Torn between staying or leaving

[Norfolkborn]

I have been in Australia for almost 30 years, moving here with my young children who are now both adults and I have 3 young grandsons, 8, 6 and 5.

i came here with their father, we divorced and I later remarried an Australian, which unfortunately had also recently ended.

My family, ageing mother, brothers, sisters,  and fairly large extended family are all in the UK. Even though I have been here for 30 years, we are still very close and have regular visits back and forth.

As I've got older I feel a strong need to return to my family in the U.K., but also torn by the prospect of leaving my children and grandchildren who are very entrenched in the Aussie way of life!

I am feeling more and more socially isolated, whilst I have good friends here, I have no-one that I am really close to.

I haven't even discussed with my kids the possibility of me leaving Australia for good, and there are also financial issues to deal with, such as pensions, would I get a job in the U.K. at the ripe old age of 60!!

any advice or suggestions would be welcome 

 

[crypticat]

Oh Norfolfkborn, what a dilemma. I really feel for you. 

You mention that youve recently ended a relationship - has this been a big influence on your desire to be back in the Uk? 

How close are you to your children and grandchildren? How do you feel about being apart from them day-to-day?

There's no easy solution unless you have the financial means to live part of the year in Oz and part in the UK. Would this be an option?

[Norfolkborn]

I think if I'm honest, my father dying and then my brother in law a year later started me thinking about returning.

and yes being alone has probably influenced the thinking more in that direction.

i an close to my kids, and grandkids, but they're growing up fast and won't need me as much as they get older, but it's gut-wrenching to think of not being able to see them.

6 months here and 6 months in the U.K. would be the perfect solution but I just don't think that is financially viable for me right now.

thanks for your comments, I don't have an easy choice do I?

[Johndoe]

Please be careful with your thoughts of return. You say "your family" (who are back in the UK) but aren't your kids (who are here) your closest family? You've been here a long time and it's not like your UK family feel deserted or that you haven't/shouldn't have got used to being apart from them  How do you think your immediate family would feel if you went back? I have my kids (young adults) living with me and I know how they feel about their mother leaving for another bloke..............not that yours would think that of you but they may well feel deserted by their mother as mine do.

When WE feel deserted, (by a partner) or failed, or simply trying to comprehend how our live's are changed, we tend to reach out to the past/nostalgia for solutions but that's a mistake because we left the past behind, did we not? and who are our present and future? Those here with us, are they not? My (eventual) conclusions anyway FWIW

I felt exactly the same when my marriage of 31 yrs ended. I have two sons here and 2 grandchildren and 3 older sons [and 4 grandchildren]  back in the UK who didn't come here when we emigrated as they were all in the forces.....my sons I mean. I came here 21 yrs ago.

I started to yearn for "good old blighty"and being back with the rest of my family on the breakup of my marriage. As much as I love the UK and my 3 sons back there, and my grandchildren, only on much soul searching over time, did I conclude that I was simply reaching for the past. One of my sons in the UK offered to build an extension on his house for me and to "see I was alright". This was as much about his fear of me feeling alone and isolated as it was about my feelings. I had to convince him that I never felt alone as long as I still had his younger brothers with me.

The other thing that you have to think about, and call it mercenary if you will, but I call it "practical" is that will you outlive your brothers and sisters? Who will yearn more for your company as you get older? Who will look after your interests as you get old and infirm? Isn't that more likely/appropriate/better to be left to your children here in Oz? How can they do that if you live in the UK?

I realised that I couldn't bear to be apart from my 2 younger sons, here with me, and my 2 grandchildren who are here, and have chosen to be here despite their dad, (my son), remaining in the UK. If they chose to leave their dad to be here, how then now could I possibly desert them because I wanted to see more of their dad?.........weird situation I know!

What I'm trying to say is that it isn't so much about what I feel/want (at that time) as I was still reeling from a loss and coul;d have made a decision that I would regret, but having given it time to think it all over, it is now about where and who my heart lies with after the cloud of loss has dissipated.

Prior to my marriage breakup I was coasting along quite happily than you, watching my sons and grandchildren here mature and knowing that my kids back in the UK were doing fine and we could Skype when we needed etc...................so...................my thoughts about returning to the Uk were never really about "not feeling at home here" or "yearning for good old blighty" they were purely because I was "traumatised" for want of a better word, by the marriage breakup and that I was looking for some kind of replacement/nostalgia.

Your circumstances may be different and I am only illustrating mine to show that when "under a cloud" you reach out for things that you really wouldn't normally reach out for under usual happy circumstance. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Guest The Pom Queen]

Welcome to the forum @Norfolkborn you have had some really good replies that will hopefully help.

What I wanted to ask is, have you been back to the UK recently? If not why not just go back for 3 months and see how you settle. Don't give up life here just in case it doesn't work out. 

[Norfolkborn]

thankyou for all your comments.

johndoe you certainly gave me something to think about!

