Feel like I'm trapped!

[Flake]

Hi All,

 

I'm British, have a British born son 18 months and an Australian Husband.

 

This is the 2nd time I have lived in Aus. I knew there would be things I wouldn't like but I felt for the sake of my newborn son he would see his cousins and extended family more and perhaps that outside lifestyle would be of benefit. In addition to this, the wages being higher I thought we could offer more.

 

As it stands, we don't see the family as much as I thought, being outside is too hot most of the time and he's not free to play in the garden until I have checked under everything for spiders.

The wages are decent but the cost of rent is huge. We live in suburbia and it's so dull, all you can hear is motorway and it's generally nothing like what I want.

 

We spent thousands returning here and I regret it so much. I want to go home so badly. I'm desperately unhappy with everything but only have myself to blame as I was very much a part of the decision to return.

 

I have told my husband, I think this whole thing has put such a strain on our marriage, I know for my part that if we did not have our son, I don't think we could get through this. But we do have a son together and have to make it work. I think my husband would return to the UK but not for years and I'm not 100% sure he would.

 

Im just so afraid of feeling this trapped and not knowing what's best to do.

 

Is anyone else in this situation? TIA

[Wa7]

Hi All,

 

I'm British, have a British born son 18 months and an Australian Husband.

 

This is the 2nd time I have lived in Aus. I knew there would be things I wouldn't like but I felt for the sake of my newborn son he would see his cousins and extended family more and perhaps that outside lifestyle would be of benefit. In addition to this, the wages being higher I thought we could offer more.

 

As it stands, we don't see the family as much as I thought, being outside is too hot most of the time and he's not free to play in the garden until I have checked under everything for spiders.

The wages are decent but the cost of rent is huge. We live in suburbia and it's so dull, all you can hear is motorway and it's generally nothing like what I want.

 

We spent thousands returning here and I regret it so much. I want to go home so badly. I'm desperately unhappy with everything but only have myself to blame as I was very much a part of the decision to return.

 

I have told my husband, I think this whole thing has put such a strain on our marriage, I know for my part that if we did not have our son, I don't think we could get through this. But we do have a son together and have to make it work. I think my husband would return to the UK but not for years and I'm not 100% sure he would.

 

Im just so afraid of feeling this trapped and not knowing what's best to do.

 

Is anyone else in this situation? TIA

 

terrible predicament to be in, I fully understand what you are missing back home. All I can say is that you need to have a really good chat with your partner and take it from there. He may agree to go back to the uk but not quite straight away?? But by sounds of it your not sure and you need to know exactly where he stand on this then moved forward from that. Best wishes

[Guest]

I'm married to an Aussie with a young child but have a very different experience to you. Different people, different way of approaching things, doing things and all that. But hopefully I can offer some suggestions and things to consider at least.

 

Are there things you could change here that would help your mindset and how you feel about being here? We ensured we were on the same page in where we settled, that for the longer term view of things we did out utmost to ensure we got things right as we went along and if we didn't, we have worked hard to fix them well before the wheels came close to coming loose, let alone reaching falling off point.

 

You say you live in suburbia atm and don't like it, boring and motorway too noisy. Are there other areas you could explore with a view to moving to and improving your overall happiness location wise? I'd not live in certain areas around the city we live in and we opted for a specific area based on facilities, schools, access to the city when we want it and wildlife surrounding us etc.

 

Garden and spiders. Keep in mind many many kids have grown up in Aussie homes and gardens just fine. You perhaps need to try to relax a little about things and if you are staying in the house long term, make changes to the garden so it causes you less stress when your son plays. Our garden is probably your worst nightmare as it has loads of corners, shrubs, fences, rocks and more but our son is doing just fine out there. OK he is older now but still, education and informing when young is always good. If not, again, would a different house better suited to kids playing help?

 

Family. I'd try not to have such high expectations and to go with the flow more about it. It may be over time, as you settle in and build family friendships you'll find it better or that it changes.

