Freaking out!

[Novembernorain]

So I have posted a while ago about us thinking about moving back. We have made up our mind and decided to go for it. We really thought about it long and hard and were both 100% in the UK camp for about a month. So yesterday we told the in laws, my husband told his work and I told my mum, who's in Germany, that we will be "close by" again. We have been excited about the prospect, but somehow we are both having a little freak out! What if it's the wrong decision. We have already made the move twice. I am worried sick about telling my 4 year old. How did everyone handle this? It's such a delicate age; big emotions and tantrums and separation anxiety. She's a good kid and I know she'll love it, but I just really want to make it fun for her and as little stressful (haaaaa!) as possible. I don't even know if I should tell her that we are "moving". Maybe just say we are going on a long holiday? I know she will be so sad do move away from grandparents and cousins. I was hoping to be happy about this, and I am in a way, but also stressed out and therefore not as excited as I want to be. Positive experiences and encouragement from all you guys much appreciated!!!!

[Guest263228]

You are worried about how a four year old will handle the news of a UK return? Really? The child doesn't have much to say in the decision making I'd have thought. It is hardly an age to discuss pro and con's. Say what ever is needed to get over any tantrum. The child will eventually get over it.

[Paul1Perth]

I think the 4 year old should be the least of your worries. She's 4 and will just see it as another adventure.

[Novembernorain]

Ok, now you have made me really silly for worrying about it. Maybe I worry too much? I tend to do that. I suppose a large part of our decision making has to do with where we think is best for the kids. Maybe that's where it comes from. I'm sure they will be fine eventually, I guess I just don't want to feel guilty about taking her away from the things she loves. So I want to make it as smooth as possible. That's all!!! Is that so abnormal?

Edited November 20, 2017 by Novembernorain

[Guest]

 

I tend to agree with the above. I don't think your 4 year old will really find it that bad or upsetting. Kids tend to be pretty resilient and at that age don't really have awareness past the end of the week, let along a long term move or 'long holiday'. Kids tend to live in the here and now and don't generally overthink things in the way adults might. You are probably overthinking it for her and making more of it than you need to. 

If however your child is one who does struggle with separation anxiety then you can address this as it comes up. I am sure if you experience it in day to day life with your eldest then chances are you'll have some coping mechanisms for her and a good idea of the sort of things to do to help overcome it.

My son was 5 when we moved from UK to Aus and took it all in his stride, was excited and nervous and we made sure to be open with our feelings so if he wanted to talk he could. We didn't try to dress up the move as something else. Lying to kids about such a big thing isn't really a great idea IMHO. We were honest, kept it simple and moved forward. He didn't sit and sob that he was missing grandparents or anything else for that matter. It was a big adventure and he just enjoyed it as it happened. Yes we had to start school and a few other things but at that age kids keep it pretty simple. The telling him part was pretty easy tbh. No dramas, no tears, again, kept it simple as Aus Daddy, English mummy and he knew there was another country we had ties to etc. We looked at the things we would be doing, the places we could see etc and it was all good. Focus on the positives, don't let sadness if there is some become a 'thing' in the run up to the move. 

I'd take a deep breath, sit down and perhaps make a list of things you'd like to say to your daughter, compose yourself a little and have it in your head where you'd like to go with it all and put it out there at the right time or place. And be prepared for questions and other things but don't make promises you can't or won't keep or lie about things. Honesty is the way forward in my book. 

 

 

 

 

[Novembernorain]

22 minutes ago, snifter said:

 

I tend to agree with the above. I don't think your 4 year old will really find it that bad or upsetting. Kids tend to be pretty resilient and at that age don't really have awareness past the end of the week, let along a long term move or 'long holiday'. Kids tend to live in the here and now and don't generally overthink things in the way adults might. You are probably overthinking it for her and making more of it than you need to. 

If however your child is one who does struggle with separation anxiety then you can address this as it comes up. I am sure if you experience it in day to day life with your eldest then chances are you'll have some coping mechanisms for her and a good idea of the sort of things to do to help overcome it.

My son was 5 when we moved from UK to Aus and took it all in his stride, was excited and nervous and we made sure to be open with our feelings so if he wanted to talk he could. We didn't try to dress up the move as something else. Lying to kids about such a big thing isn't really a great idea IMHO. We were honest, kept it simple and moved forward. He didn't sit and sob that he was missing grandparents or anything else for that matter. It was a big adventure and he just enjoyed it as it happened. Yes we had to start school and a few other things but at that age kids keep it pretty simple. The telling him part was pretty easy tbh. No dramas, no tears, again, kept it simple as Aus Daddy, English mummy and he knew there was another country we had ties to etc. We looked at the things we would be doing, the places we could see etc and it was all good. Focus on the positives, don't let sadness if there is some become a 'thing' in the run up to the move. 

