Clm Posted January 29, 2018 Author Share Posted January 29, 2018 (edited) 28 minutes ago, LKC said: If I'm completely honest, I felt settled to start with, but the longer we were there the more unsettled I felt. I've never been one who has needed lots of friends, and would rather one or two good friends. That said, I never had any trouble in making friends in the UK, and had quite a reasonable circle of friends from school, uni and my working life, plus a few from childbirth classes etc. In Australia I put myself out there, tried to meet people at playgroups, school etc, but I never really made any friends. There were a couple of people who I was closer to (both migrants, funnily enough), but even then our friendships were shallow and I've not heard from them since we moved back to the UK. In my experience in our part of Sydney, people tended to stick to groups of family and friends of family, friends they'd had since school, and church groups. If you weren't in those groups already, you had no chance at all. At the school gates there was lots of bitchiness and two-faced behaviour which I didn't want to be involved in. I got taken advantage of by people (looking after people's children in school holidays if their childcare arrangements fell through, picking kids up to take them to school and dropping them home etc.), but even trying to be kind and helping people out in that way didn't help. Most strikingly, the behaviour kind of filtered down to our kid's friends. My eldest daughter's best friend (of six years) used to come over to play, for sleepovers etc. frequently, but she was only invited to their house maybe three or four times in the six years they were friends. The kids were rarely invited to birthday parties. The kicker for me, was having a visit from some friends from the UK, who were on holiday in Australia and came to stay for a few days. We'd not seen them for something like nine or ten years (just kept in touch via email/Facebook), but the second they arrived it was like we'd seen them yesterday. That made me realise how isolated and lonely I was, and triggered a huge depressive episode which pretty much lasted until we moved back to the UK. We've only been here (Scotland, which isn't where we came from) for a few months, and have already made better friends here than we made in the nine years we were in Sydney. I don't really know why, I've not done anything more to put myself out there than I did in Australia, just done the school run. We have moved to a small village, though (and always lived in villages before), so that may be something to do with it. Perhaps if we'd gone to live in London or another large city our experience would have been different, and more similar to our experiences in Sydney. Edited January 29, 2018 by Clm Don't think my post would be understood Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unzippy Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 5 hours ago, Paul1Perth said: The friends you had back in the UK were probably people you grew up with and shared times, memories, music, experiences in your formative years. Later in life I think it's harder to create those types of friendships. This. I’ve only been here since Nov but have taken up fishing. I like the quiet time and I like eating what I can catch. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobj Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 How long before I felt settled? The instant I landed in Smellbum, 1963. Since then I reckon only 2 years has been spent in cities, the rest of the time has been in small villages; Glen Innes, NSW for21 years, Kununurra and the Kimberley Region, 12 years, The Pilbara, 2 years and now, a village of 200 people on a very busy holiday, for 18 years. And, had an absolutely fabulous time in the 54 years I have lived in this magnificent land. You don't need many friends to make a life complete, happiness and a good partner will see you through. Now, all I do is enjoy my partner's company, my garden and my fishing... So...'Ave a go, ya mugs!! And stop ya bleating and feeling sorry for yourselves. You only have 1 life, LIVE IT! Cheers, Bobj. 6 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bulya Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 12 hours ago, Marisawright said: I felt settled almost at once, but then I was in a country town. It's not an Australian problem though, it's a city by city/town by town thing. I spent a year in Southampton (UK) and really put myself out there - clubs, activities, you name it - and I had exactly the same problem with cliques and not feeling welcome. My sister has the same problem in Aberdeen. Whereas I'm sure there are cities and towns in the UK where I would've been made welcome. As for Australia - I left the country after a year but I'm still friends with some of the people I met then. Whereas I lived for 30 years in Sydney, and though I enjoyed my time and had a wide circle of acquaintances, I never made a "best friend" - and when I left that city, I never heard from any of them again. Now I'm in Melbourne, and I've made more friends in 18 months than I did in all my time in Sydney! And I can sense they're the kind of friends who would keep in touch if I decided to move on. The trouble is, of course, that you can't keep moving from city to city until you find one where you do feel welcome. I moved to several states/territories before I found the right one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bobj Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 9 minutes ago, Bulya said: I moved to several states/territories before I found the right one. You and I, mate; the state of euphoria. Cheers, Bobj. