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Flake

Feel like I'm trapped!

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FWIW I think if it is not working then it needs to change - could you take a break from work to look after your son whilst he is young and not yet in school? This might give greater flexibility on location, and importantly give you the chance to build a local support network. It won't be the same as raising him as you know how from the UK, and I think you need to adapt to raising in the Australian way, but think you need to build those local connections.

 

Yes it will come at a cost (we also took the decision for my wife to have a career break with our young children), and perhaps some landscaping for the garden, but perhaps you need to make clear to your husband that those sort of costs are what is required in order to try and make this work.

 

We head over to Brisbane in the next few months, and have the benefit of family there to help us settle in. However, we are keen to make sure we don't cramp their style, and one of the things we are looking at doing as a family is joining one of the local sport clubs. Luckily we both do the same sport (rowing) and that will be really important for us to start making Australian connections. Is there anything that you guys could look at either as a family or for you individually to start building those sort of links?

 

Best of luck

 

Ferrets

Edited by Ferrets
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My two penneth, how much time are you thinking about this and chewing it over in your mind. All the time the clock is ticking and time is passing and we have no crystal ball to see what is in the future. Try to get on with life on a daily basis not living somewhere in the future or the past. Live now today. Maybe you could move in the area you live in. Maybe if you would like to see the family more, invite them around more. Do not rely on family to invite you. Drop by, do not be a stranger. Same goes with people, you meet people unexpectedly or I do and some you like some your not that keen on, but always take up an invitation and try it.

 

If your marriage goes south no-one has mentioned the fact that you will not be able to take your son to the UK without your husbands consent and usually when a marriage gets to that stage they do not consent.

 

You chose it, you do not like it but you can get used to it.

 

I returned to the UK after I got married and I hated it. It was not the life I was used to. However me being me I got used to it and liked it as every day is a bonus. Then we returned here to Aus and I hated it here it was different I was used to the UK. Sanity settled in and I got used to it here and I love it and am very happy here. I do not have a large family, miniscule really but you know I have friends that I have met along the way. Once son goes to school you meet other mums and some stay friends and some move on.

 

Think on the positives enjoy our marriage and look at your man and think why you married him. Don't ruin your life with what ifs.


Petals

:ssign15:taking no prisoners :wink:

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Hold tight! Work on trying to improve one thing at a time. Could you move from Sydney to a lower cost base?

 

B

 

 

Unfirtunuely not an option for us, family and work commitments mean it's not possible

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Unfirtunuely not an option for us, family and work commitments mean it's not possible

 

You don't say where in Sydney you are, @Flake, but I do feel for you. I loved living in Sydney but there are definitely good and bad parts to the city - there are far too many horrible, soulless suburbs, and it sounds like you are in one of them.

 

I also think you're absolutely right to say your husband is just agreeing to go back in two years just to appease you - he doesn't mean it. He's not being nasty, it's just human nature. He's banking on the fact that you'll settle down so he won't have to deal with it. If your marriage feels rocky now, just imagine how betrayed you'll feel if, in two years' time, he point-blank refuses to move? So that agreement isn't worth anything and doesn't help - you need a solution now.

 

I'd say counselling is a must. Right now I suspect he's not taking you seriously and is just hoping you'll give in. If he sees you feel bad enough to need professional help, that might give him pause for thought. You can go by yourself at first if he won't come, then later, say your therapist has asked him to come along to help with your therapy. Having a third party between you will help get everything out in the open.

 

There are solutions but they will take compromise and that means your husband needs to come to the party too.

Edited by Marisawright

Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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From reading your responses to previous replies I would suggest that your husband earns more than you and is very happy in his job, I would also suggest that for you working full-time isn't giving you time to spend with your son or getting to know the area you do live in and finding the good places to go. It comes across that you've only relatively recently arrived back in Aus and perhaps that's part of the problem - new baby, another (not insignificant) move, back to full time work and you really haven't given yourself time to settle. I know that it took me a good two years to make sure that my family were happy and settled before I began to think about what I would do career-wise (turns out to be the same as in the UK, but I'm ok with that), my husband's wage isn't amazing (under $90,000 for 5 of us) so we had to budget and we certainly weren't out there buying jetskis, camper trailers or kayaks.... but we figured we were here for the long term not the immediacy of a holiday. Is this something you might be able to do - reduce your hours at work, relax your expectations and allow your husband to take some of the burden (part of his compromise to keeping you here) which in turn will allow you the time and space you need to be able to settle.

