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Banana707

Moving home alone after 10 years

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On ‎6‎/‎02‎/‎2018 at 10:21, Marisawright said:

That sentence sounds like something I could've said about my previous partner.   When we split up, I was still fond enough of him to care about his welfare, but not enough to be stuck with him for the rest of my life.  I often said that if I could have wrapped him up and handed him over to a nice woman who'd look after him properly, I would have walked away a lot sooner.  

If it's really over, then you're right - don't drag it out.  I wouldn't even offer the option of following you later, it just gives him hope that you'll weaken and come back.   He will be hurt, but he's going to be hurt no matter when you do it.  It hurts a lot less if you rip the plaster off quickly.

Yeah I feel a bit the same. If there was someone here to take my spot off Id go. Its not that he needs taking care of as he is very self sufficient. I just cant bare the idea of him being lonely.

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19 minutes ago, Banana707 said:

Yeah I feel a bit the same. If there was someone here to take my spot off Id go. Its not that he needs taking care of as he is very self sufficient. I just cant bare the idea of him being lonely.

If that's how you feel, don't hesitate - go.  You're not his mum.  The longer you let him cling to you, the older he'll be when you eventually leave, and the harder it'll be for him to find someone new.  Feeling protective of someone is not the same as being in love.

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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@Marisawright hits the nail fair squarely on the head again. You're not responsible for his happiness. Yes of course it's natural you want him to be happy, how about you!!

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On Tuesday, February 06, 2018 at 08:34, Marisawright said:

You are absolutely right!   I think it happens more often than you think.  A helpless male who's reliant on you, awakens the mothering instinct.

Like how this is turning round to sound like it's the bloke who's in strife.

I think he will be fine. Probably be on a dating site as soon as your on the plane if he has sense.

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9 minutes ago, Paul1Perth said:

Like how this is turning round to sound like it's the bloke who's in strife.

I think he will be fine. Probably be on a dating site as soon as your on the plane if he has sense.

I think he'll be fine, too.  The OP is the one who's dreading the thought of "abandoning" him.    I had the same reluctance when leaving my partner.  Yes he was devastated in the short term, but he's happily married now, to someone who's a much better match for his personality.

Edited by Marisawright

Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Hi. I was not saying he needs me or is helpless and reliant. I'm sure he will in fact cope with the separation better than me.

 

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1 hour ago, Banana707 said:

Hi. I was not saying he needs me or is helpless and reliant. I'm sure he will in fact cope with the separation better than me.

OK, so is your hesitation because you hate conflict, or hate inflicting pain on people?  Just asking because it's always helpful to analyse why you're feeling the way you are.

Edited by Marisawright

Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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On 09/02/2018 at 16:23, Marisawright said:

OK, so is your hesitation because you hate conflict, or hate inflicting pain on people?  Just asking because it's always helpful to analyse why you're feeling the way you are.

Hate causing any pain to anyone else. Also I do still love him and the idea of never seeing him is awful. But it's time to be a grown up and make a decision.

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So I have 100% decided to head home. 

I told my partner that I'd be leaving april 9.

 Since he realises I am actually doing it he now says he will consider a move back but wants to go for a trip first and then decide. Then if he will go back it will be in a year or two time.

Now I'm conflicted again..do I wait to go on the trip home together and see if he likes it?

Even if he does, he wants to wait at least one or two more years and I don't know if I have it in me. Also what if he changes his mind in a year and won't go again.

At the moment he is really stressed out at the idea of me leaving and maybe it' just the stress talking.

I know you can't answer this for me but just wanted a sounding board.

Perhaps I say I am definitely going but just move my return date back to may or June to give him more time to decide?

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I vote for go.  Then you will both know how you really feel and if you can live without the other.

My nephew fell for a Turkish girl who was on a work visa in London.  His first proper relationship.  However when her visa ended she had to return to Turkey.  She asked if he would marry her so she could stay, he panicked, it was too soon for him and he said no.

 After 3 months of her leaving he knew he couldn’t live without her and followed her to Istanbul on his own work visa, learned the language and got a job.  Upshot is they are now married with two kids and currently living in Kent.  Luckily Turkey isn’t far and she can visit family and friends and her mum comes over regularly. But in the end the relationship was stronger than any countries pull.

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So many wineries ......so little time :yes:

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On 06/02/2018 at 10:34, Marisawright said:

You are absolutely right!   I think it happens more often than you think.  A helpless male who's reliant on you, awakens the mothering instinct.

