Tricky situation

[WaywardPom]

Hello everyone.

I have been in Oz with Aussie husband since beginning of November last year. Before this I had been living in Canada since 2014 on WHV's (where I also met husband)

I am however now pregnant (15 weeks) which we was and are very happy about. 

But I'm homesick, and I feel it's past that. I have anxiety and been struggling with chronic insomnia for months which I believe is all connected to the homesickness.  To be honest I felt very unhappy like this the last few months in Canada but I thought that was due to not liking the particular city we had moved to there (Toronto) where beforehand had lived elsewhere in Canada.

In hindsight we probably should have moved to UK first. But that's in hindsight!!

I agreed Australia was the best place to go, I thought too it would be a better quality of life, husband could earn better etc etc

But..but.. now I feel like this and it's all consuming. I know people will think it's hormones. But I think the pregnancy has really made me properly think about the long long term future. I want my parents in my life. I want them to have their grandchild in their life (their first grandchild, even though I'm the youngest of four at nearly 29) and I just want the British familiarity and everything that goes with it.

Obviously husband is not keen at all and I understand that. He asks me what if I change my mind and want back to Aus. But I reply that won't happen as even if end up being unhappy in the UK it won't be more than what I am now. And nothing about here I will miss or regret. And at least I'd have my family/friends around me.

I feel extremely down and in limbo about what to do. We don't have enough money saved to move any time soon. Yet I have the worry that once the baby has arrived husband may refuse to go give it a go in the UK (obviously I don't think he's like that but you never know)

I'm just so sad and feel stuck in limbo and don't know what to do don't know why I'm posting.

[MelT]

I really feel for you.... I have lived in Australia for 12 years and have always felt home sick. Unfortunately we had some complicated circumstances which prevented us from moving back.. My feelings have never changed, in fact they have just intensified over time. Home for us will always be the UK. Our experience means that we will appreciate the special things about the UK, that we perhaps took for granted before moving to Australia.

 

Our goal now is to go home within the next 2 years - even if it means having to take a step back financially for a while. I now think of this time as preparing to go home. Getting the house ready to sell... Planning holidays to places here we would never had seen (bucket list) if we were at home. I took my husband and son to New Zealand earlier this year (I had been years before) for a trip of a lifetime. A place they may never had seen if we stayed in the UK.

 

Try and plan some positives while you are here.. everyone is different, things may improve over time.

 

Sending big hugs and positive thoughts.....

 

 

 

 

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[bunbury61]

1 hour ago, WaywardPom said:

Hello everyone.

I have been in Oz with Aussie husband since beginning of November last year. Before this I had been living in Canada since 2014 on WHV's (where I also met husband)

I am however now pregnant (15 weeks) which we was and are very happy about. 

But I'm homesick, and I feel it's past that. I have anxiety and been struggling with chronic insomnia for months which I believe is all connected to the homesickness.  To be honest I felt very unhappy like this the last few months in Canada but I thought that was due to not liking the particular city we had moved to there (Toronto) where beforehand had lived elsewhere in Canada.

In hindsight we probably should have moved to UK first. But that's in hindsight!!

I agreed Australia was the best place to go, I thought too it would be a better quality of life, husband could earn better etc etc

But..but.. now I feel like this and it's all consuming. I know people will think it's hormones. But I think the pregnancy has really made me properly think about the long long term future. I want my parents in my life. I want them to have their grandchild in their life (their first grandchild, even though I'm the youngest of four at nearly 29) and I just want the British familiarity and everything that goes with it.

Obviously husband is not keen at all and I understand that. He asks me what if I change my mind and want back to Aus. But I reply that won't happen as even if end up being unhappy in the UK it won't be more than what I am now. And nothing about here I will miss or regret. And at least I'd have my family/friends around me.

I feel extremely down and in limbo about what to do. We don't have enough money saved to move any time soon. Yet I have the worry that once the baby has arrived husband may refuse to go give it a go in the UK (obviously I don't think he's like that but you never know)

I'm just so sad and feel stuck in limbo and don't know what to do don't know why I'm posting.

so sorry to he's that wp .

iam sure people who have been through a similar situation will be along to help .

