MiniCooper Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 This is a bit of a tragic story. after being in Australia 11 months, Mum told me My 58 year old Dad had lung cancer. I felt despair and sobbed for days. However Mum had previously had cancer and is OK so we remained positive. He was having chemo which was brutal and making him so ill but we were convinced all would be Ok. At the same time My 40year old sister was in agony and peeing blood. She kept getting fobbed off by the doctors. She told them she was convinced she had bladder cancer. She was referred as urgent to a consultant. He declared she wasn’t urgent and she waited and waited months before my nan finally paid for her to go private. She saw the same consultant but just had to pay for it. He did exploratory surgery and found a satsuma sized tumour in her bladder. Still we remained positive yet angry that she was let down by the NHS. last Thursday she had an op to remove her whole reproductive system and they found it was in her spine. She was given 6-12 months. My mum broke down and my dad just held his head in his hands. That night, still sick from the chemo he coughed up a litre of blood and was rushed to resuscitation. He was told if he went into cardiac arrest they wouldn’t revive him. mum had to make another devastating phone call to me. I crumbled to the floor and begged my husband to get me home. I already had a flight booked for December to surprise them all. Etihad changed my flight but I had pay 900 dollars. I live in a regional area and there were no flights to Brisbane and the next flight stopped In Melbourne first. we drove through the night for 8 hours to Brisbane, sleeping in a car park. Etihad we’re great giving me rows of three seats on each flight. It was the most traumatic experience of my life and I was travelling for 50 hours but I made it back driving straight to the hospital with my darling brother. I’m the baby so everyone was so worried about me travelling back alone. it was so hard seeing my strong, proud dad on oxygen. He didn’t look like my dad anymore. The hospital have said he is dying. My employer has been fantastic and the support has been incredible but I have so much to think about. i don’t want to leave my mum but she is incredible. She’s so strong! She said she would never want me to stay here and I could never imagine staying here. It’s so miserable and our house build has just commenced. i know she’ll be alright but at only 58 I’m wondering what her options for coming out to Oz are? I don’t think she’d ever move there. its only now I realise just how far away I am. i am sorry for the miserable post it just feels so good to get it all out. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themaccas Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Oh wow I just feel for you so much. I’ve been there too, my father in law was diagnosed with lung cancer and my mum with ovarian cancer in the first we months we moved to Oz. I remember the phone calls and the urgent plane rides both hubby and I took when we went back to be with our parents each on our own. The distance can seem so vast and I ended up feeling a bit heartless in arriving then leaving but I know here in Oz is where we need to be as a family unit, we too are building a house.I’m not sure how your mum could come over I think there are visas available but depending on circumstances these cost huge amounts of $$$$ and they take several years but someone else maybe able to point you in the right direction. You will face a tough time my only advice is to grab the support of your family and embrace the time you have with them, when you come back to Oz it will feel very disjointed and distant and don’t turn down any counselling opportunities you can get through your employer Hugs xxSent from my iPhone using PomsinOz 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LKC Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I can't offer any advice on the visa front, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you're going through this. Many PIO members have unfortunately had experience of getting that phone call, so please don't worry about coming across as being miserable or anything. The forum is here to support people on their migration journey, no matter what that entails, so just know that you can come here for support and a hand-hold if and when you need it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiniCooper Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 Thank you both. It means a lot to know there is so many kind, supportive people out there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Big hug to you and your family. My heart goes out to you all.x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toots Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I'm very sorry to read what's happening to your Dad and sister. It's always very hard but even more so when you live so far away. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evandale Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Baby steps, take each day as it comes. Dont over complicate things.... the very fact that you have gone back shows how much family are important to you and quite frankly your Mother will begin to worry about your own little family over in Australia being without you. Let your Mother make her own decisions, flying off to foreign lands whilst in a confused state of mind isnt healthy/and or not the best solution.... but you can work out some strategies for her visiting/holidays etc. Panic mode decisions are not the best but you will work it out given time! Emigrating can sound romantic and exciting but it has some heart wrenching moments. Very best wishes! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I can fully understand. Both me and my wife had gone through it more than once. I know it is hard to see at the moment, but it is does get easier. While we were in Oz, my daughter from my first marriage committed suicide in England. I had brought her up as a single dad. Then, out of the blue, my mum died. Totally unexpected heart attack. Then, not long after, my wife's dad who had cancer but was being treated and we were hopeful suddenly went down hill and we got a call to say he had 24 hours. Luckily my wife just made it. It will take time and you will have the occasional "day" but that will get less and less and become just the odd moment. With regards the practical side of visas, your mum may be eligible for a parent visa. It is a long and expensive process - about $55k and three years and there are other aspects of qualifying such as if you have any other siblings. