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Guest The Ropey HOFF

The all new Joke Thread! ? ?

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If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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The Label on my body wash said use liberally.. So I stood In the shower screaming about Russians and calling everyone a racist...

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Sensitive Aussie Blokes... 

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' 
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'
'Coot's wife gave it to me, Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door,  I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow.

"She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' 

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are...'

Aussie males are good at that sensitive stuff.

Cheers, Bobj.

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2 hours ago, the bottler said:

any flooding your way Bobj ? ... 

Very little, bottle, my garden is about 2” underwater.. Anyway, the sun is shining, first time we have seen the sun for three weeks!

Cheers, Bobj.

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English....a beautiful language???


Extracts from letters written by council tenants in the U K :


1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

Cheers, Bobj.

 

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