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Some people settle, others never do. I was settled until the 2nd time I went to the UK and I couldn't settle again after that as I knew I belonged elsewhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 9 hours ago, LKC said: If I'm completely honest, I felt settled to start with, but the longer we were there the more unsettled I felt. I've never been one who has needed lots of friends, and would rather one or two good friends. That said, I never had any trouble in making friends in the UK, and had quite a reasonable circle of friends from school, uni and my working life, plus a few from childbirth classes etc. In Australia I put myself out there, tried to meet people at playgroups, school etc, but I never really made any friends. There were a couple of people who I was closer to (both migrants, funnily enough), but even then our friendships were shallow and I've not heard from them since we moved back to the UK. In my experience in our part of Sydney, people tended to stick to groups of family and friends of family, friends they'd had since school, and church groups. If you weren't in those groups already, you had no chance at all. There are large parts of Sydney where that's entirely typical. It's the same in parts of London and I suspect it's the same in many big cities around the world. That's why I was so surprised to find it's different in Melbourne. I'd like to say it's a big city phenomenon and moving to a smaller town is the solution - however I found exactly the same thing in Southampton (UK), people were very anti-outsiders. So it's hard to predict where it happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 11 minutes ago, Marisawright said: There are large parts of Sydney where that's entirely typical. It's the same in parts of London and I suspect it's the same in many big cities around the world. That's why I was so surprised to find it's different in Melbourne. I'd like to say it's a big city phenomenon and moving to a smaller town is the solution - however I found exactly the same thing in Southampton (UK), people were very anti-outsiders. So it's hard to predict where it happens. I've been thinking it's more likely to be location-related. We were in Sutherland Shire in Sydney, and although it was a lovely place to live with great schools etc, it was very insular. People there didn't seem to be very well travelled or accepting of outsiders. We tried so hard to fit in and live as Australians (hence why we moved to a more Aussie area rather than one with lots of migrants), but we were totally kept at arms length. I did worry that we'd not be accepted here in Scotland, being English and having moved to a small village, but in actual fact it has been great. People are very friendly and we've already started to make some friends. We're moving into our own house in a couple of weeks. It is on a small development of houses on a farm, and I'm hoping that there will be a real sense of community spirit up there. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicF Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 I feel settled pretty much anywhere once I'm unpacked. My OH didn't feel settled here in Australia until we moved in to our own house and he is from Adelaide. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 10 hours ago, LKC said: If I'm completely honest, I felt settled to start with, but the longer we were there the more unsettled I felt. I've never been one who has needed lots of friends, and would rather one or two good friends. That said, I never had any trouble in making friends in the UK, and had quite a reasonable circle of friends from school, uni and my working life, plus a few from childbirth classes etc. In Australia I put myself out there, tried to meet people at playgroups, school etc, but I never really made any friends. There were a couple of people who I was closer to (both migrants, funnily enough), but even then our friendships were shallow and I've not heard from them since we moved back to the UK. In my experience in our part of Sydney, people tended to stick to groups of family and friends of family, friends they'd had since school, and church groups. If you weren't in those groups already, you had no chance at all. At the school gates there was lots of bitchiness and two-faced behaviour which I didn't want to be involved in. I got taken advantage of by people (looking after people's children in school holidays if their childcare arrangements fell through, picking kids up to take them to school and dropping them home etc.), but even trying to be kind and helping people out in that way didn't help. Most strikingly, the behaviour kind of filtered down to our kid's friends. My eldest daughter's best friend (of six years) used to come over to play, for sleepovers etc. frequently, but she was only invited to their house maybe three or four times in the six years they were friends. The kids were rarely invited to birthday parties. The kicker for me, was having a visit from some friends from the UK, who were on holiday in Australia and came to stay for a few days. We'd not seen them for something like nine or ten years (just kept in touch via email/Facebook), but the second they arrived it was like we'd seen them yesterday. That made me realise how isolated and lonely I was, and triggered a huge depressive episode which pretty much lasted until we moved back to the UK. We've only been here (Scotland, which isn't where we came from) for a few months, and have already made better friends here than we made in the nine years we were in Sydney. I don't really know why, I've not done anything more to put myself out there than I did in Australia, just done the school run. We have moved to a small village, though (and always lived in villages before), so that may be something to do with it. Perhaps if we'd gone to live in London or another large city our experience would have been different, and more similar to our experiences in Sydney. My best friends in Scotland all live in or near small villages and those small communities are usually very friendly. Whenever I was back visiting Mum with my two boys when they were young the local lads took them under their wing and we hardly saw them. They were out playing football in all weather and went to the youth club in the village hall most evenings. I didn't make a single friend the year I