All I can offer you ,is my best wishes .

I hope it all works out

[starlight7]

I would seek some help if I were you, you don't have to just put up with feeling miserable.  Can you talk things through with a trusted friend?  Do you have anyone who could support you in Australia?

[Quoll]

Pragmatically first - do you even have the option of returning to U.K. With your husband? If he's got U.K. Ancestry and can get a passport or ancestry visa then you are good to go. If not then all bets are off and unless you have pots of dosh in the bank you are unlikely to have the option to return.

Once you've worked that out then I really would suggest moving back before your baby is born - once they are there and resident in Australia you won't be allowed to take them to U.K. If your DH says no.

It rather comes down to how much trust there is between you and your DH - would you trust him to make the move back in 12-24 months just in case you decided you would give it a go. He probably values the Aussieness of his childhood and has those expectations for his child - one of you is going to be disappointed. Obviously an amicable agreement is going to be best for everyone but you may need an impartial third party to help you through the process especially if your gut is telling you that time is of the essence.

I had 32 years in Australia and we did it all without any support from either side. Wasn't easy but I guess I'm a tough old bird. I knew from the word go that it was not where I wanted to spend the rest of my days and when at about the 25 yr mark it was clear that it WAS going to be the end of the line I became very depressed and loathed the place. Fortunately life throws you curve balls and we have managed 6 years here (at the end of this month!!!) I will return though when my dad dies. If I had felt like you do now, in hindsight, I hope I would have fought like hell to leave - Australia makes it hard for people to leave and the point of no return is often much closer than you think.

I wish you all the best and suggest that you need to look after yourself - no one else is going to do if for you

[Guest]

I agree with Quoll some very sound advice there. If any doubt at all that your husband would oppose a move to the UK once baby is born then get going quick smart. Please take care of yourself and be a little selfish ( sometimes we ladies need to put ourselves first). Lastly i'm sending you a  big hug. 

[Guest]

The others make valid points re rights if you have the baby in Aus. Of course, its a horrible thought to even think a relationship may end or one may want to leave and the other not and not something many women may want to think over. But it happens so many times and lots are caught out. Same for Dads too if they happen to be the ones who want to leave but the Mum doesn't. Its a sad, frustrating and possibly expensive thing to have to face. 

So, face it now and have that conversation before hand. However, as has been said, there is always the possibility of a person changing their mind and going back on their word. No one can know if that will happen. 

If you were homesick before moving to Aus (and not recognising the signs) and its slowly getting worse now, I'd be looking to making a move sooner rather than later if your partner is willing and able. One of you is going to have to accept and face the reality of living their life in a country that isn't their home by birth or the country they may consider 'home'. Its a fact we all have to face if we marry someone from a different country. I think its fair to share the load and live in both places but then I'm lucky with my husband in that we both are happy in either country and neither of us struggle with being away from our home country. We just get on and live our lives. However, for you it may not be the case and your partner is going to have to accept that for you to be happy its a life in the UK for the long term. Is he prepared for that and what it entails and how will he cope?

Its a difficult situation for all involved and only becomes more complicated once a child is involved. Hope you are both able to reach a decision you are both happy with

 

[WaywardPom]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

No one seems to understand the seriousness of my situation all I get from friends back home is ''of course he'll come back with you, he's your husband!'' or ''what do you want to come back here for!?''. It's frustrating and makes me feel very alone.

Thankyou for your insightful post Quoll . Yes my husband should be able to get a British passport, both his parents were born in England and can still hold British citizenship. Failing that he could get Ancestry visa.

I just don't see how it's possible we could move there before the baby is born, I'm 4 months gone now and we literally only have around 9000Aud to our name and no assets to sell (we rent our house)

I'm worried about how my husband would find a job there (he's a sparky) he'd have to try and get his qualifications swapped over etc too.

I get what you're saying about the trust. Can I trust him to still be willing to move with me 12 mths down the line? 

