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Pingpongpom69

Feeling torn and unsettled

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I was born in Australia but grew up in the UK from ages 4-21 and then returned to Aus in 1991.  The older I get the more English I feel as my formative years where spent there and it's always going to feel like home to me.  Have been back every 2 or 3 years and find leaving really hard.  Got back 2 weeks ago and feeling so unsettled and unsure of where I want to be.

My partner is Australian and our 10 year old son was born here.  Partner not interested in living there, only for a holiday (and preferably in summer!) so I feel stuck here and beginning to feel resentful.  I cannot tolerate the Aussie summers anymore, so scorching hot and relentless and find the English seasons so much more pleasant and gentle (as long as you're rugged up in the winter!)  My son would be happy to go with me for 12 months to 'get it out of my system' so to speak, but worried in case I don't want to come back to Aus which would cause a family break-up.  Also worry that living there again would be very different to visiting in summer for 6 weeks.  I would be considering living in a village but close enough to a major town for essentials, so living a quiet life.  Just wondered if anyone else can relate to the torment of being torn?

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A browse through dozens of threads like this on the MBTTUK forum will reveal many who ask this question and many who will empathise.  

Howare you able to return every year in winter for 6 weeks with your son?  Do you take him out of school?


Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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Is moving within Aus an option, like Tassie where the weather isn't as silly hot?

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We work it around term break so he might miss 4 weeks of schooling (but has to do his school work on holiday!).  Some visits are during Christmas so he doesn't miss any school at that time.  I am new to this site, what's the MBTTUK?

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6 minutes ago, Pingpongpom69 said:

We work it around term break so he might miss 4 weeks of schooling (but has to do his school work on holiday!).  Some visits are during Christmas so he doesn't miss any school at that time.  I am new to this site, what's the MBTTUK?

It’s what it used to be called. It’s UK chat now I think. You can find it at the bottom of the home page. MBTTUK = moving back to the uk. ?

I’ve just moved back to the UK after nearly 13 years in Australia. Been back about 2.5 months. Enjoying being here. It’s been a bit mad getting settled and starting again but it feels right so far.

My situation is very different to yours though. No partner to consider, my son is in his twenties so no schooling to worry about. 

Would your partner let you bring your son for a year? You cannot remove him from Australia without his consent. Would you be happy away from your partner for that amount of time? Could you afford to do this? Would regular holidays back be a compromise until your son is older?

It’s a hard situation and if you have a look in UK chat you’ll see lots of people feeling the same. Good luck with your decision. I don’t envy you,  you may find you have to stay in Australia due to laws/money/family etc and have to work out how you can reconcile that.

Does your partner really know exactly how you feel or have you sort of mentioned it in passing? Maybe a good sit down chat to see if they will reconsider moving. Also a really honest look at whether it would work financially, job availability in an area you can afford etc.

Sending hugs.

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36 minutes ago, unzippy said:

Is moving within Aus an option, like Tassie where the weather isn't as silly hot?

The weather is very similar to the UK - probably a bit milder.  Not as cold in winter around the coast.  The problem would be employment.

Pingpongpo69 there have been many members here who feel as you do.  Must be awful to never feel settled.  I suppose it all depends on your husband if he is alright with you and your son giving it a go in the UK for a year.  Are your family all over there?  When my boys were small we used to go back every second year to visit Mum for 6 weeks.  We went in the Aussie school summer holiday so it was mid winter in the UK.  The boys were never bothered by the cold but by the end of the 6 weeks I was fed up of it.  Where abouts in Australia do you live?

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We live in Northern NSW, in Murwillumbah and the summers are awful - really humid, scorching, relentless.  Just so over every day being like the last, blazing heat and glare and damn day light saving.  I'm the kind of person who puts up an umbrella in the summer to keep the sun off as I'm very fair skinned. 

Partner knows exactly how I feel but would not consider moving there but would be fine with us (myself and son) going for a year.  I do have some savings that could make it happen although it would probably eat away at most of it and the thought of not having that safety net scares me but at the same time it could be put to good use.  If I had a secretary who could make it all happen I'd be there in a heart beat!!...the logistics scare me and I have a bit of anxiety about that side of things.  

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Hubby is happy for you to go for a year, because he thinks you'll get it out of your system and be happy to come back.  You won't, and I'm pretty sure you know that.  

I think you have to ask yourself, what would a year off achieve?  It would give you one year's respite, and then you have to come back and face the awfulness of the rest of your life in Australia - how many years is that?

If moving back permanently isn't an option, then don't waste your savings on a year in England.  Instead, use the money to spend the summer holidays (Dec/Jan) every year in the UK.  Yes, I know that means you'd be back in the UK in the worst of the weather there, but you'll also be there for Christmas and New Year, what a lovely time of year. And maybe your husband could join you for the festive season, then go back to work. 

