Moving home alone after 10 years

[Banana707]

Hi all

So it's with a heavy heart that I am deciding to leave australia after 10 years.

My partner and I came on a working holiday visa and ended up staying. We have built an amazing life here, great job, big house, lovely dog (no kids) but I've always felt the pull of home and my fiance has said he will never leave.

I know the lifestyle here is better but I've just found it harder and harder to stay when all my family are in uk and parents are getting older.

I've told my partner, he cried but understands and things are being really friendly however inside I'm broken hearted and just want to beg him to come with me.

I am planning to leave in 10 weeks but unsure what to do til then. Stay in the house and be together til it's time to go, Move out now. My partner and dog are the only family I've really had these past ten years.

Any advice?

[Guest]

It's such a hard thing to go through, so many people (not only on a forum) feel this way so you're not alone. Your partner loves it - that's a very hard one. I imagine it's just as hard for your fiance to see you go as it is for you to go. I feel for you being under the same roof, that cannot be easy despite how friendly things may feel. Especially when you've planned your lives together.

Is there any way you could go back for an extended stay? Not cut ties altogether in the event that you go back but then decide it's not for you (don't worry, again you're definitely not alone if you did this, so many do!). If you went back for an initial agreed amount of time, would your partner agree to go back for this agreed time also?  The fact that it isn't seen as a 'forever' move might help -although you would have to agree on this (or both keep completely open minds until a decision can be reached). Are there family members or friends you could stay with in the UK whilst you clear your head and really decide on what you want to do? Sounds like you need some space to think and then plan. Don't think too much ahead, take things in small steps.  Keep the conversation up with your fiance as much as you can, try to see things from their point of view also. Wish you the best.

[Marisawright]

You're not alone.  Missing friends and family is the biggest single reason why people eventually return.   

I think Ozzie might be on to something by suggesting you think of it as a temporary move. Agree with your partner that you're going to go back for, say, a year, and then review it at the end of that time.

That way you can take the essentials with you to the UK but you don't need to break up the life you have in Oz just yet.  It also means you could get straight on the plane right now, instead of hanging around for months pulling everything apart, while things get more and more awkward between you.

The advantage of that is that your partner will have a year living without you, before he has to decide whether to follow you or break up.  You both get a chance to experience what it's actually like without each other.   If, at the end of the year, you realise you are actually better apart, then you'll be able to make all the arrangements with a cooler head, too.

[Banana707]

Thanks for the advice. Trouble is my job. I am the one that earns by far the most and so I cover off the mortgage. If I was to return temporarily we will not have that money coming in.

It also means I cant leave straight away as I have to work at least 4 weeks notice. Its also his 40th birthday in early April and it seems awful to leave before this and leave him on his own.  

At the moment we decided that I will contribute to the mortgage whilst he gets a better job here and so can take the mortgage on his own. We have enough cash savings for him to buy me out. If he can do this then Ill just take my things and we wont have to go through the process of selling everything.

I was thinking of going back to UK but saying that if he changes his mind he can always follow me.

I kind of think for me to give the UK a proper go it needs to be with at least the idea that its permanent and that means getting a job and a place to live. I am also worried that if I say its just a trial and I might be back that its just dragging things out. And also will I really be able to settle in the UK if I am still emotionally tied to him here?

I could move out the house now but seeing as things between us are ok between us it seems to make sense to stay but again am I just prolonging the inevitable. Its just soo nice to still see him.

[Wa7]

I agree that you probably need to give the uk a real try, so then you can have less doubt as to where you want to be ( you may not like it but atleast you know )

No kids is handy but still a big decision.     Best wishes.

[ali]

It sounds like you really need to move to the UK .. I'm not sure about saying it's a trial for a year in respect of your relationship - it's a long time for someone to be in limbo and preventing them moving on with their lives/new relationships.  It may be, that he decides he can't live without you and decides to follow .  Whilst it's amicable why not continue to share your living arrangements.

[Guest]

I guess the advice we're giving is, go. Do it. However, keep an open bridge back to Australia if it doesn't work out. You never know which way life will turn. You may have thought when you first moved out that you would be in Australia for a very long time (maybe not, but I'm just illustrating that we never know how we'll feel in one, ten or twenty plus years time). I personally think yes, you should go - scratch that itch so to speak. You'll never stop thinking of it otherwise and it will probably drive you crazy!

