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Daybreak13

Stressed and confused

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Hi. We've moved back from Perth 6weeks ago. Everything seems to have gone wrong. We are all miserable. Even the pooch seems a bit down.

 

We think we might want to go back.

Hubby got a job after being unhappy in his employment in Aus for the last 2years. The job is down south Nr Portsmouth. WE couldn't find anywhere to live, seemed priced out. So instead of going to my friends like I said I would we came up north to my mum's. Hubby has to travel back down south to do his job 3days a week. We have this week rented a property to have our space because my mum just keeps saying we have to get on with it. 

We are not used to being apart and hate it. We have left our 19 yr old back in Aus to finish Uni. His choice. Our 13yr old hates his new school and everything around here.He was only 3 when we left the first time and doesn't remember much. It was a family decision to come back. I had my doubts just before we left. 

My mum keeps saying we've got to settle and our son will too.Shes also pushing to get him into air cadets to get him to settle in and make friends. Is 6 weeks to short a time to know if you've made a big mistake.

 

Sorry for the long post. Feeling miserable,and as though no one is listening about how we feel. Keep telling us we've just got to get on with it doesn't help.

We are also worried about our pooch and sorting him to go back. Just in case but I feel we will.

 

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It doesn't sound like you're miserable because you don't like living in the UK.  You're miserable because you don't have a home, you're separated from your husband, and your mum's nagging you.  Feeling miserable in that situation is completely understandable.

I'd expect any 13 year old to be in a sulk after being moved from one country to another, especially if his parents and grandparents are stressed and arguing.  At his age will adjust, so frankly I don't think you should fret too much about that.  You and your oh are the ones who need to make a decision for yourself.

Just remember that you came home for a reason.  It was a big decision to uproot your life in Australia and bring everyone back to the UK.  I'm sure you didn't do it lightly. 

Ask yourself, if you go back to Australia, why will it be any better than it was last time?  What made you so unhappy last time?  What are you planning to change, so that it works this time? 

I'd suggest sitting down and writing down all the reasons you left Australia, and force yourself not to see it with rose-coloured glasses - it's very easy to start thinking of the good times and forgetting the awful ones that caused you to leave.  

 

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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I’d leave your mum and try harder to find somewhere closer to the work tbh. Yes it is more expensive in the south but maybe venture out into the villages so that the DH has a longer daily commute. I think it’s the being separated that’s driving this. The 13 year old just has to get on with it! Cadets is a good idea though.

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I agree with both Marisawright and Quoll.  There must have been reasons for you to return to the UK, and if you return to Australia surely those reasons will still be there.  Like tho others, I expect it is the situation you've found yourself in, rather than the UK.  Is your husband looking for jobs closer to where you're living, and are you looking for somewhere to live closer to his work?  I suspect the pressure of being separated, and you having to deal with staying with your mum and an unhappy 13 year old is making things worse.

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Tbh it sounds as though you didn’t plan this move at all.  Property costs in the area where your hubby is working could have been researched ahead of time for example.  And there are some relatively cheap areas around Portsmouth.....I used to live in Gosport and there are some cheaper options there for example.

If people move their families to the other side of the world on a wing and a prayer then they have to expect a bumpy landing.  I agree with the other posters and also your mum.  You will have to manage the situation you are in and work to improve things over time.  Hubby may be able to get a new job nearer your home which would help a lot.

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Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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8 hours ago, Daybreak13 said:

Hi. We've moved back from Perth 6weeks ago. Everything seems to have gone wrong. We are all miserable. Even the pooch seems a bit down.

 

We think we might want to go back.

Hubby got a job after being unhappy in his employment in Aus for the last 2years. The job is down south Nr Portsmouth. WE couldn't find anywhere to live, seemed priced out. So instead of going to my friends like I said I would we came up north to my mum's. Hubby has to travel back down south to do his job 3days a week. We have this week rented a property to have our space because my mum just keeps saying we have to get on with it. 

We are not used to being apart and hate it. We have left our 19 yr old back in Aus to finish Uni. His choice. Our 13yr old hates his new school and everything around here.He was only 3 when we left the first time and doesn't remember much. It was a family decision to come back. I had my doubts just before we left. 

My mum keeps saying we've got to settle and our son will too.Shes also pushing to get him into air cadets to get him to settle in and make friends. Is 6 weeks to short a time to know if you've made a big mistake.

 

Sorry for the long post. Feeling miserable,and as though no one is listening about how we feel. Keep telling us we've just got to get on with it doesn't help.

We are also worried about our pooch and sorting him to go back. Just in case but I feel we will.

 

Concentrate on the external stuff of finding your own place, moving to be nearer your hubby (although I appreciate that will be another change of school for your son).  I wouldn't push him into the air cadets if he doesn't actually have an interest in that, but it is a good idea to look at some out of school activities he can join (depending on his interests) that might help him socialise.

I think if you can get the external things organised, it may help you feel more settled - when people were moving to Aus and feeling unsettled, the forum would generally suggest giving it 2 years (I think that was more to do with that you used to be able to apply for citizenship after 2 years - nothing magical about it), I would say give it a year - after only a few weeks the comparisons you'll make are still pretty new - after that time, if you still feel the same, examine what it was that made you return - was it only your husbands unhappiness with his work or were their other things?


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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Life is just too short to waste time trying to flog a dead horse.

Sounds like you already know what you need to do, and full credit as it takes a lot to admit you have made a mistake. But give it a little more time and if you still feel the same next week, book your flights!

