Moving back

[Scousers1]

Hi, has anyone moved back to the UK when they have one child born in OZ, daughter is 20 and says she will not go back but i am getting more and more isolated in OZ and would love to go back. Hubby is easy either way. If you have gone back how did you manage oz born kids?

[Marisawright]

What do you mean by "manage"?   A daughter of 20 is a grown woman, or should be.  At that age I was already married. I was in England, home was in Scotland, my husband was a student and we were skint - so I saw my parents only a couple of times a year.  In those days there was no Skype or mobile phones, so we wrote letters. These days I guess I'd be in touch more just because it's so easy on Facebook.

I know it's hard to face an empty nest but that's what happens, children are supposed to grow up and live their own lives.  In fact, you could be doing your daughter a favour by moving away - then she'll have no excuses not to get out and learn how to live like an adult, instead of clinging to Mum. 

If she really can't manage without you, then once you've moved, she will follow.  

[Phil & Vikki]

Totally agree with the comments above. At the age of 20 you can say OK if you will not go back then you stay here on your own. Let's see how much shine friends and the life here has when she is unable to pay rent or buy food.

We have a son born in Oz and we are moving back in a few weeks. We do not see any issues. He, like the rest of us has a UK and Australia passport. So for us settings g things up and getting him all set in the UK should be easy. Things like family allowance can be a bit of a pain if they only have an Australia passport.

Like already said your 20 year old daughter will leave at some point. Now though she has two choices if you do go. Stay on her own or come back with her family.

[Marisawright]

54 minutes ago, Phil & Vikki said:

Like already said your 20 year old daughter will leave at some point. Now though she has two choices if you do go. Stay on her own or come back with her family.

Actually I think the choice in this case is stay with the father or move back with the mother.

[Phil & Vikki]

Actually I think the choice in this case is stay with the father or move back with the mother.

Actually, there is no suggestion that the father will break the family up and that the mother will come back alone. The original post says that the father is easy either way, in regards to staying or returning. Not that he will stay here alone. That is how we read the post anyway.

[ramot]

5 hours ago, Scousers1 said:

Hi, has anyone moved back to the UK when they have one child born in OZ, daughter is 20 and says she will not go back but i am getting more and more isolated in OZ and would love to go back. Hubby is easy either way. If you have gone back how did you manage oz born kids?

We did the opposite, we retired to live in Australia and left our 3 in UK. They were all living in different parts of UK, youngest our daughter was  21, they were adults. Our Daughter was the most adventurous, went backpacking to South America and then stayed on in Mexico for 2 years. Unless they have a problem no point mollycoddling them, and it’s normal for young people to leave home and share flats to make ends meet if they don’t earn much. Better for them to be independent. Your daughter has the choice, she can stay in Australia, or follow you to UK one day.

I think you have posted before about this dilemma, and received similar answers. You have to decide for yourself what is best for you and your family as everyone’s circumstances are different.

Edited August 3, 2018 by ramot

[Quoll]

Go, just go and do what you want with YOUR life! At 20 she’s old enough to make up her own mind! If she wants to stay in Australia then she needs to just get on with it. She’s free to do whatever she wants, you deserve not to have your freedom to do whatever you want curtailed by her decisions. I’ve got one in auK (he came for a holiday) and one in Aus (he has kids that he wouldn’t leave and couldn’t bring). It’s perfectly doable.

[tea4too]

I get why people focus on the fact that a 20 year old is an adult, especially when they may have been out in the world fending for themselves at a similar age. But others including perhaps the OP’s daughter, are less capable and more vulnerable irrespective of their age. Reading between the lines I would guess the OP’s daughter is not someone who would necessarily seek adventure or take life’s challenges in her stride, and her perceived vulnerability is something of a worry and an issue for her mother.

 Whether that is enough reason for you to put your life on hold indefinitely Scousers1 is the question. To be honest, I get the impression you have mulled this over for a long time and are approaching a crossroads where for your own peace of mind you need to weigh everything logically and emotionally then get on with making a decision, however there is no right or wrong answer because this is not an exam. You are weighing your needs and options with those of your daughter. By default it seems that she has already done that and made her decision – to stay. Accept that and then give yourself permission to work out what’s best for you in the circumstances – and get on and do it.  

