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Guest The Ropey HOFF

The all new Joke Thread! ? ?

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Guest Guest66881

@Gareth666 and i will still drink it:wink:

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I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.

 

They were called "Bomb Jovi". They were brilliant. Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down.

 

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.

 

I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"

 

Well that was when the trouble started.

 

 

...Those barstewards have no sense of humour!!

 

Cheers,

Bobj.

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A Miracle!

 

According to the Bible, Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Palestine. A country where people are called Mohammed, Abdul, Mounir, Aziz, Ahmed, Farid, Omar, Youssouf, Mouloud, etc.

 

 

 

And he managed to find 12 friends called John, Peter, Paul, Phillip, Mark, Thomas, Luke, Mathew, Andrew and Simon ...... who all drank wine!!

 

 

 

Now that's what I call a miracle!!!

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

 

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

 

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

 

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

 

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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For those of us who remember milk in glass bottles, delivered

to the door. Here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles...

 

 

 

 

 

Dear milkman:

I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

 

Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

 

Cancel one pint after the day after today.

 

Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

 

Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.

 

Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

 

Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole.

 

Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

 

Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round.

 

When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

 

Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?

 

My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?

 

Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

 

Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

 

Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

 

From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk.

 

My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.

 

Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.

 

milkman please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

 

No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.

 

 

 

 

Cheers, Bobj.

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Guest Guest66881

[ATTACH=CONFIG]25586[/ATTACH]:wink:

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Guest Guest66881

[ATTACH=CONFIG]25587[/ATTACH]:eek:

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Guest Guest66881

[ATTACH=CONFIG]25588[/ATTACH]:wink:

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Guest Guest66881

[ATTACH=CONFIG]25589[/ATTACH]:cute:

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Guest Guest66881

[ATTACH=CONFIG]25590[/ATTACH]:wink:

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Guest Guest66881

[ATTACH=CONFIG]25591[/ATTACH]:cool:

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Guest Guest66881

[ATTACH=CONFIG]25660[/ATTACH]:laugh:

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Guest Guest66881

knock knock

 

 

fix the bell

 

 

fix the bell who

 

:err:

Edited by Guest66881

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A Welsh athlete has been disqualified from the Commonwealth Games after testing positive for baaaabiturates?


Life is about dreams, so believe, and make the dreams a reality.

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Guest Guest66881

[ATTACH]25695[/ATTACH]:laugh:

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