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Marisawright

Legal separation in the UK - any info?

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Yes absolute rubbish. There has been no suggestion of violence or abuse by this man.

Marisa used the term inappropriately and all the women go into a feeding frenzy.

 

How patronising! You loose any sense of argument when you make sexist pathetic comments such as that.

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How do you know that she used it inappropriately, Parleycross? You know the intimate details of the couple's relationship?

 

We can offer advice as to where to find proper legal advice and support if there is abuse at any level. None of us knows what level that is in this case, but it's better to be on the safe side.

 

Some of the women commenting have direct, personal experience of abuse and can recognise it from what others write. Some of us have seen friends or relatives suffer, or have professional experience.

You really do yourself no favours by making such ridiculous, sexist statements. Surely you have some ability to read between the lines?

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How do you know that she used it inappropriately, Parleycross? You know the intimate details of the couple's relationship?

 

We can offer advice as to where to find proper legal advice and support if there is abuse at any level. None of us knows what level that is in this case, but it's better to be on the safe side.

 

Some of the women commenting have direct, personal experience of abuse and can recognise it from what others write. Some of us have seen friends or relatives suffer, or have professional experience.

You really do yourself no favours by making such ridiculous, sexist statements. Surely you have some ability to read between the lines?

 

Well said caramac.

 

I can't work out if Parleycross is being controversial for the sake of it or really has no understanding of this matter. Either way, with that attitude I'm glad I've never been out with him, he'd be a nightmare to break up with!


Don't Let It Happen To You : What Every Mother Should Know Before Emigrating. Available on Amazon by Rachel Tilley.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Let-Happen-You-Emigrating-ebook/dp/B00FV80PTM/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1451572986&sr=1-1&keywords=rachel+tilley

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Seeing as we live in different countries Rachel I don't think it is a problem you will ever be faced with.


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Yelling and arguing is not really considered domestic abuse.

It is understandable though that we tend to assume it is only the other party that does it.

.

I am afraid you are wrong Parley, and a lot of people don't seem to understand that there are different types of domestic abuse. For example physical (which we all seem to associate with the term DV), psychological, emotional (which seems the case here) and financial (withholding money etc)


If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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Sorry but ignoring someone you are splitting up with is not abuse. Not even close.

 

I just think this card is pulled out of the kit bag much too quickly when it is not true.

 

I think if she really feels threatened she should move out of the house.

Parley, neither of us know the situation of whether domestic violence is taking place or not, however, as other members have pointed out domestic violence isn't just physical.

Your last line about if she feels threatened she should just leave, oh wow, how many times did I hear this myself. It is not until you are standing in someone else's shoes can you begin to comprehend. I contemplated a shelter numerous times but they are not a place you want to go with young children. In the end my case got so bad that we got a restraining order with a power of arrest attached, the judge said it was the worst case of domestic violence he had seen. Mine was not just physical, it was emotional. He would lock me in the bedroom if he went out and removed all the phones, etc. I wasn't allowed to see family or friends, he would tell me how disgusting and ugly I was. He literally knocked my confidence out of me emotionally and physically. It's nearly 20 years ago now and I still struggle talking about it, he still hunts me down, in fact he contacted a family member a few months back saying he will find me and he will kill me, the thing is he will if he ever did find me.

 

Marisa if there is a domestic violence case I would suggest she apply for a court order to keep him away from the home. It will not stop him seeing the children but they can arrange for meetings at a contact centre.


If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.

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That must have been awful TPQ.

 

That was very clear domestic violence no question.

I'm glad you got out of that dangerous situation.

 

What I don't want is to diminish cases like yours by calling every normal domestic breakup as DV.

I do think the term is often used as a weapon when it should not be and it is such an emotive term to use you can see how every woman naturally reacts when she hears that term.


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What I don't want is to diminish cases like yours by calling every normal domestic breakup as DV.

 

 

Parley, when I posted my niece's situation, I didn't think it necessary to give all the details of what she's going through, because I wasn't asking for help with the abuse - I was asking for help with the process of legal separation. So you shouldn't draw any conclusions from what I posted.


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Parley, it's not been called 'domestic violence' for a number of years now. Because violence is only one part of it. It's called domestic abuse because not all DA situations are violent, but are still illegal.

Relationships should be about love not power and aggressive dominance.


Trying to get to Aus since 2008. Finally the end is in sight and we are starting to really plan.

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Me, Adult Nursing student starting Sept 2018. 

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That must have been awful TPQ.

 

 

 

What I don't want is to diminish cases like yours by calling every normal domestic breakup as DV.

 

 

I've had plenty of 'normal' break ups, but only ever had to leave one partner due to DA, so I don't think women do generally class every break up as DA. We do tend to know what's going on you know.

 

When stats show that one in four women will suffer from abuse and one in six men then there will be a fair number of people on this forum that have been affected. Perhaps you are one of the lucky five in your gender as you clearly have no idea about it!