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I think if you are really struggling your husband needs to take your issues on board and help find a solution before a point of no return or breaking point is reached. Him not wanting to is not good enough in my book. Its no good he just settles back into the old and familiar without appreciating it could be tough going for you and is proving so.

 

I find Aussie suburbia akin to Stepford Wives land and it bothered me greatly my first few times in Aus. I couldn't get why anyone would want to live like that. But many do. And even me now, 15 years or so on am actually living on the very outskirts of the suburbs and the city. I thankfully have something that suits me down to the ground and have open hills and countryside a stones throw from my door, so found what I wanted. However, our early months in the metropolitan area here were my idea of hell and we thankfully both agreed to look elsewhere to find something that suited us all. Not just hubby or me, but us both. Thankfully also my husband never wanted to go back to the area had had grown up in. And his family are scattered around the city so its not all of them living closer in surrounding suburbs or anything. Some are 45 minutes drive away across the city. Some are 20 minutes away. I consider this a healthy distance ;)

 

As your little one grows there will be options for you so you don't have to resort to the mall along with everyone else.

 

Have you made friends, built your own social group? You can't rely on family to be your social life as it can be hit and miss. If your mood lifts when you have a bit of social time with the family, I think it would probably lift if you had friends to catch up with also. Can help a lot. Otherwise it can be rather isolating relying on family for entertainment and social life. Also when a child is smaller it can be harder to stay out for a longer time, naps or bedtimes come round and all that.

 

 

 

 

thankfully I have made friends, have a good job and essentially everything on paper is 'successful' I just can't get past the feeling of wanting to be home. I will be here for the next few years though, I made that commitment and I don't take that likely, will just have to see how it all pans out, I guess I'm lucky in some respects that my husband is seemingly open to the idea of returning to the UK

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Hey Flake.

I can't think of anything to say it suggest that hasn't already. What I do know is that you get one shot at his thing called life. Yes you made the choice to return to Aus, but you did it in the hope it would give your family a better life, and you did it like mothers do, at the expense of your happiness.

I think it's good that you've given the situation time, perhaps you could use this period to concentrate on you and do things that make you happy. Yes of course, son is number one priority, but doing stuff that makes his mummy happy can only be a good thing, right?

 

The very bestest of luck x

 

If I can make just one person smile, then I've made a difference.

 

 

thank you xxx

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Oh Flake, I totally understand how you feel... I moved here with my Aus partner mostly under the impression it would only be for a couple of years, hah! We're now nearly 6 years in with no sign of returning to the UK. I am unhappy here, I miss everything about home, everything. To make it worse I haven't been able to visit home for over 5 years so I'm incredibly homesick. We don't really have much of a life here, our working days are 12 hours long and we don't get to go on holiday because we can never afford it. I was devastated to learn about the visa changes which now mean we have no hope of returning to live any time soon. We also have a little girl who's nearly 3.

 

Anyway, just saying I know what you're going through. If you want to go home, try and make it happen. Life is too short to be unhappy. I turn 40 in a few months..I surely hope I'm not still here and unhappy when I'm 50.

 

Good Luck xx

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Oh Flake, I totally understand how you feel... I moved here with my Aus partner mostly under the impression it would only be for a couple of years, hah! We're now nearly 6 years in with no sign of returning to the UK. I am unhappy here, I miss everything about home, everything. To make it worse I haven't been able to visit home for over 5 years so I'm incredibly homesick. We don't really have much of a life here, our working days are 12 hours long and we don't get to go on holiday because we can never afford it. I was devastated to learn about the visa changes which now mean we have no hope of returning to live any time soon. We also have a little girl who's nearly 3.

 

Anyway, just saying I know what you're going through. If you want to go home, try and make it happen. Life is too short to be unhappy. I turn 40 in a few months..I surely hope I'm not still here and unhappy when I'm 50.

 

Good Luck xx

 

This is the reality for many Australians, long working hours and no time or money for holidays. It's why I get annoyed when people assume going to Australia means a better work life balance, shorter commute, more money etc.

Sorry to hear of your situation, you most definitely aren't alone.


Loving life in Gods Country. Woohoo, look at me. 

