Leaving Family Behind

[Fosh]

Hi Everyone, 

Myself and my hubby are leaving at the end of the year to move to Melbourne. I'm leaving behind my parents, my grandma's, brother, cousins, aunty and uncles ect.

We have 2 young boys (2 years 3 months and another due in 2 weeks time) my son will be 3 when we move, and my other little one not born yet will be 6 months old.

Has anyone else been through it? How did you find leaving family behind? I'm expecting it to be emotional, but do you have any coping tactics? My concerned about my would be 3 year old and how he will feel too.

We do have family in Melbourne so we are lucky in that respect, my husbands parents in their 70s and his sister and her husband. But we won't have the help we had with my parents who are 50s as my husbands parents have a lot of health issues so need help themselves.

Anyone experienced this? Thanks 

[KLeanne]

This sounds similar to my situation! I'm leaving in August, with my daughter who will be 18 months by then! My partners Australian, and of course all his family are out there, but I'm dreading leaving mine! His parents are in there late 60's and mid 70's, and nine are in their late 50's, and they're more active with my daughter so I totally get that! I feel sad that my parents will miss it all, after building such a good bond with her (she was Born in oz and lived there for 5 months) but I know it's the best thing for us all. I'm moving it forward and going in Aug because I don't want her to understand too much and miss too much.
So I'll follow this post! Can't give much advice other than, Skype, as many visits as you can, think of the positives and what a great future your children will have, and look forward to your new life out there. But I totally get how you are feeling!


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[Fosh]

6 minutes ago, KLeanne said:

This sounds similar to my situation! I'm leaving in August, with my daughter who will be 18 months by then! My partners Australian, and of course all his family are out there, but I'm dreading leaving mine! His parents are in there late 60's and mid 70's, and nine are in their late 50's, and they're more active with my daughter so I totally get that! I feel sad that my parents will miss it all, after building such a good bond with her (she was Born in oz and lived there for 5 months) but I know it's the best thing for us all. I'm moving it forward and going in Aug because I don't want her to understand too much and miss too much.
So I'll follow this post! Can't give much advice other than, Skype, as many visits as you can, think of the positives and what a great future your children will have, and look forward to your new life out there. But I totally get how you are feeling!


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It's nice to know I'm not alone hun! 

That's the hardest part, when your parents are so young and can help. We currently get 1 night off a week for a date night which is a Monday night and my little boy stays at my mums house on Tuesdays too. They are really energetic so are always playing and running around after him. My second little boy won't remember as he will be 7 months old (due in 11 days)  but my 1st little boy will as he will be just under 3 when we leave. I'm worried I will cry when he asks to see his nanny and grandad, he's also really close to my grandma which is his great grandma she's really active too at 82 and gets on the floor to play with him and chases him around. 

My hubbys parents have hip/ back and leg issues and his dad uses walking  aids and his mum has bad knees so they won't be able to help with childcare ect. They also don't understand about us wanting a date night or time to ourselves every now and again. I'm hoping my hubby's sister helps out and gives us breaks ect but I won't know until we are there. 

You have literally described how I feel, I know it's best for us as a family, my little boy loves playing outside and in the UK the weather is so difficult at times. Just hoping I find a good nursery that he makes friends in and loves so it helps. He absolutely loves swimming and loves the beach so he will love having a pool to play in at home and a beach not too far away.

Where are you moving to hun? Have you decided on shipping ect? We're moving to Melbourne, Victoria. 

Hoping to settle the children for 5 months into their new lives and then start work. Xx

[KLeanne]