worked in London but I met my husband there so wasn't that bothered. When we moved to the Liverpool area the people there were lovely and making friends there was easy. As far as children's birthday parties in Australia went, I grew to dread them. My two seemed to be invited to one every second weekend. The stress of finding reasonably priced decent gifts was a bit of a joke. Sleepovers .................. eek - half a dozen noisy, boisterous little boys who seemed to suffer from insomnia and were unable to pee accurately into the loo - glad those days are long gone. Also I never had anything to do with the school gate crowd. The thought of all that made me shudder. My two went to before school care and my OH picked them up most days as he finished work before I did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 3 minutes ago, Toots said: My best friends in Scotland all live in or near small villages and those small communities are usually very friendly. Whenever I was back visiting Mum with my two boys when they were young the local lads took them under their wing and we hardly saw them. They were out playing football in all weather and went to the youth club in the village hall most evenings. I didn't make a single friend the year I worked in London but I met my husband there so wasn't that bothered. When we moved to the Liverpool area the people there were lovely and making friends there was easy. As far as children's birthday parties in Australia went, I grew to dread them. My two seemed to be invited to one every second weekend. The stress of finding reasonably priced decent gifts was a bit of a joke. Sleepovers .................. eek - half a dozen noisy, boisterous little boys who seemed to suffer from insomnia and were unable to pee accurately into the loo - glad those days are long gone. Also I never had anything to do with the school gate crowd. The thought of all that made me shudder. My two went to before school care and my OH picked them up most days as he finished work before I did. To be honest Toots, people have been so friendly that I had a little bit of culture shock when we first arrived! I felt a bit overwhelmed to start with, and it did take me a few weeks to get used to it! The new house is on a small development of six houses, in the middle of a farm. There are a few other kids already living up there that the kids know from school (it is a very small school, so they know everyone), and I'm hoping they'll be out and about as a group. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted January 29, 2018 Share Posted January 29, 2018 Just now, LKC said: To be honest Toots, people have been so friendly that I had a little bit of culture shock when we first arrived! I felt a bit overwhelmed to start with, and it did take me a few weeks to get used to it! The new house is on a small development of six houses, in the middle of a farm. There are a few other kids already living up there that the kids know from school (it is a very small school, so they know everyone), and I'm hoping they'll be out and about as a group. Sounds idyllic! Next thing your girls will be asking for a pony. So glad things are working out so well for you in Scotland. If you are ever in Kirkcudbrightshire (south west Scotland) say hello to the lovely place from me. That's my home town area. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted January 31, 2018 Share Posted January 31, 2018 On 29/01/2018 at 22:20, LKC said: I've been thinking it's more likely to be location-related. We were in Sutherland Shire in Sydney, and although it was a lovely place to live with great schools etc, it was very insular. People there didn't seem to be very well travelled or accepting of outsiders. We tried so hard to fit in and live as Australians (hence why we moved to a more Aussie area rather than one with lots of migrants), but we were totally kept at arms length. I did worry that we'd not be accepted here in Scotland, being English and having moved to a small village, but in actual fact it has been great. People are very friendly and we've already started to make some friends. We're moving into our own house in a couple of weeks. It is on a small development of houses on a farm, and I'm hoping that there will be a real sense of community spirit up there. We completely fell on our feet when we moved to this village, the people are so friendly and welcoming and we never felt like outsiders at all. In Brisbane people always seemed to be a little at arms length. We met some nice people through motorbikes though Others dont have to agree, that's of no concern but I find people much more genuine and down to earth here. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 (edited) 14 hours ago, bristolman said: We completely fell on our feet when we moved to this village, the people are so friendly and welcoming and we never felt like outsiders at all. In Brisbane people always seemed to be a little at arms length....Others dont have to agree, that's of no concern but I find people much more genuine and down to earth here. You're absolutely right, people are much more genuine and down to earth IN YOUR VILLAGE than they were IN BRISBANE. Whereas I've found people much more genuine and down to earth IN MELBOURNE than they were in SOUTHAMPTON. And we're BOTH right. It's totally about the city, town or village where you end up, regardless of country. Some cities, towns and villages in Australia are friendly, some are more clique-y and stand-offish. Some cities, towns and villages in the UK are friendly, some are more clique-y and stand-offish. The same thing would be true of France, Italy, whichever country you care to name. It doesn't have to be about one country being better than the other. Edited February 1, 2018 by Marisawright 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 4 minutes ago, Marisawright said: You're absolutely right, people are much more genuine and down to earth IN YOUR VILLAGE than they were IN BRISBANE. Whereas I've found people much more genuine and down to earth IN