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Tricky

Dilemma whether to stay or go

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4 hours ago, Englishwifeinoz said:

I’m in a situation where I’m struggling to ‘fit’ too. I’ve been here over six months and have made no friends, been sacked once after thirteen days because I didn’t ‘fit’, been bullied out of my most recent job and now im jobless and getting in to debt with no one to turn to and none of my own family - only my Australian husbands who we don’t see often.

All I can think is that moving here has been the biggest mistake of my life and that I want to go back home to England - a decision my mum supports but my dad does not. Thing is I didn’t leave England to get away - I left for my husband who was depressed in England and never really settled there (or tried to) - I actually loved the life I had built there after returning and I loved my job and the area I lived in.

My husband has said that if I return to the UK it will be alone and we will have to seperate as he refuses to move back there so now I feel blackmailed in to staying in Australia for the sake of my marriage and trapped in this awful bogan town full of bad experiences so far. I wish we could move to another area but we have no money and no one we can stay with elsewhere whilst we get on our feet. 

I just hate it here. It’s mad, I adored it last time I was here on a working holiday visa - I lived in a great house share and had a life and job I loved and spoke to my family back home all the time but this time I feel like I have failed and barely contact my family as I hate bringing them down with my depressing state of affairs.And I lost friends over moving here because they didn’t agree with me leaving etc. Its just so isolating and there doesn’t really seem to be a viable solution and I find fitting in so hard here - there’s such a small town cliquey vibe here and a real dislike for immigrants. 

I have told myself and my lovely mum that I’m going to try to give it another six months and then seriously consider returning home to England. I’m going to really try and see if there is a life to enjoy here.

Sorry if this has come across as attention seeky - I just needed to get it off my chest to people that have been in a similar situation and to get advice for settling in here and ‘fitting in’.

Lucy xxx

(((Hugs))) to you.  First, you’re not Robinson Crusoe, many (especially but not exclusively) women have found themselves in the situation you are now. First thing I would usually suggest is Marriage Guidance - if your bogan town has one! Then you need to look at a list of compromises you might be prepared to make and see if there is any way you and your DH can come to an agreement which would make life more liveable for you.  Prioritise the order that you want things to happen 

Bottom line though - is this the bloke you want to have kids with (you don’t mention kids) and grow old beside? If he is then you’re screwed and your next best course of action is to see your GP and see if you can get a mental health plan with a CBT or ACT Therapist.  They won’t solve the problem but they will give you some strategies to help you get up every day and soldier on.  Some of us lived empty lives behind a mask of complaisance for a long time before the situation changed.

How to fit in to a place that is contrary to everything you believe and hold dear - sacrifice yourself basically. There must be one skerrick of the situation where there are things that you enjoy doing and there may be a cohort you’d enjoy doing it with - I find knitters are amongst the most amenable of companions! Is there no way to reconnect with the job/people from when you were there before?

Good Luck!

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4 hours ago, Englishwifeinoz said:

I’m in a situation where I’m struggling to ‘fit’ too. I’ve been here over six months and have made no friends, been sacked once after thirteen days because I didn’t ‘fit’, been bullied out of my most recent job and now im jobless and getting in to debt with no one to turn to and none of my own family - only my Australian husbands who we don’t see often.

All I can think is that moving here has been the biggest mistake of my life and that I want to go back home to England - a decision my mum supports but my dad does not. Thing is I didn’t leave England to get away - I left for my husband who was depressed in England and never really settled there (or tried to) - I actually loved the life I had built there after returning and I loved my job and the area I lived in.

My husband has said that if I return to the UK it will be alone and we will have to seperate as he refuses to move back there so now I feel blackmailed in to staying in Australia for the sake of my marriage and trapped in this awful bogan town full of bad experiences so far. I wish we could move to another area but we have no money and no one we can stay with elsewhere whilst we get on our feet. 

I just hate it here. It’s mad, I adored it last time I was here on a working holiday visa - I lived in a great house share and had a life and job I loved and spoke to my family back home all the time but this time I feel like I have failed and barely contact my family as I hate bringing them down with my depressing state of affairs.And I lost friends over moving here because they didn’t agree with me leaving etc. Its just so isolating and there doesn’t really seem to be a viable solution and I find fitting in so hard here - there’s such a small town cliquey vibe here and a real dislike for immigrants. 

I have told myself and my lovely mum that I’m going to try to give it another six months and then seriously consider returning home to England. I’m going to really try and see if there is a life to enjoy here.

Sorry if this has come across as attention seeky - I just needed to get it off my chest to people that have been in a similar situation and to get advice for settling in here and ‘fitting in’.