It is probably best to separate finances. If you're paying x and he's paying x you're still in a sort of relationship (monetary speaking). That is something that needs to be ironed out and agreed upon asap.

You sound like a really nice person and you're thinking a lot about your partner in your decision - but remember this is his life too - it suits him to stay in Australia, just as much as it suits you to move. If he moved back would he perhaps feel as unsettled and unhappy as you feel in Australia? Just trying to see things from all angles here, then again, I'm sure you've more than covered it in your mind!

Just go - have fun and become reacquainted  with the UK, I do hope it works out best for you - just try to leave a bridge open if you ever decide to come back. If you don't, well absolutely no harm done if you never cross that bridge again. Four weeks is enough time - don't jump into it. This will give you proper time to think and plan. There's nothing forcing you to go quickly and time is great to really figure out what you want and how to go about it.

As I say, keep the conversation up with your partner, communication is king. All the best.

[Banana707]

Thanks. I think you are all right. My partner won't consider a trial in the UK. He thinks I am being selfish as our lives are better here and they are in terms of weather, job and house but that's not everything.

I know he would hate it in the uk and he thinks that I will hate it to and that I am making a huge mistake which makes me nervous.

Like you said though I need to know.

I am terrified I am making a huge mistake but hopefully a year from now I'll be in the uk and feel settled.

I know it won't be great straight away as ill be missing him and its a big change.

Any tips for the move?

 

[Guest]

Ok look, you have one life to live. If you have the means and the way to change things to be happy, why not! What is the worst that can happen. Seriously. That you don't like it and move back or on to somewhere else. You just don't know, you may absolutely love it! I think your partner is sounding very hurt and just grasping at anything. He too needs to understand from your point of view. If you've pretty much made up your mind that you are going to go, it most likely will be without him. Yes you will miss him, that's how these relationship things work. People miss other family and friends every day when they move, even if it's an hour down the road. By moving to the UK you know you're running a risk of separating for life from your finance, that's ok if that's what you want. I'm not playing that down lightly. It's just something that is likely to happen if you move. You never know, a long distance relationship may work, some do, many don't. I don't want to state the obvious, however, obviously moving to the UK without your partner who you've said won't come doesn't really lead to a harmonious relationship status. By making this move I'm sure you know what this most likely will mean for your relationship, but as I say, if it's what you want, it's what you want.

As I say, what is a 'massive mistake'? If you do this and it doesn't work, you can move on. I think you need to draw up a list, what you're looking for in the UK and what Australia can't give you - just write it down, no matter how minute or silly it might sound. Figure out what you're after first and then just make plans to carry it out.

Once you've decided, just stick to it. Don't go over things in your mind again and again, now that will drive you crazy! Be pragmatic about things once you've made the decision. Wish you the best.

Edited February 5, 2018 by Guest

[Quoll]

Pragmatic things first - have you got citizenship? That ensures you keep all your options open. 

Have you actually asked if he would come with you? Or is he thinking that you’re leaving him and don’t  want him to come because of what he’s said in the past? Many of us have said “I love you but I can’t live here any more” - he may choose that his least worst option is with you in a place he’s not keen on compared with without you in a place he loves.  However, It seems from these boards, blokes appear to adopt the “plenty more fish” attitude compared to women. Bottom line though, you can’t cuddle a country.

A word of caution about returning for family - that doesn’t always work out well. A lot of returnees find that their families are doing just fine without them and they can’t go back to what they had before because the holes left in their families’ lives have healed over in their absence, often with scar tissue!! 

Im not saying don’t go because you do what you have to do - I’ve done it, I’m doing it as we speak but I’m doing it with a DH who did a total about face and is living in UK quite happily with me although he said he would never live here. Neither of us thought 6+ years ago that it would be this long. Both of us are ready to move on but waiting for your dad to pop his clogs at 94 is a tough gig.  Being an only child sucks!

Good luck - it’d be lovely if you could work out a compromise which meets both your needs better because it sounds like both of you are suffering a lot here.

[Guest]

Obviously I mean " fiance" not finance!

[bristolman]

2 hours ago, Banana707 said:

Thanks. I think you are all right. My partner won't consider a trial in the UK. He thinks I am being selfish as our lives are better here and they are in terms of weather, job and house but that's not everything.

I know he would hate it in the uk and he thinks that I will hate it to and that I am making a huge mistake which makes me nervous.

Like you said though I need to know.

I am terrified I am making a huge mistake but hopefully a year from now I'll be in the uk and feel settled.