I'd take a deep breath, sit down and perhaps make a list of things you'd like to say to your daughter, compose yourself a little and have it in your head where you'd like to go with it all and put it out there at the right time or place. And be prepared for questions and other things but don't make promises you can't or won't keep or lie about things. Honesty is the way forward in my book. 

 

 

 

 

Hey @snifter - thank you so much for the encouragement! You're right. Making it all positive and fun is the main thing. I guess I'm just generally nervous about it all. We might tell her today.

great to hear your move went smoothly. Plenty of fun and exciting things to do in Aus!

[Guest]

Remember, if you are calm and happy about the move, that will hopefully have the same effect on your kids too. If you are stressed, worrying and all that, they'll pick up on it. 

I've read your other posts. I think you do need to get your head round it all a bit more. Break it down into more manageable pieces IYKWIM. Yes there is a big picture in the longer term, but for your kids they don't care about that. They care about having their parents there, a few familiar toys, their bedtime routine, certain foods, those sorts of thing. So focus on the smaller things for them a little. I'm sure you'll find your feet back in Scotland. As for the cold, don't underestimate kids. They often don't notice the cold like we do. Again, with most of your worries its you being the one thinking it all and wondering and starting to stress about it. Your eldest won't be having the same thoughts as you. You need to perhaps take a step back from it all and look at it in more simple terms for her. 

And thanks We've been here over 4 years now, very happy and settled and had two trips back to the UK as I visit my parents every 18 months or so. Son enjoyed visiting and didn't feel any upset or confusion having the holidays back there. 

 

[Guest263228]

36 minutes ago, Novembernorain said:

Ok, now you have made me really silly for worrying about it. Maybe I worry too much? I tend to do that. I suppose a large part of our decision making has to do with where we think is best for the kids. Maybe that's where it comes from. I'm sure they will be fine eventually, I guess I just don't want to feel guilty about taking her away from the things she loves. So I want to make it as smooth as possible. That's all!!! Is that so abnormal?

It's if anything the longer term issues, that you've perhaps not giving thought to, that may pose some thought, rather than the feelings to moving of a four year old.

That could be weighed against the conditions you are leaving in social and economic terms. What I refer to are issues such as child care, in  being away from grand parents for example. 

Perhaps the child growing up remote from nephews and nieces and extended family.

Becoming 'Australian' and not having interest in returning to UK, if one day you decide to return. Or of course, vice versa. Your child returning and preferring UK and you left in Australia.

All these things can and do happen. But the present regarding removal of a four year old, would be in most measurements the least of problems.

[Quoll]

Well, it'll either work or it wont but it will be an adventure.  Like the others I think the 4 yr old is likely to be the least of your worries, she will discover a whole new world of things to do and as long as she has mummy and daddy and her favourite toy she will be "home". Nothing is forever so just see it as the next chapter in your life and be positive - as has also been said, the kids are going to pick up on your feelings so positivity is key.  Good luck!

 

[LKC]

I completely understand why you're having worries about moving back with your child, and how she will cope with the move.  However, from experience, kids are pretty resilient and tend to cope with things far better than we do as adults (especially adults who are worried about their kids!).  I don't think you should tell her it is a holiday, though, as this has the potential to backfire.  We were open with our kids right from the start (actually from before we made the decision), and involved them in many of the decisions that we made, or at least told them of our plans, dates etc as we went along so that they were fully on board. and understood exactly what was going to happen.  I tried not to be over-positive about one country or negative about the other, as I didn't want to diminish their love of where they had grown up, or make where we were moving to seem impossible to live up to, if that makes sense.

We've not long moved to Scotland from Sydney, and I was hugely stressed about the move.  Our eldest girl has Asperger's and anxiety problems (she's 11) and we worried that she in particular would be adversely affected by the move.  However, both of our girls (our younger daughter is 9) have coped with it magnificently!  They have shown such resilience, confidence and ability to cope with everything that has been thrown at them over the past few months.  As Snifter said, don't worry about the cold at all.  My kids have LOVED having central heating, and although it is cold when we go out, we wrap up warm and come back to a lovely warm house.  They are very much looking forwards to the snow!