 Life is a series of decisions and as an adult your daughter will face many more as she gets older. Perhaps allow her to make this one without the responsibility of preventing you from making yours?  T x

 

[ali]

My dad once said that no matter what your age you're still my child, and I think as we become parents it's hard sometimes to realise that our 'children' are more than capable of looking after themselves.  You've come to a crossroads, if you're daughter wants to stay and you want to go then do what's best for you, your daughter will know that you love her and it won't be the end or your relationship - you will both continue to visit each other and you will be living the life that you are wanting to live.

[Scousers1]

Thank you all for your comments. I can see why most of you say she is an adult now but we are very close and spend alot of time together. She is not adventurous and does not spend alot of time with friends. She has lots but prefers her own company. I guess why it is such a heart rench is because i was at that age very adventurous and came to OZ with my then boyfriend now hubby but i always have regretted it. I am looking forward to going home to roost but she has only ever known oz even though she has visited uk and seems comfortable there. If she stayed here i would have no idea who she would share with etc all her friends are still living at home. We will just have to see what happens but i am definately getting ready to go home 

[Marisawright]

20 minutes ago, Scousers1 said:

Thank you all for your comments. I can see why most of you say she is an adult now but we are very close and spend alot of time together. She is not adventurous and does not spend alot of time with friends. She has lots but prefers her own company. I guess why it is such a heart rench is because i was at that age very adventurous and came to OZ with my then boyfriend now hubby but i always have regretted it. I am looking forward to going home to roost but she has only ever known oz even though she has visited uk and seems comfortable there. If she stayed here i would have no idea who she would share with etc all her friends are still living at home. We will just have to see what happens but i am definately getting ready to go home 

I know you worry about her, but the problem is, if she's not ready for you to leave her now, when will she be ready?  She may be just as clingy when she's 30, because she's not spreading her wings and she doesn't have to, it's too easy to stay at home with Mum, so that's what she'll go on doing.   Do you want to be stuck in Australia for another 10 or 20 years?

Honestly, I think she's bluffing.  She's learned that if she complains and makes a fuss, you will back down and agree not to go.  She may not realise she's doing it, but that's her strategy.   If you actually upped and moved, she would make a big fuss, pretend there's no way on earth she's going to move - then she'd follow you, because the alternative is too hard.

You don't need to know people to live in a shared house, you just look on the websites for people wanting a flatmate.

[Melbpom]

Scousers, If your daughter was living in the UK the most likelihood is that she would be living away from home at university in another city. It was very unusual for kids to say at home and go to their local uni. I know that in Australia it's very different because of the distance and cost to fly interstate and that most youngsters stay at home and don't seem to leave until their 30's. I think they miss out. I say this as someone who's parents left for Zambia as soon as I turned 18 and had finished A levels. Things turned out fine. I think you really want to go back and so why not start by booking flights at some time in the future, say 6 months or 9 months. There's nothing like a date to focus the mind.

[Booma]

1 hour ago, Scousers1 said:

Thank you all for your comments. I can see why most of you say she is an adult now but we are very close and spend alot of time together. She is not adventurous and does not spend alot of time with friends. She has lots but prefers her own company. I guess why it is such a heart rench is because i was at that age very adventurous and came to OZ with my then boyfriend now hubby but i always have regretted it. I am looking forward to going home to roost but she has only ever known oz even though she has visited uk and seems comfortable there. If she stayed here i would have no idea who she would share with etc all her friends are still living at home. We will just have to see what happens but i am definately getting ready to go home 

But she isn’t you and doesn’t want to do the same things you did at her age. Your description of your daughter seems to be that although she has lots of friends and has enjoyed some travel she is fairly self contained and knows what she wants. I can’t help thinking that you are the one struggling with the idea of being without your daughter rather than the other way around. 

[Beffers]

On 03/08/2018 at 16:28, Scousers1 said:

Hi, has anyone moved back to the UK when they have one child born in OZ, daughter is 20 and says she will not go back but i am getting more and more isolated in OZ and would love to go back. Hubby is easy either way. If you have gone back how did you manage oz born kids?

I get that she's your child but actually she's an adult who has told you she doesn't want to go back. So, there are two choices. You either stay in Oz to be near your daughter and work harder yourself at carving a better life for yourself (no need to be isolated these days, there are so many groups that one could join to make friends etc) or you return to the UK, leaving your adult daughter here to carve a life for herself. Presumably she still lives at home? Does she understand that if you go back, she will need to stand on her own two feet? Or is there a learning or physical disability that would prevent her independence? 