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I feel exactly the same. I have been in OZ 3 years with my hubby and 3 kids. They all like it here....I don't. I feel so far from the rest of the world! I worked in a good teaching job in the UK and had a cleaner..reasonable priced child care (our kids are young) , friends to babysit, holidays to Europe, etc etc and perhaps didn't appreciate all we did have. Now I still haven't got a teaching license after moving to the GC from Canberra last year ( SO many hoops to jump through).... and i feel very isolated. Think I moved to OZ to become a domestic slave! IF I drag them all back to the UK (Hubby says we can go if I am desperate) I worry they will resent me every wet/cold Sunday afternoon....so as it stands....here we are! its hard....feel free to message me to chat . Good luck xx

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Many migrants end up feeling the way you do CHLow so you're not alone there. If your OH is fine with going back to the UK - just go. Nothing worse than being stressed and miserable every day. As they say, life's too short.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away :smile:

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I feel exactly the same. I have been in OZ 3 years with my hubby and 3 kids. They all like it here....I don't. I feel so far from the rest of the world! I worked in a good teaching job in the UK and had a cleaner..reasonable priced child care (our kids are young) , friends to babysit, holidays to Europe, etc etc and perhaps didn't appreciate all we did have. Now I still haven't got a teaching license after moving to the GC from Canberra last year ( SO many hoops to jump through).... and i feel very isolated. Think I moved to OZ to become a domestic slave! IF I drag them all back to the UK (Hubby says we can go if I am desperate) I worry they will resent me every wet/cold Sunday afternoon....so as it stands....here we are! its hard....feel free to message me to chat . Good luck xx

 

Give it a year, get your citizenship then go. Life is too short to spend it being miserable. It's not all about the weather - and that is probably worse in your mind than in reality! Living in UK now, I see and hear kids playing happily outside much more than I ever did in Canberra. Make a bucket list of things you want to do in Aus before you leave, put a bit red ring around the date you can get citizenship and begin your count down! You're not alone!

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Thanks for you reply....and to others who replied. Its actually just really nice to know I m not the only one who feels like this.....most Brits I have met think a move to Oz has been the best thing they ever did....which has made me question myself many times! I see you are in Cambridge....i lived there for years...before moving to Bury St Edmunds when we started having kids..:)

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It 's not as easy as just going back to the UK - the relocation expenses can be high, I'm not sure we could afford it. Or find decent work over there.

 

I have been fairly flat mentally for a while, and my wife (who actually grew up in Sydney, she was born in the UK) now is missing her family in UK and Europe. She said last night that she feels we are just existing here, not living, which is what I have been thinking. We have no family or friends here at all after 6 years.

 

It is not a satisfactory situation for either of us but I think we will have to make the best of it.

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It 's not as easy as just going back to the UK - the relocation expenses can be high, I'm not sure we could afford it. Or find decent work over there.

 

I have been fairly flat mentally for a while, and my wife (who actually grew up in Sydney, she was born in the UK) now is missing her family in UK and Europe. She said last night that she feels we are just existing here, not living, which is what I have been thinking. We have no family or friends here at all after 6 years.

 

It is not a satisfactory situation for either of us but I think we will have to make the best of it.

 

That sounds so sad - why not put feelers out to find the job of your dreams and if you get it then you would have something to move towards. Living the least worst option in life drains your soul. Relocation can be pared down with judicious decluttering - life is for living not existing. At least you both feel the same way which makes it easier to move on.

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Thanks for you reply....and to others who replied. Its actually just really nice to know I m not the only one who feels like this.....most Brits I have met think a move to Oz has been the best thing they ever did....which has made me question myself many times! I see you are in Cambridge....i lived there for years...before moving to Bury St Edmunds when we started having kids..:)

 

Ah, Bury! You should talk to Wattsy1982 he's heading back to Bury for a holiday in a few weeks! Cambridge is definitely one of the best places to live but, sadly, somewhat on the expensive side.

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It 's not as easy as just going back to the UK - the relocation expenses can be high, I'm not sure we could afford it. Or find decent work over there.

 

I have been fairly flat mentally for a while, and my wife (who actually grew up in Sydney, she was born in the UK) now is missing her family in UK and Europe. She said last night that she feels we are just existing here, not living, which is what I have been thinking. We have no family or friends here at all after 6 years.

 

It is not a satisfactory situation for either of us but I think we will have to make the best of it.

 

Actually, the move back doesn't have to be expensive.

 

We moved back in March on a shoestring, well probably half a shoestring.

 

We sold most of our stuff and just shipped 8 boxes of personal items. The money from the sale of the stuff paid for the shipping and flights and short term accommodation. I started applying for jobs before we moved and within a week of starting to apply, had 3 skype interviews and 1 offer, so had a job to start as soon as I arrived. There is no shortage of work here at the moment.

 

The first few weeks we a bit "strange". I wouldn't say hard, as it was almost funny. For example, as we arrived with only suitcases each and half of that was dog stuff, we moved into our rental and my wife went to make some soup, only to realise we didn't even have a spoon!

