bunbury61 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 it must be nice to know that you've done the right thing by your parents and are going through life ticking all the right boxes. One of the life boxes I like to tick is the one about being kind to other people and not rushing to judge when you only know half the story. I did the 'right' thing by my parents too, but I was in a position to retire and move homes - not that easy for many people. What would you do for example, if you had a disabled child in one country who was settled and happy and very difficult to move, and an elderly parent in another? Or suppose your partner was suffering from an degenerative illness with a local care plan it had taken months years to sort out? Or a partner with early onset Alzheimer's? We have no idea what other people are struggling with, so it would seem to me that a request for advice should be met with ... Advice. And if we are unable to offer advice we should keep quiet. Your hypothetical story is just that ...hypothetical ,and would require and receive a different answer ,probably a more sympathetic one . What we have here is 2 children ,one in new Zealand ,one in Australia . Neither ,it appears are willing to shift to the u.k ,to aid their mother . So the question was " how do I get my 82 year old mother to Australia ". In most cultures in the world ,this would be unthinkable ,because an 82 yr old woman wouldn't be left on her own . That's the facts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Your hypothetical story is just that ...hypothetical ,and would require and receive a different answer ,probably a more sympathetic one .What we have here is 2 children ,one in new Zealand ,one in Australia . Neither ,it appears are willing to shift to the u.k ,to aid their mother . So the question was " how do I get my 82 year old mother to Australia ". In most cultures in the world ,this would be unthinkable ,because an 82 yr old woman wouldn't be left on her own . That's the facts It's interesting because, as you know, I moved back to care for my aged parents - for us if we easy but even if it had not been easy I would still have done it. No brainer really for me. I was talking to someone the other day about what we have done and she asked me where my sense of duty came from - took me aback somewhat, and my initial response was "doesn't everyone have that same sense?" Obviously not, but I never thought that anyone would actually think differently. I have had quite a few pms over the years from folk whose olds have moved over and have become dreadfully lost and are desperate to return to their roots to die but unable to leave. I think we tend to underestimate the social connectivity that takes a lifetime to build. At my mum's funeral last month I was in awe of the friendship group who came to farewell her - my connections wouldn't fill a phone box let alone a funeral chapel! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Personally I don't view any of the replies as 'judging" anyone. Its a discussion forum, people are putting forward their points of view, and in some cases speculating on what they would do if they were in the OPs shoes. That doesn't mean they are judging/praising/condemning the OP. t just means they would do things differently. And often one thing that comes out of discussions like this is the fact that it makes us all think. Quite often a new viewpoint will come up that we hadn't considered. Often a poster has not even thought about a particular option until its mentioned by a third party.Opening up a frank discussion really makes people examine the whats and whys of their actions, and if they still consider their original track is the right one, fair enough, but at least they will then have reviewed other options in reaching their final conclusion. Let's stop the bickering, just accept that some people do things differently to others, and let everyone put forward their point of view. In situations like this there is no right or wrong after all, there are just different options. i agree, which is why I am not going to comment on the most recent post by Bunbury. If that isn't judgmental then I don't know what is. But you are right, bickering doesn't help anyone. Hopefully Tearose will be able to find some workable plan of action to help her mum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 It's interesting because, as you know, I moved back to care for my aged parents - for us if we easy but even if it had not been easy I would still have done it. No brainer really for me. I was talking to someone the other day about what we have done and she asked me where my sense of duty came from - took me aback somewhat, and my initial response was "doesn't everyone have that same sense?" Obviously not, but I never thought that anyone would actually think differently. I have had quite a few pms over the years from folk whose olds have moved over and have become dreadfully lost and are desperate to return to their roots to die but unable to leave. I think we tend to underestimate the social connectivity that takes a lifetime to build. At my mum's funeral last month I was in awe of the friendship group who came to farewell her - my connections wouldn't fill a phone box let alone a funeral chapel! yes Quoll I have to say, I buried my mum yesterday and there were a surprising number of people there for a 95 year old ... Very comforting to see people I've known since childhood. I'm so glad I stayed with mum till the end ... But I still say that every one is different and its not always possible. I consider myself lucky to have been able to move back here when I did. Hope you are doing okay by the way, it isn't easy saying goodbye. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quoll Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 yes Quoll I have to say, I buried my mum yesterday and there were a surprising number of people there for a 95 year old ... Very comforting to see people I've known since childhood. I'm so glad I stayed with mum till the end ... But I still say that every one is different and its not always possible. I consider myself lucky to have been able to move back here when I did. Hope you are doing okay by the way, it isn't easy saying goodbye. Yes I'm good thanks! Hope you are too! It's not easy is it? I've still got dad about to turn 93 on Friday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bunbury61 Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 It's interesting because, as you know, I moved back to care for my aged parents - for us if we easy but even if it had not been easy I would still have done it. No brainer really for me. I was talking to someone the other day about what we have done and she asked me where my sense of duty came from - took me aback somewhat, and my initial response was "doesn't everyone have that same sense?" Obviously not, but I never thought that anyone would actually think differently. I have had quite a few pms over the years from folk whose olds have moved over and have become dreadfully lost and are desperate to return to their roots to die but unable to leave. I think we tend to underestimate the social connectivity that takes a lifetime to build. At my mum's funeral last month I was in awe of the friendship group who came to farewell her - my connections wouldn't fill a phone box let alone a funeral chapel! Thank heavens you joined the post quoll .. .my uncle left the uk with my aunt ,when Maggie thatcher took over .. " Britains finished son ,I won't be back ". Everything was laid on in Adelaide to for them to live with relatives . It was a disaster ...he was back within 12 months . " I will never leave Europe again " ....and he didnt In relation to what children will ,or in the main ,will not do for their elderly parents ,never ceases to suprises. You know what they Sa though ,and the older I get the more it rings true . " what goes around ,comes around "...karma Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 One of the life boxes I like to tick is the one about being kind to other people and not rushing to judge when you only know half the story. I did the 'right' thing by my parents too, but I was in a position to retire and move homes - not that easy for many people. ... Advice. And if we are unable to offer advice we should keep quiet. I really agree with you here. The OP (or any poster) may not wish to fully go into the reasons they may not be able to up sticks and move back, or do anything really. They simply asked for migration advice about whether they could move their mother or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I am in your situation Tearose and I am moving back. Mum is 84 and whilst 'good for her age' starting to have various health issues and I am her only relative. I realise you may not have that option, if you have kids then it's a joint decision with your spouse, there are a number of threads from POMS with Aussie husbands who want to return but can't. In which case my advice is i) ask your mum what she wants to do. My mum considers a 30 minute train ride into the city near where she lives a major expedition so moving to Sydney is a complete no for her. ii) Talk to someone who has been caring for her: her doctor, social worker ( there should be one if she is admitted to hospital and lives on her own). You will probably need her consent to do this but if she doesn't consent to talk about it then she is unlikely to be willing to make the move. iv) Check with a migration agent what your options are. It depends on a number of factors, her health, how much money she has, how many relatives she has , where they are and you need expert advice. iv) Plan financially for regular visits to the UK whilst she is living there. Good luck Great advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 I can't comment on visa's but would worry about the healthcare costs and the medical. I do think it's important to establish what your parent wants. My dad never wanted to come and live in Aus although he loved coming out for a holidays. When I broached the subject with him he asked me where would he live - my brother is in QLD and we were in Perth - he didn't want to live in one place for fear of offending one of us, he didn't want to live with his children, he had a routine and a social life and effectively, didn't want at his age to have to establish all that again in another country where he had no transport and was waiting for us to come home from work or school. As he said "I have a life" (in the UK) and as much as he loved coming to see us for several months at a time .. he also enjoyed going home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fisher1 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Yes I'm good thanks! Hope you are too! It's not easy is it? I've still got dad about to turn 93 on Friday. It was harder than I expected, but we got through it. By a stroke of unavoidable dreadful timing it's my niece's wedding on Friday - don't know whether to laugh or cry! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martinbjulieb Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 it must be nice to know that you've done the right thing by your parents and are going through life ticking all the right boxes. One of the life boxes I like to tick is the one about being kind to other people and not rushing to judge when you only know half the story. I did the 'right' thing by my parents too, but I was in a position to retire and move homes - not that easy for many people. What would you do for example, if you had a disabled child in one country who was settled and happy and very difficult to move, and an elderly parent in another? Or suppose your partner was suffering from an degenerative illness with a local care plan it had taken months years to sort out? Or a partner with early onset Alzheimer's? We have no idea what other people are struggling with, so it would seem to me that a request for advice should be met with ... Advice. And if we are unable to offer advice we should keep quiet. BIG "LIKE" for this post Fisher1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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