I know it won't be great straight away as ill be missing him and its a big change.

Any tips for the move?

 

Only you know what is best for YOU, we can give advice but it comes down to what you want in your heart. We made the movd coming up to 6 years ago and it was the total opposite of a massive mistake lol. This is a wonderful country with much to offer. You have one life to live, live it where you want to be. 

[bunbury61]

16 hours ago, Banana707 said:

Hi all

So it's with a heavy heart that I am deciding to leave australia after 10 years.

My partner and I came on a working holiday visa and ended up staying. We have built an amazing life here, great job, big house, lovely dog (no kids) but I've always felt the pull of home and my fiance has said he will never leave.

I know the lifestyle here is better but I've just found it harder and harder to stay when all my family are in uk and parents are getting older.

I've told my partner, he cried but understands and things are being really friendly however inside I'm broken hearted and just want to beg him to come with me.

I am planning to leave in 10 weeks but unsure what to do til then. Stay in the house and be together til it's time to go, Move out now. My partner and dog are the only family I've really had these past ten years.

Any advice?

go for a short holiday ...dont pull the plug ....honestly .....keep your options open .

I have gone home for family .....and it isn't easy i can tell you .

you may kick yourself in a few years time ...

 

 

[bunbury61]

8 hours ago, Quoll said:

Pragmatic things first - have you got citizenship? That ensures you keep all your options open. 

Have you actually asked if he would come with you? Or is he thinking that you’re leaving him and don’t  want him to come because of what he’s said in the past? Many of us have said “I love you but I can’t live here any more” - he may choose that his least worst option is with you in a place he’s not keen on compared with without you in a place he loves.  However, It seems from these boards, blokes appear to adopt the “plenty more fish” attitude compared to women. Bottom line though, you can’t cuddle a country.

A word of caution about returning for family - that doesn’t always work out well. A lot of returnees find that their families are doing just fine without them and they can’t go back to what they had before because the holes left in their families’ lives have healed over in their absence, often with scar tissue!! 

Im not saying don’t go because you do what you have to do - I’ve done it, I’m doing it as we speak but I’m doing it with a DH who did a total about face and is living in UK quite happily with me although he said he would never live here. Neither of us thought 6+ years ago that it would be this long. Both of us are ready to move on but waiting for your dad to pop his clogs at 94 is a tough gig.  Being an only child sucks!

Good luck - it’d be lovely if you could work out a compromise which meets both your needs better because it sounds like both of you are suffering a lot here.

24 years for me quoll ,this year

[bunbury61]

8 hours ago, Banana707 said:

Thanks. I think you are all right. My partner won't consider a trial in the UK. He thinks I am being selfish as our lives are better here and they are in terms of weather, job and house but that's not everything.

I know he would hate it in the uk and he thinks that I will hate it to and that I am making a huge mistake which makes me nervous.

Like you said though I need to know.

I am terrified I am making a huge mistake but hopefully a year from now I'll be in the uk and feel settled.

I know it won't be great straight away as ill be missing him and its a big change.

Any tips for the move?

 

yeah ....holiday first

[bristolman]

24 minutes ago, bunbury61 said:

go for a short holiday ...dont pull the plug ....honestly .....keep your options open .

I have gone home for family .....and it isn't easy i can tell you .

you may kick yourself in a few years time ...

 

 

Or she may be like us and realise we should have made the move earlier. No move is easy but it's been pretty easy for us. I went the short holiday route and it just confirmed what we already knew, that England was where we should be. 

[Quoll]

24 years for me quoll ,this year

That would definitely kill me! I think one more year will be enough for us. We are hoping to find respite for 5 weeks so we can go back for a holiday together.

[ali]

7 hours ago, bristolman said:

Or she may be like us and realise we should have made the move earlier. No move is easy but it's been pretty easy for us. I went the short holiday route and it just confirmed what we already knew, that England was where we should be. 

In fairness you did it as a family unit and were all up for it.  The OP's move could signal the end of her relationship - that's an added dimension to consider.  Whilst I don't think I would ever move back to the UK - as Quoll says my OH would be far more important to me, and if he went back then I'd be with him.

[Marisawright]

22 hours ago, Banana707 said:

 Its also his 40th birthday in early April and it seems awful to leave before this and leave him on his own.  

 

That sentence sounds like something I could've said about my previous partner.   When we split up, I was still fond enough of him to care about his welfare, but not enough to be stuck with him for the rest of my life.  I often said that if I could have wrapped him up and handed him over to a nice woman who'd look after him properly, I would have walked away a lot sooner.  

