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Hanbo24

Am i mad!?

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Long time no chat on here, we moved to oz 6 yrs ago and we love it....or so i thought! Im back for a "holiday" and haven't felt so at home, i slotted back in with family and friends, like I've never been away...i mentioned it to dh (who's still in oz with kids) but he said he doesn't really want to start all over again if we moved back.  Meaning mortgage, job, new furniture etc. I can just see it being much easier than moving to oz. Am i mad to persue it or do i let it drop and go back and enjoy oz again?! I know no one can live my life but just after opinions of those that have maybe done it?

Thanks

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It’ll be interesting to see if you continue to love Australia or whether you will find (and maybe find uncomfortable) that you don’t get that feeling of belonging.  I think for many of us the longer you stay the more you realise you don’t belong and so when you click with the place/people/emotion that you do “belong” everything else then begins to pall after a while.  If OTOH when you get back you do get that feeling of “this is home” then you’re good to stick with it.

For me, my head always said “Australia is home” but my heart never got with the plan and though I was happy enough there for about 20 years or so, eventually the gloss wore off and I craved the belonging.  In hindsight, I wish we had moved back at least 10 years before retirement - maybe after the kids left school or even (and I think one son in particular would have had a much better future) for the boys’ HS years. As it is, we are back in retirement to care for my elderly dad and I’ve promised to return to Aus when he dies. Whether I will be able to cope with the lack of belonging then I have no idea but we both have dual citizenship so theoretically we have the freedom to come and go at will. If you keep all your options open just “be” where your best place is at the time.  

Good luck.

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6 hours ago, Hanbo24 said:

Long time no chat on here, we moved to oz 6 yrs ago and we love it....or so i thought! Im back for a "holiday" and haven't felt so at home, i slotted back in with family and friends, like I've never been away...i mentioned it to dh (who's still in oz with kids) but he said he doesn't really want to start all over again if we moved back.  Meaning mortgage, job, new furniture etc. I can just see it being much easier than moving to oz. Am i mad to persue it or do i let it drop and go back and enjoy oz again?! I know no one can live my life but just after opinions of those that have maybe done it?

Thanks

I can only give my experience as a long time expat who now lives in Australia. It’s quite normal to feel like that. I have met up with old friends from over 25 years ago and it’s as though we had never left, we slot back in their lives catch up with all the news etc. However in our case we have moved around so much that in some ways we don’t actually have so much in common any more with our old village friends apart from perhaps memories of happy times together? Love catching up still love them all but live a different life now. The reality of a trip ‘home’ is that usually everyone goes out of their way to welcome you back, once you leave they will will return to their normal life and routines. 

I have no answers everyone’s circumstances are different, only you can decide what is best for you. You have to reappraise why you moved in the first place. Australia doesn’t suit everyone, many posters have never felt happy here, many others are. 

We go back almost every year as our grandchildren are there, but know it’s not where we want to live anymore, 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Please posters don’t turn this into an Oz against UK thread.

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I also slotted back into life with family and friends like I had never been away whenever I went back to the UK.  It was always a wrench saying goodbye to Mum when it was time to leave but I settled just as easily back into life here with friends and luckily I enjoyed being back at work too.  It is different for everybody though.  You must decide where you would rather be.  I'm the same as Ramot.  I know I don't want to live in the UK anymore.  At one time I thought it would be ideal to spend a few months there every year or so once we were retired but I just don't feel the pull to be back now.  

Plenty of people have moved back because they prefer life in the UK and are very happy to be back.  You might be one of them too.  😀

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I've spent most of my life in the UK than all other countries combined in my relatively short life, and I've never felt at home here. However, strangely enough, when I went over to Melbourne to recce and compare with Brisbane/Sunshine Coast, I got a massive feeling of being at home as I drove back into Melbourne and for the next few days having returned from the road trip.

on landing at Manchester, I figured I'd get that same feeling...I didn't... I felt like I had left home.

I think Ramot is right, if people go out of their way to welcome you, you feel at home. I also think the home versus away decision is probably better led by the heart and not the brain... I'm glad I found this thread as I have been worrying about leaving my parents, my sister, my in-laws here and going halfway round the world, but saying that, our family is all over the world so if anything, I'm reassured that I should be able to make the WORLD my home and no particular country.

interestingly, I did go back to my country of birth about 10 years ago...didn't get the feeling of being home.

I went back to California were I spent my teenage years about 5 years ago... didn't get the "home" feeling....

maybe I'm just "homeless"...but the Melbourne feeling was really good!

just my two cents...

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Poms In Oz ...some are not even Poms...some aren't even in Oz...both apply to me🙈

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2 minutes ago, SWMOY04 said:

I've spent most of my life in the UK than all other countries combined in my relatively short life, and I've never felt at home here. However, strangely enough, when I went over to Melbourne to recce and compare with Brisbane/Sunshine Coast, I got a massive feeling of being at home...

Odd, isn't it. I grew up in Scotland and in fact, never left the country until I was 18 (and then only to go to England!). Yet I never had that feeling of being "at home" until I arrived in Australia, and suddenly I just felt I belonged.  No logic as my family has no connection to Oz. 