Can we ever trust anybody 100%???  He says he would but who knows how he'll feel in a year when his child is here.

I feel so stuck in a awful situation I don't even know my arse from my elbow right now. 

[Toots]

14 hours ago, starlight7 said:

I would seek some help if I were you, you don't have to just put up with feeling miserable.  Can you talk things through with a trusted friend?  Do you have anyone who could support you in Australia?

I agree with Starlight and Quoll always has good advice.  This should be a happy time for you - expecting your first child.  Surely your husband understands how miserable and homesick you are.  Things would be so much better for you if he really means that he would move to the UK with you after 12 months.  I can't  really offer any advice but I do have great sympathy for you.  With regard to work in the UK for your husband, perhaps your family could let you know the work situation for electricians in the UK.   Hope things work out for you. 

[Collie]

Hi there,

First off, congratulations on your pregnancy to both you and your husband.

You say that you suffer from anxiety, pregnancy hormones can often accelerate feelings of anxiety.  I suggest you talk to your GP about it, you can get a referral for some counselling from them (funded by Medicare).  There you can talk with a professional and get help with strategies to manage your anxiety.  You also need to talk with your husband (without scaring the hell out of him).

Having being through something similar with my ex, what I will say is that if you choose to go to the UK without your husband or if he goes begrudgingly, there is a high chance that he will always resent you for it and it could lead to the end of the relationship, if not immediately, then down the line.

While it is understandable, that you want your family in your child's life, I'm sure your husband will also wants his family in the child's life.  Just because they are in a different country doesn't mean they will not be in your life.  My daughter skypes regularly with her grandparents, my sister and her kids.  My mum said the other day that she sees my daughter as often on skype as she does my sister's kids.  This is then supported by regular visits both ways.

My last comment may sound a bit harsh but I feel it needs saying.

You have a child on the way, he/she comes first.  Going forward it is not about you or your husband anymore.  It is about what is best for your child.

Good luck.

Edited August 12, 2017 by Collie

[WaywardPom]

Hi collie

You're right it is about the child. But a baby won't care if it's brought up in the UK or Aus, it will know no difference.

I do worry about the resentment aspect. But I resent being here in Aus too. Ultimately one of us is going to be unhappy whether we live here or there. Why should his wants trump mine?

I only get one life too and I dont want to live here perpetually unhappy.

[Guest]

If you are really wanting to go then see what your options are. Do you have family you can both stay with, perhaps for an extended period of time?  Access to support once back? I'd start researching asap and making plans if you are serious. Leaving it till too late in your pregnancy can mean the flight is difficult or not happening at all. 

You don't need much when a baby is born so don't fret about costs there too much. We think we do because the marketing people want us to think we need every gadget and so on going but you can manage on a budget and your baby will be none the wiser. They will be loved and cared for and so long as you have a place to stay, even with family, you'll get by.

 

[Quoll]

You've got a couple of months leeway - heck, VeryStormy did it in less than a week! If your family is going to be the sort of supportive family you hope for, my guess is that they will step up and offer help for you to move over so you can get settled. I know if I had a daughter in your situation I would pull out all the stops to help.

I agree totally about what a baby needs - very little actual "stuff" when it comes down to it but what it does need is a happy contented mum (and dad!). When little people come into your lives they are hugely demanding and if you are starting from a low emotional base you, and they, are going to struggle to make it through every day. You don't want to add post partum depression to an existing level of depression.

Youve got enough for your air fare/s and a bit of wriggle room, it's do-able. I'm guessing that your depression and anxiety is what is holding you back and making everything seem hopeless so buy your ticket, make a list, tick off the little things. I think you could reassure your DH that nothing is forever but this is what you need at the moment and maybe down the track you might be ready to give Aus another go (maybe when you're as old and secure as Snifter or me) and in the meantime you will work to help him have regular visits back to Australia. Mixed marriages aren't the piece of cake that everyone assumes they will be when they are in "lurve"

It'll all be alright in the end and if it is not alright then it is not yet the end! (Love that quote from the Exotic Marigold Hotel!)