 


173 Visa lodged - March 2016

Documents submitted / medicals completed – May 2020

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I cannot understand how you get to a place and then realise you can't afford to live there. This move back was huge and has separated a family, surely you would have looked at rental costs in the area. Until recently you were a family of four living together and now for half the week there's just two of you. It's a horrible situation to be in. It's hard for a 13 year old, difficult age to move and he is now without his older sibling and in part without his dad. I'd normally say give it time and work at it but living like this cannot make it better. Have a good honest chat between you and then make a decision. I do agree with what others have said, you left there for a reason and it must have been more than your husband was fed up in his job. Most of us are like that about our jobs at some point. You must have all really wanted this one start back in the UK. Try and look to achieve that if you can and really want to, if not go back. The dog will be fine I'm sure, not nice but it is what it is 

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If you really can't stand it put your energy into planning your return and researching places/jobs you would like.  Do you have PR? If so, it will be easier.  Maybe go back somewhere other than Perth?  You might like it better and the reasons for moving in the first place might no longer apply. I 'm thinking maybe a 5 year plan?  That way you could build your assets a little and part from anything else it makes you feel positive if you have plans!

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Hi ,thanks, 

 

My husband was being bullied in his job and so a lot of other staff. They've mainly walked too. My husband tried for 2years without success in finding a new job. Like I said I wasn't sure just before we left.  

Think mainly it was my husband driving us as  he was so unhappy. This might have even needed to be done for his sake to show him what we had. 

He's struggling here also and feels it was a bad decision. 

We did research on housing. We thought we could afford to rent  there but the estate agents say no. So what can you do against them. 

I feel as though my decision is made . My son's seem to be also. Just waiting to find out how my husband feels when he gets back.

If we were all in one place I don't think it would have made much difference. After being here 3 days hubby wanted to return. And we were together then.

Thankyou for all your input, yesterday was a real bad day for me

 

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1 hour ago, Daybreak13 said:

Hi ,thanks, 

 

My husband was being bullied in his job and so a lot of other staff. They've mainly walked too. My husband tried for 2years without success in finding a new job. Like I said I wasn't sure just before we left.  

Think mainly it was my husband driving us as  he was so unhappy. This might have even needed to be done for his sake to show him what we had. 

He's struggling here also and feels it was a bad decision. 

We did research on housing. We thought we could afford to rent  there but the estate agents say no. So what can you do against them. 

I feel as though my decision is made . My son's seem to be also. Just waiting to find out how my husband feels when he gets back.

If we were all in one place I don't think it would have made much difference. After being here 3 days hubby wanted to return. And we were together then.

Thankyou for all your input, yesterday was a real bad day for me

 

Hope you're feeling a little better today Daybreak x


I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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2 hours ago, Daybreak13 said:

Hi ,thanks, 

 

My husband was being bullied in his job and so a lot of other staff. They've mainly walked too. My husband tried for 2years without success in finding a new job. Like I said I wasn't sure just before we left.  

Think mainly it was my husband driving us as  he was so unhappy. This might have even needed to be done for his sake to show him what we had. 

He's struggling here also and feels it was a bad decision. 

We did research on housing. We thought we could afford to rent  there but the estate agents say no. So what can you do against them. 

I feel as though my decision is made . My son's seem to be also. Just waiting to find out how my husband feels when he gets back.

If we were all in one place I don't think it would have made much difference. After being here 3 days hubby wanted to return. And we were together then.

Thankyou for all your input, yesterday was a real bad day for me

 

Very sad to hear about the problems with your husbands job and I can understand why you needed something to change. I know how important money is, but it's not everything and I hope you manage to find a solution which makes your family happy.


173 Visa lodged - March 2016

Documents submitted / medicals completed – May 2020

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14 hours ago, Daybreak13 said:

My husband was being bullied in his job and so a lot of other staff. They've mainly walked too. My husband tried for 2years without success in finding a new job. Like I said I wasn't sure just before we left.  

This concerns me.  He tried to get another job for 2 whole years and couldn't find one.  What are the prospects of him getting a job if you go back, then?  You are struggling now, but Perth isn't going to be any better if your husband can't find work for 12 months, or ends up having to take another horrible job to make ends meet.

You say you couldn't rent because the real estate agents said no. Why was that, exactly?  If you've just arrived in the country, and don't have a job, then they will say no, because you've got no credit rating.  You have to offer to pay six months' rent upfront.  However, once your husband has his first pay slip, you should have no problem getting a rental place.

I really think your best solution is to have another go at renting a place near your husband's work, and then he can start looking for jobs in Australia without being constantly in panic mode.


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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14 hours ago, Daybreak13 said:

My husband was being bullied in his job and so a lot of other staff. They've mainly walked too. My husband tried for 2years without success in finding a new job. Like I said I wasn't sure just before we left.  

This concerns me.  He tried to get another job for 2 whole years and couldn't find one.  What are the prospects of him getting a job if you go back, then?  You are struggling now, but Perth isn't going to be any better if your husband can't find work for 12 months, or ends up having to take another horrible job to make ends meet.

You say you couldn't rent because the real estate agents said no. Why was that, exactly?  If you've just arrived in the country, and don't have a job, then they will say no, because you've got no credit rating.  You have to offer to pay six months' rent upfront.  However, once your husband has his first pay slip, you should have no problem getting a rental place.

I really think your best solution is to have another go at renting a place near your husband's work, and then he can start looking for jobs in Australia without being constantly in panic mode.


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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