Happens in reverse too.  My first marriage dragged on for 11 years because I was so concerned about her mental state if we broke up.  In the end she met someone at work which was a blessing really - though unfortunately it didn’t work out for her.

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Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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40 minutes ago, Banana707 said:

So I have 100% decided to head home. 

I told my partner that I'd be leaving april 9.

 Since he realises I am actually doing it he now says he will consider a move back but wants to go for a trip first and then decide. Then if he will go back it will be in a year or two time.

Now I'm conflicted again..do I wait to go on the trip home together and see if he likes it?

Even if he does, he wants to wait at least one or two more years and I don't know if I have it in me. Also what if he changes his mind in a year and won't go again.

At the moment he is really stressed out at the idea of me leaving and maybe it' just the stress talking.

I know you can't answer this for me but just wanted a sounding board.

Perhaps I say I am definitely going but just move my return date back to may or June to give him more time to decide?

Reading this whole thread I am concerned that you are potentially uprooting him because he decides that you are more important to him at this moment in time than anything else....but that you do not feel the same way.  Imagine the festering resentments further down the line, it will not be nice.

You two need a really long cool calm talk about your real feelings for each other and how you see your life ideally 10 years from now and is that likely to be together.

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Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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22 minutes ago, rammygirl said:

I vote for go.  Then you will both know how you really feel and if you can live without the other.

My nephew fell for a Turkish girl who was on a work visa in London.  His first proper relationship.  However when her visa ended she had to return to Turkey.  She asked if he would marry her so she could stay, he panicked, it was too soon for him and he said no.

 After 3 months of her leaving he knew he couldn’t live without her and followed her to Istanbul on his own work visa, learned the language and got a job.  Upshot is they are now married with two kids and currently living in Kent.  Luckily Turkey isn’t far and she can visit family and friends and her mum comes over regularly. But in the end the relationship was stronger than any countries pull.

Thanks for the advice. So you think stick to my plan to leave april?

I keep leaning towards this to as i dont want to live in limbo still waiting to see if he will come with me.

But I also want to give him time. 

Still I've told him for two years I wanted to go and he just ignored it cos he didn't take me seriously until now. 

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7 minutes ago, Gbye grey sky said:

Reading this whole thread I am concerned that you are potentially uprooting him because he decides that you are more important to him at this moment in time than anything else....but that you do not feel the same way.  Imagine the festering resentments further down the line, it will not be nice.

You two need a really long cool calm talk about your real feelings for each other and how you see your life ideally 10 years from now and is that likely to be together.

Thanks. Yes this concerns me to

 A few months ago I would be 100%  certain I want him to come but to get my head in a place where I could leave I emotionally distanced myself a bit and now I'm scared to let that come back in case he chooses not to come.

If he just said he is certain he wants to come with me and be happy I'd be confident we would be, at the moment though I feel like I'm forcing him into it and that probably won't work out.

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I’m married to an Australian who I met in the UK and I knew from the beginning that he wanted to move back to Australia at some point.  For a long time though I wasn’t ready to leave the UK and he stayed with me, suffering with depression and SAD, for 13 years until I was ready to move with him.  Our relationship was far more important to him than the country he lived in.

 

I find it a little sad that you are putting a country before your relationship but think that this is maybe an indication that your relationship isn’t really that important to you.  I think you need to decide whether you want to split with your OH or not.  Put the moving thing on one side for now and make a decision about whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  If it is then you need to work with him to work out the best solution for both of you, which may mean you staying for now.  If it’s not then leave him right now and stop dragging this thing out.

 


Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

Dale Carnegie – 1888-1955, Author and Lecturer

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17 minutes ago, NicF said:

I’m married to an Australian who I met in the UK and I knew from the beginning that he wanted to move back to Australia at some point.  For a long time though I wasn’t ready to leave the UK and he stayed with me, suffering with depression and SAD, for 13 years until I was ready to move with him.  Our relationship was far more important to him than the country he lived in.

 

I find it a little sad that you are putting a country before your relationship but think that this is maybe an indication that your relationship isn’t really that important to you.  I think you need to decide whether you want to split with your OH or not.  Put the moving thing on one side for now and make a decision about whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  If it is then you need to work with him to work out the best solution for both of you, which may mean you staying for now.  If it’s not then leave him right now and stop dragging this thing out.

 

Fair point however I have been here 10 years for him. I have been on anti depressants on and off for the past 3 years as I've wanted to go home. For me it's time he put me first instead of Australia.