 

[WaywardPom]

Thankyou quoll, snifter.

Yes I have my parents who said they would put us all up for however long needed ..it's just..you know no one likes the though of imposing on old parents and they will end up having to financially support us a while..theyre not millionaires they're retired pensioners living off their savings. But yes they are the best and have told me not to worry about that..... We also have a dog just to further complicate and cause me more stress.

[MelT]

I agree with snifter.. best cut losses early. The longer you stay the harder it will be to go back. More items to sell or ship home.. assets to sell/dispose of.. ..

 

Maybe see it as a chance to start afresh at home. At least you will have the support of your family and friends. Much more important in times like these...

 

I also have a good (British) friend who has been fighting through the courts for the last 4 years for custody of her 7 year old son (born in Australia). Spending hundreds of thousands of dollars (borrowed from family) fighting this case. Had the latest case in March and still have no result from the judge if my friend can take her son home to the UK; the decision/judgement could take up to 2 years. In the meantime my friend is forced to live in Australia against her wishes.

 

I know I this is the worst case scenario, but it does happen and when it does it is hell. I am hope your HB will understand at the end of the day you just want to be at home. The current situation is putting undue stress on your health at a critical time. Best be home.

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[VERYSTORMY]

In normal circumstances I would have said come to an agreement with your husband about staying in Oz for a fixed period and if you are still unhappy at the end of that period, you move to the UK. However, these are not normal circumstances. 

We have had a number of members finding themselves stranded in Oz after the Australian partner has refused permission for the child to leave. Add in that we have also had a lot of people who have children and that is the catalyst for their return to the UK - it is one of the biggest reasons, then I think I have to advise differently. 

If your family are willing to help, then I would advise making the return before the baby is born with the promise to your husband you are willing to review it in a couple of years. 

As for the practicality, as mentioned by Quoll, we did it in less than a week and landed with next to no money. Though, the dog had, had his rabies jab thankfully as there is a mandatory 21 day wait between jab and flying. 

[ScottieGirl]

2 hours ago, WaywardPom said:

Hi collie

You're right it is about the child. But a baby won't care if it's brought up in the UK or Aus, it will know no difference.

I do worry about the resentment aspect. But I resent being here in Aus too. Ultimately one of us is going to be unhappy whether we live here or there. Why should his wants trump mine?

I only get one life too and I dont want to live here perpetually unhappy.

Equally why should your wants trump his? Tricky situation indeed. 

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, ScottieGirl said:

Equally why should your wants trump his? Tricky situation indeed. 

This is a fair and good observation.

It is tricky and both need to be able to agree on a way forward that hopefully will work for them both and enable them to be together. 

 

[WaywardPom]

1 hour ago, ScottieGirl said:

Equally why should your wants trump his? Tricky situation indeed. 

Well this is it, why I'am battling with myself. I'am seriously unhappy but I don't want him to end up being unhappy either.

Ultimately it will have to boil down to who we think will cope the best. And I'am obviously not coping.

I'm sad and miserable and can't just relax and enjoy my pregnancy and looking forward to having a baby as I have this constant fear hanging over me that I may end up never being able to move back home if husband turns round and says no.

Edited August 12, 2017 by WaywardPom
Typo

[Wa7]

Massive heart to heart with your husband is required, in no uncertain terms let him know how your feeling. 

[NicF]

I'm married to an Australian that I met in the uk.  We have always talked about moving to Australia but once we had kids the thought of moving from the uk left me cold.  And we weren't even living that close to my family to start with.  As the kids have got older that need to be near my family subsided and eventually I felt ready to move countries and we moved to Adelaide to be near my OHs family.  While I am in no hurry to move at the moment I don't view this as the only move we will ever make and we may well decide to move to the uk in the future.

I think as women when we have kids that is the time we feel the need for family support the most.  I can fully understand your need to be near family and encourage  you to talk to your OH about your feelings. If your relationship is strong you could have another 50 years together.  Maybe for your sanity and the sake of your relationship the next ten years need to be in the UK.  Has your OH ever lived in the UK?  Do you have any reason to believe he will not be happy there?