Don't Let It Happen To You : What Every Mother Should Know Before Emigrating. Available on Amazon by Rachel Tilley.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Dont-Let-Happen-You-Emigrating-ebook/dp/B00FV80PTM/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1451572986&sr=1-1&keywords=rachel+tilley

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Of course I know Rachel.

If we are told someone has sent a few nasty texts but the main behaviour is one of ignoring the other party then that is not domestic abuse.

 

And no judge would think it was.

 

As I said I don't want to diminish the serious abuse cases by calling normal breakup behaviour as domestic abuse.


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Of course I know Rachel.

If we are told someone has sent a few nasty texts but the main behaviour is one of ignoring the other party then that is not domestic abuse.

 

And no judge would think it was.

 

As I said I don't want to diminish the serious abuse cases by calling normal breakup behaviour as domestic abuse.

 

Sending abusive texts may not be abuse in your warped universe but if I ever received anything like this from anyone, let alone a partner, I would definitely consider it as abuse.

 

Texts like this are intimidating in that they carry with them an implied threat of worse and indicate the sender is not of sound mind.

 

If you consider verbal abuse as part of normal behaviour then it says much more about you than anything else I'm afraid.

 

Why you feel an overwhelming urge to defend any man without any knowledge of them in threads such as these I can only guess but perhaps it is simply to cause upset.


Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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Of course I know Rachel.

If we are told someone has sent a few nasty texts but the main behaviour is one of ignoring the other party then that is not domestic abuse.

 

 

Did anybody say that ignoring the other party was "the main behaviour"??????? I certainly didn't. Stop jumping to conclusions.


Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Sending abusive texts may not be abuse in your warped universe but if I ever received anything like this from anyone, let alone a partner, I would definitely consider it as abuse.

 

Texts like this are intimidating in that they carry with them an implied threat of worse and indicate the sender is not of sound mind.

 

If you consider verbal abuse as part of normal behaviour then it says much more about you than anything else I'm afraid.

 

Why you feel an overwhelming urge to defend any man without any knowledge of them in threads such as these I can only guess but perhaps it is simply to cause upset.

 

Ignoring someone is not verbal abuse. How many times must I repeat this.

I do not condemn someone on what has been presented as very normal breakup behaviour.


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Ignoring someone is not verbal abuse. How many times must I repeat this.

I do not condemn someone on what has been presented as very normal breakup behaviour.

 

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THIS?|?????? I HAVE NOT GIVEN DETAILS OF HIS BEHAVIOUR. I MENTIONED A COUPLE OF THINGS HE DOES, NOT THE WHOLE STORY. I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU THE REST BECAUSE IT IS NONE OF YOUR BLOODY BUSINESS.

 

But as others have said, if you think threatening texts and emails, and refusing to talk to her or answer anything she says, is "normal behaviour" - then I dread to think what kind of relationships you've had. And by the way, when did I say she'd had only "a few" texts? How do you know how many there were? Crystal ball?

Edited by Marisawright

Scot by birth, emigrated 1985 | Aussie husband applied UK spouse visa Jan 2015, granted March 2015, moved to UK May 2015 | Returned to Oz June 2016

"The stranger who comes home does not make himself at home but makes home itself strange." -- Rainer Maria Rilke

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Ignoring someone is not verbal abuse. How many times must I repeat this.

I do not condemn someone on what has been presented as very normal breakup behaviour.

 

Did you miss the part about abusive texts or is that simply selective memory at work.


Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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No I mentioned those. You do know what verbal means I presume ?

 

And I'm sure when you split up with your first wife there were arguments and ignoring each other going on at times.

All to be expected. I wouldn't rush to label you an abuser either in the same situation.


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Ignoring someone is not verbal abuse. How many times must I repeat this.

I do not condemn someone on what has been presented as very normal breakup behaviour.

 

 

Of course it's not verbal. For it to be verbal, he'd have to speak! It is, however, manipulative/controlling/emotional abuse, otherwise known as 'the silent treatment'. it's used to disempower the other person, or to control or punish them.

And it's not normal.

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Or it could be a defense mechanism to avoid conflict.


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No I mentioned those. You do know what verbal means I presume ?

 

And I'm sure when you split up with your first wife there were arguments and ignoring each other going on at times.

All to be expected. I wouldn't rush to label you an abuser either in the same situation.

 

Arguments are normal in all relationships. Personally I have never refused to speak to a partner nor has a partner refused to speak with me but I know that happens. To maintain that long term is a distubing sign of someone who wishes to exert a type of control over the other but I would not call that abuse on its own. It is not 'normal' behaviour though and unlikely that such behaviour would limit itself to that.

 

Sending abusive text messages however is definitely an obvious form of abuse and I am surprised that you cannot recognise that.


Timeline: 309/100 Sent 7/8/13, Money Taken 9/8/13, CO appointed 3/9/13. Med 3/12/13. Police check 4/12/13. VISA GRANTED 8/4/14, Subclass100. Recce August 2014. Arrived 30 July 2015.

