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Marisawright

Been to the UK and now I'm back

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Just posting to say I'm back, though maybe only now and then.  I took a long break from the forums after we got back to Oz from our (abortive) move to the UK.  Then just yesterday, I had an email from a PomsinOz member.   

Though I now have no intention of moving back to the UK, I realise that maybe my experience could be useful to others (and there are some great people on this forum).  

For one thing, I understand why people ping-pong now.  Having been back for 18 months, I'd completely forgotten how miserable I was in Southampton (on our abortive move back, which lasted precisely a year).  We're in Melbourne now, but my OH would still rather be in the UK and pointedly watches Escape to the Country and every other British program going.  It makes me feel so guilty that I've offered to try again if he really wants to go back. I've almost convinced myself that I didn't try hard enough to settle, that I would've been fine if I'd given it another year, that I was exaggerating,  etc etc

But that email reawakened the feelings that I had back in So'ton.  I was so desperately unhappy that a few times, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought about jumping off the balcony.  I wasn't even close to actually doing it, but the fact the thought crossed my mind scared me.  I had never had thoughts like that in all my 60+ years before, ever.  And yet, amazingly, I've managed to close all those memories off to the point where I'd be ready to go back if my oh wanted to.   

I suppose it's human nature to close off our bad memories, who wants to remember being unhappy?   But it is dangerous if you're trying to make decisions!

The other thing I've learned is that you just can't explain why you feel at home in one place and not in another.  I am SO glad to be back in Australia, I just feel at home here, even though I wasn't born here.  

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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2 minutes ago, Marisawright said:

Just posting to say I'm back, though maybe only now and then.  I took a long break from the forums after we got back to Oz from our (abortive) move to the UK.  Then just yesterday, I had an email from a PomsinOz member.   

Though I now have no intention of moving back to the UK, I realise that maybe my experience could be useful to others (and there are some great people on this forum).  

For one thing, I understand why people ping-pong now.  Having been in Melbourne for 18 months, I'd completely forgotten how miserable I was in Southampton (on our abortive move back, which lasted precisely a year).  We're in Melbourne now, but my OH would still rather be in the UK and pointedly watches Escape to the Country and every other British program going.  It makes me feel so guilty that I've offered to try again if he really wants to go back. I've almost convinced myself that I didn't try hard enough to settle, that I would've been fine if I'd given it another year, that I was exaggerating,  etc etc

But that email reawakened the feelings that I had back in So'ton.  I was so desperately unhappy that a few times, I woke up in the middle of the night and thought about jumping off the balcony.  I wasn't even close to actually doing it, but the fact the thought crossed my mind scared me.  I had never had thoughts like that in all my 60+ years before, ever.  And yet, amazingly, I've managed to close all those memories off to the point where I'd be ready to go back if my oh wanted to.   

I suppose it's human nature to close off our bad memories, who wants to remember being unhappy?   But it is dangerous if you're trying to make decisions!

The other thing I've learned is that you just can't explain why you feel at home in one place and not in another.  I am SO glad to be back in Australia, I just feel at home here, even though I wasn't born here.  

Good to know you are settled but sounds like your husband isn't.  :/  

I wonder if you had gone to live in Bristol or anywhere rather than Southampton whether you would have enjoyed your UK experience a lot more.

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14 minutes ago, Toots said:

Good to know you are settled but sounds like your husband isn't.  :/  

I wonder if you had gone to live in Bristol or anywhere rather than Southampton whether you would have enjoyed your UK experience a lot more.

I wonder the same thing.  In fact, I made a deal with my OH in the October, that if he could find a place in Bristol or Bournemouth before July, then we'd stay.  Otherwise I was going back to Australia with or without him.  I don't think he believed me because he did bugger-all about it, so that was that.  He can't say I didn't give him a chance!  

So yes, I might've been OK in another city. However, I feel SO at home in Melbourne, I'm not convinced I would've ever felt quite the same there.

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Welcome back!  I've missed your rational contributions.  :biggrin:   I had hoped you hadn't fallen ill...or left us for good.  

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It's great that you feel at home.  I feel sorry for your husband though.

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2 hours ago, Marisawright said:

I wonder the same thing.  In fact, I made a deal with my OH in the October, that if he could find a place in Bristol or Bournemouth before July, then we'd stay.  Otherwise I was going back to Australia with or without him.  I don't think he believed me because he did bugger-all about it, so that was that.  He can't say I didn't give him a chance!  

So yes, I might've been OK in another city. However, I feel SO at home in Melbourne, I'm not convinced I would've ever felt quite the same there.

I’m in Melbourne now too and feel so comfortable here - I know what you mean about feeling at home here (and I’ve only been here since the end of Nov, although have had long stays here before). I never expected to feel so comfortable here, but it has everything I like - nice, but not too hot weather so I can walk, friendly people, plenty of cultural things going on, good public transport (although I don’t have to travel at peak times...), close to hills, countryside, wineries, calm beaches (I don’t do surf)... The traffic is bonkers and there are too many traffic lights, but those are minor annoyances really.

Im lucky because I feel at home in parts of the UK too, which is just as well because I’m going backwards and forwards for the foreseeable future! I’d agree with Toots though - I think you may well find it easier to settle in another part too. I’ve only ever visited Southampton and would never in a million years agree to live there (apologies to those who like it there). It was crowded, dirty, difficult to get around and took hours to leave! There are some truly lovely parts of the UK if you REALLY have to try again for your OH and It might be worth exploring a bit more.  I have to say though, watching Escape to the Country is about as realistic as Wanted Down Under, so your OH may well be living in a fantasy world in terms of the lifestyle he could have there, but I do understand his need to watch them for his ‘fix’.

I feel for you - it’s so difficult when one half of a couple doesn’t feel settled and life feels like one long compromise. 

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Welcome back to the forum Marisa, it is good to see your name back on the board.

Glad you are now happy and i think it's lovely that you have said you would try again if hubby really wanted too., your not the first ping pong pom and i doubt you will be the last, lots of luck with your future.

Cal x

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If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place...

If you get a chance,take it, If it changes your life,let it. Nobody said it would be easy they just said it would be worth it...

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Welcome back Marisa, good to see you!

I'm inclined to think that Southampton probably wasnt the best of options (can recommend East Anglia especially weatherwise if you are looking again - short train ride to London, quite a lot going on especially here in Cambridge but it is expensive although we have quite a bit of new building going on).

I know I will join you as a ping pommer.  As the responsibilities of being a hands on 24/7 carer for my dad impose upon us there are even days when I look forward to returning to Australia.  However, we wouldn't have lived in UK at all if my olds hadnt needed the care and I would have missed 6+ glorious years as DH was "never going to live in England again".  I'm not a "settle down" kinda gal though I think and I enjoy the next adventure too much.  

Good luck with whatever leap you make!

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Welcome back Marisa, it's good to hear from you again - sorry your hubby isn't as settled as you are though.  

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I just want PIO to be a happy place where people are nice to each other and unicorns poop rainbows

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4 hours ago, simmo said:

It's great that you feel at home.  I feel sorry for your husband though.

I wouldn't feel too sorry for him.  Firstly, he's Australian not a Pom - it's not like I dragged him away from his homeland.  He liked the UK because he has a sun allergy and that obviously wasn't an issue in the UK.  His other reason for liking it was because he loved being able to travel to Europe, not because he has any special affection for England.   When I'm feeling charitable, I feel guilty about dragging him back.  When I'm feeling uncharitable, I remember that if we had stayed, we wouldn't have been able to sustain that level of European travel every year on our limited budget, so he probably wouildn't have liked it as much as he thought. 

Edited by Marisawright
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Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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