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Veroca

Faced with difficult choice re move or not

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Faced with very difficult choice

Our PR visa was granted in 03/2013 and at the time my husband didn't want to move to OZ. Two years fast forward and my mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She has been battling the disease for almost 3 years now and we wanted to care for her but she refused to move in with us. She says she will only do so when she is incapacitated. We live 2 1/2 hours flight away from her and only see her twice a year. She has 2 other children that don't live in the same city as hers but her brother does and he has been a big help. Our 5 year visa expires in 03/2018. I still want to move to oz and my husband says that if his mother passes before the visa expires he will move. Part of me feels that our live has been on a hold for a while and I've been trying to let go of the tought of moving but can't get over it and if we did go I'm afraid that her and the whole family would resent us forever and I would probably regret being so selfish.

 

 

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Hello. Have split your post out from the thread it was one as it was one from 2011. Have given this its own thread :)

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One hesitates to say but it sounds like your DH wasn't that keen in the first place! And he seems to be hanging on with excuses so that it doesn't happen. 

If you're all good to go then go. You have to be selfish to survive as a migrant. And, I know this is going to sound absolutely awful, if you do go and you get "the call" although it will be horrible, it probably won't be quite as bad as living and supporting up to the end. I say this as someone whose life is on hold because I am doing just that at the moment and it's one of the hardest things I have ever had to do! In some ways it would have been so much easier to get the call - I think any guilt you would feel would dissipate with time (although, of course, not having done it I cannot say for sure) whereas this caring lark is soul destroying (for everyone!).

Bottom line - if you're going to go then go. If you're not going to go then draw a line and get on with it!

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7 hours ago, Veroca said:

Faced with very difficult choice

Our PR visa was granted in 03/2013 and at the time my husband didn't want to move to OZ. Two years fast forward and my mother-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. She has been battling the disease for almost 3 years now and we wanted to care for her but she refused to move in with us. She says she will only do so when she is incapacitated. We live 2 1/2 hours flight away from her and only see her twice a year. She has 2 other children that don't live in the same city as hers but her brother does and he has been a big help. Our 5 year visa expires in 03/2018. I still want to move to oz and my husband says that if his mother passes before the visa expires he will move. Part of me feels that our live has been on a hold for a while and I've been trying to let go of the tought of moving but can't get over it and if we did go I'm afraid that her and the whole family would resent us forever and I would probably regret being so selfish.

 

 

I thought about leaving my mother because she had my sister two hours away and was in a good care home - and I was desperate to be in Australia with my daughter and grandchildren. Thankfully I never had to make that decision - It's only since I've been in Australia that I realise how much I would have regretted it if I had left my mother behind.   

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103 visa application lodged February 2013. 143 visa application submitted January 2016. Police checks and form 80 submitted February 29th 2016. Visa granted April 4th 2016.

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It's damned if you do and damned if you don't isn't it? Very,very hard.  Do you have children yourselves? I ask because this is where your first loyalty lies really and whether it is a good thing ( or not) from their point of view.

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It sounds like your mother in law sadly doesn't have too long to live. Could you go to Oz but agree to flying back twice a year whilst she is still alive? It's a long way and a tad costly but unlikely to last long. I say this as if you only see her twice a year anyway it doesn't matter where you are living.  Don't worry about people being resentful, it's your life not theirs.  How can it matter to them if you commit to visiting the same amount of time as you do now? Your husband doesn't sound keen, if he's not fully on board it will not work.

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Thanks for the feedback! I think that has been the problem all along; I don't think my husband was ever on board with moving and went along with the visa application but secretly hoped it would be refused. He still doesn't want to go but he feels guilty and sees how much it means to me so he would like to be able to fulfill my desire of moving. I on the other hand, always had my eye on the target. The fact that his mother is ill makes it even harder to make a case for moving and he is not willing to pick a fight with his whole family to do something he is not keen in first place. We have two kids, one is totally keen on the idea of moving, the other not so much since she is in high school. I also wonder if the move would impact her future in a negative way since teenager years is not the easiest time to move around. When I think logically it probably makes sense to just give up but I feel stuck.  As Tulip points out if he is not keen on it it probably won't work out. :(

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Given what you've said, its not a difficult choice in my eyes, its the only one (not much of a choice I'm afraid) if those are your circumstances and you have a husband who has never really been on board and one teen child who isn't keen. You stay put. 

I think its a shame if your husband went along with the idea and this gave you false hope. Migration is a huge thing and not to be undertaken lightly and if one half of a couple isn't keen and dragging their heels like this for a few years, I would have serious concerns that it would never work and most likely doomed to fail from the off. If not doom it then possibly put enormous pressure and resentment on you from perhaps two members of your family, albeit perhaps they won't/don't even realise. And perhaps you on to them. Or what if you did all move and you hated it and they loved it, then what? 

If you feel stuck, be in in the current area you live in or your situation, you perhaps need to address that more directly with your family and see if there are other options they would be happy to consider and perhaps go with or that they support you so you can make some changes in your own life at a more personal level if that is what is needed. A change of location in the country you are currently living in perhaps? Perhaps look at what it is you want and hope to gain from migrating and see if any of that could be attained in the country you are in at present, without having to leave it shores? Address why you yourself feel 'stuck' and see what you can come up with. Your husband doesn't sound stuck to me but he does sound like someone who is trying to please everyone, to be a good husband, son and sibling to you, his mother, his siblings and other family and is trying to walk a narrow line and could perhaps end up doing more harm than good to some relationships involved by carrying on as he is.

He could perhaps make a clear call, once and for all and say no, he isn't going to migrate so you don't keep on with the false hope or feeling like you are stuck or missing out on your visa and simply watching it tick down to run out. Or you make the call and put it to bed once and for all and seek solutions to whatever it is that isn't working for you closer to home. 

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Thank you snifter for your wise words!!! I think you've nailed it. I need to do some soul searching and get to the bottom of it. Many thanks!

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I'm so sorry you are in such a bad situation. It is hard making the move and you have to both want it 101% for it to work. The problem you also have is your children, as the longer you leave it the more they are not going to want to join you. 

I would say forget it but I then worry about your feelings here, will you start to resent the fact he wouldn't move with you. Will it put strain on your marriage. 

Why not sit down with him and ask if you could go for a set period of say 12 months and then if he really isn't happy move back.


If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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What job would you have if you came over? If you struggled for work I'm sure that would increase the anxiety.


AITSL assessment complete-09/10/2014 | IELTS L8.5, R8, W8.5, S8.5. -13/12/2014 | EOI submitted 07/01/2015 (65) invite 09/01/2015 | 189 Visa applied - 10/01/2015 | Meds -20/02/2015 | PCC-08/03/2015 | Visa granted! - 20/03/2015.

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