Saurer Pfirsich Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I'm with Quoll on this one. We chose to leave, and sadly, this is one of the consequences of leaving - people get on with their own lives and a kind of invisible curtain descends between your lives and theirs. My experience has been that if you really want to maintain those relationships then you're the one that has to do the work. In our case that's meant storing up annual leave for bi-annual family holidays, interspersed by shorter, solo trips by myself. It's also meant utilising social media and SKYPE in order to retain a profile in the lives of family and friends back home. I've just had my first mate come and visit me here in 10 years in Australia, and he only came reluctantly to attend his sister's wedding here! Other family and friends have politely excused themselves from visiting, citing cost, journey length, climate, and in the case of one particularly forthright relative, total lack of interest in Australia, as reasons! I've long been philosophical about it. I love these people, so if they wont come to me, I have to go to them. Fortunately my wife and I both work for not-for-profit organisations that employ lots of overseas staff and so have flexible working practises such as allowing us to purchase leave or take leave without pay. For the O.P. I'd strongly recommend purchasing leave if you're employer is willing to let you. Mine lets me purchase up to 6 weeks extra a year which makes it possible to make those trips home whilst at the same time covering the school holidays. The only downsides to this are that whilst an employer might be broadly supportive of you purchasing and taking the time, an individual line manager might not be so accomodating. Also, it puts a bit of a hole in your pay-packet! Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest226914 Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 I completely agree, we made the move over here so yes it is our responsibility to go back there, which is why we have been going back. My parents choose not to come here (even though they visited twice before prior to us emigrating) so it’s just frustrating more than anything they won’t make the effort now. Not just because it saves us the hassle of going there but because we’d love to share our lives with them here. We haven’t expected anybody to visit us back at home except for my grandmothers funeral last year when we were not in a position to be flying all over the country to see people. We bend over backwards ALL the time to accommodate everybody else’s needs / make things easy for them but the favour wasn’t returned that time & so we’ll remember that this UK summer on our trip - I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that! And as for my sister in law, we’ve holidayed together every year as a family for a week in the summer and there’s never been an issue...as you don’t know the dynamics of my family & I suspect you wouldn’t want to know either you, you wouldn’t understand the situation! My parents were the same initially. They said they would never ever come over to visit. We went back 18 months after emigrating and we got verbally attacked by the whole family about why we would want to live in such a terrible country. Then my husband and I got engaged and the whole issues of the wedding came up because we wanted it in Australia and everyone refused to come. In the end my parents only decided to come last minute but we were prepared to have our wedding without any of my family. Bear in mind I have 3 sisters and a brother. 5 years later we still haven’t been back and my parents are coming this Christmas. Anyway what I’m saying is sometimes if you stand your ground and they think you aren’t going to go and visit they will step up and come over if they want to see you badly enough. They need to think you won’t be coming over at the drop of a hat. I know it’s tough though. We get so much pressure to go back to UK but when we toss up going back vs exploring more of Australia or somewhere else in the Southern Hemisphere that always wins. It’s sad my brother and sisters still refuse to come over but I have learned to deal with it. They are all young and healthy with a good income so if they wanted to see me badly enough they would come over. I think you learn to toughen up over time too. At the beginning I would always feel bad about not going back but I feel more at peace with my decisions now. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ramot Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 23 minutes ago, Saurer Pfirsich said: I'm with Quoll on this one. We chose to leave, and sadly, this is one of the consequences of leaving - people get on with their own lives and a kind of invisible curtain descends between your lives and theirs. My experience has been that if you really want to maintain those relationships then you're the one that has to do the work. In our case that's meant storing up annual leave for bi-annual family holidays, interspersed by shorter, solo trips by myself. It's also meant utilising social media and SKYPE in order to retain a profile in the lives of family and friends back home. I've just had my first mate come and visit me here in 10 years in Australia, and he only came reluctantly to attend his sister's wedding here! Other family and friends have politely excused themselves from visiting, citing cost, journey length, climate, and in the case of one particularly forthright relative, total lack of interest in Australia, as reasons! I've long been philosophical about it. I love these people, so if they wont come to me, I have to go to them. Fortunately my wife and I both work for not-for-profit organisations that employ lots of overseas staff