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thebigmove2018

moving with teenagers

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first hurdle was to actually get the visa, which we did thank god, however we now have 3 reluctant teenagers, i dont know how to convince them we think it is best for our family, 2 of my girls are close to 18 so i'm hoping to ask them to give it a year and if they don't settle they can move home to my sister (which i am hoping would never happen ofcourse)

 

i know that given time they would settle and make friends and move on (like naturally kids tend to do when they leave school and all choose different paths of life, college apprenticeships, jobs etc), ofcourse at their age their friends are the most important to them.

im just looking for advise or input from anybody that has been here.

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16 minutes ago, thebigmove2018 said:

first hurdle was to actually get the visa, which we did thank god, however we now have 3 reluctant teenagers, i dont know how to convince them we think it is best for our family, 2 of my girls are close to 18 so i'm hoping to ask them to give it a year and if they don't settle they can move home to my sister (which i am hoping would never happen ofcourse)

 

i know that given time they would settle and make friends and move on (like naturally kids tend to do when they leave school and all choose different paths of life, college apprenticeships, jobs etc), ofcourse at their age their friends are the most important to them.

im just looking for advise or input from anybody that has been here.

Congrats on the Visa.

Where are you off to in Australia? 

ATN


190 State Nomination (65 + 5 = 70 pts) | Primary Teacher - that's the main applicant, not me, I'm the other half, a Photographer | AITSL Skills Assessment submitted 10 04 '16 | Successful AITSL Skills Assessment 10 06 '16 | 'Recce to Mellie' August 2016 | IELTS result 27 08 '16 (Av. 8.5) | State Nomination Application lodged 31 08 '16 | State Teaching Registration approved 23 12 '16 | State Nomination approved 23 01 '16 | EOI lodged 13 05 '17 | Invitation to apply received 15 05 '17 | Visa application lodged 03 07 '17 | CO allocated, medicals requested 24 07 '17 | Medicals completed 31 08 '17 | OMG! Visa Grant 28 09 '17 - we're Aussie Residents!!! Wahoo! | Arrived from Ireland to Australia (S.E. Melbourne) 30 12 '17....ahhhhh

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Not ideal but how about asking them if they have a friend who could come for a while when you move? It will give them time to settle whilst having some familiarity.

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3 hours ago, Alltogethernow said:

Congrats on the Visa.

Where are you off to in Australia? 

ATN

NSW, not sure where yet but we have to go to fulfil 190 criteria, we will be settling in Perth eventually, we have lived there before 

 

1 hour ago, JetBlast said:

Not ideal but how about asking them if they have a friend who could come for a while when you move? It will give them time to settle whilst having some familiarity.

this has crossed my mind actually! 

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4 hours ago, thebigmove2018 said:

first hurdle was to actually get the visa, which we did thank god, however we now have 3 reluctant teenagers, i dont know how to convince them we think it is best for our family, 2 of my girls are close to 18 so i'm hoping to ask them to give it a year and if they don't settle they can move home to my sister (which i am hoping would never happen ofcourse)

 

i know that given time they would settle and make friends and move on (like naturally kids tend to do when they leave school and all choose different paths of life, college apprenticeships, jobs etc), ofcourse at their age their friends are the most important to them.

I think to say you know they'll settle is being wilfully optimistic.  We've had quite a number of families on these forums whose teenage children have gone back once they were old enough.  


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Hi @thebigmove2018 I’m sorry to read of your dilemma unfortunately like Marisa mentioned we have had a number of families in the same situation. 

‘Every situation and every person is different but from what we have seen happen on here is.

1) You can beg/force/guilt trip them in to coming -but  they will resent you for this during all their time here, refuse to leave their room, live on Facebook 24/7 keeping in touch with friends back home etc etc.

2) Leave them behind and start a new life without them. This will make the move harder for you.

What I would suggest is to ask them to come over to validate their visa (that is your main priority, they may have no intention of ever living in Australia now but things can change dramatically in a young persons life) see if you can get them to stay a month (obviously longer is a bonus but don’t push them) make sure during this time you spend it in holiday mode, showing them what Australia has to offer. 

I am sorry to say but the majority of young ones have gone back after this short period BUT... wait for it... a few months later they have called their parents up and asked if they can make the move for good. Usually a friendship has gone wrong or they have separated from a boyfriend.

What we all have learnt from having teenagers is that the more we push them the more they retaliate even if they agree with our opinions. You have to make it seem as though it is their idea.

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If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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Wise words from The Pom Queen.

I agree that putting pressure on them would simply guarantee they'd dig their heels in.  In the olden days, you could  move teenagers to a new country and soon, cut off from their old friends, they'd adapt and find new friends.  Nowadays, when they move, they won't be cut off, because most of their interactions with their friends are online anyway.  So there's a very good chance they'll cling to the people they know and won't settle easily.

I agree that reverse psychology - agreeing to let them stay in the UK, and then waiting for them to realise that life without Mum and Dad isn't as much fun as they thought - is probably the best approach. Of course there's a risk they will stay put - but if that's the case, then they probably wouldn't have settled if you'd forced them to move.

As TPQ says, the important thing is to persuade them to come to Australia with you, even if they only stay a few weeks, because that will validate their visa.   We've had several cases of 18-year-olds who refused to migrate with their parents and changed their mind later - but it was too late because they had never validated their visa, so they had lost their right to enter the country.

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Have they finished their education? If they haven’t done their A levels they really need to do that. Then they have a choice about where to go to Uni if that Is their preference. If they want to do apprenticeships then they lose nothing by completing it in UK if that’s what they want - they may already have networks which might make it easier to get an apprenticeship. I certainly wouldn’t be forcing them to move at that age, as long as they validate they’ve got 5 years to make up their minds.

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thanks for your input, we intend to validate our visa on a holiday in November anyway and wont move for 12/18months (at the moment they are nearly 15 and 16)due to the girls sitting exams and a personal reason.

so they will have the visa validated before we make the big move anyway, i just don't want to leave them behind and for me that's not really an option, i think i will be ok-ish if they decide to come back after x amount of time and decide its not for them, however am i supposed to bring them kicking and screaming either.

when we lived in oz before they were gutted when we had to go home, i am probably over optimistic they will love it, it has been our dream for so long, 5 years ago this would have been so much easier.

 

 

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It is hard for parents to accept that their dream sometimes isn’t their kids’dream. That’s the way it goes. Once a kid gets to 18 they don’t really want to be hanging about mummy and daddy anyway so if it’s your dream to go then do so but allow your kids their dreams too and if that’s in a different country, well, so be it!  

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The reality of the situation is can they afford to stay in UK without you? Would friends or grandparents step up to have them living with them? Otherwise the choices are limited.

Our circumstances were different, but we did leave our 3 mostly behind. We moved overseas for work when our were 21, 18 and 13. The oldest had finished uni. and was basically self sufficient, 18 year old at uni. youngest at boarding school. 

We kept our UK house, so, until we rented it out a few years later there was still a family base there. The younger 2 joined us overseas for all their hilidays.

As I said our circumstances were different, but I can speak from experience, it isn’t easy leaving your children behind, we all suffered in some way. Our younger 2 who spent a lot of their time with us overseas never really settled back in UK, and followed us here to Australia when we retired here. The oldest spent far less time there and has never left UK. So you do face the possibility of your children in different countries, but that can happen to any family.

My input would be, they should come for an agreed time, try to settle and after that if they are old enough and want to return then of course they should if finances allow? 

All the best there isn’t an easy answer.

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