Lucy xxx

Quoll has some good suggestions and points in her reply. 

I don't think you can ever recreate what you had on a WHV. Nor should you expect or try to. Or expect that it will be anything like it was back then. The harsh reality is that it was its time and place. You had a blast, probably house shared with others doing similar or people without any real strong ties or too many serious commitments and could please yourself pretty much. Returning some years later and also now married, it was never going to be as it was.

I think there was also a probable mistake to moving to a, as you describe it, bogan town. Did you move there because its where your husband is from or because its where he could get work? If its the former, then o dear, if its the latter, is there a chance your husband would consider relocating somewhere that is better suited for both of you? Honestly, I'd never go live in an Aus town or small place unless it was within easy commute of one of the big cities. So I could get my fix of city life, people, arts, work etc. Even then I'd be very picky about where exactly we settled. Very picky. My future happiness, our future happiness would depend on us getting it right in where we live. 

Honestly, if your life is going to be existing in a small town with narrow minded people who don't want to even begin to get to know you I'd say cut your losses sooner rather than later and find someplace that does make you happy and does welcome you and give you the things you need to feel content in life's bigger picture way. I don't know I could sacrifice or compromise myself in the long term because of being married to someone who doesn't even want to attempt to try to find a compromise. Or who says the marriage is over if I want to leave to return to the UK. Honestly, I wish I could be more positive. I'm struggling to see reasons for you to stick it out tbh. Once emotional blackmail or playing on emotions in such a way is put out there, I'm one for heading for the door as I think a relationship is pretty doomed in the long term if that sort of thing is held over one person by the other to make them stay.

Marriage to someone from a different country is always going to be a give and take on both sides, ebb and flow. Doors should not be slammed shut by one on the other, especially if their mental wellbeing and happiness are at stake. That your husband didn't like living in the UK (and you say didn't really try either) is probably going to mean he'll never go back there now but honestly, if he didn't like it there where you were living there, and you don't like it in Aus where you are living as a couple now, I don't see much hope its going to end well for you both in terms of it all working out marriage wise. Unless he is prepared to meet you somewhere in the middle and you find a place in Aus you can both be happy living in for the longer term. If he won't, as Quoll said, don't be considering starting a family with him as if you do, you'll most likely have to remain in Aus long term as the Aus courts favour children remaining in Aus, (thats if the father refuses permission for them to leave with you and you seek leave to remove via the courts). 

I don't have advice for settling in or sticking it out as I've never been in that position since moving here. Its a shame you are in a place that isn't helping you settle and it making you unhappy. I hope you can talk to your husband, see if he is prepared to move elsewhere that has better opportunities for you both, that suits you both better and agrees to try to save some money to help make that a goal you can both achieve. And that you can hopefully put a time frame on it so you have some light at the end of the tunnel. If he can't or won't agree to that sort of compromise, or if he knocks it back totally, I'd be questioning sticking it out another 6 months tbh. 

 

 

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Just one other point, which cannot be said enough YOU HAVE NOT FAILED!!!!!  Do not ever label yourself as a failure for finding that you dont like or fit in with what you see around you.  Look after yourself (nobody else is going to do that for you!)  I agree with Snifter's last sentence here!

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6 hours ago, Englishwifeinoz said:

I’m in a situation where I’m struggling to ‘fit’ too. I’ve been here over six months and have made no friends, been sacked once after thirteen days because I didn’t ‘fit’, been bullied out of my most recent job and now im jobless and getting in to debt with no one to turn to and none of my own family - only my Australian husbands who we don’t see often.

All I can think is that moving here has been the biggest mistake of my life and that I want to go back home to England - a decision my mum supports but my dad does not. Thing is I didn’t leave England to get away - I left for my husband who was depressed in England and never really settled there (or tried to) - I actually loved the life I had built there after returning and I loved my job and the area I lived in.

My husband has said that if I return to the UK it will be alone and we will have to seperate as he refuses to move back there so now I feel blackmailed in to staying in Australia for the sake of my marriage and trapped in this awful bogan town

I'm sure you can think of towns and cities in the UK that are lovely, and also some you wouldn't live in because they're full of chavs!    Australia is the same - so Australia hasn't changed while you were away, it's the town you've landed in that's the problem.

The obvious compromise is to say to your husband that you're willing to give it a go for another six months to a year, provided you move to a more civilised part of the country.  

If he says no, then he's a selfish pr!ck.  Sorry, but there's no other way to say it, really.  You have to ask yourself, is it worth sacrificing your happiness for a man who puts his love for his home town before his love for you?  Do you love him so much that you're prepared to always be second-best?

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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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