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Reluctant partner

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Hi folks, this type of message has probably been posted millions of times before, so apologies if I bore anyone!  Basically, my wife and I both have enough points to move to Australia with our professions, we have two young children.  She'd never been until after the Brexit vote madness; she approached me and said she wanted us to go, as it'd be bad for us.  We did the research for Oz and NZ, it looked favourable for us overall.  Unfortunately, that Autumn she completely changed her mind.  She said she wasn't prepared to go and nor would she ever be, and if I wanted to go I could.  We very nearly split but soldiered on, and there's no way I'd leave my kids.  She remains obstinate to this day, and has openly said she'll never go.  Is there any way of trying to broach this with her again?  So many friends of ours have gone and love the lifestyle, she has family in Perth and has visited.  Apologies for the long post, just feel heartbroken about it all.

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I would ask her what made her change her mind, you would have to be very open to what she says and listen, she may feel under pressure knowing that you want to go.

If it were me I wouldn't try to convince her, just listen and ask questions to understand her point of view. Leave it for a while then see if you can discuss further.

I wish you and your wife the best..  

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To be honest, I would be very careful about pushing her into it as it is a huge thing to do and I have seen more than one marriage split up just from the stress of the move. About half of those that do make the move end up back and that can also cause big issues if one doesn't want to move back

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Clearly you are missing out chunks of the story here.  Am I right in assuming that she has known for years that you want to live in Australia.  The disappointment and concern over the referendum in June 2016 made her temporarily consider it but she then reverted back to her original view.

It sounds like she simply caved to your pressure rather than came out with the idea on her own.  Am I reading between the lines correctly?

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No; she raised it entirely herself as I'd gone quiet on it for several years.

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49 minutes ago, DK1692 said:

No; she raised it entirely herself as I'd gone quiet on it for several years.

If she raised it once she may do so again but if she doesn’t - and it sounds like she probably won’t - then draw a line and get on with life. Just because some people appear to “love the lifestyle” doesn’t mean that everyone will, unfortunately. She’s said she will never go, I’d take that at face value and not flog a dead horse.

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1 hour ago, DK1692 said:

No; she raised it entirely herself as I'd gone quiet on it for several years.

Why do you think she said it?  Could have been just a gut response to the Brexit vote.  It seems she didn’t mean it though and you were perhaps reading more into it than it was - because it was music to your ears.

If you have since had a conversation where she has said that she will never go even if you went there on your own that’s pretty conclusive I would say.

If you want the marriage to have any future I would recommend that you just let this go because it ain’t gonna happen.

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Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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18 hours ago, DK1692 said:

Hi folks, this type of message has probably been posted millions of times before, so apologies if I bore anyone!  Basically, my wife and I both have enough points to move to Australia with our professions, we have two young children.  She'd never been until after the Brexit vote madness; she approached me and said she wanted us to go, as it'd be bad for us.  We did the research for Oz and NZ, it looked favourable for us overall.  Unfortunately, that Autumn she completely changed her mind.  She said she wasn't prepared to go and nor would she ever be, and if I wanted to go I could.  We very nearly split but soldiered on, and there's no way I'd leave my kids.  She remains obstinate to this day, and has openly said she'll never go.  Is there any way of trying to broach this with her again?  So many friends of ours have gone and love the lifestyle, she has family in Perth and has visited.  Apologies for the long post, just feel heartbroken about it all.

In my opinion, taking into account what you have outlined, both parties have to be 100% for a Migration to work;. it's hard enough when both are committed to the migration.

I'm sorry, but if she's not on board, I would leave it off.

Of course going by yourself would be crazy. 

ATN

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18 hours ago, DK1692 said:

Hi folks, this type of message has probably been posted millions of times before, so apologies if I bore anyone!  Basically, my wife and I both have enough points to move to Australia with our professions, we have two young children.  She'd never been until after the Brexit vote madness; she approached me and said she wanted us to go, as it'd be bad for us.  We did the research for Oz and NZ, it looked favourable for us overall.  Unfortunately, that Autumn she completely changed her mind.  She said she wasn't prepared to go and nor would she ever be, and if I wanted to go I could.  We very nearly split but soldiered on, and there's no way I'd leave my kids.  She remains obstinate to this day, and has openly said she'll never go.  Is there any way of trying to broach this with her again?  So many friends of ours have gone and love the lifestyle, she has family in Perth and has visited.  Apologies for the long post, just feel heartbroken about it all.

This is really only a decision that you can make as a couple. All I would say is that our migration cost us around £25,000 and we did it on the cheap. Its taken a year for us both to settle into decent paid jobs (with lots of temping in the first year), if you bring your kids, prepare for lots of upheavel, and also if after a year one of you decides to return to UK but the other one doesnt want to go, Australian law will decide that Australia is their home and that's where you all will have to stay - look up Hague Convention and international child abduction and all that, its real and I know people who are now trapped down under because of it.  

Finally the whole process of migrating, applying for visas, selling or renting out your UK home, packing all your belongings, saying goodbye to everything and everyone is not something to be undertaken lightly. You need to be in a strong committed relationship, standing shoulder to shoulder. Also Australia isn't the land of cream and honey, and that's coming from someone who married an Aussie, has been here before and is loving living here. Australia isn't the land of honey - It can bloody well sting and when that happens, you'll both need a partner who will stand by you, not someone saying this is all your fault, I never wanted to come, blah blah, if you catch my drift.

Judging from what you've said, and clearly and rightly you've not printed the whole story, it doesn't seem as tho you're strong enough or committed enough to work hard to make it work as a couple. It could be an exceedingly costly mistake, both on your bank balance and to the integrity of your family unit.  

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Having been around the forum for many years, I have to say that you really need to embark on the journey as a united couple and both being 'up for it'.  So many times, I've read that one of the couple really didn't want to move and went a long with it .. sometimes, it's the person who didn't really want to go who likes it and the one who wanted to migrate feeling let down that it wasn't what they expected. 

The migration journey is fraught with stress and can put a strain on the most committed relationship.  Sometimes, you have to make a choice - family or 'dream'

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I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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Thanks folks, I think it's very much dead in the water.  The whole Brexit thing is horribly worrying, particularly for those of us in the NHS, but we'll just have to make it work.

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T

Quote

Thanks again for the comments folks; only posting here as it came up again between my wife and I.  Ultimately, it's totally dead, my wife again made it clear she wouldn't consider it, regardless of what happens after Brexit.  So, hopefully I'll at least get over to Oz on holiday one day.

 

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On ‎15‎/‎08‎/‎2018 at 07:01, DK1692 said:

T

 

Hope you get to visit DK .. all the best


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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