Alternatively, as others have suggested, how about a move elsewhere in Oz?

 

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Thanks Gbye grey sky, unzippy, Amber Snowball, Toots & Marisawright for the replies.  I love Christmas in England and the seasons just feel natural and right to me there.   I haven't lived there for a long time (28 years) but I 'think' I'd cope better with the English winter (central heating, layers, thermals, sensible dressing etc) than the Aussie summer.  I sleep better and I feel more alive in the winter.  In the Aussie summer I am downright plain miserable and cranky and feel literally parched like the desert, like I can't breathe.  Having gone through menopause it's changed everything as I used to love the heat when I was younger and could sun-bake all day, now 5 mins in direct sun and I feel faint.

Part of me thinks maybe I wouldn't want to come back but then also part of me also thinks I might finally realise what we have here (lifestyle, space, attitudes etc) and be wanting to rush back after 12 months and just live in a house that's fully air conditioned and be done with it. I have briefly thought about Tasmania but England is what I miss and pine for at the moment.  I feel that if I don't go I won't know, life is short and meant to be enjoyed and not suffered!  I would also love my son to experience some English schooling and influence.  It would also give us all a chance to have a breather from each other, hubby and son battle like stags at times (probably not that bad but he has little tolerance or understanding for a head strong 10 year old) and although my son and I have our moments, it's easier in many ways.  He'd miss his school but I know he'd really love it once he settled in.  Life is never simple!!

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Agree with Marissa but I would also suggest installing airconditioning.  Murwillimbah is lovely but summers would be tough without aircon if you hate the heat.  And i sympathise about the menopause as my wife has been suffering the hot flushes for years now and the summertime is worse.


Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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On 18/09/2018 at 11:05, Gbye grey sky said:

Agree with Marissa but I would also suggest installing airconditioning.  Murwillimbah is lovely but summers would be tough without aircon if you hate the heat.  And i sympathise about the menopause as my wife has been suffering the hot flushes for years now and the summertime is worse.

The most lovely way I have heard it described is “ your inner child playing with matches”. Thought that was great. ?

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Yup, but I struck lucky and my very recalcitrant Australian husband took one look at my ageing parents on one of those very rare visits he deigned to make (our son's wedding) and said "we can't leave them here alone!" So we've been here for 7 years now carrying for increasingly frail parents (now down to one) but I've promised to return when dad dies. He has promised we will get air conditioning as a priority on our return. I think I can live with that but I belong in England and as we have a grandson here we will always be back and forward.   That said, I was  watching Secret City on Netflix yesterday and actually felt a pang of homesickness for Canberra - I think, actually, it's more of a pang for adventure rather than being tired 24/7 to an old man.

I don't think there is a magic answer to be honest and you could find yourself actually unable to live in UK with your Australian husband anyway, it's he entitled to a visa? They can be hard to come by. My DH fortunately had a UK born mother and the rules changed in 2010 to allow him to get citizenship.

Good luck!

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On 20/09/2018 at 05:21, Amber Snowball said:

The most lovely way I have heard it described is “ your inner child playing with matches”. Thought that was great. ?

Mmmm, nothing about it is lovely to me ???

We have one air con unit in our (rented) house but it's not enough to cool the whole house and unable to install any others due to being a rental.  Stepping out of a cool lounge into a kitchen/bedroom/bathroom that feels like a furness is not fun ?  Rentals are hard to come by here in Murwillumbah and we have a fairly decent house that doesn't cost too much in comparison to the other dumps on offer, so don't want to move again here really unless we decided to buy. 

Quoll you are lucky you managed to get your hubby there!  Mine would just be miserable moving there so would probably be easier to do it short term and have the adventure without him!!

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1 minute ago, Pingpongpom69 said:

Mmmm, nothing about it is lovely to me ???

We have one air con unit in our (rented) house but it's not enough to cool the whole house and unable to install any others due to being a rental.  Stepping out of a cool lounge into a kitchen/bedroom/bathroom that feels like a furness is not fun ?  Rentals are hard to come by here in Murwillumbah and we have a fairly decent house that doesn't cost too much in comparison to the other dumps on offer, so don't want to move again here really unless we decided to buy. 

Quoll you are lucky you managed to get your hubby there!  Mine would just be miserable moving there so would probably be easier to do it short term and have the adventure without him!!

Yes, the lived experience doesn’t look like fun, but thought the analogy was good.

Best of luck, you are in a difficult situation. As quoll often says, “you need to choose the least worst option “. 

Let us know how it goes.

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You say your son would be happy to go for 12 months so you could get it out of your system but is worried you won't want to come back - sounds a difficult situation if you don't want to come back and he does.