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Of course it's not verbal. For it to be verbal, he'd have to speak! It is, however, manipulative/controlling/emotional abuse, otherwise known as 'the silent treatment'. it's used to disempower the other person, or to control or punish them.

And it's not normal.

 

 

..........and this can be equally damaging as physical abuse.....

.........by eroding any confidence the receiver of such has....

..........constantly havving to over think what you say do.....

..........fear of it being wrong and the repercussions.....

...........to live with someone who can act as If you don't exist.....

.........but then see fault when they do acknowledge you......

...........erodes the confidence in even every day chores.....

...........to return with the wrong shopping....

............but no indication given beforehand of preference.....

............a cooked meal....wrong....not wanted.....

............never underestimate the emotional and mental aspects of abuse.....

............there may be no outward scars.......but many on the inside.....

............and because it can't be seen......by others on the outside....

............the victim often doubts themselves......

.............stays and it often then esculates to physical........

.............many then staying in the relationship as they lack any confidence....worth....

.............to move on......

.............I do so hope she manages to move on soon.......the longer you stay.....the harder it becomes to leave....

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Arguments are normal in all relationships. Personally I have never refused to speak to a partner nor has a partner refused to speak with me but I know that happens. To maintain that long term is a distubing sign of someone who wishes to exert a type of control over the other but I would not call that abuse on its own. It is not 'normal' behaviour though and unlikely that such behaviour would limit itself to that.

 

Sending abusive text messages however is definitely an obvious form of abuse and I am surprised that you cannot recognise that.

 

 

Good job the law does!

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My niece's relationship has broken down and she needs to start the process of organising property division, child custody etc. They're not married. I know all about how it works in Australia but nothing about where to start in the UK!

 

Can anyone point me to good websites explaining how it all works, advice lines, etc? She went to see a solicitor but has come away totally confused (and terrified by the size of the fee!). She's in Surrey.

 

This was your original question and I answered this for you.....you then follow this up with.....

 

Her partner is hostile and abusive so that makes getting agreement between the two of them difficult.

 

pretty strong words.....hence the mention of restraining orders if he is violent.......

 

This was followed by any number of dogooders that clearly have the monopoly on correct advise......rather than keep dragging this out either tell us what has been happening so we can help or end it because it is getting a little ridiculous.....you have sound advice.....you asked for websites to visit for advice on separation which were duly posted by me and others......there is talk about her having "no rights" because she is not married lol......she has the same rights as the bloke.....by suggesting she has no rights it is implying he does....rubbish.

 

Parley I dipped my toe in at the start to try and offer some help because belieive it or not I have a brother that deals with this type of thing all the time and have had many conversations with him about it......I spent 3 years of my life dealing with this type of thing in a work capacity (in Australia) and my sister-in-law's new partner has not seen his kids for 6 years because his ex wife will not allow after a messy break up and he has spent thousands and thousands going to courts......employing barristers.....yes barristers at 5 grand a pop and he still is no closer to seeing his kids even though all the judges agree with him and have issued order after order in his favour.

 

Leave them to it Parley.....leave those dogooders that clearly know best to it mate.....as the saying goes.....move along.....move along there is nothing to see here.

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Yes I think you are right.

If the word abuse gets slipped into a post it is like a red rag to a bull for many.

 

I shall move on as per your sage advice.


I want it all, and I want it now.

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This was your original question and I answered this for you.....you then follow this up with.....

 

 

 

pretty strong words.....hence the mention of restraining orders if he is violent.......

 

This was followed by any number of dogooders that clearly have the monopoly on correct advise......rather than keep dragging this out either tell us what has been happening so we can help or end it because it is getting a little ridiculous.....you have sound advice.....you asked for websites to visit for advice on separation which were duly posted by me and others......there is talk about her having "no rights" because she is not married lol......she has the same rights as the bloke.....by suggesting she has no rights it is implying he does....rubbish.

 

Parley I dipped my toe in at the start to try and offer some help because belieive it or not I have a brother that deals with this type of thing all the time and have had many conversations with him about it......I spent 3 years of my life dealing with this type of thing in a work capacity (in Australia) and my sister-in-law's new partner has not seen his kids for 6 years because his ex wife will not allow after a messy break up and he has spent thousands and thousands going to courts......employing barristers.....yes barristers at 5 grand a pop and he still is no closer to seeing his kids even though all the judges agree with him and have issued order after order in his favour.

 

Leave them to it Parley.....leave those dogooders that clearly know best to it mate.....as the saying goes.....move along.....move along there is nothing to see here.

 

Im sorry that you and your family have experienced such an awful time, but you don't have a monopoly on experience, either personally or professionally. I'm sure your advice is as welcome as others' as a way forward. Everyone has an opinion or experience to share.

I think people have addressed the advice for the woman because that's who Marisa was asking about, but you're right, neither party has the same rights as they would if they were married.

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