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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24 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

Odd, isn't it. I grew up in Scotland and in fact, never left the country until I was 18 (and then only to go to England!). Yet I never had that feeling of being "at home" until I arrived in Australia, and suddenly I just felt I belonged.  No logic as my family has no connection to Oz. 

I felt I was going to get pilloried for admitting feeling at home ina country I had never been to.... glad to know I'm not the only one


Poms In Oz ...some are not even Poms...some aren't even in Oz...both apply to me🙈

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9 hours ago, Hanbo24 said:

Long time no chat on here, we moved to oz 6 yrs ago and we love it....or so i thought! Im back for a "holiday" and haven't felt so at home, i slotted back in with family and friends, like I've never been away...i mentioned it to dh (who's still in oz with kids) but he said he doesn't really want to start all over again if we moved back.  Meaning mortgage, job, new furniture etc. I can just see it being much easier than moving to oz. Am i mad to persue it or do i let it drop and go back and enjoy oz again?! I know no one can live my life but just after opinions of those that have maybe done it?

Thanks

If you feel that you have slotted in like you have never been away....and that is a wholly good thing may I ask why you moved to Australia 6 years ago?

Also a holiday is not the same as a permanent move.


Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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5 hours ago, SWMOY04 said:

I felt I was going to get pilloried for admitting feeling at home ina country I had never been to.... glad to know I'm not the only one

its psychological, when you invest a lot mentally and financially your brain tries to convince you you made the right choice. 

Edited by simmo
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If you feel that you have slotted in like you have never been away....and that is a wholly good thing may I ask why you moved to Australia 6 years ago?
Also a holiday is not the same as a permanent move.
Interesting comnents, thank you everyone. We moved because we thought it would be a better lifestyle for us and our kids. At the time it felt right and I'm sure once I get back to my Australian home it will feel right again. I do worry about both sets of parents but also feel that our kids are missing out on the family units in oz although we have great friends, its not family and i honestly still don't like Christmas in oz!!!
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2 hours ago, simmo said:

its psychological, when you invest a lot mentally and financially your brain tries to convince you you made the right choice. 

Well, if you're referring to me, you're wrong.  I could have returned to the UK many times over my 30-odd years here, I'm lucky in that money or work have never been an obstacle.  But I've always liked living here and only went back a couple of years ago because my oh was so keen on the idea. 

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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1 hour ago, Hanbo24 said:

Interesting comnents, thank you everyone. We moved because we thought it would be a better lifestyle for us and our kids. At the time it felt right and I'm sure once I get back to my Australian home it will feel right again. I do worry about both sets of parents but also feel that our kids are missing out on the family units in oz although we have great friends, its not family and i honestly still don't like Christmas in oz!!! emoji23.png

The question to ask yourself is, do you want to spend every Christmas in Australia for the rest of your life?  If that idea doesn't phase you, then come back and continue enjoying life.

However, if the thought of spending your old age in Australia makes your heart sink, then move back now.  Do it while the kids are young enough.  I  know that sounds dramatic but the problem is, if you wait till the kids are mid-teens, you won't want to move back because you don't want to disrupt their exams. 

Then if they want to go to university, you'll find you can't move back because they'll be charged extortionate fees at a UK uni (because they haven't been living in the UK long enough).

So they'll have to go to university or college in Australia and then they'll meet a partner and when you want to move back, they won't want to leave their boyfriend/girlfriend.

Maybe you'll decide to move back anyway and leave your kids in Oz, but then they will start producing grandchildren and then what will you do?  

I know that's all a long way ahead, but it's scary how quickly it all snowballs and you're stuck before you know it.

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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3 hours ago, simmo said:

its psychological, when you invest a lot mentally and financially your brain tries to convince you you made the right choice. 

I invested a lot mentally and financially into The UK and still couldnt persuade myself that this is home.

my brain actually told me..."I don't care how much this place has cost us...let's leave!"

for perspective... of the 4 countries I will have spent more than 1 year in, only South Africa works out cheaper than Australia. 

USA and UK both cost me significantly more to get to their 189 equivalents. (I didn't proceed with he US one as I had already spent a lot and decided to come to the UK).

ASSUMPTIONS😉

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Poms In Oz ...some are not even Poms...some aren't even in Oz...both apply to me🙈

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When I was a kid I used to dream about Australia all the time - round about aged 10. We had no relatives here that I knew of and no one I knew had even been here.  As soon as we arrived when I was in my 20s I felt that I was home and wanted to live here the rest of my life. Sure it was hard leaving family and friends but that was not sufficient to stop me coming here. Some things in life you just can't explain.