It's nice to know I'm not alone hun! 
That's the hardest part, when your parents are so young and can help. We currently get 1 night off a week for a date night which is a Monday night and my little boy stays at my mums house on Tuesdays too. They are really energetic so are always playing and running around after him. My second little boy won't remember as he will be 7 months old (due in 11 days)  but my 1st little boy will as he will be just under 3 when we leave. I'm worried I will cry when he asks to see his nanny and grandad, he's also really close to my grandma which is his great grandma she's really active too at 82 and gets on the floor to play with him and chases him around. 
My hubbys parents have hip/ back and leg issues and his dad uses walking  aids and his mum has bad knees so they won't be able to help with childcare ect. They also don't understand about us wanting a date night or time to ourselves every now and again. I'm hoping my hubby's sister helps out and gives us breaks ect but I won't know until we are there. 
You have literally described how I feel, I know it's best for us as a family, my little boy loves playing outside and in the UK the weather is so difficult at times. Just hoping I find a good nursery that he makes friends in and loves so it helps. He absolutely loves swimming and loves the beach so he will love having a pool to play in at home and a beach not too far away.
Where are you moving to hun? Have you decided on shipping ect? We're moving to Melbourne, Victoria. 
Hoping to settle the children for 5 months into their new lives and then start work. Xx

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[KLeanne]

It's so hard isn't it! My little one will miss my parents so much! I trust them 100% with her too, and she trusts them too, she's pretty shy si I'm wondering how she will be towards my partners parents, I really can't see them having her anytime soon! I've only just been able to leave her with my parents for two hours a week! My stomach sinks sometimes when I think about taking her away from then, but then in some ways I can't wait to go! It's a hard one hun. His mum is a bit full on though and keeps asking when she can have her though!
Yes the outdoors life is fantastic, I've really missed it!
Ah Melbourne's lovely, partners sister lives there. We are moving to just outside Cairns In far North Queensland. Xx


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[KLeanne]

It's nice to know I'm not alone hun! 
That's the hardest part, when your parents are so young and can help. We currently get 1 night off a week for a date night which is a Monday night and my little boy stays at my mums house on Tuesdays too. They are really energetic so are always playing and running around after him. My second little boy won't remember as he will be 7 months old (due in 11 days)  but my 1st little boy will as he will be just under 3 when we leave. I'm worried I will cry when he asks to see his nanny and grandad, he's also really close to my grandma which is his great grandma she's really active too at 82 and gets on the floor to play with him and chases him around. 
My hubbys parents have hip/ back and leg issues and his dad uses walking  aids and his mum has bad knees so they won't be able to help with childcare ect. They also don't understand about us wanting a date night or time to ourselves every now and again. I'm hoping my hubby's sister helps out and gives us breaks ect but I won't know until we are there. 
You have literally described how I feel, I know it's best for us as a family, my little boy loves playing outside and in the UK the weather is so difficult at times. Just hoping I find a good nursery that he makes friends in and loves so it helps. He absolutely loves swimming and loves the beach so he will love having a pool to play in at home and a beach not too far away.
Where are you moving to hun? Have you decided on shipping ect? We're moving to Melbourne, Victoria. 
Hoping to settle the children for 5 months into their new lives and then start work. Xx

Sent using Poms in Oz mobile app

[KLeanne]

As for shipping, I'm just taking the things we need, we still have some stuff out there, but taking her toys/presents and gifts, clothes, and stuff like that, going to have to sell some furniture! How about you? Have you looked into shipping companies? X x


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[Fosh]

10 minutes ago, KLeanne said:

It's so hard isn't it! My little one will miss my parents so much! I trust them 100% with her too, and she trusts them too, she's pretty shy si I'm wondering how she will be towards my partners parents, I really can't see them having her anytime soon! I've only just been able to leave her with my parents for two hours a week! My stomach sinks sometimes when I think about taking her away from then, but then in some ways I can't wait to go! It's a hard one hun. His mum is a bit full on though and keeps asking when she can have her though!
Yes the outdoors life is fantastic, I've really missed it!
Ah Melbourne's lovely, partners sister lives there. We are moving to just outside Cairns In far North Queensland. Xx


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Awww bless her, she sounds adorable!! It's so difficult when they form bonds.

Yeah I think my husbands parents think he will just know who they are ect. He's only met them on Skype so never met them in real life. 

