yep all 3 are British citizens and have UK and Aussie passports   

[LKC]

16 hours ago, TazG said:

I go home to Scotland in 77 days.  It has been 11,062 days since I left Scotland and was brought to Australia by my parents.  11,062 days I have longed to be back on Scottish soil.  I am the same as you,  I hate the heat.  I am over it!  This summer especially has been insufferable for me.  My children all want to go to live in Scotland and so does my partner.  We are planning on moving later this year after my eldest has graduated grade 12.  My dad passed away in 2006 but always wanted to go home.  He never settled here.  I don't want to die with those feelings inside me also.  The yearning never goes away.  I call it displacement.    

My eldest wants to go to Uni also, I heard from a lady on FB that her daughter moved over and was accepted as a resident after a year of being back in the country.  We are hoping that happens for my daughter also.  She is going to have a gap year then apply.  My other two will slot into 2nd and 3rd year.  My only issue with it all is their father and I are divorced.  he has not seen the kids in over a year... he sends them a text once a month.  I hope he can see the move as something positive for them and not try to stop me.  

We are going to be spending 3 weeks there at Easter.  Its not really going to give us full understanding of how life will be, but it will give us some idea.  Then we will know if the move back is on or not.

 

Moving to Scotland is the single best thing I have done in my life (having my kids excluded, of course!). I'm not even from Scotland (I'm English), and had never lived here before, but I love it more than anywhere else I've ever lived!

Where will you be visiting?

[TazG]

11 hours ago, LKC said:

Moving to Scotland is the single best thing I have done in my life (having my kids excluded, of course!). I'm not even from Scotland (I'm English), and had never lived here before, but I love it more than anywhere else I've ever lived!

Where will you be visiting?

Hi LKC   I am going to North Ayrshire, then Aviemore, then over to Edinburgh.  Have so much to do in only 16 days!!   So many friends and a family to see, a wedding to attend also.  I can't wait!

 

[LKC]

13 hours ago, TazG said:

Hi LKC   I am going to North Ayrshire, then Aviemore, then over to Edinburgh.  Have so much to do in only 16 days!!   So many friends and a family to see, a wedding to attend also.  I can't wait!

 

We're up near Kinross, love it here and really see us settling long term! When OH and I separated (after we moved back to the UK, thankfully), for about a second I wondered if we'd be better moving down to England to be closer to family, but very quickly decided that we would stay exactly where we are! Love it here so much!

I know you'll enjoy your holiday!

[Newstart]

I could never live in Perth for the same reasons you hate. I think you do need to get out of Perth. However, I don’t think you should leave Australia just yet. Could you convience your husband to move to a different Australian state? What about Tasmania for greenery or Melbourne for the “ English type weather” .  Places in NSW like Southern Highlands has a lovely country feel. After living in the English Countryside, it’s a place I hope to have a house one day. 

You say you wouldn’t like to break up with your hubby and so I think that would be tragic,  as if you did, I think you’d find you be rather lonely in the UK and not as happy as you imagine without him. Even if your daughter returned with you, she will need her own life. It’s also not that easy to make friends right away here and you have been gone 30 years. A holiday or two is not like day to day life here.

Have a think about what kind of activities you would like to do and look into other areas in OZ that seem more exciting to you. 

 

[proud preston]

‘Feeling stuck’ completely empathise with your dilemma. I too seem to have been living for the last 12 years with a continued undercurrent of sadness. I remember part of my uni course -looking at grief and loss - many migrants experience ambiguous loss. Not grieving a death of a person etc but grieving something that is still there but not there (similar to the grieving when a loved one has dementia) Anyway- it’s bloody tough. I  am ok here and on the surface have a great life but deeply miss the cold, the seasons, Europe, family, trees, hills, buildings, villages etc etc. We have gone back so many times in the last 12 years to visit family and that probably hasn’t helped us at all to settle here (and I hate the heat and constant blue sky- every. single. day.) Our son is just about to start a 5 year uni course here (yikes!) I am determined that when he finishes (I will be 55!!) to go back - he and my other son may not feel the same but I think my husband does. In that  time I hope to make enough money to safely sell up here and not have to struggle in the UK and live a life we both want for our older years - not burning to a crisp! I would not want to return to the uk if it meant living in some non descript box in a bland suburb. My only suggestions (that I have to try and take up - otherwise I’m wasting my life) is to try and find some joy in the here and now - take advantage of the weather and grow veggies that we wouldn’t be able to in the uk, holiday to different states -and marvel at what Aus does have - once we are gone we may wish we’d seen Kakadu, Uluru etc. North of Perth and the country is just magnificent in it’s vastness and unique landscape. Become involved in something -uni, sport - learn a European language?! It is so hard when you both don’t have the same desire to live in the same  place. We got stuck in a rut and fear prevented us from going back. I now starkly realise (at 50 ) that life is bloody short. Good luck, trust your gut and find something that you enjoy here -whilst you’re here. Through work I have met far too many ex pats who -in their 70’s- still pine for the UK. Determined that I won’t be that older person living with longing and regret. 