 

Forward 3 months and we are now settled. Only living in an apartment, but only keeping that until September, then into a house. We have most of the things we need - one bed still to buy and a few electric kitchen bits such as need a new food processor, but nothing urgent.

 

Our move was also VERY sudden. I decided to start looking at jobs in the UK after not being able to find anything in Oz. Got offered the job here on the Tuesday night, on the condition I could start the following Tuesday. So, only had 5 days to do everything. But, while it was certainly a mad week and there were times I was convinced we couldn't do it, it all fell into place. Now, Oz seems like a distant dream. In the 3 months back we have spent loads of time with friends and family and slotted straight back into UK life

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It 's not as easy as just going back to the UK - the relocation expenses can be high, I'm not sure we could afford it. Or find decent work over there.

 

 

Maybe, but the fact is that the longer you leave it, the worse it will be. Costs are only going to go up, and the younger you are the easier it is to break into the job market.

 

Also, right now the British job market seems fairly buoyant compared to Australia - which surprised me when I arrived. I suppose we all have the entrenched view that Australia has better employment opportunities because it was like that for so long, but it seems like it's the opposite now.

 

Going back to the UK should be cheaper than moving to Australia. Could you stay with family for a while when you first arrive, so you don't have to spend money on temp accommodation? Would your family help out with bits and pieces of furniture etc to get you started? Buying a car is a lot cheaper in the UK than in Oz, especially second-hand. Have a good declutter and you may have less that really has to be shipped than you think.

 

It is a very bad idea to think "we will have to make the best of it". Ask yourself, if you don't move now when will you move? Are you really going to spend the rest of your life in Australia? Don't think you'll put up with it and move back to the UK in retirement - your superannuation will be taxed, and who knows whether you'll be able to collect your pension (there have been rumblings recently that they will stop paying pensions to Australians resident overseas). So you might find yourself trapped. It's much wiser to get back to the UK while you can still build up an entitlement to a British pension and entitlements.


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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I have lived in the UK my whole life and I feel the same way as you.... trapped.. unhappy.. depressed... soon am saving to come to Australia.... having a 3 week holiday there soon and then I will take the plunge... nothing here for me and Skype is for family chats not that we chat now so won't miss that ... will miss my eldest son's as. They are staying here so just me n lil man... journey and adventure xx

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I have lived in the UK my whole life and I feel the same way as you.... trapped.. unhappy.. depressed... soon am saving to come to Australia....

 

What is it about Australia that you think will solve the problem?


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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I have lived in the UK my whole life and I feel the same way as you.... trapped.. unhappy.. depressed... soon am saving to come to Australia.... having a 3 week holiday there soon and then I will take the plunge... nothing here for me and Skype is for family chats not that we chat now so won't miss that ... will miss my eldest son's as. They are staying here so just me n lil man... journey and adventure xx

 

dangerous approach this.. no matter where you are headed, when you get on a plane, you've got to take yourself with you!

 

a lot of people come to Australia to 'escape' an old life when I reality, your issues follow you. sand and sun are great, but living somewhere is very different - commutes, bills, stress, traffic - theyre all here too..

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........agree with the above....

........might be worth talking to your GP.....

........find out why you feel like you do....

.........even though you say you rarely chat to family....

..........they are available........

...........could you cope without that ..?

............it's often best to choose to move with a happy mind....

.............an adventure may help......but a permanent move may not cure depression....

...............You take yourself wherever you go.......try to cure the problems before you go....

..................I wish you every success in a full and happy life....X

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I have lived in the UK my whole life and I feel the same way as you.... trapped.. unhappy.. depressed... soon am saving to come to Australia.... having a 3 week holiday there soon and then I will take the plunge... nothing here for me and Skype is for family chats not that we chat now so won't miss that ... will miss my eldest son's as. They are staying here so just me n lil man... journey and adventure xx

 

Firstly I assume you have made sure you qualify for a visa to live permanently in Australia ? Judging by what you say you haven't actually even been there but you imagine it is the cure for the problems in your life. You say you are depressed, you do realise depression, amazingly, is a huge problem in Australia as well. What you actually need is to see your Dr and get your depression sorted out. Moving to the other side of the world to a country you don't appear to have ever laid eyes on is not the answer to your problems.


Loving life in Gods Country. Woohoo, look at me. 

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Yes I qualify and no I don't take things lightly

... not a question of pop to the docs and everything will be fixed if you don't feel right on a situation and location then medication doesn't work.... not coming there blind as I said I'm coming for a vacation first to see if it is right for me... I'm not stupid or nieve ... don't judge till you have walked a mile In my shoes

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