We would love to go Queensland! I bet you're so excited. X

[Fosh]

10 minutes ago, KLeanne said:

As for shipping, I'm just taking the things we need, we still have some stuff out there, but taking her toys/presents and gifts, clothes, and stuff like that, going to have to sell some furniture! How about you? Have you looked into shipping companies? X x


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We started off with movecube but thenot realised we have far too much stuff I want to take for a move cube as it's all new and nice furniture that we love and spent a bit of money on so I want to take it. Also I don't think my son will let go of his Thomas bed he's so attached! Haha. 

I'm going to have the baby then start looking in 8 weeks. We just put our home on for sale and they are saying it will go really quick but we will see. Worst case we move in with my parents for a month or 2 before we go if it sells fast ect were hoping to go after Xmas or just before. X

[Guest]

Good luck in Melbourne. Can't help with much there with things (you had been looking at Adelaide but guessing you've changed your plans) but hope you settle well.

With regard to your 3 year old. You are the one overthinking it and worrying, not him. 3 year olds don't have the same thought processes or feel like we do about these things. His world is much more simple and I'd expect that so long as you and Dad and some familiar toys, clothes, food and routine are around and in place his immediate world around him will be fine

 They don't tend to to think about next week or month either and often out of sight is out of mind after a week or two. And given you'll be moving the other side of the world and busy setting up chances are he'll be going along with you experiencing it all.

Don't be living on Skype and FB (not saying you do or will but many find themselves doing this, more so if missing loved ones or are homesick perhaps) every day and give yourselves chance to find your feet and adjust to your new home. 

Migration takes a huge dollop of selfishness IMHO and you need to be prepared for it to be tough going, especially to begin with. As to how you'll find being away from your support network, depends on you. We never had that in the UK to miss to begin with. I had long ago moved away from living close to my parents and friends. And although we have family here closer by now, tbh we don't really need or make use of them much with regards to childcare and all that. We just get on and live our lives, see them as and when. Friends help out more than they do these days. I tend to ask friends first ahead of family. Easier all round given jobs, other kids, friends are school etc. 

[Quoll]

What Snifter said! Expect to be self sufficient and realise that if you are going to succeed you are going to have to be more than a little selfish. You learn very quickly not to rely on anyone else. I agree, keep off the Skype and FB - the kids will probably hate it as a chore and the small ones will wonder why nana lives in a box on the desk. Your kids will cope in the short term but in their adulthood will probably regret not coming from a close knit extended family (mine have) but that's not to say they don't still have a loyalty to family it's just the they wish we had done more together when they were little. (My family were more like that than my husband's who were fairly insular)

As the "newcomer" when you have a partner who is returning to their neck of the woods with their family, mates and familiarity, there can be a resentment not too far from the surface that his mob get everything but yours gets nothing. In lots of ways it's an easier path if you both go somewhere new to both of you. Australian men often change when they get back to Australia and the local culture too - I've heard that many times! 

Also, before you go, have the chat about what if it doesn't work for you and be aware of The Hague Convention and how you could be stuck if it doesn't go according to plan - many women (especially) have found that out the hard way.

Goid luck. The more independent you are, the easier it will be.

[Fosh]

7 hours ago, snifter said:

Good luck in Melbourne. Can't help with much there with things (you had been looking at Adelaide but guessing you've changed your plans) but hope you settle well.

With regard to your 3 year old. You are the one overthinking it and worrying, not him. 3 year olds don't have the same thought processes or feel like we do about these things. His world is much more simple and I'd expect that so long as you and Dad and some familiar toys, clothes, food and routine are around and in place his immediate world around him will be fine

 They don't tend to to think about next week or month either and often out of sight is out of mind after a week or two. And given you'll be moving the other side of the world and busy setting up chances are he'll be going along with you experiencing it all.

Don't be living on Skype and FB (not saying you do or will but many find themselves doing this, more so if missing loved ones or are homesick perhaps) every day and give yourselves chance to find your feet and adjust to your new home. 

Migration takes a huge dollop of selfishness IMHO and you need to be prepared for it to be tough going, especially to begin with. As to how you'll find being away from your support network, depends on you. We never had that in the UK to miss to begin with. I had long ago moved away from living close to my parents and friends. And although we have family here closer by now, tbh we don't really need or make use of them much with regards to childcare and all that. We just get on and live our lives, see them as and when. Friends help out more than they do these days. I tend to ask friends first ahead of family. Easier all round given jobs, other kids, friends are school etc. 