 

Heat. I think this is a tough one and some people cope better than others. I don't think you need to write Aus off as a non starter because it gets hot in summer, just try to adjust/adapt your mindset toward it and accept its not the UK weather wise. Yes it is going to get stinking hot sometimes, yes suncream, hat and so on is needed but it doesn't mean you can't do anything for half the year or whatever. We still get out and about, do things and on the 40C plus days stay inside and stay cool. On those days and the mid 30's we love our early morning trips to the beach for a dip and being home by 10am and chilling. Then heading back down in the evening or putting the water slide out in the shade for the kids to play on. Or visiting the in laws and using the pool.

 

All up, don't throw in the towel if you had a goal and a plan together for this move. If certain things are not working for you, try together to make them work or make changes to see if it can help. Sometimes its tweaking things, sometimes its making big changes, but going on what you've said in your first post, the things you are complaining about are things that can be changed if you really wanted to. You can sit and keep complaining and finding yourself then complaining more about other things also or you could give it a big go to make changes and hopefully ones that are for the better for you and your family here. And if you are really truly unhappy after that, perhaps then its time to explore other options like a move back to the UK. But if you were up for moving here, perhaps were not prepared it's harder going than you had expected, then of course it can knock your confidence, find you struggling in some aspects and then this has a knock on effect and clouds even more, even the things that are good or could be good if you would let them.

[Flake]

terrible predicament to be in, I fully understand what you are missing back home. All I can say is that you need to have a really good chat with your partner and take it from there. He may agree to go back to the uk but not quite straight away?? But by sounds of it your not sure and you need to know exactly where he stand on this then moved forward from that. Best wishes

 

 

Thank you, I agree. These honest conversations are so not easy :-(

[Flake]

I'm married to an Aussie with a young child but have a very different experience to you. Different people, different way of approaching things, doing things and all that. But hopefully I can offer some suggestions and things to consider at least.

 

Are there things you could change here that would help your mindset and how you feel about being here? We ensured we were on the same page in where we settled, that for the longer term view of things we did out utmost to ensure we got things right as we went along and if we didn't, we have worked hard to fix them well before the wheels came close to coming loose, let alone reaching falling off point.

 

You say you live in suburbia atm and don't like it, boring and motorway too noisy. Are there other areas you could explore with a view to moving to and improving your overall happiness location wise? I'd not live in certain areas around the city we live in and we opted for a specific area based on facilities, schools, access to the city when we want it and wildlife surrounding us etc.

 

Garden and spiders. Keep in mind many many kids have grown up in Aussie homes and gardens just fine. You perhaps need to try to relax a little about things and if you are staying in the house long term, make changes to the garden so it causes you less stress when your son plays. Our garden is probably your worst nightmare as it has loads of corners, shrubs, fences, rocks and more but our son is doing just fine out there. OK he is older now but still, education and informing when young is always good. If not, again, would a different house better suited to kids playing help?

 

Family. I'd try not to have such high expectations and to go with the flow more about it. It may be over time, as you settle in and build family friendships you'll find it better or that it changes.

 

Heat. I think this is a tough one and some people cope better than others. I don't think you need to write Aus off as a non starter because it gets hot in summer, just try to adjust/adapt your mindset toward it and accept its not the UK weather wise. Yes it is going to get stinking hot sometimes, yes suncream, hat and so on is needed but it doesn't mean you can't do anything for half the year or whatever. We still get out and about, do things and on the 40C plus days stay inside and stay cool. On those days and the mid 30's we love our early morning trips to the beach for a dip and being home by 10am and chilling. Then heading back down in the evening or putting the water slide out in the shade for the kids to play on. Or visiting the in laws and using the pool.

 

All up, don't throw in the towel if you had a goal and a plan together for this move. If certain things are not working for you, try together to make them work or make changes to see if it can help. Sometimes its tweaking things, sometimes its making big changes, but going on what you've said in your first post, the things you are complaining about are things that can be changed if you really wanted to. You can sit and keep complaining and finding yourself then complaining more about other things also or you could give it a big go to make changes and hopefully ones that are for the better for you and your family here. And if you are really truly unhappy after that, perhaps then its time to explore other options like a move back to the UK. But if you were up for moving here, perhaps were not prepared it's harder going than you had expected, then of course it can knock your confidence, find you struggling in some aspects and then this has a knock on effect and clouds even more, even the things that are good or could be good if you would let them.