I won't be making any hasty decisions, I think you are right, I just need to let the dust settle before I do anything!

thanks for sharing your story with me.

[winter1]

Just one piece of advice from me is find out about your financial status you may have to employ a specialist tax person such as Andrew from Vista or Alan Collett seen on the Money and finance pages of this forum. I have known some find it too difficult once they know the reality. I am not trying to put a damper on just trying to make sure that you consider this aspect as well as the emotional one.

if you are going back and you have Australian Superannuation it is tax free in Australia but you will pay marginal rate tax in the UK.

The only way round this is to withdraw it from Super before you go and then take it as capital which is not taxed. Although this has it's own problems of where to invest if you have large amounts.

You will have to consider your personal situation as regards what income you will receive in the UK either from a UK state pension if you have enough qualifying years (the UK Australia agreement finished in July 2001). If you already have some qualifying years in the UK you can claim yearly credits up until 2001 this may give you a much higher pension.

Good luck

[Patphillips47]

On 4/25/2017 at 7:19 PM, Norfolkborn said:

I have been in Australia for almost 30 years, moving here with my young children who are now both adults and I have 3 young grandsons, 8, 6 and 5.

i came here with their father, we divorced and I later remarried an Australian, which unfortunately had also recently ended.

My family, ageing mother, brothers, sisters,  and fairly large extended family are all in the UK. Even though I have been here for 30 years, we are still very close and have regular visits back and forth.

As I've got older I feel a strong need to return to my family in the U.K., but also torn by the prospect of leaving my children and grandchildren who are very entrenched in the Aussie way of life!

I am feeling more and more socially isolated, whilst I have good friends here, I have no-one that I am really close to.

I haven't even discussed with my kids the possibility of me leaving Australia for good, and there are also financial issues to deal with, such as pensions, would I get a job in the U.K. at the ripe old age of 60!!

any advice or suggestions would be welcome 

 

We went back in 2001 to look after my Mum we had been here 20 years at the time Came back to Oz in 2006 but felt unsettled somehow so in 2013 we up an offed again thinking retirement and happy days We have great long term friends in the UK but no family to speak of We had though underestimated the pull of our kids and grandchildren in Oz and when out UK friends were doing things with their family's it was like a physical ache So in 2016 we upped and returned to Oz Finances can be a mine field as your not old enough to claim UK or Centrelink pensions ( think I have that right ) Good luck with what you choose to do by please do put lots and lots of thought into it 

[Imapla]

I very would not recommend leaving your (adult) children - you will miss them a lot and they will so miss just having Granny around.

Maybe break down the 6 month here and 6 month there idea - could you afford to do  a short stint back to the uk - say 3 months and see how it goes (go in the winter) when you are living in Aus you totally forget how dark and long the winters are here !  Make sure you arrange a few whole family get togethers and that might keep you going until the next one.  If you have a job - they may give you unpaid leave and job hunting over here is very hard no matter what age you are - there are so many applicants for each job   

Although I must say that now summer has finally arrived it is lovely  

[starlight7]

After all those years and with your children here I would say don't do it. Perhaps go back for an extended holiday though that may well make things worse and unsettle you more. Join a new club or interest group like Red Hats or Probus or U 3A and get to know some fresh faces and give you a feeling of moving forward if you can. Good luck!


Sent from my iPad using PomsinOz

[Quoll]

Well now, you see, I would say go where you feel you belong! No it's not easy having kids and grandkids on the other side of the world but so many families "chasing the dream" are quite content, even applauded, for taking the grandkids away from extended family so why should you not do the same?

Ive found a definite peace in belonging and, sure, I miss the granddaughters growing up but with holidays you get quite long intense periods of good quality time and the odd Skype session keeps you in touch.

You never know where your kids/grandkids are going to end up either - one of mine came to UK 15 years ago for a post uni gap year and stayed. You could be an attractive home base for your grandkids down the track.

Life is too short to be where you don't belong. Go for a holiday and suss it out, if you like it, don't return!

[Melbpom]

I have great respect for those who chose to stay but right now I reckon it's time for the OP to decide on her next adventure. There's a time at which women in their 50's and 60's (myself included) are free of child rearing and can take a risk, make a change, end the boredom. Don't stay because you think that's what's expected of you. In one of these forums someone mentioned flipping a coin (to decide whether to stay or go) and if you ask for best of three then you already know the answer.

[Toots]

11 hours ago, Melbpom said:

I have great respect for those who chose to stay but right now I reckon it's time for the OP to decide on her next adventure. There's a time at which women in their 50's and 60's (myself included) are free of child rearing and can take a risk, make a change, end the boredom. Don't stay because you think that's what's expected of you. In one of these forums someone mentioned flipping a coin (to decide whether to stay or go) and if you ask for best of three then you already know the answer.

I agree.  One of my sons is overseas - haven't seen him for 1.5 years the other in Sydney.  They have their lives and I have mine.  Do whatever is best for you.