Thanks snifter, 

My heart wants to go to Adelaide but I'm too worried about the job situation after speaking to alot of people about it which is a shame. We decided to give Melbourne a try, and if we really don't like it, try Adelaide if that fails try somewhere else then head home to the UK together. 

Thanks for the tip re Facebook and Skype. We currently skype my hubby's family every 2 weeks and that works for us and he calls sometimes inbetween. I am worried about me being on maternity leave and feeling lonely but it will put pressure on me to mingle and meet people which is good. I'm a strong person but you just don't know how you will react until you're in the experience.

We also lived away from family for 7 or more so years, then when I got pregnant we decided to move closer to my family for 6 months to spend time with them, then the plan was to move to Melbourne....that was in 2014! A few years on after having a difficult birth/baby and we are in the UK and now having baby 2 in 11 days! It was the right decision and I feel really blessed my hubby did that for me as he's never moaned once he just gave me the time I needed and waited for me to be ready, and now I feel ready after owning my visa since 2012! He's a lovely man I am lucky to have his support.

Me and my hubby are a pretty strong couple so I think we will be fine. Thanks for the tips re my 3 year old it's eased my mind x

[Fosh]

45 minutes ago, Quoll said:

What Snifter said! Expect to be self sufficient and realise that if you are going to succeed you are going to have to be more than a little selfish. You learn very quickly not to rely on anyone else. I agree, keep off the Skype and FB - the kids will probably hate it as a chore and the small ones will wonder why nana lives in a box on the desk. Your kids will cope in the short term but in their adulthood will probably regret not coming from a close knit extended family (mine have) but that's not to say they don't still have a loyalty to family it's just the they wish we had done more together when they were little. (My family were more like that than my husband's who were fairly insular)

As the "newcomer" when you have a partner who is returning to their neck of the woods with their family, mates and familiarity, there can be a resentment not too far from the surface that his mob get everything but yours gets nothing. In lots of ways it's an easier path if you both go somewhere new to both of you. Australian men often change when they get back to Australia and the local culture too - I've heard that many times! 

Also, before you go, have the chat about what if it doesn't work for you and be aware of The Hague Convention and how you could be stuck if it doesn't go according to plan - many women (especially) have found that out the hard way.

Goid luck. The more independent you are, the easier it will be.

Thanks quoll your message has really helped. 

My little one currently skypes his grandparents in Australia, he knows who they are and kisses them on Skype and cuddles the Ipad haha!! He's also been prone to a spot of afternoon tea with them feeding them cups of pretend tea into their mouths on the ipad as well as cake so he's well versed to speaking to people on it which I'm hoping will help, we would probably skype every 2 weeks like we do with my hubby's parents now.

Yeah I do worry about the whole family thing as my parents are so young, but trying to think of that as a positive my mum said she will fly out and spend 4 weeks at a time with the kids so that helps they can fly out to see me and spend time with them ect. My grandma won't be able to she is 82 and she's going to be heartbroken as my son is her world which is sad, especially when she's 82.

We looked at Adelaide as we would love to live there but a lot of people really concerned me regarding the job situation. We accounted to be out of work for 6 months but then one of us would need a job. Also a few people said their children had outgrown adelaide and they wish they had of moved to Melbourne. It's such a personal thing that you won't know until you are there, so we thought we would try Melbourne and if we really don't like it move to Adelaide as it's the commute times in Melbourne which concern me most.

I am really concerned about the whole returning to family thing. My hubby doesn't have the best relationship with his family at all, they can be very difficult people and have even made life difficult for us in the UK. They struggle to accept he is married and a dad too. I'm not sure how it will go to be honest and we both have concerns on that front. We talked about options if it gets too much and my husband is more than willing to try another state or come back to the UK worst case, and I put my trust in him 100% as he does me as we were supposed to leave for australia in 2014 and he waited until I was ready and he never complained once he just understood I wasn't ready to leave. Now I feel ready and I'm so greatful he gave me that time so there would not be any resentment ect for either of us. Now it's my turn to try out something new and put my all into it.