If it's really over, then you're right - don't drag it out.  I wouldn't even offer the option of following you later, it just gives him hope that you'll weaken and come back.   He will be hurt, but he's going to be hurt no matter when you do it.  It hurts a lot less if you rip the plaster off quickly.

[Toots]

5 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

That sentence sounds like something I could've said about my previous partner.   When we split up, I was still fond enough of him to care about his welfare, but not enough to be stuck with him for the rest of my life.  I often said that if I could have wrapped him up and handed him over to a nice woman who'd look after him properly, I would have walked away a lot sooner.  

If it's really over, then you're right - don't drag it out.  I wouldn't even offer the option of following you later, it just gives him hope that you'll weaken and come back.   He will be hurt, but he's going to be hurt no matter when you do it.  It hurts a lot less if you rip the plaster off quickly.

Never stay with somebody just because you feel sorry for them.  Had a friend who actually did that.  Big mistake.

[Marisawright]

3 minutes ago, Toots said:

Never stay with somebody just because you feel sorry for them.  Had a friend who actually did that.  Big mistake.

You are absolutely right!   I think it happens more often than you think.  A helpless male who's reliant on you, awakens the mothering instinct.

[Antipodista]

@Banana707 what a tough situation for you. I would say though that it is rare that the feelings of homesickness etc go away and you have to go with your gut feeling and do what is best for you. Leaving someone is hard but, as lovely as I am sure your man is, if he refuses to leave Aus for you, even for a trial, then where are his priorities? If he loves a country more than you, even with the best intentions in the world, then I think you must follow your heart and be where you need to be. I would reiterate that this isn’t a criticism of your partner but I am speaking from absolute experience. Go. If it doesn’t work out in the UK, then Australia (and maybe even your hubby) will still be there.

Best of luck. You’ll be ok whatever happens, promise ?

[Drumbeat]

9 minutes ago, Antipodista said:

@Banana707 what a tough situation for you. I would say though that it is rare that the feelings of homesickness etc go away and you have to go with your gut feeling and do what is best for you. Leaving someone is hard but, as lovely as I am sure your man is, if he refuses to leave Aus for you, even for a trial, then where are his priorities? If he loves a country more than you, even with the best intentions in the world, then I think you must follow your heart and be where you need to be. I would reiterate that this isn’t a criticism of your partner but I am speaking from absolute experience. Go. If it doesn’t work out in the UK, then Australia (and maybe even your hubby) will still be there.

Best of luck. You’ll be ok whatever happens, promise ?

But isn't the reverse also true? The OP is leaving him for another country so he probably feels very low in her priorities.

[Antipodista]

@Drumbeat quite, there are no winners here. But the OP has been in Aus for some significant time, and has been feeling the pull of home and been miserable for a long time according to the post, and her partner knows this. If you can emigrate with someone who absolutely shares your passion for the country and never wants to return home that is fantastic and good on you. However in my experience feelings towards the new country can often change for one person (I speak notjust for myself but many expat friends) and so if the other partner isn’t willing to be flexible the homesick partner ends up becoming the sacrificial lamb and staying. The balance of power (for want of a better phrase) is then always off-kilter between the two people and this does not a happy relationship- or healthy mental state - make. So given that her partner has pinned his colours to the mast it is, in my view, better for both of them in the long run to go.

[bunbury61]

14 hours ago, Quoll said:

That would definitely kill me! I think one more year will be enough for us. We are hoping to find respite for 5 weeks so we can go back for a holiday together.

in fairness quoll ,she isn't living with us .

but when her partner ( my dad ) died , do you pack up ,and run to the hills like everyone else ....you cant .

if people saw my mom ,on a documentary on Australia.

they would be saying " look at that poor old bugger on her own , wheres her family , who is taking care of her " .....someone has to be there .

the bottle spun , and it pointed at us ?

we have had some real positive sides about being here .....the travel ,being one .

I don't work that hard now ....but it is like living your life with a rucksack full of rocks ,and one arm tied behind your back ?

the other thing is , when my dad was dying , I was taken into a side room by the cancer consultant , dad had a month , he was dying .

I was in that room ,on my own .....where were my siblings ?

one of them ,didn't even come back for the funeral ....we all used to be very close ....very sad ....ultimately , in their old age , it will be their loss

iam already moving on ?