 

 

thabk you for your reply. These are things I have suggested to my husband (moving areas etc, closer to a beach any beach!) but he doesn't want to. His parents are nearby and have to mind our son 2 days per week while -I work FT so he's in daycare the other 3 days) he grew up in this area and lived here until he was 27 so I think he just sees it as home. He also has to work in the city so moving further out isn't an option either.

As for spiders, so true I should relax more, but I guess hopefully that may come in time.

Heat is not my friend that's true, but no pool, no beach means on those hot days it's just spent inside shopping centres and it's so depressing! I'm hopeful that other activities will present themselves as my son gets older and is capable but at this point I just kind of feel like I'm not any better off here than I was in the UK.

I'm trying everyday to see the best in things and I do agree some days are better, when we do actually see the family and have a BBQ it's wonderful. But it doesn't happen enough and it makes me think we would probably get that quality time just by coming on holiday here. We won't be going for a couple of years yet as I promised to fight rather than flight and I will do my very hardest to make it work but some days it just gets on top of me :-(

[Wa7]

Thank you, I agree. These honest conversations are so not easy :-(

 

Can be very tricky but totally need to be had, just don't let it turn into an argument............ Nice and calm one night when child is in bed, also see it from his point of view even though this may differ from yours but atleast everyone getting their cards on the table is a start.

Edited May 15, 2016 by Wa7

[Guest]

Hi All,

 

I'm British, have a British born son 18 months and an Australian Husband.

 

This is the 2nd time I have lived in Aus. I knew there would be things I wouldn't like but I felt for the sake of my newborn son he would see his cousins and extended family more and perhaps that outside lifestyle would be of benefit. In addition to this, the wages being higher I thought we could offer more.

 

As it stands, we don't see the family as much as I thought, being outside is too hot most of the time and he's not free to play in the garden until I have checked under everything for spiders.

The wages are decent but the cost of rent is huge. We live in suburbia and it's so dull, all you can hear is motorway and it's generally nothing like what I want.

 

We spent thousands returning here and I regret it so much. I want to go home so badly. I'm desperately unhappy with everything but only have myself to blame as I was very much a part of the decision to return.

 

I have told my husband, I think this whole thing has put such a strain on our marriage, I know for my part that if we did not have our son, I don't think we could get through this. But we do have a son together and have to make it work. I think my husband would return to the UK but not for years and I'm not 100% sure he would.

 

Im just so afraid of feeling this trapped and not knowing what's best to do.

 

Is anyone else in this situation? TIA

I'm in a similar boat and there's a few other PIO members too who will be able to relate to your experience, so you're definitely not alone. I completely relate to your feeling of being trapped having been here myself for nearly 8 years now and never lost those feelings of alienation and homesickness. Providing constructive advice is hard because your range of options is pretty narrow. One thing that you didn't mention is how long you've been back in Australia? Setting yourself a timescale on making a decision might help. If say, you decide to stick it out here for 2 years then that represents a tangible period of time that you've given Australia and in that timeframe you may grow to love it/ like it/ just about bear it here - or you may not. Having made that commitment though and stuck it out for a designated period of time you'll be able to say quite categorically that you know what Australia has to offer and whether it's for you. That might be a useful bargaining tool when it comes to discussions with your husband about your future. You mention that you think that your husband might be open to returning to live in the UK in the future, could he give you a timescale with regard to how long he'd need back in Australia before he'd be willing to consider a move back to the UK? That might give you a goal to aim for and reduce your feelings of being trapped.

 

Wishing you the very best of luck. :smile:

[Quoll]

Voice of doom here - yup, I'd say you've got yourself into a nice little pickle and you will probably find you have no choice so you effectively are trapped forever and it will be up to you as to how you survive. I would suggest seeking counselling together sooner rather than later and try to get some sort of compromise thing going on - eg as EW said a definite commitment for x years from you before reevaluation, a commitment to fund you a trip back whenever you need it from him etc. If you can get a sense of compromise then it does make it easier to handle. Even if your DH agreed to go with you, would he be eligible for a visa for UK (that's become a huge stumbling block).