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulip1 Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 It all sounds so terrible and sad. Others have mentioned a parent visa for your mum but to get this she would have to meet the balance of family test. This means she would have to have at least half her children resident in Australia. You mention your sister and you also mention your brother. On the assumption they live in the UK your mum wouldn't qualify. Is this something she has mentioned or just you thinking it in this horrible situation? take care and baby steps is the way forward 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 (Hugs) to you! It’s a crap situation to find yourself in, a lot of people get “the call” and all of a sudden Australia might as well be on the far side of the moon. Don’t go worrying about putting the cart before the horse, just because you think you might like your mum with you, that’s not your decision, she’s the one who will have to make those decisions and not for some time either. You’re going to have a long few weeks ahead of you one way or the other and as the others have said just put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps. You’re incredibly lucky to have siblings who all seem to be playing for the same team so lean on each other and take each day as it comes. It’s hard when you don’t have your OH with you though. Be kind to yourself 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiniCooper Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 Wow! What a wonderful, thoughtful, kind group of people you are. I am incredibly grateful for your support, advice and guidance. i know Mum may not want to come. I’m not thinking of a parent visa but was wondering if it’s possible for her to come and go as she pleases if necessary. She is a rock, so strong and she will be fine but gosh I’m so worried about her. i just want to thank you all again and apologise to those of you who have gone through this in the past or may be going through it now. It is truly dreadful and heartbreaking. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Tourist visas are easy to get. My olds visited for 6 months every year for 16 years - as long as her health keeps good she shouldn’t have too many problems coming to visit. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themaccas Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I think tourist visas are 3 months now for oz but 6 months for visitors to U.K. which doesn’t seem very fair! Anyhow your mum could visit oz for 3 months every year on a tourist visa if she wanted. You’re right it is heartbreaking my experience has given me so much insight into how other immigrants feel when family crisis occurs back home. As a manager I don’t hesitate in providing support and emergency leave. Take care of yourself and lean on the support you have. I came back to oz having spent two weeks caring for my mum before she passed away last year and she died just two weeks later. I did not manage to get back for her funeral and took just two days off to grieve. My employer would have given me much more if I had requested but I thought I would be ok, I was...sort of but I would not recommend that to anyone. It wasn’t enough.So pleased you have your family that’s where you will find your strength. XSent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bridgeman Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 It is possible to get a tourist visa for 3, 6 or 12 months. In addition you may be interested in the new5 year temporary parent visa which is being introduced in November https://www.border.gov.au/Trav/Visi/temporary-sponsored-visa-parents/faq There are permanent parent visas but the only real option would be a Contributory Parent Visa which costs around $55,000. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elljane Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 17 hours ago, VERYSTORMY said: I can fully understand. Both me and my wife had gone through it more than once. I know it is hard to see at the moment, but it is does get easier. While we were in Oz, my daughter from my first marriage committed suicide in England. I had brought her up as a single dad. Then, out of the blue, my mum died. Totally unexpected heart attack. Then, not long after, my wife's dad who had cancer but was being treated and we were hopeful suddenly went down hill and we got a call to say he had 24 hours. Luckily my wife just made it. It will take time and you will have the occasional "day" but that will get less and less and become just the odd moment. With regards the practical side of visas, your mum may be eligible for a parent visa. It is a long and expensive process - about $55k and three years and there are other aspects of qualifying such as if you have any other siblings. $55.000! Gosh that's expensive! I'm wondering if there's extenuating circumstances clauses in the decision making 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elljane Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 I'm so very sorry to hear what you are going through. My heart is literally breaking for you. My Mum went through a similar situation with my Grandma. My Gran couldn't leave her house in the UK as she had lived in it for 50 years & all her memories & other family were still there. It helped put our minds at ease knowing that she had other family over there. Wishing you strength & love xoxo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 54 minutes ago, Elljane said: $55.000! Gosh that's expensive! I'm wondering if there's extenuating circumstances clauses in the decision making No extenuating circumstances. If you are elderly and want to live in Australia they expect you to pay for the privilege or wait decades which is how it should be. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tulip1 Posted October 15, 2017 Share Posted October 15, 2017 And you still have to pass the balance of family test Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VERYSTORMY Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 On 15/10/2017 at 07:16, Elljane said: $55.000! Gosh that's expensive! I'm wondering if there's extenuating circumstances clauses in the decision making I am afraid not. There are other options in theory, but they take decades to process. For example, there is a last remaining relative visa, but it has a processing time of 56 years! Even the contributory one costing $55k has a fairly long processing time - close to 3 years. It also requires that the majority of her children do not live in the UK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 (edited) Golly. What a lot you've been through. I won't say what I've experienced, I am trying to be more of a listener than respond with a 'me too, xxxxxx' story. However, as you can see you're not alone and you'll get a wonderful lot of support on this forum. It's great to write or speak the words - it helps to share the load and gain valuable advice from the lovely people on this forum. Everyone has been through some sort of heartache whilst on this big green planet. One thing I will say is that I agree, no big decisions just now. Try to take care of yourself and your family and let them take care of you. I hope you find peace. x Edited October 20, 2017 by Guest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Pom Queen Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 @MiniCooperI just wanted to stop by and give you a huge virtual hug. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, I feel terrible that all I can offer you are words of support and lots of prayers for you and your family. Please feel free to chat whenever you want, that's what we are here for. I found coming back on the forum helped me tremendously. I still have days where I can't face or speak to anyone but I always try and support others when I can. In regards to the visa, have a chat with @Richard Gregan if it's a path you think you and your mum would like to investigate, but for now that needs to be put to one side as you have enough going on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richard Gregan Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 This is very sad. The only practical help I can offer is my migration law knowledge and experience. I would like to discuss your options with you. To make sure I have all the details why don’t we schedule a time when we can speak on the phone. I can go through all the parent visas, tourist and other longer-term temporary options. I have been through similar myself with both of my parents and know how devastating this must be for you. I am available today at your convenience or we could pencil in some time over the weekend? You could pm me with your contact number and I can then call you when it is a convenient time for you. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MiniCooper Posted October 20, 2017 Author Share Posted October 20, 2017 A lot of you are saying you cannot offer words of support but just the fact that you are responding and that I know there are others out there who have gone through similar provides comfort. You are all incredibly empathetic and I’m truly overwhelmed by the kindness and comfort you have offered. Although I don’t wish this upon anyone it’s reassuring that others have experienced it. im in a really difficult situation at the moment though as dad is still with us and I feel like I’m just hanging around waiting for him to pass (which sounds dreadful). He’s perked up but the docs said it’s only a matter of time. My employers have been great but can’t pay me forever and will only pay me until the end of next week. Additionally I am missing my husband terribly. I miss my life and the sense of routine. My mum is now telling me I must go home as she is starting to worry about me now but what if he dies when I’m on my way home? What if he dies when I get back and I have to fly straight back for the funeral? Do I have to attend the funeral? Just to be clear, Mum wouldn’t move to Oz im just wondering about holiday visas and the length of them which will be something to think about in the future. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 4 minutes ago, MiniCooper said: A lot of you are saying you cannot offer words of support but just the fact that you are responding and that I know there are others out there who have gone through similar provides comfort. You are all incredibly empathetic and I’m truly overwhelmed by the kindness and comfort you have offered. Although I don’t wish this upon anyone it’s reassuring that others have experienced it. im in a really difficult situation at the moment though as dad is still with us and I feel like I’m just hanging around waiting for him to pass (which sounds dreadful). He’s perked up but the docs said it’s only a matter of time. My employers have been great but can’t pay me forever and will only pay me until the end of next week. Additionally I am missing my husband terribly. I miss my life and the sense of routine. My mum is now telling me I must go home as she is starting to worry about me now but what if he dies when I’m on my way home? What if he dies when I get back and I have to fly straight back for the funeral? Do I have to attend the funeral? Just to be clear, Mum wouldn’t move to Oz im just wondering about holiday visas and the length of them which will be something to think about in the future. If your mum is telling you to go then you have permission/encouragement to go. No, you don't have to go back for the funeral not unless you absolutely want to. What will matter most to your dad and your mum, for that matter, is that you came when he was there. My parents always used to say - don't bother to come back for the funeral, that'd be a waste of time and money. You can farewell your dad symbolically and emotionally just as well in Australia (and your family can do it with you) as if you are in a chapel with your UK family. What does your dad say? What about your siblings? Do they all say you should go back, in which case, you can go, they know you don't love them any the less for doing it. If you are worried that your voice won't be heard at his funeral, think of writing something from your heart for someone else to read for you (my friend did that recently for her sister) and my Aus son contributed to something written and delivered by my other son for my mum's funeral. These are hard days and there isn't a manual on good practice for such events, you can only do the best you can do with the resources you have available for you but at the end of the day you have to look after yourself because, without that, you won't be any good for anyone else. My guess is that you would cope better if you could have a big hug from your husband! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themaccas Posted October 20, 2017 Share Posted October 20, 2017 I feel for your so much, it’s such a difficult space for you at the moment. I think your heart is telling you to go back home to Aus, don’t feel bad about that you came to see your dad and spend some time while he knew you were with him and that’s what will matter. I did the same last year with my mum and I decided when I was back in the UK I was not going to go back for the funeral as it seemed a waste of money - she would have gone. When she died I spent the day in the local botanic gardens listening to music. I miss her hugely and when I’m back in the U.K. next year visiting family and friends I will go and visit her grave to pay my respects. It’s such a hard time for you at the moment, listen to your family and to what your heart is saying. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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