and so have flexible working practises such as allowing us to purchase leave or take leave without pay. For the O.P. I'd strongly recommend purchasing leave if you're employer is willing to let you. Mine lets me purchase up to 6 weeks extra a year which makes it possible to make those trips home whilst at the same time covering the school holidays. The only downsides to this are that whilst an employer might be broadly supportive of you purchasing and taking the time, an individual line manager might not be so accomodating. Also, it puts a bit of a hole in your pay-packet! Best of luck with whatever you decide to do. Perhaps because we were expats/RAF for a long time, quite a few of our friends and even acquaintances have visited us in Oz, even twice in a couple of cases, and are perhaps more used to a nomadic life. I am quite good at keeping in touch, and do let family and friends know when we will be back, still get a fairly good response!! I sympathise with the posters who have to fit trips in around their holidays. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bulya Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 36 minutes ago, ramot said: Perhaps because we were expats/RAF for a long time, quite a few of our friends and even acquaintances have visited us in Oz, even twice in a couple of cases, and are perhaps more used to a nomadic life. I am quite good at keeping in touch, and do let family and friends know when we will be back, still get a fairly good response!! I sympathise with the posters who have to fit trips in around their holidays. Father was RAF. We moved around in the 50’s and 60’s before coming here. Can’t imagine staying in one place for your entire life 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 4 hours ago, george8181 said: Anyway what I’m saying is sometimes if you stand your ground and they think you aren’t going to go and visit they will step up and come over if they want to see you badly enough. They need to think you won’t be coming over at the drop of a hat. I know it’s tough though. We get so much pressure to go back to UK but when we toss up going back vs exploring more of Australia or somewhere else in the Southern Hemisphere that always wins. That's awful. Why the hell should your family put themselves out to visit you in Australia because you left them and you cant be bothered to go back. I hope you're paying their fares to compensate them for the inconvenience they are having to put up with. Never ever would I have done that to my parents and never would I do it to my kids either. I always offer to pay fares if someone is being put out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newjez Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 11 hours ago, aconcannon said: I’m having one of those days where the complications that come with living on the other side of the world are really getting to me... My hubby & I have been happily living in Australia for just over 2.5 years. During that time we’ve been home twice - once for a planned holiday & once for a funeral. I’m exceptionally close to my small family - parents, brother & a teenage niece & nephew. My hubby on the other hand sadly has a very strained relationship with his family. My parents aren’t in the best of health & I worry that I need to make the effort to see them now, before it’s too late & I regret it. They can’t/won’t fly to Australia so the pressure is on us to keep going back there. It does annoy me saving all of my annual leave & parting with large amounts of money to go back to the UK when there are a zillion places in the Southern Hemisphere we’re keen to visit, so much so my hubby has said that after the trip in July we have booked he doesn’t want to go back for at least 3 years. I’m happy to travel back alone but if I was to do that he’d still suffer as I’d have very little (if any) annual leave to go somewhere else on holiday with him so it doesn’t really help the situation. I feel torn. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? How did you deal with it? It would be so much easier if my family could come here. I'm the opposite, with my parents and siblings in Oz and me in the UK. I try and travel over there once a year, and try to take a child with me. But it is getting harder with school holidays and exams etc. They do come over here now and then. I actually have all of them threatening to come over next year, just as we have decided to move and do a building conversion. Good timing. My parents do help me out when i visit, they put me up and pay for my board. I offer but they refuse. I pay when we eat out. The thing that annoys me is that none of their family have ever visited them in the fifty odd years they have lived in Australia. They would have put them up and given them a really good holiday - but no. None of them. Really sad. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 15 hours ago, aconcannon said: Mum won’t fly unfortunately, which is frustrating as I went long haul as a child every single year growing up, my parents have even been to Australia twice before but sadly ever since we stared our paperwork to emigrate she decided to stop flying & much to my dad’s despair she hasn’t been on a plane since - that was 4 years ago! She’s never said “I don’t want you to move” but I think that must be what it boiled down to & she’s too stubborn to back track now we have made the move. I’ve suggested numerous times meeting somewhere for a holiday & the answers I get every time are “we’ll meet you in Europe as we can drive there” or “we’ll just pay for your flights home”. It’s a loosing battle sadly! It does sound a bit as though she's using emotional blackmail to get you to come home - refusing to fly, offering to pay, and