 

Once you come to terms with the fact that you are trapped and have to get on with it, there are strategies to help yourself from going insane but they take work and it might be good to seek counselling for yourself and hopefully tap some CBT or ACT resources.

 

I've been where you are - not so early in the journey though I must admit, and you have my sympathy, I hope it all works out in the end for you!

[Flake]

Can be very tricky but totally need to be had, just don't let it turn into an argument............ Nice and calm one night when child is in bed, also see it from his point of view even though this may differ from yours but atleast everyone getting their cards on the table is a start.

 

 

thank you, conversation has been had. He isn't happy (understatement) but has agreed to reassess in 2 years and if we make the move before our son starts school.

I feel bad as its out a strain on our marriage but I felt like I was lying by omission. Thanks for listening

[Flake]

[/b]

I'm in a similar boat and there's a few other PIO members too who will be able to relate to your experience, so you're definitely not alone. I completely relate to your feeling of being trapped having been here myself for nearly 8 years now and never lost those feelings of alienation and homesickness. Providing constructive advice is hard because your range of options is pretty narrow. One thing that you didn't mention is how long you've been back in Australia? Setting yourself a timescale on making a decision might help. If say, you decide to stick it out here for 2 years then that represents a tangible period of time that you've given Australia and in that timeframe you may grow to love it/ like it/ just about bear it here - or you may not. Having made that commitment though and stuck it out for a designated period of time you'll be able to say quite categorically that you know what Australia has to offer and whether it's for you. That might be a useful bargaining tool when it comes to discussions with your husband about your future. You mention that you think that your husband might be open to returning to live in the UK in the future, could he give you a timescale with regard to how long he'd need back in Australia before he'd be willing to consider a move back to the UK? That might give you a goal to aim for and reduce your feelings of being trapped.

 

Wishing you the very best of luck. :smile:

 

 

thanks so much for your post, it's so hard isn't it, I feel like there should be a whole separate group for people in similar situations as its the hardest.

Had the conversation with my husband, he's genuinely gutted and frustrated but agreed to reassess in a couple of years and if we return; before our son starts school. I hope whatever happens it's the right thing

[Flake]

Voice of doom here - yup, I'd say you've got yourself into a nice little pickle and you will probably find you have no choice so you effectively are trapped forever and it will be up to you as to how you survive. I would suggest seeking counselling together sooner rather than later and try to get some sort of compromise thing going on - eg as EW said a definite commitment for x years from you before reevaluation, a commitment to fund you a trip back whenever you need it from him etc. If you can get a sense of compromise then it does make it easier to handle. Even if your DH agreed to go with you, would he be eligible for a visa for UK (that's become a huge stumbling block).

 

Once you come to terms with the fact that you are trapped and have to get on with it, there are strategies to help yourself from going insane but they take work and it might be good to seek counselling for yourself and hopefully tap some CBT or ACT resources.

 

I've been where you are - not so early in the journey though I must admit, and you have my sympathy, I hope it all works out in the end for you!

 

 

thanks Quoll. Yep well and truly stuffed up. I feel like I woke from a coma and found myself here.

 

DH should be eligible at this point so long as I am working at the time of visa application lodgement, the other option is sponsorship with his current firm- thankfully they are international and have a couple of offices in London.

 

It it certainly won't be easy but I'm hopeful and will remain hopeful. That's all I can do. If all else fails I will go over as and when I can :-(

[Wa7]

thank you, conversation has been had. He isn't happy (understatement) but has agreed to reassess in 2 years and if we make the move before our son starts school.

I feel bad as its out a strain on our marriage but I felt like I was lying by omission. Thanks for listening

 

we all have to be honest with ourselves as hard as it is sometimes, no ones life is perfect. As said by earlier posters a genuine timeframe will hopefully help you feel less trapped and able to get on with life with a bit more of a smile on your face :wink:

[Flake]

I won't believe that he is prepared to go until it happens though, can't help but think he said enough just to appease me for now.

[Wa7]

I won't believe that he is prepared to go until it happens though, can't help but think he said enough just to appease me for now.

 

You know him better than us so maybe another conversation in the near future is on the cards............

[Quoll]

I won't believe that he is prepared to go until it happens though, can't help but think he said enough just to appease me for now.