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On 07/09/2018 at 08:44, Marisawright said:

Well, if you're referring to me, you're wrong.  I could have returned to the UK many times over my 30-odd years here, I'm lucky in that money or work have never been an obstacle.  But I've always liked living here and only went back a couple of years ago because my oh was so keen on the idea. 

easy girl!! i'm referring to the concept.  dont take it personally 

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On 07/09/2018 at 09:45, SWMOY04 said:

I invested a lot mentally and financially into The UK and still couldnt persuade myself that this is home.

my brain actually told me..."I don't care how much this place has cost us...let's leave!"

for perspective... of the 4 countries I will have spent more than 1 year in, only South Africa works out cheaper than Australia. 

USA and UK both cost me significantly more to get to their 189 equivalents. (I didn't proceed with he US one as I had already spent a lot and decided to come to the UK).

ASSUMPTIONS😉

If you want to believe that you "feel at home ina country I had never been to..." good luck.. you may need it.

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5 hours ago, simmo said:

easy girl!! i'm referring to the concept.  dont take it personally 

Good, just wanted to make sure.

I agree with "the concept", actually.  I'm always suspicious when I see people waxing lyrical about a place (or a person, come to that), especially if they go ballistic if you question them about it.  Usually what that means is that they're fooling themselves, and the reason they reject questions is that if they allow any doubt to creep in, the whole fragile edifice will collapse.

People who have a normal, healthy relationship with a place can see its pluses and minuses.  I prefer living in Australia but I would never say, "Australia is wonderful, Britain is sh**".   I wouldn't live in Perth if you paid me, but I know it suits families and beachlovers. 


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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5 hours ago, simmo said:

If you want to believe that you "feel at home ina country I had never been to..." good luck.. you may need it.

I'll start with apologising to you Simmo... because (at least to me) MY feelings have quite clearly touched a nerve of yours.... quite why, I have no idea...

now that that's outta the way, don't mind my future posts, I'm gonna wax lyrical all I want and enjoy my life, so don't come back with your comments again, coz your nerves will not be able to handle all my joy🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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Poms In Oz ...some are not even Poms...some aren't even in Oz...both apply to me🙈

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7 hours ago, simmo said:

If you want to believe that you "feel at home ina country I had never been to..." good luck.. you may need it.

I think SWMOY04 has already been to Melbourne and felt quite at home there.  Stop being such a negative Nellie Simmo.  🤨  Between you and Chris from Bristol (who hasn't been on the forum for quite a while - hope he is alright) you would think the UK and everyone who lived there was nothing but sheer perfection.  😎

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For the record Hanbo I don't think you're mad. I've been feeling similarly unsettled since returning to Australia from a trip home in June. Of course, that's very much an emotional response in my case as on a practical level it makes sense for us to remain in Melbourne. Maybe that's one way to look at it - where are you as a family best off? Would  the UK meet your needs career, home and school wise or would it be a struggle to start again, so to speak? How would your husband and kids feel about starting afresh, would they embrace it as adventure or would there be resentment which naturally intensifies during the difficult early days in a new place? 

I thought that my emotional response to being home during June would subside upon returning to Australia, but it hasn't. Being back here has made me realise how much of an outsider I am here. I can live with that though as Melbourne currently offers my wife and I well paid jobs and we have a nice home. We're public sector workers, so our salaries and employment options here are way better than they would be back home. That's ultimately what it comes down to for us - which country is a better bet in terms of paying off our mortgage and putting food on the table. As much as I'd love to just pack up and leave, I know that that would be an emotional decision and it would likely lead to all kinds of other problems. 

I'd be really interested to read your thoughts upon your return to Australia, in terms of whether you continue to feel unsettled or whether grounding yourself in the reality of your everyday life dispels those notions of returning to the UK. It's a tough situation to be in, because as much as it calls for a cool appraisal of all the available information, we're emotional beings first and foremost, and the heart wants what it wants. 

Hope it works out for you.

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On 07/09/2018 at 01:32, SWMOY04 said:

I felt I was going to get pilloried for admitting feeling at home ina country I had never been to.... glad to know I'm not the only one

 

5 hours ago, Toots said:

I think SWMOY04 has already been to Melbourne and felt quite at home there.  Stop being such a negative Nellie Simmo.  🤨  Between you and Chris from Bristol (who hasn't been on the forum for quite a while - hope he is alright) you would think the UK and everyone who lived there was nothing but sheer perfection.  😎

Just trying to inject some common sense into the thread toots.  I dread to think the number of Poms who have wasted a lot of time and money moving to aus based on fantastical threads on here, just to come back to the UK thinking "oh why didn't we listen to that "negative nellie" simmo.  

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where was your  common sense when I decided to come to the UK in the first place?

 

just because YOU (I assume) hate[d] Oz and you love the UK and it works out better for you, that doesn't mean everyone will experience the same. granted, SOME people will feel like you...

Edited by The Pom Queen
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Poms In Oz ...some are not even Poms...some aren't even in Oz...both apply to me🙈

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2 hours ago, simmo said:

 

Just trying to inject some common sense into the thread toots.  I dread to think the number of Poms who have wasted a lot of time and money moving to aus based on fantastical threads on here, just to come back to the UK thinking "oh why didn't we listen to that "negative nellie" simmo.  

How long ago is it since you lived here or started the visa process? Things change and people move on.


If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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