[Collie]

Ok - so i think we can hear your anxiety coming through.

I really think you need to go get some professional help, initially by yourself and then with your husband.  You guys need to make this decision together or there is a very good chance that the relationship won't survive.

Just on the resentment issue, if you end up going by yourself and having the child in the UK, not only will your husband resent you, your chld may end up resenting you if he/she grows up without their Dad in their life.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it is the reality.  Unfortunately, I have some experience in a similar (if not the same) situation and have come across cases where the child turns completely against 1 parent in similar circumstances.

So, I'll leave it as - talk to your GP and ask for a referral for a Mental Health Plan.  This will get you some professional counselling funded by Medicare and you can plan how either work through the issues or have that conversation with your husband.

BTW - the baby will become a child will become an adult and will very much care if they grow up in one country while their other parent is in another - that is the worst case scenario.  I really hope you guys can work through it and come to an agreed decision that works for you both.  Whether that is to move to the UK or find a way to make Australia feel more like home for you.

Like I said - Good luck and please go talk to your GP as the anxiety and worrying is not good for the baby.

[Quoll]

Thought I had started a post but obviously it disappeared into the ether. Realistically why would your needs trump his at the moment - you're pregnant, you need to be on top of your game. Being anxious and depressed is not good for you or baby. And honestly, he knew you were British he had to expect that some time in your life you might want to return to your roots.

Resentment is never far from the surface in mixed marriages and it only takes a tiny extra hormone to fan the flames.

At the moment he is most likely the one to be able to cope with not getting what he wants. Down the track, who knows, it might be you who has the strength that he lacks for whatever reason. I think a preparedness from you to consider flexibility down the track would go some way to helping.

You've got freedom to move in either direction which is a bonus many don't have - as a spouse you're always going to be let in and as a citizen by descent of U.K. Then everything is possible.

As the others have said, a real heart to heart is required and hopefully the two of you can agree. If there is no agreement then marriage guidance counseling. I'm not sure that going off to a GP for a mental health plan would be too productive- you're not being pathological, just responding to a situation which hasn't met your expectations and being an about to be mum you are actually being quite rational in protecting your baby. If you meet brick walls now then I would say you are screwed whichever way you look at it. But remember what you are feeling is not wrong, you are not bonkers!

You do need to put a time frame on this though you've about 10 weeks to safely make a move.

[Collie]

1 hour ago, Quoll said:

I'm not sure that going off to a GP for a mental health plan would be too productive- you're not being pathological

Sorry Quoll - I completely disagree.  I agree that the name is offputting but a referral for a Mental Health Plan just gives you some sessions (6-10) with a trained counsellor funded by Medicare.  Looking after your mental health doesn't mean you are nuts, it means you are strong enough to ask for help to deal with something that is troubling her.  Don't let the label put you off.

The OP is dealing with anxiety and a professional is better placed to help her deal through the issues (whatever the outcome) than the untrained people on an internet forum (no disrespect to anybody). 

[ScottieGirl]

4 hours ago, WaywardPom said:

Well this is it, why I'am battling with myself. I'am seriously unhappy but I don't want him to end up being unhappy either.

Ultimately it will have to boil down to who we think will cope the best. And I'am obviously not coping.

I'm sad and miserable and can't just relax and enjoy my pregnancy and looking forward to having a baby as I have this constant fear hanging over me that I may end up never being able to move back home if husband turns round and says no.

If you move back it will be stressful because big moves are, pregnant or not. Realistically it would take a month to move you and the dog then you could plausibly end up in a situation where your husband is still looking for work when bub arrives and you are still living with parents. I moved back in April for very different reasons but I am still living with family, not at all what I planned. 

I don't  know you so I am not going to advise one way or another. Having  a chat with a nurse or doctor at your practice, a female who has had children and understands the hormonal thing may help. Nothing as formal as a mental health plan just someone to talk to. They can advise you if you need further help,