therefore making you feel guilty if you don't make the effort to come home every year. I know how you feel as I used to go back every two years. I'd save up all my annual leave because I'm not good with jet lag, so I always wanted to go for three or four weeks at least - but did mean I didn't have any money or time to go on other holidays for about fifteen years, until my dad passed away! The idea of meeting in Europe isn't as silly as it sounds. The flights to European airports are often cheaper than flying to the UK, the airports are nicer - and I'm always surprised what a difference it makes, knocking two or three hours off that awful flight time. Also, instead of being stuck in the house with your parents, you'll all be having a holiday together, which is a much nicer atmosphere and gives you all something to do together. If you can take a villa somewhere with a bit of spare room, you could invite some of the other relatives to come and stay, too. If your brother and sister-in-law aren't willing to come and have a free holiday to see you, then that will tell you all you need to know. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted March 23, 2018 Author Share Posted March 23, 2018 That's awful. Why the hell should your family put themselves out to visit you in Australia because you left them and you cant be bothered to go back. I hope you're paying their fares to compensate them for the inconvenience they are having to put up with. Never ever would I have done that to my parents and never would I do it to my kids either. I always offer to pay fares if someone is being put out.Why are you looking for things on this post to pull people up on?? You said you’re parents came out every year for 6 months at a time, so with all due respect I don’t think you’ve ever been in the same situation as some as us so you clearly don’t ‘get it’. Did you pay for your parents to come here every year? And for 6 months at a time! Wow! What an inconvenience that must have been for them! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted March 23, 2018 Share Posted March 23, 2018 Like a lot of other people I went back to see Mum every second year when my two boys were little. Of course it was in the long summer school holidays here so was always in the middle of winter in Scotland. Mum came here from November 'til the beginning of March on the alternate year. When the boys were older I went back on my own. OH was never bothered about going back so he stayed here. Though he did come back with us in the winter of 1989 and took our two boys aged 4 and 5 to Berlin just after the Fall of the Wall. When my UK friends knew I was back in Scotland they always came to Mum's place to see me. They are scattered all over the place so it was better that way than me driving for days on end to see them when the whole idea was to spend my time with Mum. When the boys were a lot older I went back on my own. Mum and I had some lovely wee holidays together around the UK. Lovely memories. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 (edited) 1 hour ago, Toots said: When my UK friends knew I was back in Scotland they always came to Mum's place to see me...it was better that way than me driving for days on end to see them when the whole idea was to spend my time with Mum. I think this is the right way to look at it. Let your friends and relatives know that you only have limited time and you need to devote as much time as possible to your parents, so would they mind coming to see you? You would love to come and visit them, but naturally you need to put your Mum first. If you put it that way, it's a bit hard for them to say you're being selfish or lazy, isn't it? When you move to a new country, you are inevitably going to lose touch with some old friends and relatives. Edited March 24, 2018 by Marisawright 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 I find it ironic when it is stated that someone won't visit me but then I feel obligated to visit them. I someone else won't take the expense or hassle of visiting me, why should I take on the expectation that I am always expected to visit that person. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 6 hours ago, aconcannon said: Why are you looking for things on this post to pull people up on?? You said you’re parents came out every year for 6 months at a time, so with all due respect I don’t think you’ve ever been in the same situation as some as us so you clearly don’t ‘get it’. Did you pay for your parents to come here every year? And for 6 months at a time! Wow! What an inconvenience that must have been for them! No, the difference there is that they wanted to come, they could afford to come not that they were forced to come by me standing my ground because I didn’t want to go and see them but wanted to take my holidays elsewhere. It’s an attitude thing - you were the one who said stand your ground and they’ll come to you if they want to see you. That’s a very different situation. And yes, when they weren’t able to visit any more I did go and see them, on average every 9 months. Before they retired and were able to come I took the kids back every couple of years to see them. We now make the effort to go and see our Aussie family every year or, when we can’t, as we are carers for my dad, we pay for our son to come and see us. So yes we have been in your situation and for much longer! Our families were more important to us than my potential holiday explorations, big cars, flashy house but that was the priority we chose. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 No, the difference there is that they wanted to come, they could afford to come not that they were forced to come by me standing my ground because I didn’t want to go and see them but wanted to take my holidays elsewhere. It’s an attitude thing - you were the one who said stand your ground and they’ll come to you if they want to see you. That’s a very different situation. And yes, when they weren’t able to visit any more I did go and see them, on average every 9 months. Before they retired and were able to come I took the kids back every couple of years to see them. We now make the effort to go and see our Aussie family every year or, when we can’t, as we are carers for my dad, we pay for our son to come and see us. So yes we have been in your situation and for much longer! Our families were more important to us than my potential holiday explorations, big cars, flashy house but that was the priority we chose. I suggest you read back on what I’ve written, in fact read my initial post again as the entire theme here is that I keep going back because I want to make that effort to see them before it’s too late & that’s why come July I’ll have been home 3 times in less than 3 years! It’s my husband who isnt keen to go back & that’s my dilemma! I also don’t recall saying I’ll stand my ground in a bid to make them come here?! Nobody has been forced to come here & nor would I try to force anybody! I don’t know who you are or what your problem is but I’d appreciate it if you keep your pointless negative comments & accusations to yourself...if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all!!!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted March 24, 2018 Author Share Posted March 24, 2018 That's awful. Why the hell should your family put themselves out to visit you in Australia because you left them and you cant be bothered to go back. I hope you're paying their fares to compensate them for the inconvenience they are having to put up with. Never ever would I have done that to my parents and never would I do it to my kids either. I always offer to pay fares if someone is being put out.P.S I still can’t get over that you felt the need to write this comment! Just because you don’t agree with something that somebody has written doesn’t mean you should call them out on it & tell them they’re awful...i think that’s awful to try & belittle somebody because you don’t share the same opinion. That’s called being a bully, in my eyes! People use this forum to get support from others, not to be put down & made to feel stupid! Shame on you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted March 24, 2018 Share Posted March 24, 2018 1 hour ago, aconcannon said: P.S I still can’t get over that you felt the need to write this comment! Just because you don’t agree with something that somebody has written doesn’t mean you should call them out on it & tell them they’re awful...i think that’s awful to try & belittle somebody because you don’t share the same opinion. That’s called being a bully, in my eyes! People use this forum to get support from others, not to be put down & made to feel stupid! Shame on you! Mea culpa, it was another poster who originally advised to stand their ground to get the unwilling parents over to see the grandkids which, as you say, is tantamount to bullying but you bit back in response and I thought you were taking the personal offence and didn’t track back to the original I quoted. I didn’t say they were awful I thought the sentiment was awful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parley Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 Has anyone else noticed that n one says Ï'm Sorry anymore. Today's apologies are pathetic. I blame the politicians who started all this If anyone took offence etc etc. If you are in the wrong just say I'm Sorry. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 I would honestly feel that after an 8 week trip and if you are the one making all or most of the running to see people, arrange catch ups etc that you are quite entitled to having a break from visiting for a year or two. And to not beat yourself up about it either then. Go enjoy a holiday somewhere else a couple of times. Good friends should surely be prepared to make the effort to come to you on some trips back too IMHO. Just because you are the ones who migrated doesn’t mean in my book you should always be the one to go visit them once in the UK on holiday. Friendship goes both ways and if you were still living there you would hopefully alternate to visit so why should it not at least alternate on a trip back now. I went back once and only one friend made any effort to try to see me, when at least half a dozen had said they wanted to catch up. Thing was, none of the others were prepared to travel further than 20-30mins from their homes and I was staying 2.5 hours drive away. So had a 2 hour drive at least each time. But they could drive 2 hours elsewhere for a day trip on another weekend with their kids. Nah sorry, that only happens once, I don’t go for it again. If need be make a quick week trip back to see your parents somewhere in Europe (just you probably, not husband in tow) and plan it over a public holiday week in Aus etc to not eat into your annual leave too much. Stay somewhere cheap to fly to and visit and perhaps more easterly so as to keep travel time down for you. Some amazing countries to choose from. But don’t think you need to feel obligated to go back for an annual UK holiday or anything so soon after an 8 week trip. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted March 25, 2018 Share Posted March 25, 2018 1 hour ago, snifter said: Good friends should surely be prepared to make the effort to come to you on some trips back too IMHO....I went back once and only one friend made any effort to try to see me, when at least half a dozen had said they wanted to catch up. Thing was, none of the others were prepared to travel further than 20-30mins from their homes and I was staying 2.5 hours drive away. So had a 2 hour drive at least each time. But they could drive 2 hours elsewhere for a day trip on another weekend with their kids. Nah sorry, that only happens once, I don’t go for it again. Exactly. Sure, it would be unreasonable if I went back, stayed with my niece in Weybridge and expected all my Scottish relos to come down and see me. It wouldn't be unreasonable if I stayed with friends in Stirling. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrets Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 On 3/23/2018 at 23:43, Quoll said: That's awful. Why the hell should your family put themselves out to visit you in Australia because you left them and you cant be bothered to go back. I hope you're paying their fares to compensate them for the inconvenience they are having to put up with. Never ever would I have done that to my parents and never would I do it to my kids either. I always offer to pay fares if someone is being put out. The point was they did go back and got torn a new one as a result. Sometimes migrating means you need to focus on your immediate family unit. My parents regret to this day that parental pressure prevented them from following their dream of migrating to Canada. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 I haven’t read all the replies but for us, when we first said we were moving, my mother disowned me and didn’t speak to us until we had been out here for 4 years, she then made contact out of the blue wanting to come over immediately, she then came for 3 months every year, she has now reduced this due to her new partner not being well enough to fly. My MIL swore she could never ever make such a long flight, eventually she bit the bullet and they came out and now visit every 2 years. We have been very lucky as I’ve no interest in going back and we have never been back since we arrived 14 years ago. I know we will have to eventually although health wise I couldn’t cope with the long flight and would need to break it up. Is it the distance that puts your mum off or her health? Could you all meet up half way like Singapore etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bulya Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 3 hours ago, The Pom Queen said: I haven’t read all the replies but for us, when we first said we were moving, my mother disowned me and didn’t speak to us until we had been out here for 4 years, she then made contact out of the blue wanting to come over immediately, she then came for 3 months every year, she has now reduced this due to her new partner not being well enough to fly. My MIL swore she could never ever make such a long flight, eventually she bit the bullet and they came out and now visit every 2 years. We have been very lucky as I’ve no interest in going back and we have never been back since we arrived 14 years ago. I know we will have to eventually although health wise I couldn’t cope with the long flight and would need to break it up. Is it the distance that puts your mum off or her health? Could you all meet up half way like Singapore etc. Off topic but thought you’d been here a lot longer than 14 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 It could be lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Bottom line is you not anyone else, whoever they are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aconcannon Posted April 3, 2018 Author Share Posted April 3, 2018 I haven’t read all the replies but for us, when we first said we were moving, my mother disowned me and didn’t speak to us until we had been out here for 4 years, she then made contact out of the blue wanting to come over immediately, she then came for 3 months every year, she has now reduced this due to her new partner not being well enough to fly. My MIL swore she could never ever make such a long flight, eventually she bit the bullet and they came out and now visit every 2 years. We have been very lucky as I’ve no interest in going back and we have never been back since we arrived 14 years ago. I know we will have to eventually although health wise I couldn’t cope with the long flight and would need to break it up. Is it the distance that puts your mum off or her health? Could you all meet up half way like Singapore etc. It’s a bit of a long story really so I won’t bore you with it, but the main reason why she won’t fly to Australia is due to her health. She’s made the journey about 3 times before to see her brothers (prior to us emigrating) & she broke the journey up with stopovers but she still struggled...she’s not flown in 10 years! The only place we could meet them would be somewhere they could drive to in Europe, in which case we may as well just fly home & see other family members & friends. In reality Mum could make the journey here but she’d need to make a lot of lifestyle changes which I fear she never will. Would love to show her our life here but I suspect we’ll sadly never have the opportunity to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 (edited) 1 hour ago, aconcannon said: The only place we could meet them would be somewhere they could drive to in Europe, in which case we may as well just fly home & see other family members & friends. So she can't even manage a short-hop flight? I must say it does sound like emotional blackmail to me. As i said before, I think the idea of renting a villa somewhere and offering open-house to anyone who cares to visit, would solve a lot of your problems and give your Mum a nice holiday into the bargain. Edited April 4, 2018 by Marisawright Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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