[Scousers1]

I think we would miss each other very much. I know my mum has always been my best friend, i have lots of other friends but its not the same. All my friends in the uk are the same mums are always the best friend. I have a cousin who went to Florida same time as i came to OZ and she is going through exactly the same only diff is her daughter is divorced with two young kids so cannot leave the US. I do agree that if we finally make the decision she may well go. I guess my biggedt fear is that i have always felt out of place in OZ and i dont want her to feel that in the UK.

[Toots]

I think your parents are in Australia??  Are they returning to the UK when you decide to go?

[Scousers1]

Yes they would return also

[Alltogethernow]

The best thing the 20 year old can do is a bit of back packing or something...

ATN

[Scousers1]

On 05/08/2018 at 18:36, Alltogethernow said:

The best thing the 20 year old can do is a bit of back packing or something...

ATN

Could not agree more but unfortunately she is not interested.

[Marisawright]

On 05/08/2018 at 09:27, Scousers1 said:

 I guess my biggedt fear is that i have always felt out of place in OZ and i dont want her to feel that in the UK.

That's her problem, not yours, and how will she know if she doesn't try?  She sounds like you, someone who likes to have family around, so she might love being amongst all her relatives and family friends. 

You know you are absolutely miserable in Australia, to the point where you've needed professional help.   The only way to stop feeling miserable is to move back to the UK.  You've tried everything else.  You're out of options.

So your only choice, really, is move back now, or move back later.  The longer you wait, the more settled your daughter will be.  There's no point putting it off and hoping she'll have a change of heart, because the opposite will happen.  She might even get married and then you'll be stuck in Australia for the rest of your life. 

Edited August 9, 2018 by Marisawright

[Melbpom]

On ‎05‎/‎08‎/‎2018 at 09:30, Scousers1 said:

Yes they would return also

The most pressing issue right now is surely your parents. It's a big move for elderly parents but it's doable and if they're keen they'll cope.

[TazG]

On 05/08/2018 at 09:27, Scousers1 said:

I guess my biggedt fear is that i have always felt out of place in OZ and i dont want her to feel that in the UK.

I hear you loud and clear on this one.  I am moving home next year and am scared that my children will feel the same way that I have felt for the past 30 years living in Australia.  I have never stopped missing home.  I am taking them over in Easter for a few weeks to see what they think with the plan of moving over in September.  They are very excited now, I hope they remain equally as excited after they have been there.

[Toots]

2 hours ago, TazG said:

I hear you loud and clear on this one.  I am moving home next year and am scared that my children will feel the same way that I have felt for the past 30 years living in Australia.  I have never stopped missing home.  I am taking them over in Easter for a few weeks to see what they think with the plan of moving over in September.  They are very excited now, I hope they remain equally as excited after they have been there.

Your children are still fairly young I think TazG?  If you are happy, they will be happy too.  My cousin and his wife migrated to Australia when their three were 12 and 10 (twins).  They missed their friends for a while until they made new ones at school and have never looked back.  They are young adults now and barely give Scotland a thought - travelled to lots of different countries but not the UK.  They had very few relatives and no grandparents left which made a difference I think.

[Marisawright]

4 hours ago, TazG said:

I hear you loud and clear on this one.  I am moving home next year and am scared that my children will feel the same way that I have felt for the past 30 years living in Australia.  I have never stopped missing home.  I am taking them over in Easter for a few weeks to see what they think with the plan of moving over in September.  They are very excited now, I hope they remain equally as excited after they have been there.

I think it's a different story for young children.   They are far more adaptable than an adult.  Your kids may be unsettled at first but they will be fine if you are fine.

[Chortlepuss]

It’s a tricky situation to be in. I got a job in Australia 11 years ago from the UK so am responsible for all of us moving over - at the time my kids were 10 and 12. Now in my 50’s and struggling to get work I cannot envisage retirement here and am desperate to get home and lead a full life. But I feel guilty for wanting this - my daughter is independent & will remain & my son has MH issues and is unlikely to get support in the UK. Although I think he would prefer the climate and culture of the UK it is a large step to make when he is relatively stable here & has friends.

 I would feel like I am abandoning them and not so easy to travel once you get older and frailer. Part of me thinks ‘made my bed and lie in it’ and part of me thinks ‘you only have one life’. I don’t suppose this helps much, but wanted you to know you’re not the only one going through this.