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He has known your feelings for long enough, if you need to go in April ( or maybe may/June to give him time to sort himself out ) then this doesn't need to change, he can be on the plane with you if he wants to.

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28 minutes ago, Wa7 said:

He has known your feelings for long enough, if you need to go in April ( or maybe may/June to give him time to sort himself out ) then this doesn't need to change, he can be on the plane with you if he wants to.

Thanks. I think I'l tell him I'm going in april if I'm going alone but that if he will come with me ill wait until may or June.

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5 hours ago, NicF said:

I’m married to an Australian who I met in the UK and I knew from the beginning that he wanted to move back to Australia at some point.  For a long time though I wasn’t ready to leave the UK and he stayed with me, suffering with depression and SAD, for 13 years until I was ready to move with him.  Our relationship was far more important to him than the country he lived in.

 

I find it a little sad that you are putting a country before your relationship but think that this is maybe an indication that your relationship isn’t really that important to you.  I think you need to decide whether you want to split with your OH or not.  Put the moving thing on one side for now and make a decision about whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.  If it is then you need to work with him to work out the best solution for both of you, which may mean you staying for now.  If it’s not then leave him right now and stop dragging this thing out.

 

Isn't that what you did for 13 years. So don't judge others too harshly ?

It sounds like you also put your OH through depression for a country.


I want it all, and I want it now.

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3 hours ago, Banana707 said:

Thanks. I think I'l tell him I'm going in april if I'm going alone but that if he will come with me ill wait until may or June.

TBH I think you should just go in April and that's that.

He sounds to me as though he's just trying to buy time.  If he keeps promising to go "soon", then you'll keep giving him a couple more months and a couple more months and a couple more...You've already given him two years, so he has learned that delaying tactics work, and he'll go on using them until you call his bluff.

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Go, just go. You’ve given it a long time and no one should be living on antidepressants just to enable them to live in another country, sorry.  It sounds like he’s suddenly realised that you’ve called his bluff, he’s had you stringing along for the last few years, knowing you weren’t happy and all of a sudden that isn’t working for him any more. Tell him you’ll go in April as planned and set things up but if he’s not booked to be with you by the end of June you’ll know he’s not coming. 

I hear the “but then he will be depressed” arguments coming - my own husband said that to me once in one of our discussions (he has since apologised!) - one of you will probably cope better with the exogenous depression than the other and it’s blatantly obvious that if you’ve tried for several years, and needed to resort to medication to get through each and every day, that it’s probably not you. He may do better at being where he doesn’t want to be - or he may be a petulant basket case in which case maybe you might reconsider Australia or cut your losses and move on.

Its bloody hard living where you don’t want to be and it does get you down. If you can reframe your life into “I’m better here with him than there without him” then it’s easier to manage but if you can’t do that then the best thing for you is to reclaim your life and not be tied to someone who doesn’t give a toss if they cause you pain, because waking up every morning in the wrong place is pain for some of us. 

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I believe sacrificing in relationships is key to a healthy and a happy relationship, off-course that depends on what one's priority is i.e. to save the relationship or go ahead and do what you feel best. Its like you want to do what your heart says but your mind is stopping you to do so because of the bond you share with your partner.

My two bits, I feel if you are well settled, earning well, leading a good life in Oz then do not disturb it . Yes you are torn apart between your ageing parents and your partner / life in Oz and its a tough decision to make. 

How easy or difficult would it be for you to settle in the UK and start all over again and reach a level of income and lifestyle that you are leading today? If you are confident that you can pull it off then go for it! Remember absence makes the heart grow fonder and if you both are really made for each other there will be a way that one of you would eventually sacrifice and work things out. 

All the best @Banana707 and God Bless!

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10 minutes ago, KPG said:

I believe sacrificing in relationships is key to a healthy and a happy relationship,

Yes, that's true but ONLY if both sides are sacrificing EQUALLY!   

For instance, in my first marriage, I supported my husband through the first two years of our marriage while he studied.   Then when we went to Africa, he worked while I was a lady of leisure.  So long as there's a balance it's fine.

However, if it's a case that one partner has to keep on compromisng his/her happiness year after year, and the other partner never offers a compromise in return, then that can never be a healthy relationship.  That's a user and a slave.

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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36 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

However, if it's a case that one partner has to keep on compromisng his/her happiness year after year, and the other partner never offers a compromise in return, then that can never be a healthy relationship.  That's a user and a slave.

Absolutely agree.

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