I know if it didn't work out he would put my happiness over his own, he's such a loving selfless person he would do anything for me and the kids. He also has concerns he might not like australia anymore or find it hard to fit back in after 11 years of not living there so I guess it's an experience for both of us.

Thanks so much for all your helpful comments.

[KLeanne]

We started off with movecube but thenot realised we have far too much stuff I want to take for a move cube as it's all new and nice furniture that we love and spent a bit of money on so I want to take it. Also I don't think my son will let go of his Thomas bed he's so attached! Haha. 
I'm going to have the baby then start looking in 8 weeks. We just put our home on for sale and they are saying it will go really quick but we will see. Worst case we move in with my parents for a month or 2 before we go if it sells fast ect were hoping to go after Xmas or just before. X

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[KLeanne]

Sounds good! Yes kids get so attached to stuff, I'm taking all my baby's toys! I will look into that moving company, still haven't found one! And not long for you then! Yes you should visit Queensland, some lovely spots! X


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[Ferrets]

Skype is fantastic - especially as our children (3 and 2 when we left) had a good relationship with my parents.

They will happily sit and chat with them for an hour or so and Granny regularly reads them bedtime stories, and they genuinely enjoy speaking to them.  But my parents will be coming out 3 times a year (including every Christmas) to visit so that always forms part of the conversation, i.e. very clear that it's not only video calls.

Obviously depends on circumstances, but for us it is invaluable 

 

 

 

 

 

[Beaty]

We're committing to coming home annually, in June. This coupled with a parental visit down under once yearly should keep us all in The Will.

B

[newjez]

23 minutes ago, Beaty said:

We're committing to coming home annually, in June. This coupled with a parental visit down under once yearly should keep us all in The Will.

B

We did try and do this - but it got hard (and expensive) with school aged kids. I have been back by myself a few times, and the last trip I just took my youngest.

[Toots]

4 hours ago, newjez said:

We did try and do this - but it got hard (and expensive) with school aged kids. I have been back by myself a few times, and the last trip I just took my youngest.

I went home every 2nd year and Mum came the year we didn't.  Worked well.  Yes it was expensive but we didn't flash money around on needless crap so were able to save for those holidays.  I took our 2 boys in the Aussie school summer holidays.  OH didn't go.  Once the boys reached high school I went myself for a month in the UK summer.  After Mum died I didn't go back nearly as often.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Beaty said:

We're committing to coming home annually, in June. This coupled with a parental visit down under once yearly should keep us all in The Will.

B

Be prepared that this may not actuallly happen once you are living here. It's a great plan to have but often the reality is that annual trips cannot be sustained.

Either because of cost (ok perhaps if just you or as a couple) but with kids in tow it's a huge expense to budget for each year. Spending money the other end adds up, car hire, accommodation (staying with family for a month can be tough going I find and prefer to break trips up). Plus the annual leave gets eaten up and you do find you want to go see other places, countries. And if a trip back to the UK is eating all the savings and using your annual leave then you won't have much cash or time for elsewhere. Factor in needing to fork out for stuff in Aus, things stack up. We had to spend $1000 on our car recently and that has to come out of the holiday fund. As it is hubby refuses to travel back there now as it costs so much if we all go. So even less chance of him making the next trip (which is at least 18 months away now).

Also once there, other people don't take much time off work to spend with you, kids may be in school etc so seeing family and friends isn't always as easy as you might think. 

 

 

[ScottieGirl]

4 hours ago, snifter said:

 

Also once there, other people don't take much time off work to spend with you, kids may be in school etc so seeing family and friends isn't always as easy as you might think. 

 

 

Absolutely,  school holidays in Aus do not overlap with the UK.

Went back one Xmas and spent my time haring around the country as no one was prepared to change their plans. I had travelled 10,000 miles but they wouldn't travel 20. People don't miss you as much as you miss them. 

Parental visits can become less frequent as well as elderly parents become less able to cope with the journey.