  

[Toots]

2 hours ago, proud preston said:

‘Feeling stuck’ completely empathise with your dilemma. I too seem to have been living for the last 12 years with a continued undercurrent of sadness. I remember part of my uni course -looking at grief and loss - many migrants experience ambiguous loss. Not grieving a death of a person etc but grieving something that is still there but not there (similar to the grieving when a loved one has dementia) Anyway- it’s bloody tough. I  am ok here and on the surface have a great life but deeply miss the cold, the seasons, Europe, family, trees, hills, buildings, villages etc etc. We have gone back so many times in the last 12 years to visit family and that probably hasn’t helped us at all to settle here (and I hate the heat and constant blue sky- every. single. day.) Our son is just about to start a 5 year uni course here (yikes!) I am determined that when he finishes (I will be 55!!) to go back - he and my other son may not feel the same but I think my husband does. In that  time I hope to make enough money to safely sell up here and not have to struggle in the UK and live a life we both want for our older years - not burning to a crisp! I would not want to return to the uk if it meant living in some non descript box in a bland suburb. My only suggestions (that I have to try and take up - otherwise I’m wasting my life) is to try and find some joy in the here and now - take advantage of the weather and grow veggies that we wouldn’t be able to in the uk, holiday to different states -and marvel at what Aus does have - once we are gone we may wish we’d seen Kakadu, Uluru etc. North of Perth and the country is just magnificent in it’s vastness and unique landscape. Become involved in something -uni, sport - learn a European language?! It is so hard when you both don’t have the same desire to live in the same  place. We got stuck in a rut and fear prevented us from going back. I now starkly realise (at 50 ) that life is bloody short. Good luck, trust your gut and find something that you enjoy here -whilst you’re here. Through work I have met far too many ex pats who -in their 70’s- still pine for the UK. Determined that I won’t be that older person living with longing and regret. 

  

I like your attitude.    

I hope you get back to the UK to live one of these day.  Sounds like you have a good plan.  We are happy and settled here but our grown sons now live overseas.  That's fine - they have their own lives to lead.

All the best!

Edited February 10, 2019 by Toots

[ali]

4 hours ago, proud preston said:

‘Feeling stuck’ completely empathise with your dilemma. I too seem to have been living for the last 12 years with a continued undercurrent of sadness. I remember part of my uni course -looking at grief and loss - many migrants experience ambiguous loss. Not grieving a death of a person etc but grieving something that is still there but not there (similar to the grieving when a loved one has dementia) Anyway- it’s bloody tough. I  am ok here and on the surface have a great life but deeply miss the cold, the seasons, Europe, family, trees, hills, buildings, villages etc etc. We have gone back so many times in the last 12 years to visit family and that probably hasn’t helped us at all to settle here (and I hate the heat and constant blue sky- every. single. day.) Our son is just about to start a 5 year uni course here (yikes!) I am determined that when he finishes (I will be 55!!) to go back - he and my other son may not feel the same but I think my husband does. In that  time I hope to make enough money to safely sell up here and not have to struggle in the UK and live a life we both want for our older years - not burning to a crisp! I would not want to return to the uk if it meant living in some non descript box in a bland suburb. My only suggestions (that I have to try and take up - otherwise I’m wasting my life) is to try and find some joy in the here and now - take advantage of the weather and grow veggies that we wouldn’t be able to in the uk, holiday to different states -and marvel at what Aus does have - once we are gone we may wish we’d seen Kakadu, Uluru etc. North of Perth and the country is just magnificent in it’s vastness and unique landscape. Become involved in something -uni, sport - learn a European language?! It is so hard when you both don’t have the same desire to live in the same  place. We got stuck in a rut and fear prevented us from going back. I now starkly realise (at 50 ) that life is bloody short. Good luck, trust your gut and find something that you enjoy here -whilst you’re here. Through work I have met far too many ex pats who -in their 70’s- still pine for the UK. Determined that I won’t be that older person living with longing and regret. 

  

Great attitude to explore and live in the here and now whilst planning your move back.  Are you from Preson (as your username suggests?).