MELBOURNE than they were in SOUTHAMPTON. And we're BOTH right. It's totally about the city, town or village where you end up, regardless of country. Some cities, towns and villages in Australia are friendly, some are more clique-y and stand-offish. Some cities, towns and villages in the UK are friendly, some are more clique-y and stand-offish. The same thing would be true of France, Italy, whichever country you care to name. It doesn't have to be about one country being better than the other. It seems to be all about that on this forum at times. Probably human nature though. The most boring place I ever lived with the unfriendliest people was Switzerland but maybe that was just me. Perhaps other people find it friendly and interesting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaptainR Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 We also felt very settled in Australia straight away, probably more so than anywhere we've lived and we have lived in quite a few different countries. But then as we moved around when I was younger and my parents had lived overseas before moving back to the UK we never had the 'best friend from school and bestie for life' kind of thing that many people have. We also I guess aren't quite as reliant on family as many people are and probably quite selfishly focus on the 4 of us and make the best for our kids. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted February 1, 2018 Share Posted February 1, 2018 9 hours ago, Marisawright said: You're absolutely right, people are much more genuine and down to earth IN YOUR VILLAGE than they were IN BRISBANE. Whereas I've found people much more genuine and down to earth IN MELBOURNE than they were in SOUTHAMPTON. And we're BOTH right. It's totally about the city, town or village where you end up, regardless of country. Some cities, towns and villages in Australia are friendly, some are more clique-y and stand-offish. Some cities, towns and villages in the UK are friendly, some are more clique-y and stand-offish. The same thing would be true of France, Italy, whichever country you care to name. It doesn't have to be about one country being better than the other. Well I was speaking generally in the UK, it's MY opinion and it's what I am finding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 On 2/2/2018 at 00:47, bristolman said: Well I was speaking generally in the UK, it's MY opinion and it's what I am finding. So you're saying you're right and I'm wrong and all Australians are unfriendly stand-offish etc? Or are you agreeing with me that there are friendly and unfriendly people all over the world, depending on where you live? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 1 hour ago, Marisawright said: So you're saying you're right and I'm wrong and all Australians are unfriendly stand-offish etc? Or are you agreeing with me that there are friendly and unfriendly people all over the world, depending on where you live? It's daft to think Australia is any more unfriendly than the UK. There are unfriendly people in both countries. Of course if you aren't happy living in the one country or the other it's human nature to find every negative aspect of the country you can think of. I don't even think it "depends where you live" either. No matter which part of a country you live in, there are always people who are outgoing and friendly and others who keep themselves to themselves. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skani Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 On 1/31/2018 at 23:52, bristolman said: We completely fell on our feet when we moved to this village, the people are so friendly and welcoming and we never felt like outsiders at all. In Brisbane people always seemed to be a little at arms length. Well of course. The personal dynamics of a village and a city are completely different: they can't be compared at all. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marisawright Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Toots said: It's daft to think Australia is any more unfriendly than the UK. There are unfriendly people in both countries. Of course if you aren't happy living in the one country or the other it's human nature to find every negative aspect of the country you can think of. I don't even think it "depends where you live" either. No matter which part of a country you live in, there are always people who are outgoing and friendly and others who keep themselves to themselves. I agree 100%, there are friendly and unfriendly people in every country. However I do think it depends where you live, to some extent. For instance, I think it's a fairly well-established phenomenon that the more crowded-together people are, the more likely they are to protect their privacy - and one way to do that is to "keep themselves to themselves". Edited February 4, 2018 by Marisawright Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bulya Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 People in a village more friendly than ‘Brisbane’. Geez that’s a surprise.....not! 4 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandgroper Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 43 minutes ago, Bulya said: People in a village more friendly than ‘Brisbane’. Geez that’s a surprise.....not! Amazing really when you think about it 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unzippy Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 2 hours ago, Marisawright said: So you're saying you're right and I'm wrong and all Australians are unfriendly stand-offish etc? Or are you agreeing with me that there are friendly and unfriendly people all over the world, depending on where you live? I'll give you a clue. It doesn't really matter 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bristolman Posted February 4, 2018 Share Posted February 4, 2018 6 hours ago, unzippy said: I'll give you a clue. It doesn't really matter Yep, you got it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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