Edited May 11, 2017 by ScottieGirl

[doubter]

18 minutes ago, ScottieGirl said:

Absolutely,  school holidays in Aus do not overlap with the UK.

Went back one Xmas and spent my time haring around the country as no one was prepared to change their plans. I had travelled 10,000 miles but they wouldn't travel 20. People don't miss you as much as you miss them. 

Parental visits can become less frequent as well as elderly parents become less able to cope with the journey.

Very true you think family will fall at your feet when you come back to the UK not always true. When I came back to the UK after leaving Australia for good I had to hire a car and drive home to Wales after the long flight.Reason there was a Wales rugby match on and nobody would fetch me from Heathrow ? They knew I was returning for months but still put their plans first. I used to have more contact from my parents in Oz via Skype than I do here in the UK and they live 10 mins away.

[Beffers]

On 2017-5-9 at 11:47 PM, snifter said:

Good luck in Melbourne. Can't help with much there with things (you had been looking at Adelaide but guessing you've changed your plans) but hope you settle well.

With regard to your 3 year old. You are the one overthinking it and worrying, not him. 3 year olds don't have the same thought processes or feel like we do about these things. His world is much more simple and I'd expect that so long as you and Dad and some familiar toys, clothes, food and routine are around and in place his immediate world around him will be fine

 They don't tend to to think about next week or month either and often out of sight is out of mind after a week or two. And given you'll be moving the other side of the world and busy setting up chances are he'll be going along with you experiencing it all.

Don't be living on Skype and FB (not saying you do or will but many find themselves doing this, more so if missing loved ones or are homesick perhaps) every day and give yourselves chance to find your feet and adjust to your new home. 

Migration takes a huge dollop of selfishness IMHO and you need to be prepared for it to be tough going, especially to begin with. As to how you'll find being away from your support network, depends on you. We never had that in the UK to miss to begin with. I had long ago moved away from living close to my parents and friends. And although we have family here closer by now, tbh we don't really need or make use of them much with regards to childcare and all that. We just get on and live our lives, see them as and when. Friends help out more than they do these days. I tend to ask friends first ahead of family. Easier all round given jobs, other kids, friends are school etc. 

That is sooooo true about the big dollop of selfishness. Sometimes you have to put your own wee family first.  Doesn't make it easier, but it really does allow you to shift some guilt!!!

[Beaty]

9 hours ago, snifter said:

Be prepared that this may not actuallly happen once you are living here. It's a great plan to have but often the reality is that annual trips cannot be sustained.

Either because of cost (ok perhaps if just you or as a couple) but with kids in tow it's a huge expense to budget for each year. Spending money the other end adds up, car hire, accommodation (staying with family for a month can be tough going I find and prefer to break trips up). Plus the annual leave gets eaten up and you do find you want to go see other places, countries. And if a trip back to the UK is eating all the savings and using your annual leave then you won't have much cash or time for elsewhere. Factor in needing to fork out for stuff in Aus, things stack up. We had to spend $1000 on our car recently and that has to come out of the holiday fund. As it is hubby refuses to travel back there now as it costs so much if we all go. So even less chance of him making the next trip (which is at least 18 months away now).

Also once there, other people don't take much time off work to spend with you, kids may be in school etc so seeing family and friends isn't always as easy as you might think. 

 

 

It'll happen with us alright. We plan late June / July annually as kids will be off. Not into the Christmas thing either way.

We have a business interest in Ireland and luckily it'll be paying our flights.

We have booked in 'to go' October 2017 and our first 'return trip' in late June early July 2018 already.

B

Edited May 11, 2017 by Beaty

[newjez]

5 hours ago, doubter said:

Very true you think family will fall at your feet when you come back to the UK not always true. When I came back to the UK after leaving Australia for good I had to hire a car and drive home to Wales after the long flight.Reason there was a Wales rugby match on and nobody would fetch me from Heathrow ? They knew I was returning for months but still put their plans first. I used to have more contact from my parents in Oz via Skype than I do here in the UK and they live 10 mins away.

You planned to land when Wales were playing? Seriously?