Most likely, I should think. It's be preparing for the worst whilst hoping for the best! I saw he had a spouse visa when you are in UK before - had that expired? I thought they had a 2 year absence allowance but I probably dreamt that, but if it did have a re-entry window you could look at a decision so that he gets back on that visa. The gov had just imposed an even higher income threshold for Commonwealth workers to remain in UK (£35kpa) which might make sponsorship by his company a bit harder

[Flake]

we all have to be honest with ourselves as hard as it is sometimes, no ones life is perfect. As said by earlier posters a genuine timeframe will hopefully help you feel less trapped and able to get on with life with a bit more of a smile on your face :wink:

 

thank you :-)

[Flake]

Most likely, I should think. It's be preparing for the worst whilst hoping for the best! I saw he had a spouse visa when you are in UK before - had that expired? I thought they had a 2 year absence allowance but I probably dreamt that, but if it did have a re-entry window you could look at a decision so that he gets back on that visa. The gov had just imposed an even higher income threshold for Commonwealth workers to remain in UK (£35kpa) which might make sponsorship by his company a bit harder

 

 

it expires in October this year- have to be in the UK in order to extend it further (and I think be actually residing there rather than just visiting) maybe there's a loophole in that, not sure.

Its too soon to go back for so many reasons but work being the main one. He essentially took 10 steps backwards in his career the first time we went back to the UK, I can't do that to him again.

I think we will have to start again for his visa, and with that abide by all of the new legislation, his wage won't be an issue but mine will be for the fact I will likely not earn enough to be 'the 'sponsor' which is why we would be reliant on his work sponsoring him. These new rules really suck, I'm paying the harshest price for taking a leap of faith and I'm so cross at myself

[tea4too]

I haven't any practical advice to add @Flake, just wanted to send :hug:. But I also know from reading other posts and threads that you are not alone in how you feel, so try not too be too hard on yourself . We don't choose how we feel but we have choices when it comes to how we behave, and you are doing your best. Take care, T x

[Flake]

I haven't any practical advice to add @Flake, just wanted to send :hug:. But I also know from reading other posts and threads that you are not alone in how you feel, so try not too be too hard on yourself . We don't choose how we feel but we have choices when it comes to how we behave, and you are doing your best. Take care, T x

 

 

thank you so much, I really appreciate the hugs, it's a real comfort to know I'm not the only one. Xxx

[newjez]

Hi All,

 

I'm British, have a British born son 18 months and an Australian Husband.

 

This is the 2nd time I have lived in Aus. I knew there would be things I wouldn't like but I felt for the sake of my newborn son he would see his cousins and extended family more and perhaps that outside lifestyle would be of benefit. In addition to this, the wages being higher I thought we could offer more.

 

As it stands, we don't see the family as much as I thought, being outside is too hot most of the time and he's not free to play in the garden until I have checked under everything for spiders.

The wages are decent but the cost of rent is huge. We live in suburbia and it's so dull, all you can hear is motorway and it's generally nothing like what I want.

 

We spent thousands returning here and I regret it so much. I want to go home so badly. I'm desperately unhappy with everything but only have myself to blame as I was very much a part of the decision to return.

 

I have told my husband, I think this whole thing has put such a strain on our marriage, I know for my part that if we did not have our son, I don't think we could get through this. But we do have a son together and have to make it work. I think my husband would return to the UK but not for years and I'm not 100% sure he would.

 

Im just so afraid of feeling this trapped and not knowing what's best to do.

 

Is anyone else in this situation? TIA

 

 

Leaving your support network with a child under three is never a good idea. I learnt that the hard way.

[Flake]

Leaving your support network with a child under three is never a good idea. I learnt that the hard way.[/quote

 

i don't really have a support network on either side perhaps more so in Aus which is what brought me back here. I just miss home and being able to raise my son in the way I know how. :-(

[Dom Churchill]

Hey Flake.

I can't think of anything to say it suggest that hasn't already. What I do know is that you get one shot at his thing called life. Yes you made the choice to return to Aus, but you did it in the hope it would give your family a better life, and you did it like mothers do, at the expense of your happiness.