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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On 21/09/2018 at 18:21, ali said:

You say your son would be happy to go for 12 months so you could get it out of your system but is worried you won't want to come back - sounds a difficult situation if you don't want to come back and he does.

No my son wouldn't be worried, he's 10 years old and lives in the moment and would enjoy the adventure.  I'm the one who'd be worried about not wanting to come back, still a difficult situation though.

 

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8 minutes ago, Pingpongpom69 said:

 

No my son wouldn't be worried, he's 10 years old and lives in the moment and would enjoy the adventure.  I'm the one who'd be worried about not wanting to come back, still a difficult situation though.

 

Do you have relatives and friends in the UK?  

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8 minutes ago, Toots said:

Do you have relatives and friends in the UK?  

Family wise I have my 80 year old Dad there who I'm very close to (and also step-mum and her kids, though we are not close at all ) and a best friend from school days.  I was a bit slack and didn't keep in contact with many friends so have lost touch with most unfortunately.  My Dad is under the thumb from my step-mum who is very jealous of our relationship and does everything in her power to make sure we never have any time alone.  When I was there last my Dad and I were talking upstairs and she kept hovering about on the landing with a basket of washing eavesdropping, she's so insecure and would basically hate it if we went back there to live!  So not a lot of support....or not the support I would love to have which makes it hard as I'd pretty much be on my own doing it all and not so easy at 50 and with anxiety.

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We (DH, twin 7 year olds and myself age 40) are currently applying for Oz visa for Queensland so the complete opposite situation and it’s breaking my Mums heart that we are leaving. However I am a great believer in living life’s journey listening to your gut. Although this feels right now I wouldn’t hesitate to reconsider in ten years if my heart changes. No one can predict the future or predict how other people in your life will react to your decisions. You may find unexpected doors opening or results you couldn’t predict from following your heart. Life is too short to feel something so strongly and not act on it. Be brave and don’t let your anxiety mask your intuition. 

 

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On 23/09/2018 at 19:01, kerry knight said:

We (DH, twin 7 year olds and myself age 40) are currently applying for Oz visa for Queensland so the complete opposite situation and it’s breaking my Mums heart that we are leaving. However I am a great believer in living life’s journey listening to your gut. Although this feels right now I wouldn’t hesitate to reconsider in ten years if my heart changes. No one can predict the future or predict how other people in your life will react to your decisions. You may find unexpected doors opening or results you couldn’t predict from following your heart. Life is too short to feel something so strongly and not act on it. Be brave and don’t let your anxiety mask your intuition. 

 

Kerry I love your advice!  I'm working on changing my mindset.  Whereabouts in Queensland are you planning on settling?

 

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Hi! Nice to hear from you. We are heading to Noosa where my husbands older kids live but may move slightly inland once we have settled. Hows it all going your side of the pond?

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On 27/09/2018 at 19:03, kerry knight said:

Hi! Nice to hear from you. We are heading to Noosa where my husbands older kids live but may move slightly inland once we have settled. Hows it all going your side of the pond?

Still thinking it all through, it's a huge thing to do on my own.  Good luck with the move and enjoy Noosa ?

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**UPDATE**

My son and I returned from the UK a month ago after an amazing 8 months in the Midlands. We were lucky enough to secure a house sit via a friend who was travelling in Oz, which thankfully kept costs to a minimum, making the whole experience doable.

My son attended school there and loved it.  During the summer school holidays and weekends we'd hop on a bus or train (I didn't bother with hiring a car) and we explored the area - Chesterfield, Bakewell & Matlock in the Peak District, Southwell, Newark on Trent, Ashbourne, Lincoln and visited Chatsworth House (Summer fair/Christmas markets), Bolsover Castle, Newstead Abbey, Heights of Abraham, Sherwood Forest and many more.  So many beautiful places to visit ...and a gentle climate to be able to enjoy it in. 

We absolutely loved the whole experience and the change of seasons were such a refreshing change. The summer was perfect and even though the autumn was very wet it was still lovely to see the changing colours and then enjoy the build up to a magical Christmas and catch a glimpse of spring before we left.  It has cemented in my mind that I need to live there permanently for my peace of mind. I just love how everything is within easy reach, and there are countless things to see and do, as opposed to the sense of isolation I feel here...and did I mention the gentle climate 😃  The school was incredible compared to what my son has experienced here - a much higher standard and quantity of work was produced...and expected.  I've had the conversation with my partner about how important this is for me and he has come to realise that my feelings aren't going to change.  For now, we're staying put for the next 12 months with a view to heading back hopefully next year 🤞    

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Nice update.

We had a week in Bakewell earlier this month, absolutely beautiful round there. Loved it.

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