I think it's good that you've given the situation time, perhaps you could use this period to concentrate on you and do things that make you happy. Yes of course, son is number one priority, but doing stuff that makes his mummy happy can only be a good thing, right?

 

The very bestest of luck x

 

If I can make just one person smile, then I've made a difference.

[Beaty]

Hold tight! Work on trying to improve one thing at a time. Could you move from Sydney to a lower cost base?

 

B

[Guest]

i don't really have a support network on either side perhaps more so in Aus which is what brought me back here. I just miss home and being able to raise my son in the way I know how. :-(

 

You can raise a child without a big (or even small) support network around you. It may be tough going sometimes but its something many do do. Us included for a number of years in the UK when our son was small. Did it pretty much on our own as we didn't live close to friends or family and moved a few times. Just made the most of it, made a few friends and had an agreement once I went back to work that if son was ill, husband and I split the days we had to take off work to look after him equally. Regardless of husband being the main earner, he had to be prepared to care for our son also when it was needed. So it wasn't always me having to take him off work. Now here in Aus, son of course is that bit older, at school and OHSC is fab to use for before and after school and vacation care and we still don't rely on the family here for much at all, in fact I think my MIL has babysat twice for us in the 2.5 years we've been here.

 

When you say you want to raise your son in the way you know how, what do you mean exactly? You can raise him as you would anywhere. Our parenting hasn't changed because we've moved countries. About the one big difference is the insistence on sun cream and hats etc but otherwise we live our lives pretty much the same as we did in England. I do the same parenting things I'd do there, son does the same kid related things here as there pretty much. Apart from more time at the beach or in or around water or out and about in general and less time in soft plays (rainy day places in the UK). But in terms of us living our lives, bringing him up and all that, its really no different at all.

[Guest]

thabk you for your reply. These are things I have suggested to my husband (moving areas etc, closer to a beach any beach!) but he doesn't want to. His parents are nearby and have to mind our son 2 days per week while -I work FT so he's in daycare the other 3 days) he grew up in this area and lived here until he was 27 so I think he just sees it as home. He also has to work in the city so moving further out isn't an option either.

As for spiders, so true I should relax more, but I guess hopefully that may come in time.

Heat is not my friend that's true, but no pool, no beach means on those hot days it's just spent inside shopping centres and it's so depressing! I'm hopeful that other activities will present themselves as my son gets older and is capable but at this point I just kind of feel like I'm not any better off here than I was in the UK.

I'm trying everyday to see the best in things and I do agree some days are better, when we do actually see the family and have a BBQ it's wonderful. But it doesn't happen enough and it makes me think we would probably get that quality time just by coming on holiday here. We won't be going for a couple of years yet as I promised to fight rather than flight and I will do my very hardest to make it work but some days it just gets on top of me :-(

 

I think if you are really struggling your husband needs to take your issues on board and help find a solution before a point of no return or breaking point is reached. Him not wanting to is not good enough in my book. Its no good he just settles back into the old and familiar without appreciating it could be tough going for you and is proving so.

 

I find Aussie suburbia akin to Stepford Wives land and it bothered me greatly my first few times in Aus. I couldn't get why anyone would want to live like that. But many do. And even me now, 15 years or so on am actually living on the very outskirts of the suburbs and the city. I thankfully have something that suits me down to the ground and have open hills and countryside a stones throw from my door, so found what I wanted. However, our early months in the metropolitan area here were my idea of hell and we thankfully both agreed to look elsewhere to find something that suited us all. Not just hubby or me, but us both. Thankfully also my husband never wanted to go back to the area had had grown up in. And his family are scattered around the city so its not all of them living closer in surrounding suburbs or anything. Some are 45 minutes drive away across the city. Some are 20 minutes away. I consider this a healthy distance

 

As your little one grows there will be options for you so you don't have to resort to the mall along with everyone else.

 

Have you made friends, built your own social group? You can't rely on family to be your social life as it can be hit and miss. If your mood lifts when you have a bit of social time with the family, I think it would probably lift if you had friends to catch up with also. Can help a lot. Otherwise it can be rather isolating relying on family for entertainment and social life. Also when a child is smaller it can be harder to stay out for a longer time, naps or bedtimes come round and all that.